I am so incredibly far behind in EVERYTHING right now that this issue may just be a mad grab for memes and stuff and see what happens.  I have SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO SHARE with you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Okay………..

Take a breath………..

First, I hope everyone remembered to turn their clocks back last night.

Second, let’s just get to the laughter…

Yeah, we are going to do the Halloween catch up thing.

We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. 

We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home. 

Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, “You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel.” 

He raised an eyebrow. “Most people just take towels.” 

A wife complains, “Our wall clock almost hit my mother on the head today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.”

The husband mumbles, “That clock always was slow.”

Tomorrow is election day.  I don’t care who you vote for…well, I really do…but if you don’t go out and vote, then you have no right to complain about anything that goes on.  It is your responsibility to vote.  You may not have anyone you want to vote for, but sure as heck there are people you want to vote against.  I expect each and every one of you to go out there and vote.

THE NEW MATH

NAME____________________

GANG NAME______________

1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip.  He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting.  How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine.  If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho’s.  If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne’s $800 per day crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit.  How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit? 

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4×4.  If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder.  He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 – 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang.  There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang.  LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5  rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat.  If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week’s income?

10. Marvin steals Juan’s skate board.  As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum.  If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Daylight Savings Time 

How many of you had these in your house growing up, raise your hand…

Asked by his third-grade teacher to spell “straight.” The boy did so correctly. 

“Now,” said the teacher, “what does it mean?”

“Without water.” 

Massachusetts Law

It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license. 

See!  Why aren’t booklets like this still available?

Isn’t it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid ? 

These are true, I was a Sheriff and these are some of the excuses I heard. 

I actually wrote very few, about 1-2 a week, but when they came up with really lame excuses, I just had to. 


People who got the ticket:

Guy on a motorcycle doing 110 mph at 1 in the morning “I was cold so I wanted to get home fast” 

Old lady doing 88 in a 25 zone “I was checking to see if my muffler was leaking” 

Vietnamese woman doing 45 in a 25 school zone “No speaka english” 
After receiving the ticket “you son of a *&^%$, you wrote me a ticket!” 


People who did not get a ticket:

I paced a guy going 90 mph for about 5 miles. When I noticed he had a radar detector on his dash (Yes, that’s how close I was and he didn’t look in his rearview mirror once!) I reached over and activated my radar. I saw his detector light up and he hit his brakes so hard he skidded into the ditch! I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t write him, but I did call for a tow truck. He was a little embarrassed 

Guy doing 70 in a 35 zone “I just won the lottery” He really did, but he was heartbroken when I explained that the lottery office was closed on Sundays! 

But this guy was my favorite; I caught a guy in a Porsche Cabriolet doing 125 mph in a 65 zone. I told him to explain why he was going so fast. He showed me the purchase papers for the car and said “I’ve waited my whole life to own this car. I bought it yesterday and have been driving it ever since. It was 4 in the morning, no one else was around, and I just wanted to really open it up once, to see what it would do”

I handed him back his license and said “That makes perfect sense to me”. 

This actually sounds like a pretty cool cop to me.  Giving tickets out where they are deserved and cutting slack to enough people, too.

♪♫Stuck in the middle with ewe♫♪

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!” 

I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing,my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact,that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, “Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods.” 

When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. “See, Mom. She doesn’t like the skin either.” 

This guy was driving the back roads of Arkansas late one night. He hadn’t had much sleep and should not have been driving. 

He started to doze off but caught himself just in time to see two Yankees in the road. He slammed on the brakes but to no avail. He hit both of them. 

One went through the windshield and landed in the back seat and the other bounced off the grill and landed in a field 100 feet away. 

In a panic he called the Arkansas State Police on his cell phone for help. 

When the State Trooper arrived the guy  explained, “Oh my God, officer I’m so sorry I was too tired to be driving and I killed these guys. I can’t go to jail, I’ve got a wife and three kids. What am I going to do?” 

The trooper looked at him and in that wonderful Southern drawl said, “Boy, don’t you fret one bit. We’ll get that Yankee in the back seat of your car for attempted car-jacking and we’ll get the one in the field for leaving the scene of an accident.” 

You really gotta love the south.  Anyone who has ever spent any time in the south will read that and just nod and say, “Yup.  That’s about how it would work.”

Thanks to Ted for this very long Comedy Special…enjoy!

And that’s where I have to stop my friends.  I didn’t get to any of the essays I wanted to include or anything!  Next time, maybe.  Love to you all.  Until next time, be Blessed my friends.