So, I got home from church this morning, did most of my Sunday chores, got my homework done and I thought I would get a start in on my issue for Thursday since I have a new chore for Monday night now.  

Yes, that’s me to the right there at church this morning.   I ALWAYS have my coffee with me or I can’t sing. 

Yes, I know that doesn’t make any sense at first blush, but hear me out. 

My mouth gets so dry so fast because of these stupid dentures, that I HAVE to have a drink with me ALL THE TIME.  Even when I go to the jail on Wednesday nights I sneak a little bottle of gatorade or something in with me or I can’t teach.  And when I sing, it’s even worse. 

But, my singing is terrible anyway, so I sing very quietly, but I LOVE to sing, even if it is an awful noise unto the Lord.   

But you say, “Impish, that’s supposed to be a joyful noise unto the Lord.”

Well, not in my case. 

I think I told you before, that when Mary and I would drive together and a song would come on the radio that I liked and I would sing, she would turn up the radio so she couldn’t hear me. 

And she loved me, but it really is THAT BAD! 

Anyway, where was I … Oh yeah, a new tasking on Monday night … I have picked up a new client for counseling on Monday night. 

He wants to see a man, not a woman and the lady who normally does the grief counseling for our church group asked me if I could do it.  I told her that I’m running out of free days and if he would line up with what I have free … and … well … I guess he’s pretty desperate, so I’ll do my best.  It sounds important.  And one of my other nights is going to free up in about 3 weeks when that class is over anyway. 

But for the next 3 weeks or so, it will be something every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.  So, I am going to struggle to find time for you guys. 

Maybe I do need to retire.

Yeah, I know, I thought that was funny, too.  So, let’s get started on the REAL funny stuff, shall we?  Yup, I think we shall…

That is a really cool picture…faked or not.

Another instance of Stephanie sending us a bunch of the pictures from this site and then just giving up and sending the whole site.  So, I’m just going to give you guys the site, and let you do it that way.

I Just Spent The Past 20 Minutes Laughing Uncontrollably At All These Pictures And Now I Really Need You To See Them

Yes, that symbol means something.  Since it’s been a while since I’ve used it, I’ll give you the answer…It’s called a Rebus.  It’s where pictures or symbols are used to work out a phrase or sentence.  Like a picture of an eye, then a heart, then a female sheep could mean I love you (eye + heart for love + ewe for you).  So, in the above example, the first one is an old E + a baby’s butt + a + golden or a really good E.  When you work it out it’s an old E butt a good E or An Oldie, but a Goodie.

Sigh!  Yes, I know, but now when you see it, you’ll know what it means.

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. 

They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final they had a solid “A”.  

They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends. 

They had a great time.  However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam.

Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final. 

They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. 

The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day.  They were elated and relieved.  At the final, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. 

The first problem, worth 5 Points, was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.  “Cool,”  they thought. “This is going to be easy.” 

The next problem was worth 95 Points.  It asked:  “Which tire?” 

A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old,

“If you pretend you’re asleep, he stops.”

Yup, that would have been my kids.

And the horse wouldn’t have one way or the other.

I told the AI “Dragon” and that’s what it came up with.  Not bad.  If I try it again…

I sense a theme… one more to test my theory…

Nope, theory disproved.  

Okay, this one is from brother Joe and it is just so cute!

Okay, so you guys got a twofer with that one.  

This is amazing.  It may just be a demonstration, but it is still amazing!

I laughed SO HARD at that one because HE DOES look just like her!!!  It’s so TRUE!!!  ROFLMAO!!!

And that’s what the AI gave me when I just typed in the word “fantasy”

Ummmm…. I’ve got questions…lots of questions… but I suppose the part that bothers me the most, is that it is a real book that is available on Amazon.  Go ahead, check for yourself.

A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a sparrow. He pulled over, picked the poor sparrow who was still alive, but unconscious. He decided to take him home. 

When the motorist got home, he put the sparrow in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside. When the sparrow came to, he looked around and said: “Bars, bread, water… Oh my God!! I have killed the motorist!!!” 

I may have just been put off of reading forever.

A retired Four-Star General ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come to work for him as his valet.

“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,” the General said. “Nothing to it – you’ll catch on again fast.”

The former orderly agreed to become the General’s valet.

The next morning, promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-General’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the General a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said,

“OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you.”

A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend.

Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.

The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. “My fee for that work, ” acidly snapped the attorney, “is five hundred dollars.”

The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.

Man, that’s so true!

A bride called to make a change to her wedding list.

It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her list at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.).

The Customer Service Representative told her that John Lewis would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.

The bride said, “No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom.”

And anyone who doesn’t get this one is just another brick in the wall.

Come on, Teacher!  It shows his mind is not for rent!

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. “Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?” demanded the diplomat.

“A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul, “A man is sitting on the well!”

I really want to see what happens when they hit the highway!

Mine, too!  We are part of the “Mine, Too! Movement”

That is one of my favorite, all time!

Having rather quickly arrived at an age where I can sympathize and empathize with the next set of comments, it both gladdens and saddens me to go through this list and say with complete certainty that it is so true on so many levels.

Comments on Aging …

• “If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law.” (Eva Gabor)
• “Old age comes at a bad time.” (EdSullivan)
• “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.” (Stevie Wonder)
• “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do about it.” (GoldaMeir)
• “The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. (MarkTwain)
• “I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.” (Phyllis Diller)
• “Nice to be here? At my age, it’s nice to be anywhere.” (George Burns)
• “First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up; then, you forget to pull your zipper down.” (Rob Reiner)
• “You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not THAT tired.” (Princess Grace)
• “Old people shouldn’t eat healthy foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” (BobHope)
• “At my age, flowers scare me.” (GeorgeBurns)
• “It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” (EdSullivan)
• “The years between 55 and 75 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.” (T.S Elliot)
• “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us.. at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” (Ann Landers)
• “When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile.” (Milton Berle)
• “The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.” (MartinScorsese)
• “We don’t grow older, we grow riper.” (PabloPicasso)
• “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” (AndyRooney)”The older I get, the better I used to be.” (Lee Trevino)
• “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam.” (GeorgeCarlin)
• “Everything seems to slow down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips.” (ElizabethTaylor)
• “You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.” (Dennis Quaid)
• “There are three stages in man’s Life: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.” (LeonPhillips)
• “Looking fifty is great — if you’re sixty.” (Joan Rivers)
• “Time may be a great Healer, but it’s a lousy Beautician.” (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
• Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid sideways, totally used up and worn out, shouting “Man, what a ride!” (Hunter group.)

I have direct, hard experience with that last one.  It’s not pleasant.  

And our country is there in 3 … 2 … 1 …

Our nephew was getting married to a doctor’s daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. 

Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion. 

But after a particularly long pause, he explained, “I’m sorry.  I can’t seem to make out what I’ve written down.” 

Looking out into the audience, he asked, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

Today is International Day of The Very Good Looking, Beautiful and Damn Attractive People, so send this message to someone you think fits this description. 

Please do not send it back to me as I have already received over one hundred and fifty thousand messages and my inbox is jammed full.

And that’s where this one needs to end my friends.  

All out of time.

Until next time.