It’s Sunday and I have about an hour to kill so I thought I would get started on Thursday’s issue.  I have a lot of other things to work on so I can’t spend too much time, so I’ll see what I can get done.  Sunday is usually my “homework” day.  I try to get Tuesday’s Living Free lesson ready, Wednesday’s Jail lesson ready, plus now I also have my Sunday daily FBI homework (we have homework scheduled for everyday of the week, it’s normally not a lot.  They say it’s planned for about an hour.  Well, either I’m doing it wrong or the people who they timed it for are sixth graders or something because I normally get the daily homework done in at worst half that time, often less than that.), plus Sunday is also trash day since it’s picked up on Monday.  We go around the house and gather the trash from all the little trash cans and get it out to the curb.  It’s also the day that I set up my medicine for the week. 

That’s a chore.  I take a lot of medicine and supplements to stay this healthy.

Oh!  I forgot to tell you guys.  I went to the doctor the other day and (for those of you who understand diabetes stuff) she ran an in-office A1C test on me.  (A1C used to mean Airman First Class or “two-striper” to me.  Now that I’m older, it means something completely different.)  Anyway, I’m down to 162 lbs.  That means from my heaviest way back when of 305, I’ve lost 143 lbs.  If I lose 9 ½ more pounds then I would have lost half of me.  

I … don’t know what to say …   … Or how to feel…   … This is really weird.   So, I’ll just move on. 

My A1C…I told her (my doc) that I thought it would be around 7.3, like it was last time. 

She said, “Why so high?” 

And I said, “We’ve had this conversation.  You know that I don’t think that is that high.”  But, honestly, after discussing it with a guy who I am going to FBI with, I’m starting to reconsider that.  I didn’t say that last part out loud, but it’s still true.  Maybe I’ll save that for another time. 

She said, “Well, let’s just see what it comes back as.”  All this time her nurse was jabbing my finger and drawing blood and walking out the door.  A short time later doc says, “6.8!  That’s great!” 

I thought to myself, well other than losing another couple of pounds since I’ve been here last, I haven’t really done anything different. 

But she did cut one of my medicines down because of it.  Now I’m only taking half of what I was before, so that’s AWESOME news.  The more medicines I can get off of the better.  I don’t mind the supplements (Iron, D-3, that sort of stuff) that is to make me healthier.  But the actual medication, not so much.

So that is really enough ramblings about my medical life.  I think it took me longer to write all that out than it actually took for the doctor visit.  So, let’s move on to the fun stuff.  I think I might have a short story to share with you that I found for FBI in my studies.  We’ll maybe get to that in a bit.  In the meantime…

We joke, but it’s so true!

(Guess who that’s from?)

That is NOT going to work out well.

Mrs. Davidson’s dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish-washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my Bull Dog; he won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!” 

When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson’s apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business. 

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. 

Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!” 

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!” 

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops.

“People,” he said, “I’ve just been informed that we’re going to be having a fire sale.” 

“A fire sale?” spoke up one agent. “But we sell insurance.” 

“I said a fire sale, and I meant it,” he replied rather coldly. “Anyone who doesn’t make a sale gets fired.” 

I know it’s weird, but that looks really good.  Yum!

This is an old one, but definitely worth repeating…

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 

– Two Italian men and one Italian woman 
– Two French men and one French woman 
– Two German men and one German woman 
– Two Greek men and one Greek woman 
– Two English men and one English woman 
– Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman 
– Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman 
– Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman 
– Two Irish men and one Irish woman 
– Two American men and one American woman 

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: 

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. 

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois. 

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. 

* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. 

* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. 

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island. 

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/store/restaurant/ laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store. 

* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they’re satisfied because the English aren’t having any fun. 

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn’t they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of friggin’ nowhere so she can go to the spa, get her nails done, get a “hot rock massage”, and go shopping… 

Charlott stormed into the eye surgeon’s office and went up to the desk.

“Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,” she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down.  “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said.  “Why do you think it was taken here?”

“After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.”

“I think,” explained the surgeon gently, “that means your cataract operation was a success.”

Looking for something different for my sister’s birthday, I decided on a pair of pajamas made up of bright scenic prints of the natural wonders of the world. I wrapped them up and sent them off. I just received this email from her…

“Dear Sis,” she wrote. “I don’t mind having ‘12,948 feet high’ indicated on my bosom, but I thoroughly resent ‘greatest natural span’ across my ass!”

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. 

To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage.

A year later the young man returned home. 

“Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers,” the son said. “It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity.” 

“Oi vey,” replied the father, “what have I done.”

So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. 

“It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated his friend, “I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian.”

So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. 

“It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated the Rabbi, “I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?” 

“Brothers, we must take this to the Lord,” said the Rabbi.

They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds opened and a mighty voice stated,

“Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel…..” 

A man met a wonderful woman and became engaged to her.

He called his mother to share his good news with her. 

He arranged to have dinner with his mother that evening so that she could meet his fiancee. 

When he arrived at her home, he brought along three women – a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. 

His mother inquired as to why he had brought THREE women, instead of just one. 

He replied that he wanted to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women was her future daughter-in-law. 

She looked at each one carefully and then replied:  “It’s the redhead.”

“How could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?”

he inquired.  She coldly replied, “Because I can’t stand HER.”

Soon after marriage, the lady’s husband stopped wearing his wedding ring.

She asked, “Why don’t you ever wear your wedding band?” 

He replied, “It cuts off my circulation.” 

She answered back, “It’s supposed to!” 

Yeah, He did that to me, too.

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home.

It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. “I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!”

“That’s okay, dearie,” the aunt replied. “After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway.”

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger’s cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.

Dad,” the boy said finally, “if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up …”

“Yes, son?” the father said expectantly. 

“What bus should I take home?” the boy finished.

And that’s it my friends.  I hope to have another issue on Monday, but with me working all weekend, so that is up in the air at this point.  But, until then, may God Bless you.