Another header by our dear friend Aussie Pete!  Thanks Pete!

Today is Sunday and I’m trying to get a jump on the next episode.  I’m really getting a bit overwhelmed with stuff lately.  I spent the morning at church, then came home and went grocery shopping with Izzy.  Then prepared my Tuesday lesson.  Then prepared my Wednesday lesson.  Then did my FBI homework for today (I’m trying to do that one day at a time like I’m supposed to and neither get ahead nor fall behind) and now I’m trying to do a little work on here.  Oh, I also did some of my normal Sunday chores of taking out the trash.  I still have to set up my medicine for the week, but I’ll sit down at the sofa and do that later.

I’ve been really tired lately.  Having trouble staying awake through the day.  And to make it worse, I’m going to have to titrate off of the medicine that I have to help with that because the insurance company says they will no longer cover it.  The doctor’s office has disputed it twice and have been denied twice.  Since I am no longer diagnosed with sleep apnea, I no longer qualify for this medication.  Oh well, I’ll get over it, I guess.

There are plenty of illegal drugs out there that help with staying awake.

Okay, I’m kidding.  Take that look off your faces!

Now, on to the show!

45 Highly-Questionable Pregnancy Announcement Photoshoots

Norman and his blonde wife live in Prince George. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car. 

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. 

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” 

Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car, again. 

The next week they are having breakfast, again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. 

You must park ………..,” then the electric power goes out.

Norman’s wife says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do.” 

Norman says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

There was a Scot, American, and a Iraqui in a plane on fire and about to crash. There were no parachutes and the only exit was to jump from 49,000 feet high. 

As the Scottish  jumped he yelled, “God save me!” and landed safely in a haystack. 

When the American jumped he also yelled, “God save me!” and landed safely in another haystack. 

The Iraqi wasn’t good at his English and when he jumped he yelled, “God shave me!” and landed in a barber shop.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach.

A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. 

The brunette says in a disgusted voice, “Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I’ll go get some toilet paper.” 

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, “What’s so funny?” 

The blonde says, “Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!”

A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. 

He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn’t reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man’s thumb.

He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminutive size didn’t affect Walter’s work too much. 

Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship. His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter’s size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process. 

The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed. 

As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had cleared — the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before. 

“What’s the big idea? Eek!” 

One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and
squashed him flat with her shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment was
ruined. 

This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows: … you can lead the whores to Walter, but you can’t make ’em shrink.

Ah yes, I know it well!

“If you believe you can, you probably can.  If you believe you won’t, you most assuredly won’t.  Belief is the ignition switch that gets you off the launching pad.”

– Denis Waitley (1933-)

So it was my birthday. I had a big party, and my friend made me a birthday cake.

He brought it out, and it was a savory cake.

It had a doughy base, with cheese and all sorts of other toppings sprinkled on top.

I said “That must have taken a lot of effort to make.”

And he said “No, it was a pizza cake.”

This is an old one, but I had it on very good authority, that it is quite accurate.  (Thank you love)

I’m sure at least some of this will seem familiar to you gals……and the guys waiting for us!

My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms.  When I was a little girl, she’d take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she’d carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.

Finally, she’d instruct, “Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she’d demonstrate “The Stance,” which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.

By this time, I’d have wet down my leg and we’d have to go home to change my clothes.

That was a long time ago.  Even now, in my more “mature years, “The Stance” is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one’s bladder is full.

When you have to “go” in a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women that makes you think there’s a half-price sale on Nelly’s underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling politely.  You get closer and check for feet under the stall doors.  Every one is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won’t latch.  It doesn’t matter.  The dispenser for the new fangled “seat covers” (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.  You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one but there isn’t – so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck (mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume “The Stance.”

Ahhhh, relief.  More relief.

But then your thighs begin to shake.  You’d love to sit down but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold “The Stance” as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale.

To take your mind off of your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.  In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, “Honey, if you would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!”


Your thighs shake more.  You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s still in your purse.  That would have to do.  You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.  It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn’t work.  The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

“Occupied!” you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious toilet seat.  You bolt up quickly, knowing all too well that it’s too late.  Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.  You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you’re certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, “You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.”

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China.  At that point, you give up.  You’re soaked by the splashing water.  You’re exhausted.  You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and, at this point, no longer able to smile politely.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, “Here, you just might need this.”

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the men’s restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. Annoyed, he asks, “What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?”….

This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public restroom (rest???  you’ve got to be kidding!!).  It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long.  It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs.

It’s so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door.

“How long have you been driving without a tail light, mate?” demanded the policeman. 

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the copper was moved to ease up on him a bit. “Oh, come now,” he said. “You don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious.” 

“It isn’t?” cried the motorist. “What happened to my boat and trailer?” 

Yeah, we’ve been there already…

Man, I’m so old…

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, “But you’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you talk!” exclaims the bartender.

“I see your ears are working,” says the duck, “Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?”

“Certainly,” says the bartender, “sorry about that, it’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

“Marvelous!” says the ringleader, “get him to come see me.”

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, “Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!”

“Yeah?” says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”

“At the circus” says the bartender.

“The circus?” the duck enquires.

“That’s right,” replies the bartender.

“The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?” asks the duck.

“That’s right!” says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: “What the heck do they want with a carpenter?”

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”

“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”

“No, mother,” you don’t understand. “I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!”

“Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!” says her mom.

“Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”

“No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.”

“Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?”

“Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said – ‘Prepare from a frozen state,’ so I flew to Alaska!”

Definitions

Divorce:  Future tense of marriage.


Lecture:  An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either.”


Conference:  The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.


Compromise:  The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.


Tears:  The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power…


Dictionary:  A place where success comes before work.


Conference Room:  A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.


Classic:  A book which people praise, but do not read.


Smile:  A curve that can set a lot of things straight.


Office:  A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.


Yawn:  The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.


Adultery – The wrong people doing the right thing.


Chivalry – A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.


Conscience – That which hurts when everything else feels so good.


Constipation – To have and to hold.


Husband – What is left after the nerve has been killed.


Minute Man – One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.


Morning – The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.


Nun – A woman who ain’t never had none, don’t want none, and ain’t going to get none.


Nursery – A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit.


Sin – Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don’t.


Sissy – A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.


Spring Fever – When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.


Stork – The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.


Taxidermist – A man who mounts animals.


Tomcat – A ball bearing mouse trap.

I am?

This one is from Stephen B.

Church Marquee Sayings for Lent

Don’t wait for the hearse to take you to church.

It’s hard to stumble when you’re
down on your knees.

What part of “Thou Shalt Not”
don’t you understand?

A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.

The wages of sin is death.
Repent before payday.

Never give the devil a ride.
He will always want to drive.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

Christians, keep the faith…but not from others!

Satan subtracts and divides.
God adds and multiplies.

To belittle is to be little.

Don’t let the littleness in others
bring out the littleness in you.

God answers knee-mail.

Try Jesus.  If you don’t like Him,
the devil will always take you back.

Okay, how about the rest of the tombstones from Wouter…

And that is just a darn shame!  The stares all around part.

Now THAT is a cool old article!

Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper: 

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart. 

Conditions were perfect…12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over…the “Tell me when we’re having fun”  kind of day. 

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room.  He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.  He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.  If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn’t help matters. 

With time running out, the woman weighed her options.  Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice.  He assured her, “The white will provide more than adequate camouflage.”  So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. 

If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don’t move.   Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way.  Steep slopes are not forgiving…even during the most embarrassing moments. 

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees…somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.  Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. 

She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.  The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. 

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.  At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol.  They transported her to a hospital. 

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.  “So, how’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk.  “It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said.  “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn’t believe my eyes! 

There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants.  I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift.” 

“So, how’d you break your arm?” 

And that’s it my friends.  May God Bless you all with love and happiness until we meet again.