Okay, let me ask you guys a question straight out.  I got a comment on the blog that said basically, “What happened?  All I got was an ad.”  There should not be ANY ads showing up with Dragon Laffs.  I specifically PAY so that there are no ads.  Now, I know on the website (where everyone should be going, but I know that nobody does for some reason… I know, I know, it’s SO MUCH easier for you to get it in your email) there aren’t any ads, but are you guys getting ads in the email version?  If so, let me know please.  Anyway, I suppose I should start putting this in every issue…

So, to the rest…

I LOVE that picture!!!

You don’t truly grasp the size of eagles until one is right in front of you.

If anybody wants a list of all the famous Bugs Bunny quotes, I can send it to you as a WhatsApp doc.

Luke 9:23 ~ Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”  I have the hardest time keeping that in mind sometimes.  Too much daily pain and loneliness, which leads to depression.  I know God wants me to pick up my cross and follow Him, but sometimes it gets hard to stay motivated to do that.

Another one A.I. generated by Impish

So I’m on my way to work and this Dodge Durango is in front of me and going slow.  Then I noticed it was for sale and the number was on the back window.  So, I decided to call it. 

Me:  I’m calling about the blue Durango.

Them: Okay, yes it’s for sale.

Me: Does it run?

Them: Yes it does.

Me: Well, step on the gas or get the heck out of my way!

So, right now it’s Sunday night and I’m trying to get as much done on Thursday/Friday’s issue as I can because EVERY night this week I’ve got something going on after work.  I volunteered to help out as security for our Vacation Bible School (VBS) at church from 1800 (6pm) to 2000 (8pm) on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.  Wednesday I have Jail Ministry.  This is the only time frame that I usually have to work on DL.  I can maybe squeeze in a half hour here and there.  So, I am trying to get as much done as I can tonight so maybe I can have a real issue by then.  Just so you guys are aware this is going to be a rough week for me.

And I have another one coming up where I will be out of town.  I will be at Maxwell AFB in Alabama for a week at the end of August for a class called the Emergency Operations Center Director.  It’s basically filling a square for me since I could go there and teach the course, but since I haven’t had it I’m supposed to.  Gotta love it.  Alabama in August.

Izzy said, “You haven’t had to go to any classes in a long time.”  I said, “Honey, that’s because I can teach most of the classes now.”  LOL.

Anyway, back to the show.

That’s disgusting, but true.

This one is from Lynn, I have to say, I’m pretty impressed with her husband…

My husband is the very best! Every contractor we contacted to do our addition wanted to overcharge us by making up silly words and phrases about things we “needed”. We must have tried 2 dozen different ones and they all wanted to do things by something called “code” and put in reinforced foundation blah blah blah’s. 

Well “screw that noise”, said my husband. Resourceful like he is, he went onto YouTube and learned how to do our addition all by himself. Yes, that’s right you overpriced scamming contractors, he did it all by himself for 10% of the price you all estimated. 

Once he figures out why it keeps sinking in the one corner, we will be moving our downstairs gym to the new addition (I run out of breath going downstairs). 

Don’t let contractors scam you into overpaying. I hope our testimonial here inspires even more do-it-yourselfers to do it cheaper themselves

Now my wife says she wants an infinity pool.

It never ends, does it?

People act shocked when there is a shark sighting around here. Good rule of thumb for Florida. If you see water, taste it. If it’s salty there are sharks in it…if not salty, there are alligators in it.

I hate when people ask me if I did anything exciting over the weekend…like I’m over here skydiving.  I’m old.  I went to walmart, did some laundry, ate too much food, and took a nap.

Just because I like to walk around in my underwear, eating Doritos, does not make me strange.

You folks in aisle 4 just need to stop staring.

Just more evidence.  This one is called Epic Incompetence.  Thanks Sasquatch:

I just really like the last one.

Marriage Tip:

Tighten the lids on all the jars in the house. She’ll have to speak to you eventually.

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf.
 
Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.
She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
 
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
 
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, “Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.”
 
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
 
All eyes were fastened on her as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
 
The father’s mouth was agape. “That was beautiful,” he said.
 
The blonde put her driver away and said, “I really didn’t get into it, and I faded it a little.”
 
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)
 
The son said, “Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.”
 
The blonde frowned and said, “It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I’ve left a tricky little putt.” She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
 
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
 
For the rest of the round the blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
 
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
 
She turned to the three guys and said, “I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course.
 
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch for him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.”
 
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, “Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.”
 
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.
“Don’t listen to the kid, darling’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.”
 
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme, sweetheart.”
 
The blonde smiled and said, “Your car or mine?”
 
REMEMBER . . . OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME

I decided I wasn’t going to let getting older slow me down.

But my body had other plans.

Yeah, I don’t get it.

One day, long, long ago, a young man decided to pursue a military career. His preference from the three services was the Air Force. When he went to the recruiting office, the officer in charge asked him if he had a profession or trade. 

“I am a Glugmaker,” the young man replied. The officer,who had never heard of a Glugmaker,looked up his book of aviation trades but could not find any Glugmakers listed. “I’m sorry,” he said to the young man, “we don’t appear to have any vacancies for Glugmakers at the moment. Why don’t you try the Army or the Navy?” 

So the young man, disappointed at the news, went around to the Army recruiting office. The recruiting officer asked him if he had a profession or trade, to which the young man replied, “I am a Glugmaker”. 

The officer, who had never heard of a Glugmaker, looked up his book of Army trades but could not find any Glugmakers listed. “I’m sorry,” he said to the young man, “we don’t appear to have any vacancies for Glugmakers at the moment, why don’t you try the Air force or the Navy?” 

“I’ve already tried the Air Force,” said the young man, by this time feeling very exasperated. “I guess I’ll have to try the Navy.” And off he went to the Navy recruiting office. 

When he arrived, the officer in charge asked him if he had a profession or trade. For the third time he responded, “I am a Glugmaker.”

The officer, who had never heard of a Glugmaker, looked up his book of naval trades but could not find any Glugmakers listed. Not wanting to appear a fool in front of a civilian for not knowing what a Glugmaker was, he decided to call his superior for advice. Unfortunately, his superior also did not know what a Glugmaker was and so he told the recruiting officer to advise the young man to try one of the other forces. 

“But I have already tried them both and they do not have any vacancies,” said the young man. “It’s a very specialised trade, you know.” 

On hearing this, the officer decided, just in case, to contact his superior again. On learning of the very specialised nature of Glugmaking, the superior, who was only a Captain, decided to take the matter to an even higher level. In the meantime, he instructed the recruitment officer to send the young man away until they had obtained further advice from higher echelons of the Navy. The young man,after leaving his name, address and telephone number, returned to his home to await further developments. 

Meanwhile, the Navy Captain, who was looking to further his career, organised a team to investigate what a Glugmaker did. His team could not, however, find any record of Glugmaking in any of their files. He telephoned one of his aquaintances in the Air Force to see if he could obtain the information, but, when he asked, the aquaintance, never having heard of a Glugmaker and not wanting to seem stupid, replied, “I’m very sorry, but that is classified information and so I am not allowed to tell you.” 

Feeling by now very desperate, the Captain called another aquaintance in the Air Force. Again, when he asked the question, he received the same reply: “I’m sorry, but that is classified information and I am not allowed to tell you.” 

With that, the Captain decided that he would really have to take the matter to higher authorities. He called his superior, a Vice Admiral, and explained about the Glugmaker wanting to enlist and how he could not find out what a Glugmaker did. 

The Vice Admiral, not wanting to be bothered with what he considered to be a trivial matter, said to the Captain, “Why don’t you send him away to the Army or Air Force recruitment centre and get rid of him?” 

The Captain explained that the Glugmaker had already tried both of the other forces and found that they did not have any vacancies. On hearing this, the Vice Admiral replied, “Well, if they don’t want him, why should we take him?” 

The Captain then told the Vice Admiral of his calls to his associates in the Army and Air Force. “When I called them,” he said, “they both told me that information about Glugmakers was classified and that they could not tell me anything about it. 

“The Glugmaker also told me that his was a very specialised trade,” he added. “The Army and the Air Force obviously must already have one and so don’t need another and that is why they sent him to us.” 

On hearing this, the Vice Admiral responded “Well, if they already have one, and the trade is so specialised, why don’t we have one?” The Captain of course, did not have an answer to this and could only apologise to the Vice Admiral for his lack of knowledge. “Should I contact the Glugmaker and sign him up?” he said. 

The Vice Admiral, being very careful of his position, replied, “Not yet – I will have to run this past the Admiral of the fleet before we make a final decision.” 

The next day, the Vice Admiral called the Admiral of the fleet and told him the whole story. The Admiral, who considered that the Navy was the cream of the armed forces, willingly agreed with the Vice Admiral that the Navy should have it’s own Glugmaker, so much so that he instructed the Vice Admiral to not only recruit the Glugmaker, but to base him exclusively on the pride of the fleet, the Admiral’s own battleship.

The Vice Admiral called the Captain, who, in turn, called the recruiting officer and instucted him to enlist the Glugmaker as soon as possible and have him report to the Admiral’s vessel with all his equipment. The recruiting officer contacted the Glugmaker and advised him of the good news. 

A few days later, after the Glugmaker had been enlisted and issued with his kit, he turned up at the wharf together with a very large truck.

“Glugmaker reporting for duty, sir,” he said to the officer of the watch. 

“Welcome aboard,” said the officer. “We have been expecting you. What do you have in the truck?” 

“That is all my gear and equipment,” replied the Glugmaker. “I will need some help getting it on board.” 

The officer arranged a work party to carry all the equipment aboard and stow it in a lower hold, the only place large enough to hold all the gear. 

The next day, the battleship left port for sea manoeuvres, and, once safely at sea, the Admiral called the Glugmaker to the bridge. 

“Now, Glugmaker, when are you going to start work?” he said. “I will have to start right away,” said the Glugmaker. “It is very time consuming and I must have complete privacy until everything is ready.” 

The Admiral instructed all his officers to make sure that the Glugmaker had everything he needed, a spacious area to work, and told them to ensure that the Glugmaker had complete privacy. 

With that, the Glugmaker departed to the lower hold where his equipment had been stored and began work. For the next few days, except for a few occasions when he sent for the odd tool or two, or maybe some additional materials, nothing was seen of the Glugmaker except at meal times. He kept hard at work and didn’t even issue progress reports. 

After he had been working for a week, the Admiral called him once again to the bridge. “How is your work going down there?” he asked. “Very well indeed, sir,” replied the Glugmaker. 

“Well, when are we going to see some results?” asked the Admiral. “It’s difficult to say at the moment, sir,” replied the Glugmaker, “but it should not be too much longer.” The Glugmaker then returned to work. 

Another week went by and by this time the Admiral was becoming quite upset by the delay and so, once again, he called the Glugmaker to the bridge. 

“Look here, my man, this Glugmaking has been going on for far too long. When is it going to be finished?” he said. 

The Glugmaker replied, “Just a couple more days, sir, and then it will be ready.” 

“Very well,” said the Admiral, “I will give you until Thursday at 1700 hours to complete your task.” 

“Oh, I promise it will be completed by then, sir,” replied the Glugmaker, and then returned to work. 

He worked far into the night for the next two days to ensure thet his work would be finished on time. At 1700 hourson the Wednesday, the Admiral called the Glugmaker to the bridge once again and asked him if his work was finished. 

“Yes, sir,” the Glugmaker replied. “It is at last finished and ready to be put into action.” 

“What do you need then?” asked the Admiral. 

“All I need for the next few hours, sir, is a work crew to help bring the equipment on to the deck and assemble it. We could then have a demonstration first thing in the morning when it will be day light,” replied the Glugmaker. 

The Admiral arranged for the work party and the Glugmaker led them into the hold to start work. 

The first piece that was brought onto deck was an enormous box, which the Glugmaker very carefully had set in place and aligned exactly in the centre of the deck. The next piece was a box of similar design but a little smaller which was placed on top of the first box, again exactly in the centre. All throught the night, the work crew kept bringing up boxes, each one a little smaller than the previous one, and all of which were stacked onto each other, exactly in the centre. 

At about 0500 in the morning, the Glugmaker said, “OK, crew, that’s the final one. Let’s knock off and get some sleep before daylight when we have the demonstration.” 

With a sigh of relief, they all went to their bunks where they fell asleep immediately. 

When daybreak came, the Glugmaker was awoken and told to report to the Admiral. When he reported, the Admiral aked him if he was ready for the demonstration. The Glugmaker replied, “Well, sir, I would appreciate some breakfast first as the crew and I worked all night getting things ready.” 

The Admiral agreed and ordered the Glugmaker to report an hour later, ready to go to work. 

An hour later, feeling much refreshed after a hearty breakfast, the Glugmaker reported once more to the Admiral. “Well, sir,” he said, “Everything seems to be in order and I am ready to go.” “At last,” said the Admiral. “We have waited a long time for this. What do we need to do now?” 

“To take full advantage of this,” said the Glugmaker, “I need every member of the crew, with the exception of people who cannot really leave their posts, assembled on deck to await instructions.”

The Admiral issued the order to have all non-critical personnel assemble on the deck near the structure built by the Glugmaker and, when they were assembled, he and the Glugmaker went to the assembled crew. 

The Glugmaker adressed the crew and explained what was needed to be done when he gave the order. “Immediately when the order is given,” said the Glugmaker, “I will need the entire crew to run right around the deck from stem to stern, until the order is given to halt.” He emphasised the criticality of all personnel starting and stopping at the same time until he was satisfied that the crew fully understood. Finally, he turned to the Admiral and said, “Sir, would you do the honours and give the order?” 

The Admiral gave the order and the crew immediately started running around the deck. Once he was satisfied with the speed of the runners, the Glugmaker went to the stern of the ship and, taking out a hole saw, he cut a hole right in the centre of the stern scuppers. When he was satisfied with the size and smoothness of the hole, he went to the base of the structure he had erected the previous night and began to climb. Up and up he went until he got to the very top. Pausing there, he surveyed the length and breadth of the ship and the crew running around the deck.

Satisfied with their progress, he reached into his pocket and took out a golf ball. With great care, he placed it on top of the highest box in the structure which was just the right size to enable the Glugmaker to balance the golf ball on the top. 

Returning to the deck where the Admiral was waiting, he once more surveyed the situation. Due to the number of crew running around the deck, the ship was developing quite a roll, obviously caused by the weight of the crew as they went from one side of the ship to the other. The roll caused the towering structure to move from side to side and the golf ball at the very top to roll around on the very topmost box.

When the ball had developed a smooth roll, the Glugmaker turned to the Admiral and said, “Sir, on the count of three, please order the crew to halt.” 

“Very well,” said the Admiral. 

At that, the Glugmaker counted: “One… Two.. Three.” 

At the count of three, the Admiral, in his loudest voice, called,

“Halt!” 

The crew, being extremely well disciplined, came to an immediate stop, all on one side of the ship. This caused the ship to list all to the one side and, of course, the towering structure also leaned to the same side.

With the crew coming to such a sudden stop, and because of the list to one side, the golf ball, which had been smoothly rolling around the top of the uppermost box, suddenly popped over the rim of the box and started bouncing down the tower. 

Down and down it came, bouncing from one level to the other until it reached the deck. Once on the deck, because of the angle of the deck, the golf ball ran straight into the scuppers and started rolling towards the stern. 

Everyone’s gaze was fixed on the golf ball as they watched it gather speed. It rolled and rolled until it reached the very stern and, because of the hole that the Glugmaker had made, it shot straight out over the sea. Out and out it went until, because of it’s lack of speed and the law of gravity, it fell down, down, down into the sea and went 

 

GLUG. 

Don’t blame me, blame Joe.

Elvis Costello and Abba are touring together this summer but they haven’t figured out who the headliner will be.  So, watch for Abba and Costello to find out who’s on first.

Illinois  Law 

You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile. 

Retrospectively, I wish I’d bought my baked beans online. Heinz site’s a wonderful thing.

And that’s it my friends.  I made it.  Now I’m dashing off to the next thing.  Love and happiness to you all.