Episode #2323…seems like there ought to be something special for that.  Maybe if it happened in 2023 or something.  But, we didn’t make it.  And we probably won’t make issue 2424 until the year 2025.  We might make 2626 by 2026.

Anyway, I have no idea why I’m speculating on this today.  Weird things are on my mind. 

I think I’ve mentioned to you guys before, that when something is brought up to me over and over again, it’s usually God trying to teach me something or point something out to me or there is a lesson that I’m supposed to learn.  Well, I think I’ve also pointed out to you guys before that my favorite passage is Psalm 23 and over the last week or so I am being inundated with Psalm 23 stuff.  Articles, references, bible study lessons, email suggestions from organizations I belong to, reflection suggestions, and even this morning, a facebook friend who is a Pastor in India, wrote a message on his reflections on Psalm 23.  I won’t copy it out here because it’s his, not mine and because he is a Pastor.  But he included a wonderful picture…

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me;”

When the storm breaks on the mountain, it is the valley that is protected.  I am paraphrasing Charles Spurgeon here a bit, and a bit of Just Bob, It is the shadow of death, the worry of problems, the thought and concern of issues and sins that can destroy us.  Jesus teaches us that if we commit the sin in our thoughts or in our hearts, then we’ve committed the sin and we need to repent and ask forgiveness.  

You can look that one up in Matthew 5:27-28.  

But, by claiming Jesus as our Shepherd, he can protect us from those shadows, as we walk through those valleys.  By walking with Him, living with Him, speaking with Him, His rod and His staff will protect our lives, our minds, and our hearts from even the shadows of sins.  His rod is the natural symbol of His authority and His staff is the symbol of guidance, protection, and comfort.  I’m not explaining this well, mostly because there aren’t the words for it and mostly because I’ve been interrupted in this soliloquy about a dozen times.

Suffice to say that Psalm 23 is on my mind and on my heart and God wants me to learn something from it.  It is a Psalm of comfort for me. 

I always have my coin in my pocket and I usually have a few copies held back because I end up giving so many of them away to people who need them.  (Speaking of which, I believe I need to order a few more because I’m pretty sure I’m down to the last one that’s in my pocket again.)

Well, I couldn’t find the same coin, but one similar enough and I just ordered a couple because they are disappearing.  Christians are being discriminated against around the world and our “swag” is disappearing with it.

So, let’s move on to the rest of the issue, I’m in waiting status for so many other things right now, that I might be interrupted again, but let’s see where we can go with laughing, because laughter truly is the best medicine. 

I could get behind that!

The elderly husband and wife, both a little hard of hearing, were watching golf on TV. 

The husband turned to his wife of some 50 years and said, “In my next life, I’m going to be rich and play all those beautiful golf courses with their great bars and dining and dancing areas.” 

The wife quickly responded, “How will you be able to manage all that with your bad legs? You can barely walk!” 

“I said, ‘..in my next life … ‘” the husband replied.

“Oh,” she said. I thought you said, ‘ … with my next wife … ‘”

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, “Over 35” and “Under 35.” 

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, “Over 35.” He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, “Over 8 inches” and “Under 8 inches.” 

Truthful again, he went through the “Under 8 inches” door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, “Once a night” and “Over 4 times a night.” 

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked “Once a night” and found himself back out on the street. 

The moral of this story is: 

“Always tell the truth and you’ll never get screwed.”

My brother Scott brought over a photo album of his camping trip.  

One picture showed a brown bear helping itself to his food. 

“What kind of bear is that?” I asked. 

“It’s called a Kodiak,” Scott replied. 

“Oh, yeah?” my husband Keith shot back.  “And I suppose those white ones in the Arctic are called Polaroids?” 

What an odd picture…

Understanding relationships:

ATTRACTION- The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT- What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. 

DATING- The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY- A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT- A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest. 

FRIEND- A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. 

INDIFFERENCE- A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man  as “playing hard to get.” 

INTERESTING- A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. 

IRRITATING HABIT- What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY- How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is. 

NYMPHOMANIAC- A man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. 

FRIGID- A man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or one who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER- Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG- A man’s term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just sex. 

Two friends, one very wealthy and the other quite poor, were sitting in a bar late one night. 

They were talking about different things when the poor man asked the rich man, 

“So what did you end up giving you wife for her birthday, the Mercedes or the diamond ring?” 

“I got her the Mercedes *and* the diamond ring,” says the rich man. 

The poor man, a bit puzzled, asked, “Why the hell did you get her both?” 

The rich man replied, “I got her both so if she doesn’t like the ring, she can drive her new car back to the jeweler’s to exchange it.  So… What did YOU buy for YOUR wife?” 

The poor man says, “I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo.” 

Obviously confused, the rich man asked why he chose those items. 

The poor man replied, 

“Because if she doesn’t like the flip-flops, she can go screw herself!” 

WHAT!?!?

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. 

W. C. Fields (1880 – 1946)

Man: “Your hair color is fabulous.” 

Woman: “Thank you. It’s in aisle three at the corner drug store.”

Michigan Law

A state law stipulates that a woman’s hair legally belongs to her husband.

SIGNS THAT YOU DRINK TO MUCH 

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking. 

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 

Career won’t progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts. 

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed. 

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. 

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. 

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. 

At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…” 

Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. 

The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in… 

A workout regime from Joe from NJ that he swears works well…

For those of us getting on in years and needing a bit of exercise, I thought I might let you, my friends, in on a little secret I’ve found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. 

You might wish to adopt this regimen – three days a week or so. I started by standing outside, behind the house, and with a 5-lb. Potato sack in each hand, extending my arms straight out to my sides and holding them there as long as I could. 

After a few weeks I moved up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally, 100-lb. potato sacks.

Finally I got to where I could lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute. 

NEXT, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to over do it at this level. GOOD LUCK 

A man went to the Underwear Company for his 3rd interview.

The manager says, “If you can answer these 3 questions right, the job is yours!  We package our underwear in 5 packs, 7 packs and 12 packs……why?”

The man thinks for a moment and replies, “The 5 packs are for french women, they don’t wear underwear on the weekend!

The 7 packs are for American women, they change their underwear everyday!

And the 12 packs are for men! They only change their underwear once a month!!” 

Once upon a time there was a king who had a beautiful daughter.

One day a young prince from a nearby kingdom came by for a visit.

That night, after everyone had gone to bed, the prince snuck out of his room and entered the princess’ room.

She said, “What are you doing in my room? Leave immediately or I will call my father!”

The Prince said, “Don’t be frightened.  I am not going to hurt you. You are so beautiful.  I just want to kiss you and hold you.” He kissed her lips and here and there and everywhere. Soon he had gone where no man had gone before.  They were enthusiastically doing the nasty.

After he finished, he rolled over and relaxed.

She said, “Wow!  That was fun.  Let’s do it again.”

He climbed back in the saddle for a few seconds.  Then again rolled over and relaxed.

She said, “That was so good.  We have to do it again.”

He wasn’t very enthusiastic, but he just managed to rise again to the occasion.  He then rolled over and again tried to relax.

She said, “Come on, let’s do it again.”

The prince said, “Leave me alone or I will call your father.”

I am so sick and tired of listening to debate stuff.  Izzy hadn’t heard the debate and is replaying it in the background as I’m writing this right now and I’m getting angry as I sit here listening to these two CHILDREN arguing with each other.  What a mess this country is in right now!

BUT IT’S NOT THE BEST PERFORMING ECONOMY IN THE WORLD!!!!!  You have to stop reading your own press releases.

Oh, and by the way, I’m just pushing these political ones out in the order that they are lined up.  Normally, I try to  push a theme or a tone, but today, I can’t.  So, as they are lined up, that’s how they are coming out.

And that last one annoys the CRAP out of me!  How can anyone say that it’s unfair to expect someone to produce ID to vote?  That boggles my mind.  It’s unfair for us to keep you from cheating?  Sorry about that.

Illinois, Des Plaines Law 

Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.

SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION 

You’ve got enough Prozac in your purse to tranquilize King Kong.

You really lose it whenever someone says, “Good morning.”

You spend more time in bed than a hooker at a Shriners convention.

You keep your house so dark that mushrooms are growing in the carpet.

Given a choice, you’d have no preference between sex or a root canal.

On a really bad day, you wouldn’t come to the door if it was Publishers Clearing House. 

Alcohol gives you strength and food settles your nerves. 

Your hands shake so badly that you can brush your teeth  without any voluntary movement. 

Autopsy Club?  Really?  I have some serious questions… I’m going to have to do some research…

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200.

At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. 

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.

The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass. 

After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt, and completed it, thus winning the game and the money. 

Afterwards, one of his buddies said, “That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. 

I can’t believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects.” 

“Well,” said the golfer, “we were married for 25 years.” 

That’s pretty cool!

At the grocery store in the 1960s.

And the final round up…

Okay, so I thought this was crazy and nonsense.  Then I tried it.  Then I thought it was just me, so I had Izzy Dragon try it.  Thumb over the pinky and thumb under the pinky…here’s our results:

So obviously the two of us are part of the 99%.

So, that’s an unusual place to put that one away, but it is where we are stopping for this issue.

I want to say that I’m quite far behind in answering my personal emails, and in replying to some of the comments on the blog site.  First, I have to say Thank you to Leah for the great coffee mug that is currently sitting on the desk in my office at work.  I should have taken a picture of it before the weekend but I forgot.  But, I love it and thank you very much.

David D.  sent us this great story on 10 cent beer night, but sent it to the comments and I missed it until I went back and checked the comments again just now, so here it is for your enjoyment.

Awesome story!  Thanks David!  It’s easier to contribute by sending stuff to: impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com 

Steve H. pointed out that Whales are not fish and give live birth and don’t lay eggs and says that he’s sure that he won’t be the only one to point this out.  That was in reference to the two egg picture of the chicken egg and the whale egg.  And although I thought something was wrong with that one, some niggled in the back of my mind about whales having live birth, I didn’t question it.  And sadly Steve, you were the only one to mention it.

Christ wrote and said: 

I too am appalled at the piss poor immigration policy and things like the murder of 12-year-old Jocelyn Nungaray, BUT…I don’t fault Biden.

Immigration policy is Congress and congress had agreed upon a GOOD immigration bill…BUT Trump told the house not to pass it

So, I blame Trump …and as ex military the thing that frosts me the most about Trump is the casual mishandling of classified documents

Chris

None of them and I do mean NONE of them have handled classified documents to my satisfaction.  I dare say that I could walk into any of their offices and find everything from PII to classified sitting out and unsecured.  It is absurd.  Secret email servers, anonymous email addresses, documents lying around in boxes, in closets…are you kidding me!

I think we would disagree on the definition of a GOOD immigration bill, but on the rest, I agree with you in spirit, if not in fact.  I’m disgusted with the lot of them.

And for the others, I’m sorry and will try and get to them when I can.  My biggest goal is to entertain and to get this monkey off my back.  That is only done by writing.  I have a thing that must be told and it’s stuck.  I will try to work on that later.  For now, let me just say