Dragon Laffs #2322

Posted on June 29, 2024 by impishdragon

I’m not sure how this is going to work out.  Whether this is going to be done for Friday morning or for Saturday.  Either way, you are going to get an issue.

Before we get started today, I wanted to share something with you that I shared on Facebook.  I don’t share a lot of things on FB, but when I do, it’s usually something cleanly funny, or … something like this.  Something that struck me really hard. 

A little background first.  I bought a book, actually I bought three copies of the book because I plan on giving two copies away.  One to a person who I already know will appreciate it a lot and another to someone in the future when the Spirit tells me the person either needs it or will appreciate it.  It is the book of Psalms as commentated by Charles H. Spurgeon. 

Now, Charles Spurgeon (19 Jun 1834 to 31 Jan 1892) was an “English Particular Baptist Preacher.”   Now, I had to look that up.  A Particular Baptist, among other things, believes that the atonement of Christ’s death would work itself out only for the elect and no atonement was provided for the reprobate.  It goes much deeper into Calvinism and the beliefs from there, but him and I differ strongly at that point, so I quit investigating what a “Particular Baptist” was.  Anyway, Charles Spurgeon was, and to some extent, still is, an incredibly influential preacher, orator and writer.  He wrote commentary on each of the 150 Psalms, and someone put them together in a nice little book. 

That I bought.

Three copies of.

And one particular phrase from one particular commentary really struck me this morning and I had to share my own commentary on his commentary.  Here it is as it appeared:

Charles Spurgeon was speaking on Psalm 12, but I wonder if he wasn’t also counseling us, a future generation when he beautifully said, “It should be our daily prayer that we may rise above our age as the mountaintops above the clouds and may stand out as heaven-pointing pinnacles high above the mists of ignorance and sin that roll around us.”

We need to be the shining example to those who don’t see. As my partner in ministry said the other night at the jail, we mustn’t hide our light under a basket.

I pray that we are all “heaven-pointing pinnacles” in our actions and words that we might be the good and faithful servants or our Lord.

What a phrase…”heaven-pointing pinnacles”… picturing bursting through the smog and dirt of the world and leaping skyward toward heaven.  I just let the images roll across my mind and my spirit this morning and revealed in the beauty of a well-turned phrase.

Maybe it’s the writer in me that enjoyed it so much with that tiny bit of sinful covetousness whispering, “I wish I had said that.”

Now, on with the show.

Stephanie sent this next one in to us.  It’s called “Sit With Me”

“You got hammered at the bar on Saturday but came to church on Sunday….You can sit with me. You’re right where you need to be.

You’re a drug addict but came to church on Sunday….You can sit with me. You’re right where you need to be.

You’re divorced, and the last church you attended condemned you for it…. 

You can sit with me. You’re right where you need to be.

You’ve had an abortion and it’s slowly eating away at your heart, but you came to church on Sunday….You can sit with me. You’re right where you need to be.

You’ve been unfaithful to your spouse but came to church on Sunday….You can sit with me. You’re right where you need to be.

Here’s the thing, people don’t come to church on Sunday for you to sit in the pew and quietly judge them because you feel that you’re somehow better than them.

People come to church because in their deepest, darkest, most painful moments, they heard about a man named Jesus who could save their soul and they’d like to know Him.”

Mark 2:17

On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

My front door

All the time!

This next one is also from our dear friend Stephanie!

Yup!

Okay, so it was an old joke, but it’s still funny.

NHRA legend John Force hospitalized in ICU after fiery crash at Virginia Nationals – Yahoo Sports

Okay, clicking on the title should bring you to the article, but in case it doesn’t, click HERE

My assistants screwing off rather than working, LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE!!!

Really, REALLY, REALLY need to change the name of this!

This is AWESOME!  Thanks to Lynn for sending this one in.

Twenty Eight years ago, in Nashville, Tennessee, during the first week of January, 1996, more than 4,000 baseball coaches descended upon the Opryland Hotel for the 52nd annual ABCA’s convention.

While I waited in line to register with the hotel staff, I heard other more veteran coaches rumbling about the lineup of speakers scheduled to present during the weekend. One name kept resurfacing, always with the same sentiment — “John Scolinos is here? Oh, man, worth every penny of my airfare.”
Who is John Scolinos, I wondered. No matter; I was just happy to be there.
In 1996, Coach Scolinos was 78 years old and five years retired from a college coaching career that began in 1948. He shuffled to the stage to an impressive standing ovation, wearing dark polyester pants, a light blue shirt, and a string around his neck from which home plate hung — a full-sized, stark-white home plate.
Seriously, I wondered, who is this guy? After speaking for twenty-five minutes, not once mentioning the prop hanging around his neck, Coach Scolinos appeared to notice the snickering among some of the coaches. Even those who knew Coach Scolinos had to wonder exactly where he was going with this, or if he had simply forgotten about home plate since he’d gotten on stage. Then, finally …
“You’re probably all wondering why I’m wearing home plate around my neck,” he said, his voice growing irascible. I laughed along with the others, acknowledging the possibility. “I may be old, but I’m not crazy. The reason I stand before you today is to share with you baseball people what I’ve learned in my life, what I’ve learned about home plate in my 78 years.”
Several hands went up when Scolinos asked how many Little League coaches were in the room. “Do you know how wide home plate is in Little League?”
After a pause, someone offered, “Seventeen inches?”, more of a question than answer.
“That’s right,” he said. “How about in Babe Ruth’s day? Any Babe Ruth coaches in the house?” Another long pause.
“Seventeen inches?” a guess from another reluctant coach.
“That’s right,” said Scolinos. “Now, how many high school coaches do we have in the room?” Hundreds of hands shot up, as the pattern began to appear. “How wide is home plate in high school baseball?”
“Seventeen inches,” they said, sounding more confident.
“You’re right!” Scolinos barked. “And you college coaches, how wide is home plate in college?”
“Seventeen inches!” we said, in unison.
“Any Minor League coaches here? How wide is home plate in pro ball?”…………“Seventeen inches!”
“RIGHT! And in the Major Leagues, how wide home plate is in the Major Leagues? “Seventeen inches!”
“SEV-EN-TEEN INCHES!” he confirmed, his voice bellowing off the walls. “And what do they do with a Big League pitcher who can’t throw the ball over seventeen inches?” Pause. “They send him to Pocatello !” he hollered, drawing raucous laughter. “What they don’t do is this: they don’t say, ‘Ah, that’s okay, Jimmy. If you can’t hit a seventeen-inch target? We’ll make it eighteen inches or nineteen inches. We’ll make it twenty inches so you have a better chance of hitting it. If you can’t hit that, let us know so we can make it wider still, say twenty-five inches.’”
Pause. “Coaches… What do we do when your best player shows up late to practice? or when our team rules forbid facial hair and a guy shows up unshaven? What if he gets caught drinking? Do we hold him accountable? Or do we change the rules to fit him? Do we widen home plate? “
The chuckles gradually faded as four thousand coaches grew quiet, the fog lifting as the old coach’s message began to unfold. He turned the plate toward himself and, using a Sharpie, began to draw something. When he turned it toward the crowd, point up, a house was revealed, complete with a freshly drawn door and two windows. “This is the problem in our homes today. With our marriages, with the way we parent our kids. With our discipline.
We don’t teach accountability to our kids, and there is no consequence for failing to meet standards. We just widen the plate!”
Pause. Then, to the point at the top of the house he added a small American flag. “This is the problem in our schools today. The quality of our education is going downhill fast and teachers have been stripped of the tools they need to be successful, and to educate and discipline our young people. We are allowing others to widen home plate! Where is that getting us?”
Silence. He replaced the flag with a Cross. “And this is the problem in the Church, where powerful people in positions of authority have taken advantage of young children, only to have such an atrocity swept under the rug for years. Our church leaders are widening home plate for themselves! And we allow it.”
“And the same is true with our government. Our so-called representatives make rules for us that don’t apply to themselves. They take bribes from lobbyists and foreign countries. They no longer serve us. And we allow them to widen home plate! We see our country falling into a dark abyss while we just watch.”
 
I was amazed. At a baseball convention where I expected to learn something about curve balls and bunting and how to run better practices, I had learned something far more valuable.
From an old man with home plate strung around his neck, I had learned something about life, about myself, about my own weaknesses and about my responsibilities as a leader. I had to hold myself and others accountable to that which I knew to be right, lest our families, our faith, and our society continue down an undesirable path.
“If I am lucky,” Coach Scolinos concluded, “you will remember one thing from this old coach today. It is this: “If we fail to hold ourselves to a higher standard, a standard of what we know to be right; if we fail to hold our spouses and our children to the same standards, if we are unwilling or unable to provide a consequence when they do not meet the standard; and if our schools & churches & our government fail to hold themselves accountable to those they serve, there is but one thing to look forward to …”
With that, he held home plate in front of his chest, turned it around, and revealed its dark black backside, “…We have dark days ahead!.”
Note: Coach Scolinos died in 2009 at the age of 91, but not before touching the lives of hundreds of players and coaches, including mine. Meeting him at my first ABCA convention kept me returning year after year, looking for similar wisdom and inspiration from other coaches. He is the best clinic speaker the ABCA has ever known because he was so much more than a baseball coach. His message was clear: “Coaches, keep your players—no matter how good they are—your own children, your churches, your government, and most of all, keep yourself at seventeen inches.”
And this my friends is what our country has become and what is wrong with it today, and now go out there and fix it!
“Don’t widen the plate”

Author Unknown: thanks

What in the world is a 3% “Honest To Goodness Fee” and a Harmonized Sales Tax?

https://www.yahoo.com/news/nyc-dad-outraged-over-plan-190026717.html

NYC dad outraged over plan to open homeless shelter next to son’s elementary school

Taylor Penley
·2 min read
 
 
 

New York City plans to open a “low-barrier” homeless shelter in a building attached to an elementary school in Lower Manhattan, meaning parents could soon find people with a criminal history or substance abuse issues next door to their kids.

“You just start to wonder, what was the thought process? Who’s checking boxes? Who’s placing these locations within the [Department of Social Services]? Who’s doing their due diligence to find out where they should go? There’s not even a certain amount of feet. It’s attached to the building of this elementary school,” father Kenny Grant told “Fox & Friends Weekend.”

Grant, whose son is set to enter kindergarten at the Peck Slip School, is one of many parents outraged by the decision that came to everyone’s attention last week.

What the ever livin’ snowballs?!?!  That is just WRONG!!!  Thanks to Stephen B for bringing that one to our attention!

At a boat rental concession, the manager went to the lake’s edge and yelled through his megaphone, “Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up.” Several minutes passed, but the boat didn’t return. “Boat number 99,” he again hollered, “return to the dock immediately or I’ll have to charge you overtime.”

“Something is wrong here, boss,” his assistant said. “We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99.”

The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega-phone.

“Boat number 66!” he yelled. “Are you having trouble out there?”

Stephen B. sent me a picture of his first car.  Here’s what he said:

I thought I might share a picture of my very first car, a 1970 Dodge Challenger R/T.  (Not my actual car in the picture.)  I was 18 years old, already working for the NYC Transit Authority, and it cost $4.998.00 (if I remember correctly.)  Gas was 34 cents a gallon and boy did this car eat up gas!  

So, I thought I’d share my first car, which was a 1967 Plymouth Barracuda that I paid $100.  This picture is DEFINITELY not my car, but I loved mine to actual death.  Drove the wheels off it.

I actually searched through the house through the old photo albums because I was sure I had a picture of it somewhere.  I found some interesting pictures of me in the air force, but none of the car.  I’ll need to scan some of the others in sometime and show you some of them.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 

– Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 

Maryland Laws 

It’s illegal to mistreat oysters.

SIGNS THAT CHILDHOOD IS OVER 


*Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn’t do it anymore.

*Driving a car doesn’t always sound like fun. 

*The average 10-year-old doesn’t have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.

*Being bad is no longer cool. 

*You have friends who have kids. 

*Saturday mornings are for sleeping. 

*You are taller than the slide at the McDonald’s playland. 

*Your parents’ jokes are now funny. 

*You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” 

*You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore. 

*Naps are good. 

*You once deemed Space Invaders as “The best game ever.”

*You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen. 

*You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd. 

*You want clothes for Christmas. 

*You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it’s a shot of you from behind. 

The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. 

“Are you sure this is your house?” the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood. 

“Shertainly.” said the drunk, “and if you’ll just open the door f’me, I can prove it to ya.” 

Entering the living room, he said ” You shee that piano ? Thash mine. You shee that giant television set ? Thast mine too. Now follow me.” 

The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. 

The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. “Thish ish my bedroom,” he announced. “Shee the bed there ? Thast mine ! Shee that woman lying in the bed ? Thash my wife. An’ see that guy lying next to her ? 

“Yeah ?” the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man’s story. 

“Well, thash me !” 

Understanding Investments 


STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it.  It will then be worth $8.50. 

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com. 

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell “Broke”.

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you. 

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter. 

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you’re supposed to be listening to your manager’s presentation. 

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn’t actually own.  Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e.  “The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I’m a little short this month.”).

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one. 

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call. 

Okay, my dear loving daughter is trying to kill me.  I worked all day today, rushed home before it started raining to mow the lawn so that I could finish up this Dragon Laffs since I’ve been so busy all week.  I come in the house and ask her to take the dogs out and feed them and she’s in the middle of doing her nails, so I said I’d take care of it, although it’s getting late, so I take care of the dogs, come back in and sit down at the laptop and she begs me to take her to the grocery store so we can go shopping so we won’t have to go tomorrow.  She BEGS me.  So, being the dad that I am, I give in and take her to the grocery store, where we spend way too much money and then have to put all the groceries away and now it’s getting late and I finally sit down to work and realize I haven’t had a single piece of real food to eat all day so I figure (oh, I forgot, in between there, I cleaned the tub with this special stuff we bought at the store because I didn’t want her doing it), anyway, I figure she owes me and can make me dinner and I look over and she’s sound asleep in her chair!

Unbelievable!  

So, being the kind and understanding dad that I am, what did I do?

I woke her butt up!

Well, I’m sure the big political news on everyone’s plate this morning is the debate.  Should have just called it the debacle!  What a mess!  For my money, neither one of them behaved “presidentially.”  Can’t we just throw these two fish back in the ocean and cast our lines back in again?  I would say that Trump did better than Biden or maybe it would be better said that Biden did worse than Trump.  If these are the only two choices than I suppose I would rather have Trump than Biden, but not by much.

I tried to find this on youtube so you could watch it yourself, but it’s only on tiktok, which I hate, but you have to watch this.  You have probably already seen it by now, but watch it again anyway.  This guy reorders an order from Walmart that he had from 2022…well, just click on this link HERE!

In two years.  

Two years!

That is NOT 8% inflation folks.  That’s like 300% inflation! (328% to be exact!)

Okay, those were some that were sent in by you guys that I found real quick.  

ROFLMAO!!!

Let’s face it, the whole place is full of hypocrites, liars, and thieves! 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, “Where have you been?” 

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?” 

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.” 

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused. 

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.”

God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, “What’s that one?”

“Ah,” said God. “That’s Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them superhuman, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!”

God replied wisely,

“Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I’m putting next to them.”

Maybe I’m showing my age…but aren’t they the “Where’s the beef?” ladies?

Yup!

(Man, I’m good!)

Massachusetts  Law

All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.

We’re going to finish off today’s issue with a new section that will run until I run out of these pictures.  Some of these are pretty good.

That’s it for those for today. One final meme set and I’m going to call it a night.  I still have some work to do before I can hit the sack.  Feel free to send in interesting historical photos to add to my collection to extend this section a bit further.

SIGNS THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR MARRIAGE 

* The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments. 

* You have his n’ hers bathrooms. 

* New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labelled “Anthrax” and “Cyanide.” 

* Sex is scheduled for a Thursday evening in the boring bit between the news and the late night sports show. 

* Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house. 

* Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard. 

* Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your spouse with a carving knife. 

* You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks. 

* Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up late studying the small print in your life insurance policy.

And that’s that …

May God Bless you and keep you and may He shine His face upon you. and remember…

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1 Response to Dragon Laffs #2322

  1. Sammye says:
    June 29, 2024 at 10:28

    Re the Where’s The Beef question, don’t know who the other two are, but the short one on the right is definitely Clara Peller who rocketed to fame from that commercial and phrase.

    Reply

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