Well, it’s Saturday and I’ve been in all day because #1 it’s too darn hot out and #2 I really don’t feel great today. 

I do want to give a shout out to my Izzy Dragon.  We’ve been cleaning out the house and have made like 3 or 4 trips now to Goodwill to drop stuff off.  Stuff as in car loads of stuff.  A ministry partner of mine said that if we run across any toys, she could use them for a client of hers that she is counseling for grief.  He is on a very fixed income (ridiculously low) and when he has to watch his grandkids he has no toys for them. So Izzy gathered up some of her stuff, got some stuff at Goodwill, and bought a couple of little things new, put them all in a plastic tub with a lid (to act as a toy box) and now I’ll be giving these over to her at church tomorrow.

And she did it on her own.

And she’s technically unemployed right now.  Although she starts her new job on Monday while you guys are reading this.  She will be working out on base with me.  Well, not with me, but on base.  I’m really proud of her.

So far, I’ve gotten some memes and stuff from you guys.  Not from any new people yet, but more from some of the regulars, so that’s something.  So, come on folks…

 

In the meantime, let’s get to the stuff you’ve already sent me…

Okay, we’ll do it.  We have to.  Ahem… how many of you didn’t get the last one, by a show of hands?  Uh huh.  That’s what I thought.  Maybe this will help…

Originally recorded in 1966…I was 8 years old.

Here’s an oldie but goodie from Aussie Pete.

When I was about 7 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a co-worker of his, someone I didn’t even know. 

When we got there, I stood in a corner waiting for the time to pass. 

An old  bitter looking man approached me and said, “Enjoy life kid, enjoy it because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.” 

Then he passed his hand over my head and left. 

My father, before leaving took me with him to pay honors to his friend. 

When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!! 

I was so traumatized I couldn’t sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. 

I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.

It was many years later when I discovered something remarkable that completely changed my life for the better.

That guy that died all those years ago had a twin brother !

If you don’t get that one, read Jonah.

I had gotten that Calvin quote from someone and it touched me deeply.  I tried very hard to find a graphic to put it with, but was unsuccessful.  A few weeks later this picture shows up and I thought, this is perfect!

Rugged!!!

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his physical activity level.

The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors and yesterday afternoon was typical. “I took a five-hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.  I waded along the edge of a lake, pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles, got sand in my shoes and my eyes, barely avoided stepping on a snake, climbed several rocky hills, went to the bathroom behind some big trees, ran away from an irate mother bear, and then was chased by an angry bull elk.” 

“The mental stress of it all left me shattered.  At the end of it all, I drank a scotch whisky and three Manhattans.”

Amazed by the story, his doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!!!”

“No,” the man replied, “I’m just a really, really lousy golfer.”

My personal scribe.

That one got me all the way through.

“I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.” 

Albert Einstein (1879 – 1955)

Pop Smith sent that one and it’s called Welder Fun.

Louisiana Law 

One could land in jail for up to a year for making a false promise

That is SO CUTE!

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: 
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels 

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: 
“We’re #1 in the #2 business.” 

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: 
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.” 

At a Proctologist’s door 
“To expedite your visit, please back in.” 

On a Plumber’s truck: 
“We repair what your husband fixed.” 

On a Plumber’s truck: 
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..” 

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: 
“Invite us to your next blowout.” 

On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door: 
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?” 

At a Towing company: 
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.” 

On an Electrician’s truck: 
“Let us remove your shorts.” 

On a Maternity Room door: 
“Push. Push. Push.” 

At an Optometrist’s Office 
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” 

On a Taxidermist’s window: 
“We really know our stuff.” 

In a Podiatrist’s office: 
“Time wounds all heels.” 

On a Fence: 
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.” 

At a Car Dealership: 
“The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.” 

Outside a Muffler Shop: 
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.” 

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: 
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!” 

At the Electric Company: 
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment. 
However, if you don’t, you will be.” 

In a Restaurant window: 
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.” 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.” 

And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: 
“Best place in town to take a leak.” 

DUCK!

Saw that one coming!

A guy goes into this diner, and it’s not too clean. 

The waitress comes over, and she doesn’t look too good, either.

He figures he’s not going to take any chances, so he orders two hamburgers and a hot dog. 

Well, a few minutes later the waitress comes over with the hamburgers under her arms. 

He asks, “What are the hamburgers doing under your arms?” 

She says, “I’m keeping them warm.” 

He says, Cancel the hot dog.” 

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars. 

The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing?” he asks the drunk. 

“I’m looking for my car, and I can’t find it.” 

“So how does feeling the roof help you?” He asked the drunk. 

“Well,” the drunk replied. “MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!” 

Why, oh why is it always Bob?

THOUGHTS ON LIFE

Why are things typed up but written down?

We had Cured Ham for Christmas dinner.  We all wondered what illness it was cured of. 

Why do people say they “worked like a dog”?  Our dog just sat around all day. 

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out that wheels on luggage would be a good idea? 

I’m a light eater.  As soon as it’s light, I start to eat.

I used to watch golf on TV during the weekend, but my doctor told me I needed more exercise …  so now I watch tennis. 

Why are you “in” a movie, but you’re “on” TV? 

How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend?

Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?

I’m going to try the Atkins diet in 2024 because my end no longer justifies the jeans.

A true classic!

The Talking Clock

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
“What’s up with the big brass gong?” one of his guests asked.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup,” replied the drunk.
“How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.
“Watch,” the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed…
“You idiot! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!”

I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $40, so I gave it to the charity shop next door. 
They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it back for $15.

My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. 
We’ve been awake since Tuesday.

Someone just gave me half a peace sign. 
Weird.

Growing up, we knew Dad had had enough when we heard the recliner slam down. 
Kids these days will never know that fear.

My wife said: “That’s the 4th time you’ve gone back for dessert! Doesn’t it embarrass you?” 
I said: “No, I keep telling them it’s for you.”

She said she missed me. 
Normally that would be good but she’s reloading.

When I was in elementary school, we learned about a shape called a rhombus …
And that was the last time I ever heard about that shape.

My wife and I started role-playing in the bedroom. 
Her favorite is The Sexy Librarian where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

Being old is when you don’t care where your spouse goes,  …
Just as long as you don’t have to go too.

I now know how it will all end for me, …
One of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

At a wedding reception, someone yelled: “All married people please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

I met my wife at a singles night. 
I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids.

I want someone I can share my entire life with …
Who will leave me alone most of the time.

Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation.” 
We’re spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, …
I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

World’s Shortest Fairy Tale: 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?” The girl said “No.” 

And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing a lot. 

THE END 

Let’s start with an article sent in by Lynn.  I’m going to warn you right up front, it’s a bit rough and hard to read.  It REALLY pisses me off.

2 migrant men from Venezuela were just arrested in Texas for murdering 12-year-old Jocelyn Nungaray.  Jocelyn was found in a creek after going missing Monday. Police say she was likely raped before being strangled to death.

One of the illegals came into our country just a few weeks ago and was released by the Biden administration.

SAY HER NAME: Jocelyn Nungaray

Every single day we see these stories. When is enough enough?

You’ve got District Attorneys like that idiot in New York who let’s them out of jail or refuses to prosecute, and yet we the January 6ers who are in prison now for four years with NO TRIAL, NO ACCESS to lawyers.  And you have 70 year-old grandmothers who are being put in jail for YEARS for praying at abortion clinics for the lives of unborn babies.  Yet, the lawbreakers that are in our country illegally can literally get away with MURDER and we welcome them with open arms.

Thank you, Lynn, for sending that in with the pictures. Much appreciated.  Now, on with the rest…

And in celebration of the last little bit of PRIDE month…

Let’s close the political section out with a beautiful picture…

Texas Law 

It is illegal to have more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

 

A worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kind voice in her ear: “How are you, darling? What kind of a day are you having?” 

“Oh, mother,” said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, “I’ve had such a bad day. The baby won’t eat, and the washing machine broke down. I haven’t had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I’ve just sprained my ankle and have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess, and I’m supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight.” 

The mother was shocked and all sympathy. “Oh, darling,” she said, “sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I’ll be over in a half an hour. I’ll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I’ll feed the baby and call a repairman who’ll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I’ll do everything. In fact, I’ll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once.” 

“George?” said the housewife. “Who’s George?”

“Why, George! Your husband!…Is this 223-1374?” 

“No, this is 223-1375.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I have the wrong number.” 

There was a short pause, and the housewife said, “Does this mean you’re not coming over?” 

On the first day of the school term the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather proper-looking young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Emily and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class. 

The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class. Emily assured him that she was. 

The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, “This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?” 

“What exactly do you mean?” Emily asked. 

“Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?” the teacher expounded. 

After pondering for a moment, Emily admitted, “I can’t really say, since I’ve never been ‘bolted’ before.”

This breaking news article is from Joe in NJ.  It’s entitled:

Tank 1, Car 0

MONDOVI (WQOW) – A man was arrested after reportedly crashing a UTV into a military tank in Mondovi Saturday.

According to a press release from the Mondovi Police Department, they received a report at around 12:49 early Saturday morning that a UTV had crashed into a tank at Veterans Memorial Park.

Officers found the Polaris UTV had crashed head on into an M60 Main Battle Tank on display at the park

The investigation shows the UTV left the roadway, went over a curb, and hit multiple signs before crashing into the tank.

The tank was not damaged.

The driver was identified as Christopher Shultz of Mondovi, and was arrested for operating a UTV under the influence of an intoxicant. Schultz was the only person in the UTV and refused EMS evaluation.

The police department said both speed and alcohol are believed to be factors in the crash.

Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking. 

Hans ran inside to get help, yelling “Mom! Dad! Come quick! There’s a Franc in Stein! 

That’s it for tonight my friends.  There may or may not be an issue on Thursday.  They are getting to be so hard any more.  I may start just posting on Fridays and Mondays.  I’ll have to think about that.  I really don’t have any time for anything any more.  My writing has all but dried up, my reading, my studying…oh I don’t even want to talk about THAT!!!  LOL.  But this is so very important to me…so maybe we’ll try Fridays and Mondays and see how that works.  What do you guys think?  And maybe I can share some of my writing with you inbetween.  Let me know.  And in the meantime…