Well, here it is Thursday.  Today’s issue has gone out and I am already working on Saturday’s issue because I am determined that it is going to be a full and complete one.  Yes, I was a bit disappointed in today’s issue.  So far, I haven’t gotten any comments or anything, which in and of itself is nether a good thing nor a bad thing, but usually I get something.  So, I guess we’ll wait and see.

It’s early enough that I don’t have anything special to share with you guys, so let’s move on to the funny stuff and see where the rest of it leads us.

No!  Nope! Na ah! Not happenin’! No Way! No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No!

“John, for heaven’s sake, why can’t you just talk to me once in a while?” whined Suzy.
 
“Huh?” John responded.
 
“Look around you!” she yelled as she pointed around the room. “All these books. Your head is always buried in books. You don’t even know I’m alive!”
 
“Oh. I’m sorry.” replied John.
 
“You know, sometimes I wish I were a book. Then you’d at least look at me.”
 
“Hmmm,” John mumbled in deep thought, “that’s not a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting.”

Hallmark cards you won’t see….but would probably sell.

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
INSIDE: That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas…
INSIDE: I hope it’s your sister.

OUTSIDE: I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell ’til I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder…
INSIDE: What the hell was I thinking!

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I’m dreaming, I wish you weren’t so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody’s stupid enough to admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: I’m so miserable without you…
INSIDE: It’s almost like you’re here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend…
INSIDE: Buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

GRANDPAS ARE DIFFERENT

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his granddaughter on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy– just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. “Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked.

“Not really, Pa… it was boring. We didn’t see a single asshole, weirdo, piece of shit, horse’s arse, socialist left wing Biden lover, blind bastard, dip shit, wanker, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!” We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn’t have any fun.

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

“Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.” 

Bill Cosby (1937 – )

John Milton wrote “Paradise Lost.” 

Then his wife died and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”

Massachusetts, Boston Law 

 An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday. 

A useful guide for hangover descriptions 

1 star hangover * 

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries. 

2 star hangover ** 

Slight headache. Don’t feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails. 

3 star hangover *** 

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once. 

4 star hangover **** 

Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss Side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. 

5 star hangover (aka Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell) ***** 

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen. Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it’s toothpaste crust. You don’t give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe…very gently.

Not bad as far as descriptions go.  Could probably use an update.

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. 

They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. 

Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.

“Help me, I’ve been mugged and viciously beaten.” he pleaded.

The two social workers turned and walked away.

 One remarked to her colleague, “You know the person that did this really needs help.” 

Absolutely amazing!!

I agree with the sender of this picture…I’d have to lose weight before I could live here.

That’s just a bit too close for me.

What’d you do this weekend?
Oh, my ass was just hangin’ out.

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/jiRxGGjQ7u1kRC2x/?mibextid=0VwfS7

Good advice no matter what is going on.

This next one is so appalling, so terribly, terribly sad, that I’m not sure I even want to show it.

But I think I have to.  

I don’t understand why the Jews are hated so terribly.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Q: How do you cure bed wetting? 

A: An electric Blanket. 

Rachel, completely fed up with her husband’s Internet obsession finally takes matters into her own hands. 

One night as Morris is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. 

She pulls open the coat and yells, ” Your Time for Super Sex!”

He ignores her. 

So, she repeatedly yells, “Super Sex! Super Sex! Super Sex!”

Finally Morris replies….. “Ok, I’ll take the soup.” 

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND “GUYS” 

Men: know what they want to be doing five years from now. 
Guys: are not sure what they want to do later tonight. Okay, so for this one I’m a man and a guy.

Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf. 
Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker. This one is more guy than man. Disliked Rather and golf.

Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces. 
Guys: wear high school T-shirts they’ve actually owned since high school. This one’s a draw.  I detest ties and will go out of my way to the point of avoidance to not wear one, but do wear shirts with buttons and shoes with laces and at my age, still have shirts (and wear them) from high school.  There is a Moody Blues Concert T-shirt that I’m particularly fond of.

Men: balance their checkbooks. 
Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.  All man on this one.

Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner. 
Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.  And all man on this one.

Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers. 
Guys: are afraid of becoming men.  Hmmm, neither one?  I’m not afraid of becoming my father, I haven’t, and the other one is childish.

Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call. 
Guys: pretend you’re not there when their moms call. Mostly man I suppose on this one.

Men: order wine based on more than the price. 
Guys: bring their own beer. Both here.  I know how to order wine that I like, or that YOU would like, and when appropriate, I will bring the beer.

Well, hurmph.  I really thought I was going to start a man rant with that one, but it didn’t manifest itself.  Man-i-fest itself…see what I did there?  LOL!  No?  Okay…

We just got a new recruit in the squadron who is younger than my grandson…I’m now officially REALLY old.

But, that’s okay.  I REALLY ROCK REALLY OLD!  LOL!  (I just wish it didn’t hurt so bad.)

Two fellows were fishing from a dock when an alligator nipped one of them on the foot. 

The fisherman screamed, ‘An alligator just bit off one of my toes.’

‘Which one?’ his buddy asked. 

‘How do I know!’ the wounded angler friend said in disgust. 

‘All alligators look alike to me!’

During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach.  

I called room service and ordered some soda crackers.  

When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious.  I called room service and raged, “I know I’m in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!” 

“The crackers are complimentary,” the voice at the other end cooly explained.  “I believe you are complaining about your room number.” 

Well, that’s it.

I do have a request…or maybe a warning of a kind.  Believe it or not, I’m running really low on memes and cartoons.  Of ALL types.  Political, regular, all kinds.  I don’t know that it’s ever happened that I couldn’t publish an episode because I didn’t have any material, but that might be the future if I don’t get more submissions.  Now, I have gotten more particular and the rules are rather stringent and the episodes have gotten a little bit longer, so all of those factors may have contributed to my sudden lack of stuff… so my request to you guys is probably rather obvious…

And I know that most of you know where to send it, but for those of you who don’t know here is the email address:

Do not…DO NOT send pictures and such to the comments section of the website or the email.  By all means, send comments!  I love to read your comments, but when you send pictures, memes, links, things like that, about half the time I don’t get them.  This is THE best address to send stuff to me, to write to me, to contact me, to complain to me, to call me names, all of that stuff!

impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com

And for the best experience in reading the blog …the ezine…the episode … is to go to the website itself at dragonlaffs.com and read it there.  

That’s going to wrap it up for today.  I hope you found that this one was a little better than the last one.