Another really busy week.  I don’t really have very much to say.  Okay, so that’s not true, I have a ton of stuff to say, just not any time to say it.  So, you guys have two choices, you can listen to me talk…or more accurately, read my words, or laugh at the jokes, memes and cartoons.  Which would you rather do?  Everyone who would like to laugh at the jokes, memes and cartoons raise your hands…okay, counting…counting…counting…   Alright, now, everyone who would like to read my words, raise your hands … [sounds of crickets chirping] … no one?  Okay then.  

My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant.

When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.

“As an environmentalist,” she declared, “I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils.”

The waiter inspected her chopsticks.

“Very beautiful,” he said politely. “Ivory.”

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.  

The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals.

She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “hi, I’m a zebra! What are you?”

“I’m a cow.”

“Right, right.  What do you do?”

“I make milk for the farmer.”

“Cool.”  

The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it.  “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?”

“I’m a chicken.”

“Oh, right.  What do you do?”

“I make eggs for the farmer.”

“Right, great, see ya round.”  

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes.  

She ran over to it and said, “hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?”

“I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.

“Wow,” said the zebra.  “What do you do?”

“Take off your fancy pajamas, darling, and I’ll show you.”

In England
___________

A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win £1,000,000.

If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the £32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the one million pound question was no pushover.

It was: “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it,

A) the robin;
B) the starling;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the sparrow?”

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.

All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it.

Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.

She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The friend responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.”

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Chris Tarrant any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

On the other hand, the blonde friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. “I need an answer,” said Chris.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked Tarrant. “Yes, that is my final answer.”

Seconds later, Chris Tarrant said, “I regret to inform you that that answer is … absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!!”

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde friend who had helped her win the million dollars.

“Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something?

It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that persuaded me to go with your choice. By the way,how did you happen to know the right answer?”

“Oh, come on,” her blonde friend said. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks!”

Dear Impish, I have a question that only  you can help me with…

If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you’ll never end up with a nag.

Zig Ziglar (1926-2012)

Massachusetts Law

Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

Our dog, Rex, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a.m.

Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard forwhat might have disturbed this otherwise placid animal.

For three days he found nothing amiss.

Then the dog woke up the neighborhood at 3 a.m. with frantic barking.

When Larry looked out the window, he discovered someone throwing pebbles to land near Rex.

Larry hurried outside and found the culprit.

Crouching on the other side of the fence was our quiet neighbour, the last man you’d suspect of wrongdoing.

My husband demanded to know what he was doing.

“My mother-in-law is visiting,” the embarrassed neighbour explained. “If she loses her beauty sleep another night, she says she’ll leave.”

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

“Darn it woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”

Not many people know that Edison was a avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations.

During one such trip to the west he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay.

On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. 

To make things worse it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes.

As a thank-you gift for their kindnesses, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians privvy. He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.

Yes…yes we do.

If you are interested in those vintage lunchboxes, contact me and I’ll sell you half a dozen at that price.  Just imagine!  It’s like buy one get five free!

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on. 

Anon

Q. What’s worse than a redhead and a brunette trying to build a house under water? 

A. A blonde trying to set it on fire 

WOW!  Just…Wow!

And that’s exactly where I ran out of time.  Until Saturday my friends.