Busy week this week.  Starting a new Bible study group tonight (Tuesday) that runs for 9 weeks.  Had a meeting last night for SAPC (Substance Abuse Prevention Council).  And have Jail ministry tomorrow night.  I think it’s getting closer and closer for time for me to retire so I have more time for all my extracurricular activity.  LOL.  

Izzy Dragon and I have doctor’s appointments today, so I took the day off today and I want to try to get a little bit of Thursday’s issue knocked out or I don’t think I’ll have time to get it done.  So, let’s jump right into the meaty stuff, shall we?

   🙂     A ‘NICE TRY’ JOKE     🙂

 A University Vice-Chancellor was hosting a dinner party for his professor colleagues, and Bob his chauffeur was invited too.

The main course of the meal was to be beef tongue,  his cook’s speciality, which all his professor friends were aware of as they eagerly anticipated a superb meal.

The butler, with pomp and ceremony, brought in the beef tongue on a large silver platter,  but unfortunately, tripped, and the whole meal slid off the platter and fell to the floor.

There was a shocked dead silence in the room. But the quick-thinking host saved the day by saying ………..“It’s O.K. folks, it was simply a Lapsus Linguae !”

His colleagues all roared with laughter, as they knew that Lapsus Linguae is the Latin term for ‘A SLIP OF THE TONGUE’.

Bob was hugely impressed with the way the situation was defused, and decided to host a dinner party himself and try the same trick. Bob invited all the other guests to a dinner, hired a butler and instructed him to slip and drop the meal, the same way as he’d seen before.

Upon the planned drop, he proudly announced to his guests in a loud voice …….“It’s O.K. folks, it was simply a Lapsus Linguae!”

There was a shocked dead silence in the room.

He was serving roast chicken.

This next one was sent in by Lynn.  It is a great bit of protest.  Lynn writes:

A man that kept his boat beside his house was ordered by the city to put up a fence to hide the boat from view.

So, he built the fence and hired someone to paint it. Boom!

And in reference to last issue, our friend Stephen B writes in: I have this hanging up in my den.  (It is not crooked, it is the way I took the picture.)

And don’t’ forget Mr. Sluggo…….”Oh No! He’s going to be mean to me!”

I AGREE!!!!!  Who’s with us??!!

Long lost cousin Eddy.  He’s of mixed blood, but we don’t talk about it.

Me too!

Don’t let a man go alone to pick out an engagement ring. He’ll do something stupid, like pick one he can afford.

A man, in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. 

“Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man said. 

“Aw, Dad, it’s okay,” the son said. “The police car right behind us did the same thing.” 

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. 

They were ready to discuss the last one. 

The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. 

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbour’s wife.” 

Now this is who we need protecting our southern border

I’m going to go along with Joe from NJ and give this one a “Possibly True”.  Some of them I’ve heard before and some not.

Things we Brits say….. 

Going round the Bend…. 
The Victorians built hospitals to house the mentally unsound. At the time, stately homes were built with long straight driveways so that the house could be seen in all its grandeur from the main road. Mental homes however, were placed at the end of long curved drives so that they would remain unseen by passers by. To ‘go round the bend’ has meant to be confined in a mental home ever since. 

Pay Through the Nose…. 
When the Vikings invaded ninth century Britain, they brought with them their violent customs and imposed strict tax laws on the locals. (Aye, and you thought it was a scheme thought up by our current Government) Attention now, any citizen refusing to pay would either have his nostrils slit open or his nose cut off. Only when English king Eldred beat Viking leader Eric Bloodaxe (it’s true, that was his name) in 954 at the battle of Stainmore did the practice stop. However the phrase remained to imply paying dearly for something through 
the nose.   

To The Bitter End…. 
This phrase has come to mean the end of one’s endurance.The “bitt” is a post at a ship’s prow to which the end of an anchor’s cable is fastened. If all the anchor cable has been let out, you have come to the 
bitter end.    

Flogging a Dead Horse…. 
A ceremony held by British crews when they had been at sea four weeks and had worked off their initial advance, usually one month’s wages (and usually long gone). The term ‘flogging a dead horse’ alludes to the difficulty of getting any extra work from a crew during this period, since, to them, it felt as though they were working for nothing. 

It’s Raining Cats and Dogs…. 
Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw pilede high. It was the only place for animals to get warm,so all the pets, dogs, cats and other small aminals, mice rats, bugs, lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.    Burning a Candle at Both Ends…. Once upon a time the only light in a house was provided by the taper. This was kept alight usually on a holder beside the fire.. It provided a small amount of light. If a special vistors came and more light was demanded then the taper was lit both ends.   

That’s a Turn Up for the Book….. 
“Turn up for the book” is when no one has backed the winner and the bookmaker has a clear book.    

The Full NineYards…. 
“The Full NineYards” which I believe (despite all sorts of alternatives) is the length of the ammunition belt used in the standard ammunition container of the machine gun but I don’t know if it was the Vickers or the Maxim. Hence going `The Full Nine Yards” means emptying a whole belt of ammunition at a target – giving as much as you possibly could.    

The Full Monty…. 
A breakfast at The Dobbins Inn in Carrickfergus  comprising of anything that wandered through the kitchen whilst the cook had the frying pan on the hob, the origin is believed to be from Montague Burton, a British tailor, and refers to when a customer would buy himself a new outfit from head to toe including everything seen and unseen.    

Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey…. 
Every sailing ship had to have cannon for protection. Cannon of the times used round iron cannonballs. The master wanted to store the cannon balls such that they could be of instant use when needed, yet not roll around the gun deck. The solution was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid next to the cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had four, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs. The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out from under the weight of the higher levels. To do this, they devised a small brass plate (“brass monkey”) with one rounded indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer. Brass was used because the cannonballs wouldn’t rust to the “brass monkey”, but would have rusted to an iron one. When temperature falls, brass contracts in size faster than iron. As it got cold on the gundecks, the indentations in the brass monkey would get smaller than the iron cannonballs they were holding. If the temperature got cold enough, the bottom layer would pop out of the indentations spilling the entire pyramid over the deck. Thus it was, quite literally, “cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.”    

The Clink …. 
This word for a prison referes not to the sound of rattling chains, but to the name of a prison in an area of 13th century London known as, The Liberty of Clink.  Just south of the Thames, the prison lay outside London jurisdiction and so was notorious for brutal punishment ( unlike the namby-pamby sentences of today) Owned by the Bishop of Winchester ( note how the clergy are in there earning a fast buck) inmates at The Clink could expect to be burned with boiling oil, forced to stand in cold water until their feet rotted, or crushed under weights. ( Such was the quality of mercy shown by the religious bodies of the time.) Payment to the church coffers could free you however, so those rich enough to buy favour made the bishop rich, that is until rioters destroyed the prison in 1780. (Come to think of it, if it was financially rewarding to surpress the masses, the Church always led the way. )    

Keep your nose to the grindstone…. 
Concentrate on working hard. In Victorian England, there were many knife grinder’s workshops. Workers lay flat on their fronts and held the blades against grindstones.    

Keep your pecker up…. Remain cheerful. This is the English pecker, i.e. mouth, as opposed to the 
American, i.e. penis.    

Keep your powder dry…. Be prepared. The allusion is to gunpowder which soldiers had to keep dry in order to be ready to fight when required.    

Kick the bucket …. 
Die. The wooden frame that slaughtered animals were hung from is known as a bucket. The death spasms of the animals caused them to kick the bucket.    

Know the ropes…. 
To understand how an organisation works. Nautical origin, where sailors had to learn which rope raised which sail. 
Interesting….innit?  

Indiana French Lick Springs, Law

Passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.

Speaking of laws: We are talking about little Bible belt, northern Indiana counties.  This happened where I live.  We recently had a little campground, very family oriented with a nice pool and a great frisbee golf course, that we actually held a couple of dart tournaments at.  We built some travel boards, set them up outside on the patio by the pool and held a couple of charity events.  Anyway, a couple of my friends, my dart family, I love them like family (you guys are still my favorites, though) used to go there every year.  Lots of little kids running around, always loud and noisy and family and fun.  You know what I mean.

Anyway, the owners sold the campground, I don’t know why, to another owner(s) who decided that they were going to be LGB (so called) T (whatever other initials they are using now) friendly.  That doesn’t go over very well around here, but most people are also understanding and welcoming and keep it to yourself and all is well, right?

Well, that wasn’t good enough.  

Then they decided to go clothing optional.

As you can well imagine, people were a bit upset.

So, at the last county commissioners meeting, they were considering a bill to somehow limit what the campground could do.  Such as limiting the nudity to the pool area IF they put up a fence at least 8 feet high but no more than 11 feet (or something like that) and that everyone had to be fully clothed going to and from.  They also allowed comments from the public, which they normally do for these meetings, but to which normally there aren’t many people who attend.

This time was quite different.

Standing room only, many of our church members were there, as well as many church members from other local churches.  I was in jail that night. 

The commissioners debating the bill and tried to narrow down the restrictions and be as fair as they could and one commissioner fighting back and responding to the crowd that “if you don’t want to see the nudity, don’t go out there” and the crowd got to make statements and got rowdier and angrier and they finally closed off that topic saying they would discuss it further.  In other words, not reaching a decision.  

Most of the crowd left at that point.  

When the commissioners came back after a short break, one of them made a motion to just cut to the chase.  “I make a motion to outlaw nudity in our county completely.”

It was seconded, voted on, and passed with only the one person casting a “nay” vote.  It was all over and done with in about 30 seconds.  All because one of them was just sick of it all.

It is really going to annoy the one bar in the county who was doing the topless dancing and the other one (right outside the base, of course) that is quite a bit raunchy.

Sometimes it’s nice to live in a little town.  Things can get done really quickly.

A prominent young attorney is on his way to court when he gets hit by a bus.

Suddenly he’s at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He protests.

” This is a mistake! I’m much too young to die! I’m only 35!” 

St. Peter replies, “Gee, that’s funny. Based on the number of hours you’ve billed to clients we thought you had to be at least 107.”

I WANT ONE!!!!!

Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something. 

– last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)

And they even look better

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. 

All she told me was, “the man goes on top and the woman underneath.” 

For three years my wife and I slept on bunk beds.

When my friend first posted this, I said I don’t know what it means, but I’m resonating with #7.  Then someone else asked what kind of a feeling are you getting from #9?  I replied, I don’t know about a feeling, but I just keep hearing Izzy screaming in a high, squeaky voice, “Eeeek!  Spider!”

Kentucky Law 

“No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club.” 

An amendment to the above legislation: “The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses. 

Wow!  Just…wow!

That is hilarious! 

That would have been about 2 years before I started driving.

Some of us at Dragon Laffs still do.

And the Presidential Edict to change Title 9 goes a long way to force this down our throats.  More governors need to stand up and say, “We will not comply.”

Amen and Amen!  It no longer surprises me when I hear of someone with a job that pays around $200k a year is a multimillionaire in two years.  

Aliens are going to be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

Definitive proof of Global Warming and how the polar ice caps are melting and the oceans are rising… um…. right?   Yeah, no.  Not so much you idiots.  Does anyone really think that this planet is not going to last just as long as God wants it to last?

New Survivor Series: 16 politicians teaching in a title 1 school and living on a teachers salary.

Boy!  I’d sign back up for cable just to watch that show!

That one really cracked me up.  

Yeah, except he’s not.  The correct answer should be, “Make YOU pay for their loans.”

Okay, I’ve had enough of this.  Let’s move on to more funny stuff.

My brother Tom was home on leave from his post in Hawaii, when he announced that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander. 

We were all pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about military rankings asked Tom to explain what the promotion meant. 

After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and said, “Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, and now I’m Frank Burns.” 

Well, the duck is new.

Karma train huh?  Just looks like my normal ride.

“So, Alan, how’s it going with the ladies?” 

“Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects.” 

“Really?” 

“Yep, whenever I mention sex, they object.” 

He may have a rope around his neck, but I think the monkey is in charge.

Ten ways to realize your Internet connection is a little slow 

Text on Web pages display as Morse Code and… Graphics arrive via FedEx. 

You believe a heavier string might improve your throughput

You post a message to your favorite Newsgroup and it displays a week later. 

Your credit card expires while ordering on-line. 

Playboy web site exhibits “Playmate of the year”…     for 1989. 

You’re still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, “Ping Pong”. 

Everyone you talk to on the ‘net phone’ sounds like Forrest Gump. 

You receive e-mails with stamps on them. 

You click the “Send” button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out. 

And for those that are completely clueless out there, what they are talking about is……. (I need trumpets and flourishes)

It’s really just another excuse to play that fantastic song and video!!!  I’ll bet over the years I’ve posted that 100 times.  LOL!

A Texan friend of mine was on a business trip in China, browsing through a department store in Beijing when a staff member approached him. 

“Excuse me, sir, are you American?” 

“Why yes, yes I am.” 

“What state are you from?” 

“Texas,” my friend proudly exclaimed. 

Disappointed, the clerk said, “Oh, I’m sorry.  I was hoping to find someone to help me with my English.” 

How do you spell moron?

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day.  As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. 

The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds’ legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.  The student looked at each of the birds’ legs.  They all looked the same to him.  He began to get upset.  He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs.  The more he thought about it the madder he got. 

Finally, he could stand it no longer. 

He went up to the professor’s desk and said, “What a stupid test!  How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?” 

With that the student threw his test on the professor’s desk and walked to the door.  The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn’t know every student’s name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, “Mister, what’s your name!” 

The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, “You guess, buddy!  You guess!” 

Don’t marry for money. It’s cheaper to borrow.

Scottish Proverb

Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear From A Management Consultant

10. You’re right; we’re billing way too much for this.

9.  Bet you I can go a week without saying “synergy” or “value-added”.

8.  How about paying us based on the success of the project?

7.  This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.

6   Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.

5.  I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.

4.  Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.

3.  I can’t take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.

2.  The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.

1.  Everything looks okay to me.

Maine, Portland Law

It is illegal for men to tickle women under the chin with feather dusters.

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. 

Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!” 

“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. 

A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?” 

The clerk replies, “Canned or frozen?” 

I guess that ought to do it for today my friends.  I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.  So, until we meet again.  May God Bless you and keep you.