So, it’s Saturday and I’ve been busting my butt already all day.  Now, I’m supposed to be going out, waiting on the Whelpling to come over and show me his new motorcycle, and have a bunch of other stuff to do. 

But what I WANT to do is just sit here and talk with you guys.

We had a really good Men’s Breakfast over at the Church this morning and I’m really feeling the urge to write again.  Not just here, but really write, stretch my literary arms, as it were.  Write something meaningful and worthy.  I have a couple of good topics in mind that I’d like to explore.

But, I was up late last night, past 0100 and then got up at 0600 this morning, so right now I’m absolutely knackered.  I thought the weekend was supposed to be a time to relax, sleep in, …

I think I’m missing out on something.

Anyway, let’s get started on the laughter and we’ll pipe in with some other stuff as we go along.

The Ultimate Project Management Team – Project “Birth”:

1. Project Manager – is a Person who thinks 9 women can deliver a baby in 1 month…

2. Developer –  is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby…

3. On site Coordinator – is one who thinks a single woman can deliver 9 babies in one month…

4. Client – is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby…

5. Marketing Manager – is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available…

6. Resource Optimization Team – thinks they don’t need a man or woman; they’ll produce a child from scratch…

7. Documentation Team – thinks they don’t care whether the child is delivered, they’ll just document 9 months…

8. Quality Auditor – is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS…

One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl, “What’s the difference between a rooster and a hen?”

“The hen lays eggs.” replied the little girl. “Very good!” said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, “What’s the difference between a duck and a turkey?”

“Well,” replied the little girl. “Turkeys can’t swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day.”

“Very good!” exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, “Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?”

“Yes, I do” replied little Johnny from the city. “Bulls smile when you milk them.”

My penis made me locally famous. I didn’t find out about it until I got to University. Before then my experience of women was non- existent. I’d been at a boys’ school, and anyway I was pretty spotty.  I couldn’t believe when, all of a sudden, at the Fresher’s Ball, I was snugging. I was even more amazed when we were in her room. We were both wasted. I didn’t have a clue how to behave, I was terrified, but she knew what to do and in no time we were naked, in bed. She was kissing my mouth. My neck. My chest, my stomach, my…. — She stopped. 

“Oh my goodness!” she said, incredulous, “Your cock tastes just like CHOCOLATE!” 

Melanie (her name) wasn’t a shy girl. She must have told her friend Suzy. I realized this the next day when a very attractive girl, with hip clothes and trainers, approached me in the Union Bar and just started chatting. 

This had NEVER happened to me before. She asked me if I wanted to hear a new CD she’d bought, and then we were in her room. 

Halfway through the second track we were naked. She’d hardly even kissed me before her face disappeared under the duvet. 

“It does!” she exclaimed suddenly. “It bloody well DOES!!” 

Two weeks into University I was still a virgin.  I had, however, received twenty three blowjobs from twelve different girls and heard words such as ‘incredible’, ‘amazing’, ‘Bournville’, ‘Swiss’ and ‘Belgian’ exclaimed by mops of hair beneath my bedclothes. I had also been requested to immerse myself in a glass of milk and move vigorously to see if any of the flavor rubbed off.  It didn’t. 

I went to the Doctor. She didn’t believe me. Nor did she try it out, which I thought shockingly unscientific. But she did see the state I was in and gave me a salve. 

Okay, so I’ll admit it. For the first year it was great. I could have loads of women, any time I wanted. I got cunning and made them sleep with me first. I got fussy. All the guys on campus were jealous.  People who didn’t know me looked wide eyed to see one or more stunning girls on the arm of a spotty, pale youth, with lank dark hair and glasses. “What’s he got?”, they seemed to ask themselves. 

But when the second year came I got really tired of it. There was a whole new year of girls who wanted to try me out. I felt like an object. A specimen. And there was something missing from my life, a yearning. I tried to have conversations with girls, in the coffee bar say, but all the time their eyes would be flicking to my crotch.  

Their tongues would run over their lips, their eyes would glaze over.  I would make a hasty excuse and leave. It was about this time I began to get really upset about it. Everyone had started calling me Hob Nob. 

When I say “everyone”, it’s not quite true: Some people called me Willy Wonka. 

Hey, it is NOT funny! I was a person! I was more than a sexual organ that just happened to be flavored like confectionery. Everyone stared at me. All the girls laughed when they saw me. I overheard them talking about me. About it! I think I had a bit of a breakdown, I couldn’t take it. All through my third year I stayed in. I saw no one. 

I had given up on my little University world. Everyone knew everything.  Because I didn’t have anything to do I studied all the time. I got a First and went to New York, Columbia, for a Masters. I took a deep breath of fresh air.  Fantastic! 

It was great! Nobody knew me! If it hadn’t been for the lousy beer it would have been perfect. I met Laurie a few months later and we started to go out.  I’d seen her around in the cafeteria on campus, but it was only when I heard her give a paper on radical feminism that I really noticed her. She wrote about the politics of oral sex. She stood at the lectern in black jeans, white tee shirt, her hair tied back severely, her little fists clenching to emphasize a point. 

“Oral sex”, she had concluded, “is degrading. The worship of the phallus only serves to enforce the enslavement of women. No woman should ever do it, and I certainly won’t do it ever again. Ever. Thank you.” 

She stepped down from the platform to rapturous applause from a room mainly filled by women. I was enraptured, entranced. I had to get to know her. 

Well, eventually we got it together. Having no chocolate penis to rely on, I had to be myself and for a long time she wasn’t interested. But then it all happened.  Nights discussing politics, poetry, walks in the park, old Cocteau movies.  Love, smooth and slow, calm as an angel. About a year after we met, she was lying in my bed, naked, her black hair blooming like an impossible rose against my sheets, her flawless skin almost as white as they were. I was so happy. I started to kiss her, to cover her with kisses. I wanted to adore her, to make her feel better than anything; sighs escaped her like wind from a wood across a wheat field… 

“No!” she said. 

She took me by the scruff of the neck. “Not there!” 

I stopped. 

“Why not?”, I asked. 

“I knew it”, she said firmly. “I won’t do it to you in return. I won’t. Not…” 

“I know,” I assured her. “I *want* to do it to you. But I don’t want you to do it to me, ever.” 

“You will”, she said, “You will! I knew this would happen…” 

I didn’t listen to her. I knew. There was no way I’d let her even if she wanted to.  Never.  I covered the insides of her thighs with my face and rested my hands on the tops of her legs. I pushed them part slightly. She resisted a little but then she opened her legs wider and I — 

I lifted my head up. 

“Guinness!” I cried, “Guinness!!” 

A picture of the perfect girl-next-door?

Yeah, funny how that works out.
Funny how it’s also a DEMAND.

Jacob, a Russian Jew, was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel. At Moscow airport, a customs inspector found a statue of Lenin in his luggage and asked, “What is this?”
“Wrong question, comrade” replied Jacob. “You should have asked, who is this? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of Socialism and created future prosperity for the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our great hero.”

The Russian customs official sent him on his way.

At Tel Aviv airport, an Israeli customs official asked Jacob, “What is this?” “Wrong question, sir. You should be asking who is this? This, my friend, is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia in shame. I take this statue as a reminder to curse him every day.”

The Israeli official sent him on his way.

In his new home in Tel Aviv, Jacob placed the statue on a table. The following evening, he invited friends and relatives to dinner.
Spotting the statue, one of his cousins asked, “Who is this?”

“Wrong question. You should have asked, what is this? This is five kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me from Russia without having to pay any customs duty or tax.”

The Moral:

“Politics is when you can tell the same garbage in different ways to fool different people and still come out smelling like a rose.

Living in the Midwest

August 12 
Moved to our new home in Michigan. It is so wonderful here; Lake Michigan is magnificent. Can hardly wait to see snow on the trees.

October 14 
Michigan is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning shades of red and orange. Went for a drive through the forest near Lake Michigan and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly, they are the most wonderful animals on earth. Saw the sunset over the lake. This must be paradise. I love it here.

November 11 
Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here more each day!

December 1 
5:00 PM. It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we’ve seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the snow flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was soooo beautiful!

December 2 
Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looked like a perfect picture postcard. We went outside and had a snowball fight (I won). Later, I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again. What a beautiful place. I love Michigan.

December 8 
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.

December 12 
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought studded snow tires for the car. Fell on my ass in the driveway, shoveling after the snowplow came 
through (for the third time that day). $145.00 to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

December 13 
More snow fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow-plow hides around the curve and waits until I’m done shoveling the driveway. Asshole!

December 25 
Merry Christmas. More snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow-plow, I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the damn ice.

December 27 
More snow fell last night. Been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow-plow goes through every time. Can’t go anywhere, car’s stuck in a mountain of white. The weatherman says to expect another 10″ snow again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10″ is?

December 28 
The weatherman had his head up his ass – we got 24″ of snow this time. At this rate, it won’t melt before the summer. The snow-plow got stuck in the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. 
After I told him I had broken six shovels already, shoveling all the snow he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his head. I couldn’t find my ice ax to finish him off – it was buried under a snowdrift!

December 29 
2 degrees outside. More snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. On the away home from the emergency room, I slid on the ice trying to miss a deer and almost put the car in Lake Michigan. Totaled the car anyway against an iceberg – yes, an iceberg in Lake Michigan shoreline! I should have hit the damn deer and taken my chances. Those damn beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them ALL last November.

January 4 
Damn snow it keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the mailbox. Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in. Tried to take a piss outside and ended up with a dicksicle.

January 7 
Sixteen more inches of snow, sleet, ice and who knows what else fell last night. I wounded the snowplow driver with the ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won’t start. I think I’m going snow blind. I can’t move my toes. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More now predicted. Wind chill MINUS 22 degrees.

January 8 
Moved back to Arizona. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God-forsaken state of Michigan.

Reply Living in the Midwest

August 12 
Moved to our new home in Michigan. It is so wonderful here; Lake Michigan is magnificent. Can hardly wait to see snow on the trees.

October 14 
Michigan is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning shades of red and orange. Went for a drive through the forest near Lake Michigan and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly, they are the most wonderful animals on earth. Saw the sunset over the lake. This must be paradise. I love it here.

November 11 
Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here more each day!

December 1 
5:00 PM. It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we’ve seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the snow flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was soooo beautiful!

December 2 
Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looked like a perfect picture postcard. We went outside and had a snowball fight (I won). Later, I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again. What a beautiful place. I love Michigan.

December 8 
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.

December 12 
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought studded snow tires for the car. Fell on my ass in the driveway, shoveling after the snowplow came 
through (for the third time that day). $145.00 to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

December 13 
More snow fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow-plow hides around the curve and waits until I’m done shoveling the driveway. Asshole!

December 25 
Merry Christmas. More snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow-plow, I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the damn ice.

December 27 
More snow fell last night. Been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow-plow goes through every time. Can’t go anywhere, car’s stuck in a mountain of white. The weatherman says to expect another 10″ snow again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10″ is?

December 28 
The weatherman had his head up his ass – we got 24″ of snow this time. At this rate, it won’t melt before the summer. The snow-plow got stuck in the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. 
After I told him I had broken six shovels already, shoveling all the snow he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his head. I couldn’t find my ice ax to finish him off – it was buried under a snowdrift!

December 29 
2 degrees outside. More snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. On the away home from the emergency room, I slid on the ice trying to miss a deer and almost put the car in Lake Michigan. Totaled the car anyway against an iceberg – yes, an iceberg in Lake Michigan shoreline! I should have hit the damn deer and taken my chances. Those damn beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them ALL last November.

January 4 
Damn snow it keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the mailbox. Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in. Tried to take a piss outside and ended up with a dicksicle.

January 7 
Sixteen more inches of snow, sleet, ice and who knows what else fell last night. I wounded the snowplow driver with the ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won’t start. I think I’m going snow blind. I can’t move my toes. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More now predicted. Wind chill MINUS 22 degrees.

January 8 
Moved back to Arizona. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God-forsaken state of Michigan.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. 
I’ll let you know.. 

People say they pick their nose. 
But I feel I was just born with mine.

My friend accused me of stealing his thesaurus. 
Not only was I shocked..I was appalled, aghast, and dismayed. 

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? 
Prime mates. 

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines, 
But catscan. 

My roommate asked if I had seen the dog bowl. 
I said, “I never knew he did!” 

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. 
I don’t know “y”. 

We live in a society where …
Pizza gets to your house before the police. 

What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? 
Well, the flag is a big plus. 

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, 
Why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator? 

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. 
We’ll see about that. 

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight …
Live longer than the men who mention it. 

Team work is important; 
It helps to put the blame on someone else. 

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. 

There’s a gang going through cities systematically shoplifting clothes in size order. 
The police said they are still at large. 

Napoleon may not have designed his own coat, 
But he DID have a hand in it. 

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. 
I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending. 

A widow asks a man if he can say a word at her husband’s funeral. 
He agrees and walks up to podium and says “plethora”. 
As he is leaving she says gratefully, “Thank you, that means a lot.” 

What did the elephant say to the naked man? 
“How do you breathe through that tiny thing?” 

I was kidnapped by mimes. 
They did unspeakable things to me. 

I just found out that I’m color blind. 
The news came completely out of the green! 

A cheese factory exploded in France. 
There was nothing left but de Brie! 

The most popular guy at the nudist colony …
Is the one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts. 

What does C.S. Lewis keep in his wardrobe? 
Narnia business.! 

It’s a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. 
But it’s a 35-min walk from the pub to my house. 
The difference is staggering.

Cause it’s cool

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

– Plato (427-347 B.C.)

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott in June 1849.

Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott.

Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.

Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not. Butt do I care ?

There is a pier in San Francisco upon which sits a large statue of gorilla named Dotty who lived at the SF zoo for many years. 

Dotty is not relevant to the story, except that she was loved by all who knew her.  

Any way, every year there was a festival held on the pier at which one could buy all manner of fried foods and see some local San Franners doing comedy skits and the like. 

Since the comedy was pretty bad but the food was pretty good, it quickly became tradition to hit all the food stands hard and fast then melt away before being exposed to too much bad comedy.

 Naturally, this annual event became known as the Gorilla Wharf Fair. 

I have done this.

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.

When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”

Absolutely!  In a New York Minute!!!

It worked for me as all three of those for many years.

Paddy is in court, and after an 8 hour trial he pleads guilty. 

The judge says, “Why didn’t you plead guilty at first and save the court all this time?” 

Paddy says, “I thought I was innocent until I heard all the evidence.”

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. 

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual ‘dumb blonde’ jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blond jokes ! What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It’s people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!  You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!” 

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde interrupts yelling, “You stay out of this……I’m talking to that little a**hole on your lap!”

Especially if you tell her how much she just LOVED it!

Since yesterday was Mother’s Day and since I got a couple of Mother’s Day cartoons and just because I don’t want to celebrate the day doesn’t mean I’m not going to send along some funnies for the rest of you guys and wish the wonderful mothers out there a belated very special and happy day.

To all the husbands out there, Mother’s Day is May 12th.  Make sure your wife gets all the housework and yard work done by May 11th so she can enjoy her special day.

They made people watch their loved ones die alone on FaceTime.

NO DEALS

My dad wouldn’t have gotten it.  He was a lineman and retired from Jersey Central Power & Light Co.

Come on guys, you can figure that one out.

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner…

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

That is such an interesting picture in so many ways.

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver. 

Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band, but left because it was just one ting after another.

Do they fry Popeye’s Chicken in Olive Oil?

The word queue is ironic. 

It’s just q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line

If a cookie falls on the floor and you pick it up…

that’s a squat, right?

My friend David lost is ID.

Now he is Dav.

I feel bad for kids today with all their electronic gadgets; They’ll never know the simple joy of throwing rocks at each other.

Don’t think of yourself as a meme thief. 

The official title is Social Media Redistribution agent.

And that’s it my friends.  Until Thursday.