Yeah, I know, it’s a weird header.  My mind was wondering and I was on the phone with a couple of different people while I was working on it and that’s what ended up coming out.  It started out being cute with the two dragons and as I talked with the people the graffiti popped up subconsciously because I was feeling unwanted and put-upon I think. 

LOL!  Self-analyzing a header.  Ain’t that sumpin’ .  Anyway, It’s been a strange day already today.  Things are moving in a weird direction for me, so I want to just jump right into the fun stuff and try and get my mind off the weird stuff.  How does that sound to you guys?

Sherlock Holmes’s sister, Ella, was a bit confused–not that she suffered from dementia or anything–she simply was a bit “blonde.”

She was always getting her two twins confused, even though they were fraternal, not identical, and everyone else could easily tell Patricia from Theresa.

One day Sherlock’s sister invited the great detective and his assistant to a piano recital that Patsy was to give the following evening.

When she left, Sherlock’s assistant said, rather bewilderedly, to Sherlock, “I didn’t know Patsy was studying the piano.”

To which Holmes replied, “Ella meant Terry, my dear Watson.”

One thing Larry says about his wife, she’s a very neat housekeeper.

If he drops his socks on the floor, she picks them up. 

If he throws his clothes around, she hangs them up. 

Larry got up at three o’clock the other morning and went in the kitchen to get a glass of orange juice. 

He came back and found the bed made. 

My mom was that way.  It was ridiculous.  She cleaned the house from top to bottom every single day.  Dusting, vacuuming, I mean everything.  To the point of moving the couch out of the way and vacuuming under it … every … day.  Well, every day until the alcohol took over.  When I came home on leave for the first time, I found myself smoking a LOT more than I was used to because I had no idea how much I WAS smoking because every single time I put a cigarette out in the ashtray she would jump up, take the ashtray into the kitchen and empty it into the garbage can.  How do YOU spell OCD?

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. 

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why. 

The mother told her son,  “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.”

Satisfied with the answer, the boy left to play in the ocean, but returned to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “pee-pees” than his dad. 

His mother explained, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.” 

Again, satisfied with the answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again, promptly informing his mother,  “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks,  the dumber he gets!” 

Yeah, that’s why I just throw the loose items in the cart.  Let the cashier work it out.

 

 

 

Just some random video clips from my last vacation.

The top ten reasons God made women

10.  God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn’t ask for directions.
9.  God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don’t want to see what’s ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8.  God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s appointment.
7.  God knew that when Adam’s fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.
6.  God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5.  God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
4.  As “keeper of the garden,” Adam would need help in finding his tools.
3.  Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.  (It really was Adam’s fault)
2.  As the Bible says: “It is not good for man to be alone.”
And the No. 1 reason of all . . .
1.  God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: “I can do better than that”

This one was a little further down in the reel above, so if you didn’t scroll like I normally do you would have missed it and it’s GREAT!  Although I think it’s a set up, otherwise, how could the camera have been in just the right spot, but still…

Yup, True statement

I just got skylights put in my place. 

The people who live above me are furious. 

See!  This!  This, right here!  This is why I don’t do plumbing!

And suddenly, there were drums?  How does that make any sense at all?

It will only work once

Maryland Law

Every person who has bowled since 1833 may be fined $2  for each offense. I don’t know…that seems a tad excessive to me.

I just HAVE to wonder how many will get that one.

Yeah, I get it, just about all of my doctors are now younger than I am.

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. “You see,” he explained, “my wife`s expecting.” 

“Oh…” said the Officer, “I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck.” 

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: “My wife`s expecting.” 

The Officer looked surprised. “Still expecting?” he said, “Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off.” 

When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. “Don`t tell me your wife is still expecting!” he bellowed. 

“Yes sir!” said the soldier resolutely, “She`s still expecting.” 

“What in heaven is she expecting?” cried the Officer. 

“Me.” said the soldier simply. 

In case you can’t read it:

ORIGINS OF US STATE NAMES
Red is Name of a Monarch or Person
Green is Derived from Native American Name
Blue is Derived from European Words
Yellow is Derived from Names of Other Places
Blue/Green is European modification of native names
Gray is unknown
Purple is Possibly Invented

I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on our first date the other evening. 

We had dinner at a very nice restaurant and went to a stage show afterwards. 

We were getting along fabulously and as the time came to part I drove her to her house and walked her to her front door.

Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company, saying she was so beautiful she reminded me of a wild rambling rose. She thanked me for the compliment and we parted, but not before we arranged to see each other the following evening. 

I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged, walked to and knocked on her front door. She came to the door, opened it and punched me right in the mouth. 

Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her what had caused her to do that? 

She replied, “After you dropped me home last night I was very flattered by the compliment you gave me and looked up wild rambling rose in my encyclopedia. 

It said that they did not perform well in bed but when tied to a fence or wall, rooted very well.”

Here we go again…I still think that for Indiana, Gnaw Bone or Tin Cup is so much odder than Santa Claus.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER

1. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string. 

2. You check out their address, and it’s a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler. 

3. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods. 

4. Their proud boast: “We’ve been on the Internet since it was CB radio.” 

5. Their promo materials use the words “information” and “superhighway” in the same sentence. 

6. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks “Would you like fries with that?” 

7. “As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports.”

8. “Access speeds up to 9,600 BPS in most areas.” 

9. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners. 

10. They charge by the word. 

Faith doesn’t always take you out of the problem,
Faith takes you through the problem.
Faith doesn’t always take away the pain, 
Faith gives you the ability to handle the pain.
Faith doesn’t always take you out of the storm,
Faith calms you in the midst of the storm.

Amen

Our three-year-old daughter, Abby, was having trouble sleeping through the night, waking up because she was afraid. Each time as I re-tucked her into bed, I would remind her that Jesus was with her and he would keep her safe. 

The sleepless nights continued, with Abby seeking comfort in our bedroom. Finally, one night, I asked her if she had prayed for Jesus to take her fear away and help her fall asleep. 

“Oh, yes,” she assured me. “He told me to come and get you!” 

What in hotdog central is that thing?

Can you believe that someone would believe such complete and utter moronic nonsense?  First of all, you can simply look at it and see that it would never fit in a normal…or even abnormal syringe and second, you can plainly see, it’s a valve out of a tire valve stem!!!!  Please people, if you’re going to lie, at LEAST TRY to make it believable!!!!

These are really starting to get out of hand!

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, “How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?”

“No,” replied the nervous immigrant.

“Did ya hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill ya?”

“No.”

“Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?”

 “No.”

“Then why in God’s name did ya think she’s gonna kill ya?” asked the exasperated police officer.

“Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!”

He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and  said, “What’s so funny? Can’t you see the label on bottle says ‘Polish Remover’?”

Sam Gold made an appointment with a urologist, famous for his work in the field of impotence.

The doctor examined him and said, “You’re in remarkably good condition for a man of 85. Why are you here?”

Sam replied, “My friend Max says he has sex twice a week. I can’t do that.”

The doctor shrugged. “Yes you can. You can certainly say you have sex as many times a week as you like.”

And yet another example of why this dragon does NOT plumb.

I love the clips with this lady hearing the jokes!

As any good house should be

And this next one is absolutely wonderful!  The perfect dragon rant, but I didn’t write it!

ARE YOU “GOING GREEN”

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained,
“We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”
The young clerk responded, That’s our problem today. 
Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”
 

She was right — our generation didn’t have the ‘green thing’ in our day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles, and beer bottles to the store. 
The store sent them back to the plant to be washed, sterilized, and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.
So they really were recycled.
 

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable, besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. 
This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. 
Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown bag.
 

But we didn’t do the “green thing” back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. 
We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
 

But she was right.  We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throwaway kind. 
We dried clothes on a line — not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. 
Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
 

But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. 
And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of  Montana. 
In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. 
When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. 
Back then we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn.  We used a push mower that ran on human power.
We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
 

But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then. 

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. 
We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
 

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

Back then people took the streetcar, or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing.” 
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. 
And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space to find the nearest burger joint.
 

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

 

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person…

We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off . . . especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.  Or reading an analog clock or driving a stick shift or….

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way.

The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, “My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules — make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way.

See, I can never get past 3 or maybe 4

A woman goes to the local psychic in the hope of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. 

Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?” 

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?” 

“Yes, granddaughter, it’s me.” 

“It’s really, really you, Grandmother?” the woman repeats.

“Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter.” 

The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure it’s you, Grandmother?”

“Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me.” 

The woman pauses a moment and says, “Grandmother, I have just one question for you.” 

“Anything, my child.” 

“Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?” 

See, and that’s why we need adults to be in charge.

George telephoned the FBI and got a special agent on the line.

“What can I do for you, sir,” asked the Fed.

“I’ve been getting threatening letters in the mail,” said George. “That’s against the law, isn’t it?”

“It certainly is,” said the government man. “Do you know who’s been writing them?”

“Yeah,” said George. “My girlfriend’s husband.”

Kinda saw that one coming.  It was either gonna be that or the IRS.

And that’s it my friends.  I had a lot of fun with this one.  I hope you had a lot of fun reading it.  Be well, until we meet again.