Well, as I explained on Monday.  I’m sorry that I worried you guys.  I really did send you a message here on DL telling you that I’d be absent for a little while, so again, I’m really sorry.

So, the idea here is to put together an episode for Thursday.  Getting ready for this last week of war, I pushed back all kinds of appointments, some of which are coming due THIS week, so it’s all winding down, but it’s a little busy.  I’ve got a doctor appointment, a dentist appointment and a counselor appointment with Izzy.  Plus the jail ministry on Wednesday night.  So, let’s jump into the fun stuff and see where we go from there, shall we?

So, Leah D. sent this to me…awhile ago now, but it is still really interesting…

We          Are          EVERYWHERE!!!

Coffee isn’t enough today,
I need to be struck by lightning.

Why, oh why is it always Bob that gets picked on?

An American enters a Swiss bank with a giant, heavy sack in each of his hands.  He goes to the teller, brings his face close to the glass and whispers, “I have ten million dollars with me.  I urgently need to open a secret Swiss bank account!”

The Swiss bank teller replies in a normal volume, “Sir, there’s no need to whisper.  Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland.”

Where Did the Phrase “Smart Alec” Come From? 

Well, click it and find out!!!

That is the honest truth!  And … AND if you are in the Midwest AND an Emergency Manager by trade (Impish Dragon) you are also trying to get closer so you can get a better photograph.

Yeah, I got nothing…mostly because I’m falling asleep here.

Okay, so now it’s Tuesday night…a lot have changed in 24 hours.  I have new teeth!  I got the bottoms today.  The partial came in and I’m eating for real for the first time.  Okay, so they pinch like the devil right now, because they are new, but I gots teef!  

I just read this on line and it purports to be a true story, even though I heard a very similar “tall tale” many years ago…

A friend just shared this, Too funny!

MONTANA STATE TROOPER

In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below.

About 3 AM one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana.

He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver’s door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas.

The car’s speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car.

The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled, “PULL OVER!”

The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says troopers don’t have a sense of humor.

Well, having worked for the State Troopers for several years, I know for a fact that most of them have a sense of humor…it’s a really screwy sense of humor, dark, like most cops, but they’ve got one.

You know, sometimes I have that exact same problem.

That one is from Stephanie

I came home and my dog peed a little because he was happy to see me.  None of my friends pee when they see me.  I’m surrounded by fakes.

Hunting and fishing is very popular where I live…

Bank teller:  Your account is overdrawn.

Me:  Well, so are your eyebrows, but here we are.

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV:  “Don’t go in there!  Don’t go in the church, you moron!”

She’s watching our wedding video again.

And that is not even the worst thing that I was forced to do.

Me:  Mom, let me introduce you to my girlfriend.  

Mom:  You couldn’t find anyone better?  

Me:  Leave her alone!  I love her!  

Mom:  Keep quiet!  I’m speaking to her.

Y’all did see that one coming, right?

Dear God, fix me when I’m the problem and protect me when I’m not.

I’m really beginning to like her writing.  I was sent something else by her that hit me pretty hard.  She’s got a nice, tight writing style that I really like.  Nothing like my own, mind you … but I like it.

Did a little mechanics work today.

Put a rear end in a recliner.

That is one BIG lizard!  and I should know.

That is adorable, but they are going to have to scrub that poor baby’s whole body to get rid of that lipstick.  LOL!

My sentiments exactly!  Out of all the truly wonderful people this country has produced, year after year it comes down to two people the PARTY picks for us to choose from.  Two people who, under normal circumstances, you probably wouldn’t be comfortable sharing a meal with.  Oh, how we have fallen so far.  We let our employees control us so badly.  Yes, they are OUR employees.  They are supposed to work for us.  Not the other way around.

And now a $20 minimum wage for food service workers, driving small business owners out of business and the price of eating out through the ROOF.  That’s the problem when none of these people have ever actually lived in reality. 

I’ve ran restaurants and cooked in so many of them around the world that I’ve lost count (you try keeping a family of 4 happy and healthy on an Airman’s salary!  I ALWAYS had a part-time job cooking somewhere, everywhere I was stationed).  You DO NOT get customers in the door and thus increase profits and also thus improve the economy by having to raise prices to cover the cost of being a MORON.  You do it by offering a better product at a better price with better service.  Which is why every restaurant I ever ran made more money after I got there than before.  I could lecture on customer service all day long. 

My little Dragonette is quitting her job at Dollar General because they are idiots.  They treat their employees like garbage.  Their managers aren’t leaders and motivators, heck, they’re not even managers.  They denigrate and harass the employees and do nothing to stand up to the area supervisors who also should be leading and guiding and not doing the exact same thing that the managers are doing.  They have no idea AT ALL how to actually run a convenience store.  Do you have any idea how much money those places could make if they were run the correct way?  If they actually cared about their customers and employees first?  They are way too busy spending dollars to save dimes that they can’t see past their own noses. 

Okay, I can feel my fire rising in my belly.  I will spend the rest of the day ranting on this topic if I don’t move on ….. RIGHT ….. NOW!!!!!

But there is so much more to say… 

I said move on!  NOW! 

Okay….

That one may have belonged better in the Political Section.

This next one was sent in by Leah D.  It’s really kinda cute.  She sent it with the subject line of: Today’s Dating Scene?

My only question is that I really wanted to know which one she picked in the end?

A bit nerdy, but pretty cool technology for those of us who are into this sort of stuff:

Too late.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Franklin P. Jones  (1853-1935)

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, “Honey, are you ready yet?”

Shouting back, the woman replies, “For crying out loud, I’ve been telling you for the last half hour that I’ll be ready in a minute!

Our 13 year old niece spent last night with us.  When we dropped her off at home, my sister-in-law asked how she behaved.  “She was an angel,” I informed her.

“Really?” she questioned.

“Yes, really.  A perfect angel.”  I assured her.

“I just don’t understand.  Whenever she is with you she is well behaved.  Whenever she is at home, she is a monster.  She misbehaves for everyone else.  In fact, the teachers at her school drew straws to see who would be stuck with her in their class.  How come she always behaves for you?”

My sister in law asked. “I don’t know.  I guess I just have a way with children.  I also try to educate them as well.  A child is never too young to learn.”  I answered.

“What do you mean.  What did you teach her?” She inquired.

“Well, for instance, children need to learn about death and dying so they better understand this process.  I explained this concept very carefully to her.”  I informed my sister-in-law.

“Really?  You explained this to her at 13?”  She asked dumbfounded.

“Well actually she was much younger when I explained this.  She now understands death perfectly.  Which is good, because it makes threatening her with it much more effective.”

Wow!  That is SO Wrong!

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT….

– she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
– she thought a quarterback was a refund
– she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order
– she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
– she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
– under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked   On Phonics”
– she tried to drown a fish
– she tripped over a cordless phone
– she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box  because it said  “concentrate”
– she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make  up her mind
– she got stabbed in a shoot-out
– she told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and   “DON’T WALK”
– she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
– if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you’d get change  back
– they had to burn the school down to get her out of third  grade
– she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
– at the bottom of the application where it says “sign   here”.. she put “Sagittarius”
– she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
– it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
– if she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless
– she studied for a blood test – and failed
– she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
– she sold the car for gas money
– when she saw the “NC-17” (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
– when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the  home, she moved
– she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
– when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice  instead
– when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home

Hey, it’ll work!

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.

“After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn’t you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?” the defense attorney prompted.

“Yes,” she replied, “I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him.”

“And when was that?”

“When he asked for his second cup.”

Or… well, you could probably name a bunch of other places also, right?  All of you must admit that the world is falling apart at the seams.

Joe called his doctor’s office for an appointment.

“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”

“But I could be dead by then!”

“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”

This one is outstanding!

And that is it my friends.  I hope you had as much fun reading as I had writing.  Until Saturday…