So, here it is, the night before the publishing deadline and here I am again, starting at the last minute.  My life has been pretty busy lately.  But at least now, it’s been busy in a good way.  I’ve been getting a lot of stuff done. 

As I’m writing this, we are under a tornado watch.  Unless you’ve been under a rock for the past couple of days, you’ve got to have noticed all the tornadoes that have devastated the midwest over the past couple of days.  Well, tonight it’s Indiana’s turn in the barrel.  

So, keep an eye on the news and see if parts of Indiana have been sucked into the air and scattered over other parts of Indiana.  And then if you don’t hear from me, I’ll have hamburger in my pockets, so send in the dogs to look for me.  Okay, I’m done joking about tornadoes, so let’s move on to the real fun stuff, shall we?

WHO IS THIS MAN?

Do you know this man?

How about now?

That is Bob Ross, from the “Joy of Painting” which ran on PBS for 11 years.  

Some interesting facts:  

Bob was in the military for 20 years.

His afro hairstyle was not natural.  When he was a struggling artist he let his hair grow because of lack of funds and then got a perm.  His perm became his identity, or signature, and he never went back to straight hair.

He was never paid for any of the “Joy of Painting” (403) shows,  He wanted to inspire other artists.  (He did make a lot of money from his name appearing on art supplies, etc.)

In the beginning, he had a great relationship with his partners, the Kowalski’s but later it soured.  The Kowalski’s were in it for the money only and Bob was not really interested in the money, but wanted to spread interest in painting.

Bob died at age 52 from lymphoma.

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

As I expected, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting horns and waving like crazy. It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

“What’s going on here?”

“My car has a flat tire,” I said calmly.

“Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?”

I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know. So I told him………

“Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!”

“Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.”

– Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

Some afternoons are so much better than others.

An FBI agent was talking to a bank teller after the bank had been robbed for the third time by the same bandit. “Did you notice anything special about the man?” he asked.

“Yes, he seems to be better dressed each time,” the teller replied.

You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?” asked the judge.

“Yes,” answered Morris the suspect.

“And what did you steal?”

“A dress, Your Honor,” replied Morris.

“One dress?” echoed the judge. “But you admit breaking in four times!”

“Yes, Your Honor,” sighed the suspect. “But three of those times were to return the dress I took before. “

“Return the dress?” echoed the judge. “Why!!??”

“My wife didn’t like the colour.”

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration – that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.

“Gladly,” responded the good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the “appreciation” column. 

There he read: “The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given.” 

She’s a great pickpocket

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, “I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding bottle.”

“OK,” says the clerk. “What do you call it?”

“A fottle, replies the inventor.”

“A fottle? That’s a stupid name! Can’t you think of something else?”

“I can think about it. I’ve got something else though. It’s a folding carton.”

“And what do you call that?” asks the clerk.

“A farton”, replies the inventor.

“That’s rude. You can’t possibly call it that!”

“In that case,” says the inventor…

“You’re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.” 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.  After a few minutes, a big tall   cowboy walked in and said “Who owns the  big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, “I do,  Why?”

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you’d like to  know that your horse is about dead outside!”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to  die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was   starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and  said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create  enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.

Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe” and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar  to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns  that big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him this  time?”
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,…

“Nothin’, but you left your Injun running.

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. 

A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?” 

The barman says, “Yep, that’s them.” 

So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honour. What are you guys doing in here?” 

Bush says, “We’re planning WW III “. Gonna be a real holy war… 

And the guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?” 

Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 20 million radical Muslims this time, and one blonde with big tits.” 

The guy exclaimed, “A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?” 

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, “See, smart ass, I told you no one would worry about the 20 million radical Muslims.” 

Yeah!  You shoulda listened to Bob!!!

During the last session of our teaching workshop, participants were asked to state their personal goals for the immediate future. 

One teacher vowed to update photo albums, another to lose weight.

The goal that got the most response, however, was given by a slightly out-of-shape kindergarten teacher. 

“I resolve to exercise until I can complete a 20-minute workout in less than an hour,” she said. 

An American stood in London looking at a large building.

A British boy walked by and stood beside the American.

“You know, boy,” said the American, “in the States we have that kind of building too, but they are four times higher.”

“Really?” replied the boy. “How sad. That is a mental hospital.”

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
–
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
–
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
–
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
–
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
–
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
–
2014 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

And that’s it my friends.  Time to call it a night and put this thing away and get some sleep.