Well, here it is, 3 o’clock Saturday afternoon, and it’s only 39° F outside, so needless to say I didn’t

Can’t seem to get motivated.  Still in my night clothes.  I did a load of laundry.  Tomorrow, Sunday, yesterday for you guys, is/was Mary’s birthday.  She’s 56.  

In the middle of writing another piece.  Having some trouble with it.  I know what I want to say, but it’s just not coming out.  I’ll work on it later, I guess.  

So for now, let’s go ahead and start with the laffs and see where it leads us, shall we?

Sounds just like aircraft maintenance for the Air Force.

Here’s a game that Stephanie sent in, it looks like it could be a lot of fun.  Hubby got lost in this game for about 3 years. Once got within 10 feet of the locale.  https://www.geoguessr.com/  

This is a really good one.  Thanks to Stephanie for sending it along.

A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole-in-one.

With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, “I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I’ll grant you any wish.”

The player thought a bit and said, “Could you make me weeny a bit larger”

“Wish granted.” says the leprechaun, as he skips away.

Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin’ below his shorts.

He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin’ along behind him.

By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.

He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it.

He was told that legend has it that you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again.

After purchasing five buckets of balls, he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one.

Again, the leprechaun offered any wish.

The player asked, “Could ya make me legs a bit longer

This is not one that the Whelpling did, this is one that I played with.

Well…I didn’t get to finish this last night.  Izzy was working and she called me and asked me if I could run over to her store and buy her food.  I said, “You have money, why can’t you buy yourself food?  I’m a little busy right now.”

She said, “Well, I have money, but I’m not allowed to ring myself up and … well … the girl I was working with walked out and quit.”  

“I’m on my way.”  And therein lies the problem, ANOTHER one of the problems, with only having two people working in the store at a time.  There are times in the afternoon and the morning when they are there by themselves.  But this is Saturday night.  There is no way I am going to leave my daughter alone in a Dollar General on a Saturday night by herself.  So, I grabbed my tablet and ran over there.  I asked her when/if someone was going to be there to help her out?  (while I was buying her a couple of power-bars)  She said 8pm.  Well, that’s about 2 hours from now.  So I told her that I would be out in the car.  She said I didn’t have to and I said yes I did and read my scriptures and stuff for two hours.  

And that’s why it’s now Sunday afternoon, after church and I’m still working on Monday’s issue and not Thursday’s issue, or writing, like I wanted to.

But, it does give me a chance to say, Happy Birthday my love.  I miss you a lot.  I can’t wait until I get to see you again.

Now, next we have this one from Leah D.

And this one is from Stephanie…

These were sent in by Joe…and I gotta say, this is by no means concise.  There are SO MANY missing…

The Rules 

The female always make the rules. 

The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No male can possibly know all the rules. 

If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules. (This one gets me, every time!)

The female is never wrong. 

If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong. 

The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.  (There is a corollary to this one, that goes something like this: “Whenever you argue with a woman and you KNOW you’re right, apologize immediately!)

The female may change her mind at any time. 

The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female. (I suggest that it also be notarized and witnessed by at least two, highly respectable clergymen)

The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 

The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset. 

The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset. 

The male is expected to mind read at all times. 

The female is ready when she is ready. 

The male must be ready at all times 

Bofo was telling her boyfriend, Jeff “According to archaeologists, for millions of years the Neanderthal man was not fully erect.” 

And Jeff’s reply was, that’s pretty easy to understand considering how ugly the Neanderthal women were!

GOLF and what it all means

§  Golf can best be defined as …

o   An endless series of tragedies …

o   Obscured by the occasional miracle …

o   Followed by a good bottle of beer. 

§  Golf …

o   You hit down to make the ball go up. 

o   You swing left and the ball goes right. 

o   The lowest score wins.  

o   And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. 

§  Golf is harder than baseball …

o   In golf, you have to play your foul balls. 

§  If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: 

o   Your life is in trouble. 

§  Golfers who try to make everything perfect …

o   Before taking the shot 

o   Rarely make a perfect shot. 

§  The term ‘Mulligan’…

o   Is really a contraction of the phrase ‘maul it again.’ 

§  A ‘gimme’ can best be defined …

o   As an agreement between two golfers …

o   Neither of whom can putt very well. 

§  An interesting thing about golf is …

o   That no matter how badly you play; 

o    It is always possible to get worse. 

§  Golf’s a hard game to figure. 

o   One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, 

o   Hit into all the traps, and miss every green. 

o   The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink. 

§  If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, 

o   You might wish to reconsider this game. 

§  Golf is the only sport where …

o   The most feared opponent is you. 

§  Golf is like marriage:  

o   If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, 

o   And both are expensive. 

§  The best wood in most amateurs’ bags …

o   Is the pencil. 

No! … Just, No.

Well, depending on what they have to compare it to…maybe.

I love it that you guys send me these shorts…and that there are lots of other shorts under this one…until I end up losing an hour chasing all those other shorts 

Joe sent me this email three weeks ago.  And it ties in so well with how I’ve been feeling, how the world has been feeling and how my Pastor has been leading up to his preaching.  This is what Joe sent…

Saw a great slogan:

“Normal isn’t coming back.  …Jesus is!”

I’m just finishing up the Left Behind series of books.  Everything seems to be pointing towards the end times coming sooner rather than later and I’m very strongly being led to tell people, through my ministries and any way I can, to get their lives together, and get saved.  I know, people have been saying this for years and years.  People have been seeing signs and pointing towards the “End of The World” for so many years that it’s a matter of the boy who cried, “Wolf!”

But, I truly feel like this is different.  I wish I was a better Bible scholar.  But, I also can’t deny what the Spirit is placing on my heart.  

Maybe it’s just me feeling my own mortality.  I don’t think so, but maybe it is.  But that’s okay.  I’m ready.  Wait.  Don’t read that the wrong way.  I’m not anxious to die or anything like that, what I mean is, if I were to die tomorrow, I would be fine with it because I’m prepared to and would be overjoyed to meet Jesus.  But no, I’m not anxious to die.  There are too many people to reach, too many new friends to meet, too many books still to read, and still too much to say through my writing.  

Anyway, that was a fast little aside, so let’s move on…

This was sent in by Joe from NJ.  I’m almost 100% sure that he just sent it in and didn’t write it because it is very insightful into what women actually go through.  But I do qualify it with an ALMOST 100% sure because buddy Joe is a very insightful guy, so, although my confidence approaches 100%, it will never quite get all the way TO 100%.

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long. 

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she’d bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she’d carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she’d instruct, “Never, never sit on a public toilet seat.” And she’d demonstrate “The Stance,” which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I’d have peed down my leg. And we’d go home. 

That was a long time ago. I’ve had lots of experience with public toilets since then, but I’m still not particularly fond of public toilets, especially 
those with powerful, red-eye sensors. Those toilets know when you want them to flush. They are psychic toilets. But I always confuse their psychic ability by following my mother’s advice and assuming The Stance. The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one’s 
bladder is especially full. This is most likely to occur after watching a full-length feature film. 

During the movie pee, it is nearly impossible to hold The Stance. You know what I mean. You drink a two liter cup of Diet Coke, then sit still through a three-hour saga because, for God’s sake, even if you didn’t wipe or wash your hands in the bathroom, you’d still miss the pivotal part of the movie or the second scene, in which they flash the leading man’s naked derriere. 

So, you cross your legs and you hold it. And you hold it until that first credit rolls and you sprint to the bathroom, about ready to explode all over your internal organs. And at the bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there’s a half-price sale on Mel Gibson’s underwear in there. 

So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. You hope no one is doing frivolous things behind those stall doors, like blowing her nose or 
checking the contents of her wallet. 

Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter. You hang your handbag on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume The Stance. 

Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You’d love to sit down but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. Might as well be ready when you are done. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. 

Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny napkin you wiped your fingers on after eating buttered popcorn. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. 

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn’t work and your  pocketbook whams you in the head. “Occupied!” you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your buttered popcorn napkin in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. Your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, “You don’t know what kind of diseases you could get.” 

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. 

At that point, you give up. You’re finished peeing. You’re soaked by the splashing water. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. 

You can’t figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. 

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River. You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and say warmly, “Here You might need this.” 

At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. 

“What took you so long?” he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home. 

This is the propaganda that “The American Left”(Atheists, Communists, Democrats, Globalists, Islamofascists, Liberals, Marxists, Pagans, Pedophiles, Progressives, Racists, Satanists, Socialists, Militant Baby Murdering Abortionists, Militant Environmental Wackos, Militant Transgenders and their sick twisted supporters, Criminal Illegal Aliens, and CCP agents) is using to indoctrinate our children into eating bugs!

Only genuinely stupid people, severely mentally ill people, and liars that hate our children would tell them it’s OK to eat bugs!

This illegal alien thing can be solved by the same thing my dad told me about stray cats…

STOP FEEDING THEM AND THEY’LL GO AWAY!

(Stop giving them free money, housing, and all the other free stuff we’re giving them while we have American Citizens (AND VETERANS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!) who are going without!)

This was sent in by Lynn….

Tyson Foods

What Tyson Foods did to residents in Iowa is one of the worst things we’ve seen a company do. The Bud Light Dylan Mulvaney situation was pathetic, but this is 100 times worse. They announced Monday that they’ll be closing the plant in June, shocking the entire town. 1200 people, 15% of the entire town, work at the plant. They’re all going to be unemployed now. Simultaneously, Tyson is also working with an Asylum advocate group to hire 2,500 asylum seekers who are cleared to work. They’ll make $16.50/hr and get benefits.

Biden will brag about creating those 2,500 new jobs that went to illegals!

This is Bidenomics!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EriWoeAQig

Well, this has NOTHING to do with AOC, but it is definitely worth watching

DOJ moved to dismiss $3.3B fraud suit against Dish after chairman donated $113K to Biden

Subject: Dogs

*If a dog were your teacher, you would learn stuff like: 

*When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. 

*Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. 

*Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. 

*When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience. 

*Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory. 

*Take naps and stretch before rising. 

*Run, romp, and play daily. 

*Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. 

*On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. 

*On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. 

*When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body. 

*No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout… run right back and make friends. 

*Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. 

*Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. 

*Be loyal. 

*Never pretend to be something you’re not. 

*If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. 

*And MOST of all… When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently 

Restaurant that looks like a drawing.

Well, at least they’re honest.

A young man was walking past an old woman on a street corner, when she said, “Son, if it is not too much trouble, can you see me across the street.”

The young man said, “Just a minute.”

Then he walked across the street, looked back and yelled, “Yes, I can see you!”

And the thing is, there are probably a lot of young people who see nothing wrong with this and are probably wondering why the old lady would even ask this.

Illinois, Evanston  Law

It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.

Well, that’s it for Monday my friends.  I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.  I hope to have another issue for you on Thursday.  Thank you all for your support and your love.