Let me start off with an apology.  I am so ridiculously far behind in my emails that I know that I’ve disappointed someone.  Whoever you are, I’m sorry.  I try to run through them and find the personal from the submissions, but I know…I KNOW I’ve missed several.  I owe out several personal emails that I really want to send, so please, bare with me my friends.  

Plus, the spirit is beating me up again about two more topics He wants me to write about.  And believe it or not, I have to mow my lawn!  We’ve had like 4 or 5 days of nice weather around here and my backyard is beginning to look like a jungle already!  That’s an April thing!  I got two more weeks!  NOT FAIR!!!

So, that’s in my immediate future.

Many of you have written or left comments about my … not sure what the word is that I’m looking for … (wow!  Now, that’s not good for a writer to admit.) exigencent foray down to Florida.  Yeah, that’s about as polite as I could possibly be.  Anyway, many of you have said that you are amazed at how I managed to work through it all as well as I did.  I want to emphasize to you all that I had help.  I was propped up quite well by God the entire time I was down there.  I know for a fact that had the old me gone down there, you’d be wondering right now why you haven’t heard from me because I WOULD have torn that place up and I would be in jail asking for someone to come bail me out. 

‘Nuff said.

So, I want to give you guys a full issue today, and I want to try and give you guys a full issue on Monday, and I want to try to get through a good portion of these emails, and I want to mow my lawn tomorrow, and I want to get some well deserved sleep, and … well … you see my point.

So….

That figures!  Yeah, just rub it in March!

Thanks to Stephanie for this next one (that she sent me on Feb 22nd…just sayin’)

YOU HAVE GOT TO CLICK ON THIS AND WATCH THIS FACEBOOK REEL!!!  I could probably find it on YouTube, but I’m in a hurry https://www.facebook.com/reel/1655995611874768

And this is the best clip I could find of the actual event the comedian is talking about.  But before you watch the video, watch the link above.

I’m doomed!

“Good Evening Sir.  I’m with the Fuller Brush Company.”

Oh come on, Pete!  We’re not gonna start this again, are we?

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to New York and the other to Washington. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why Hooters?” “They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs.” “You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf again “Where you wanna go for lunch?” “Hooters.” “Again? Why?” “They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games.” “OK.”

At age 52 they meet and play again. “So where you wanna go for lunch?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “The food is pretty good and there’s plenty of parking.” “OK.”

At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Wings are half price and the food isn’t too spicy.” “Good choice”

At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, “Where shall we go for lunch?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts.” “Great choice.”

At age 82 they meet and play again. “Where should we go for lunch?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Because we’ve never been there before.” “Okay, let’s give it a try.”

The Boy, the Donkey and the Old Man

 An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.” They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

Here’s another one you have to click on!  Especially if you are a fan of this group.  And isn’t everyone? https://www.facebook.com/reel/266045949777776

Yeah, yeah…and there are more than twice as many people working at Disney World than live in my county in Indiana.

Places to Go

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots …  

–      Apparently, you can’t go alone –

–      You have to be in Cahoots with someone. 

I’ve also never been in Cognito …

–      I hear no one recognizes you there. 

I have, however, been in Sane …

–      They don’t have an airport; 

–      You have to be driven there.  

–      I have made several trips there, 

o   Thanks to my friends, family and work. 

I would like to go to Conclusions …

–      But you have to jump, 

–      And I’m not too much on physical activity anymore. 

I have also been in Doubt …

–      That is a sad place to go, 

–      And I try not to visit there too often. 

I’ve been in Flexible…

–      But only when it was very important to stand firm. 

Sometimes I’m in Capable …

–      And I go there more often as I’m getting older. 

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! …  

–      It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. 

–      At my age I need all the stimuli I can get. 

I may have been in Continent …

–      But I don’t remember what country I was in.

–      It’s an age thing.

–      They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

 

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death. 

-Earl Wilson (1907 – 1987)

Little Johnny asked his grandpa how old he was. Grandpa answered, “39 and holding.” 

Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, “And how old would you be if you let go?”

And the truly sad and terrible part is that 1) too many people find this funny and 2) too many prosecutors won’t even file this as a crime!  Since when is it right to take someone else’s property?

Louisiana Law 

It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

Well, I would’ve kinda thought that the whole first part of that would’ve made it illegal

A young missionary on his first trip to Africa is away from camp having devotions in a quiet clearing, as was his custom. This one particular day, while reading his Bible, a lion comes and lays down right beside him; so close that the hot warm smell of his breath is wafting over him. 

He is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy. He closes his eyes, praying… but when he opens them he sees another approach from the brush, which proceeds to lie down on the other side of him. 

Convinced as he is that this is a test of his faith, he determines to return to his Bible reading. As soon as he does so, the two lions pounce upon and devour him. 

Moral of the story: Don’t read between the “lions.”

A man went to apply for a job. 

After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. 

The employer read all his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.” 

“Oh, great,” he said, “What is it?” 

“It’s called the door!” 

One evening, Prince Charming walked into a tavern appearing downtrodden. 

Immediately, the bartender turned to Prince Charming and asked him why he’s so glum. 

“You wouldn’t believe it,” the Prince replied. “I was walking through the Enchanted Forest when suddenly I approached Snow White, fast asleep on a bed of stone. 

The dwarf next to her told me that she had eaten a poisonous apple and could only be revived through a kiss from my very lips. 

I gave her a peck on the cheek. Nothing. So I give Snow White a real deep kiss while massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing. 

Soon enough, I’m making passionate love to her right there in the woods, when suddenly she screams out, ‘Ah yes’!” 

“That’s great!” the bartender excitedly replied to Prince Charming. 

“Then she is alive!” 

Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming replied, “Nah. She faked it.” 

And with that, dear friends, we’ve completed an entire issue!!!!!

I hope you all enjoyed it at least half as much as I did!