Well, as you can probably tell, I’m under a bit of pressure here.  I want to tell you all about my trip and all the CRAP I had to deal with while I was in Florida, the absolutely EVIL people I ran into, and the problems that I had that I didn’t need to have.  But, I also want to give you guys an issue, since it’s been so long, so you guys can have something to laugh and smile at, since I really need that myself. And, I only have a little bit of time (like THAT’S a huge surprise, right?)

So, let’s do this, because this deserves an effort.  I will tell my story in a separate issue to be published on Friday.  I can do that when I have free time on my lunch hour tomorrow and Thursday.  I think that is a good plan.  So for now…

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool. 

“What’s wrong with you?” said the priest. 

“Well,” said the frog, “the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn’t always a frog.” 

“Really!” said the priest. “Can you explain!”

“Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. ‘Let me pass!’ I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you.” 

“That’s an incredible story” said the priest. “Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?”

“Yes” said the frog, “It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food and warmth and with a good nights sleep, I would wake up a boy once again.” 

“Today’s your lucky day!” said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11 year old Choir boy beside him in bed.

“And that, Your Honor, is the case for the Defense…..” 

During the wedding reception in the family’s southern mansion, the bride’s Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it was for her and to keep it for “mad money, so she stuffed them in her gloves

By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in their historic plantation house.
 
Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride’s Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs , and asked where she was going.
 
“I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it’s important that I have them.”

“Oh you youngsters!” the Grandmother sighed. “You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands just like I did your Grandfather’s.”

Concentrate your energies, your thoughts and your capital…. The wise man puts all his eggs in one basket and watches the basket.

-Andrew Carnegie (1835-1919)

EXACTLY!!!

I’m just not really sure where this flame is coming from…

Kentucky Law

It’s illegal to marry your wife’s grandmother.

I think I love this guy…

Rules

Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. Eschew obfuscation. A writer mustn’t shift your point of view. About them sentence fragments. As far as incomplete constructions, they are wrong. Check to see if you have any words out.

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. Don’t abbrev. Don’t use commas, which aren’t necessary. Don’t write a run-on sentence you have to punctuate it. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent. In a letter themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart. It is important to never ever under any circumstances split an infinitive.

Its very important that you use apostrophe’s right. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. Just between you and I case is important. The active voice is preferred. Use of the passive voice is to be avoided. Watch out for irregular verbs which have crope into our language. When dangling, don’t use participles. Don’t use no double negatives Don’t never use no triple negatives. No sentence fragments Corollary: Complete sentences: important. Stamp out and eliminate redundancy. All generalizations are bad. Take care that your verb and subject is in agreement. A preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with. Down with categorical imperatives.

If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. Puns are for children, not groan readers. Who needs rhetorical questions? Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “I hate quotations.” Excessive use of exclamation points can be disastrous!!!!! Remember to end each sentence with a full stop And last but not least, avoid clichés like the plague, they’re old hat. dr

Madge : I do believe in sex on the first date.

Ethel :    That’s pretty modern thinking for an 80 year old woman.

Madge : Well, you can never be sure of a 2nd date with an 80 year old man !

The problem is, there are very few little kids who could sleep in this bed.

“Did you call for an Uber?”

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.

“Hello?”

A girl’s voice came over the line. “Can I speak to Ben, please?”

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.

“I’m sorry, he’s not in right now. Can I take a message?”

“Do you know what time he’ll be back?” she responded.

“I think he said he’d be home around 10:00.”

Silence on the other end… a confused silence.

“Is this Steve?”

My name isn’t Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.

“Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?”

“Well… he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him…” she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, “Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00.”

A shocked voice now: “Who’s Karen?!”

“The girl he went out with.”

“I know that! I mean… who is she?”

“I don’t know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?”

“Yes… please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.”

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. “I sure will. Is this Jennifer?”

She exploded this time. “Who’s Jennifer?”

Apparently she wasn’t.

“Well… he’s going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry… it was an honest mistake.”

“Ben’s the one that’s made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she’s very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home.”

I smiled and said, “Okay, I will… but Becky isn’t going to like this…”

CLICK

Yup, that’s about right…

Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally).

It can really begin to bother you after a while.

I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have my wife call his desk when he’s not there and leave a message like “Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE.  You haven’t paid for the ‘toys’ we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn’t want me to come over there and spank you, would you?”

It is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone, I can assure you.

And that’s where I have to end for now my friends.  I need sleep and still have stuff I have to do before I can go to bed.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.