Today is Saturday…a nice relaxing Saturday.  I’ve already opened all my emails, downloaded pictures and memes, and helped a buddy.  And it’s not even noon yet. 

It’s a beautiful day!

And that’s going to last for …

3

2

1

…

…

Oh, okay, for a while then.  

Anyway, let’s get going with the rest of the stuff.  I’ve also already watched the Equalizer 3 and the first two episodes of The Brothers Sun.  So…relaxing…

Although this doesn’t surprise me, in the grand scheme of things, this is not really a bad plan.

A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.

“Honey?”

“Yes, darling?”

“Honey,” he says, in mild exasperation, “why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I’d never be unfaithful.”

“Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you,” she replies sweetly, “It’s just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you’d be protected.

So please, darling, take it with you, won’t you? For my sake?”

“Oh, alright, if you put it that way,” he relented, “I’ll do it for you. But for Pete’s sake, give me more than one!”

I agree!

There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it.

The doctor says to him, “Well, it must be your diet. What sort of greens do you eat?”

The man replies, “Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods.”

The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, “Well man, that’s your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you’ll have to give them up!!”

The guy says, “But for how long? I mean I really like peas!”

The doctor replies, “Forever, I’m afraid.”

The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.

Anyway, one night, years later, he’s at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed, and one of the reps says, “Well, ashully, I’d love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up.”

Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, “Really, I haven’t had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!”

The businessman says, “Thas nuvving, I haven’t ad a pea in 6 years.”

The barman jumps up screaming, “Okay, everyone who can’t swim, grab a table…”

Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters.

The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer.

Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc.

When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts.

At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labels them……….”Moosellaneous”

Popping through the veil to make an impression!

That is so sad.

Every man needs a wife because there are a number of things that go wrong that one cannot blame on the government.

Louisiana Law 

Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault,” while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault.” 

And water, don’t forget the water.

KIDS’ KITCHEN TERMS 

BOIL: 
The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic “Yuck” before a food is even tasted. 

CASSEROLE: 
Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together. 

DESSERT: 
The reason for eating a meal. 

EVAPORATE: 
Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes. 

FRUIT: 
A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert 

REFRIGERATOR: 
A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery. 

SODA POP: 
Shake ‘N Spray. 

TABLE LEG: 
Percussion instrument. 

So very, very true.

This is a tremendous bit of Orange…or…um…art work!

A young  man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. “I feel terrible,” she told him. “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.” 

“Forget it,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.” 

“Yes, and it’s lucky you have,” said the woman, drying her eyes. “I used them to patch the hole.” 

I LOVE the eyes on the cow!

Rules: 

 1. If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. 

 2. If you don’t like the answer, you should not have asked the question. 

 3. When all else fails, read the instructions. 

 4. When in 
     a.  doubt – mumble 
     b.  trouble – delegate 
     c.  charge – ponder 

 5. When the weight of the paperwork, equals the weight of the equipment, the equipment will work 

 6. After adding two weeks for unexpected delays, add two more for the unexpected unexpected delays 

 7. It does not matter if you fall down, as long as you pick up something from the floor when you get up 

 8. You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on

 9. There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it twice 

10. It works better if you plug it in 

11. Only Robinson Crusoe had every thing done by Friday 

12. Never admit anything.   Never regret anything.   Whatever it is, you are not responsible 

I picture the conversation going like this:

Supervisor:  Go put soap in the soap dispenser.

Worker:  But we’re out of …

Supervisor:  Don’t give me excuses, just get it done!

Worker:  Okay, boss.  [mumbles under his breath] jackass…

And this one probably went along the same lines…”but we’re out of all the tags except…”

An American was knocked unconscious in a serious accident while traveling in Australia. 

The ambulance took him to a local hospital for treatment. 

While he finally woke up he asked the nurse, “Was I brought here to die?” 

“No,” said the nurse. “You were brought in here yesterday.” 

Oh please!  Don’t give the “Flat Earthers” more ammunition!

Yeah, I looked.  I couldn’t find it.  I did all kinds of deep dives on it.  Even called some friends I have.  Hang on, someone’s at the door.

 

…

 

Funny, I didn’t order anything from Ama-Zone…what the heck is Ama-Zone?  And besides, the mail has already been deliv

 

 

 

 

 

What?  You don’t think I’m bright enough to put two and two together and leave out the escape tunnel as SOON as there was someone at the door?

Anyway, where were we?  Oh yeah…

A bit over done, but it is funny

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. 

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action. 

The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. 

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem,the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. 

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team’s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.” 

Um….?   No, never mind.

Yeah, probably from someone’s point of view.

I wish I could use Google to search for things in my house.

You know, I’m a HUGE FAN of Vanilla, Fruit Punch, and Blue Razzberry, Vodka comes to mind…

But not hot dogs!!!

Never be a prisoner of your own past.

It was just a lesson, not a life sentence.

That would be an excellent total for most any woman.

I’ve seen this or similar pictures like this one before and I’m always stunned when I do.  The human race is doomed.

With today being President’s Day, and you’ll notice that I left that out, up till now, let’s start with that theme here…

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, “Do you know what today is?”

Without skipping a beat she said, “It’s President’s Day!”

She’s so smart, so I asked her, “What does President’s Day mean?”

She replied, “President’s Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bull crap.”

You know, it really hurts when steaming hot coffee spurts straight out of your nose.

If I know someone with dementia that has nuclear weapons, should I report him under the Red Flag Law?

With war breaking out in the Middle East, it’s good to know we have a full strategic oil reserve in case fuel becomes an issue…oh wait…My mistake, Biden drained it so he could (artificially) lower gas prices for the midterms.
Carry on.

John Rich

Okay, let’s switch themes

And now we have people who have SO MUCH more to be grateful to this country for, who won’t even stand!

AND THEN YOU’VE GOT THIS TRAITOROUS WITCH!

Okay, let’s move on before I really get upset!  And I’m trying so hard not to.  One more just because it’s for us older folks and because it’s SO FUNNY!

I gotta go with the Captain on this one!

Yeah, that’s just really poor sign placement.

Everybody’s talking about hijacking a UFO, but they can’t even drive a stick-shift!

Okay, I have overdrawn my account before, but this…this is pure artform!

Wow!  Just….Wow!

I just flew in from a Ravioli convention…

-Boyardees arms tired.

The best I could do was 210 sq ft of light brown.  I was only able to get 75 feet of medium and 87 1/4 feet of the dark.  Even together it doesn’t come up to the 200 they were looking for.

Has anyone else turned on the wrong burner and cooked absolutely nothing for 20 minutes?

Not only that, but when I was done cooking, I’ve shut off the wrong burner and come back an hour later and found one lone burner running all by it’s lonesome heating up the kitchen…or just failed to shut it off completely.  Carried the pot over to the sink or something and just … forgot about the burner.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill!!  
Seriously?
Know your workout equipment!

I won $2.00 in the Mega Millions lottery.  Please respect our privacy as our family decides how to move forward in this exciting and pivotal moment in time.

Is there a word that uses all the vowels including Y?

UNQUESTIONABLY.

Why, yes, I could start my day without coffee.  But, I like being able to remember things like how to use words and put on pants.

Humble enough to know I’m replaceable.  Cocky enough to know it’s going to be a downgrade.

I overheard a lady saying she won’t let her kid watch Peppa Pig because it encourages bad behavior like “jumping in puddles”.  I watched Road Runner as a kid and haven’t blown anyone up with dynamite – yet.

And with that idea planted firmly in everybody’s head, that’s where we’re going to call it quits for this exciting episode of Dragon Laffs.  Thanks for being here with me.  May God Bless you all until we meet again.