I really do like that header.  Kind of descriptive of our whole outlook on life here at Dragon Laffs.  So, it’s Monday and I’m getting ready to take my beasts to the vet.  If you guys don’t hear from me again, would one of you please check the county jail and see what my bond is.

In the meantime, I’ve got a bunch of stuff to pop in and talk to you guys about, but for now, let’s just go ahead and get this party started.

So, got this email from Stephen B. about the last episode of DL. 

I do have a problem with the link you sent on the Press Secretary…….I think the Military Wife insulted the intelligence of a bean sprout.

The show where Lenny and Squiggy were singing was Laverne & Shirley.

Why do you need a red dot on grenade launchers?  To scare the bejeezes out of the one it is being aimed at. KEEP ‘EM COMING!

I meant to bring this up at the time, but I believe it is the place of the military member, and their families to keep their mouths shut in regard to their feelings about the president and the administration.  That is their commander-in-chief.  And in and of the fact that I, too work for the military AND am a veteran, I should have the respect to not criticize because the president, no matter who he is, is my boss, and I should respect the office, if not the person.  But, what that press secretary said was SO insulting and SO degrading, plus just wrong and ADD to that the remarks of Kirby prior to that when he announced that “only 3 Soldiers were killed…” ONLY?  How can you minimize the fact that ANY American Military lives are lost?  That’s just degrading.  He of all people should be howling at the moon at lost military lives.  Well, after all that (plus so very much more from this piece of garbage administration when it comes to the military) yeah, I don’t have a problem at ALL with what that military wife said, nor with me presenting it here to you guys.

And yes indeed, I think bean sprouts everywhere should be insulted by comparison.  But the red dot on the grenade launcher to scare the recipient of the grenade?  Isn’t that a lot like the cat playing with  the mouse before eating it?  So…okay…I see your point.  Sounds like fun.

Are we going to start this again?

Aussie Pete, I blame this on you.  You being our Aussie Rep, that’s what you get.

You don’t hear much about the Bermuda Triangle anymore because it filled with so many sunken ships that it’s become a wrecktangle.

Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well.  There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, and proctologists, any place you have a hole, there’s a guy who specializes in your hole.  They make an entire career out of that hole.  And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can’t help you, he sends you to a surgeon.
Why?
So he can make a new hole!

More and more.

Okay, this is getting ridiculous.  This poor guy, possibly even a relative of mine, just needs to use the restroom and people are taking pictures of him!

My friend Ian used to be a Magician before he lost his Magic.

I really enjoy seafood

I just realized that the word “seven” has “even” in it.

That’s odd.

Oh come on!!

I KNOW he’s related to me!

I really do like crab cakes.

Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.

Accidently sprayed body spray in my mouth.  I now talk with an axe scent.

[baby crying on plane]

Guy beside me: Can there be anything worse than a baby crying on a plane? 

Me: [pulling out a kazoo] Let’s find out, shall we?

I forgot to put my ice scraper back in my car.  This morning I had to use a store rewards card.  It was ineffective, only took off 5%.

If you’re 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?

FOR SALE:
Dead Canary.
Not going cheep.

I can cut a piece of wood in half, just by looking at it.

It’s true!  I saw it with my own eyes.

I saw a guy at Starbucks today with no iPhone, tablet, or laptop.  He just sat there…drinking coffee…like a psychopath.

Okay, so I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have been getting a plethora of political “surveys” in the mail.  They’re not really surveys, they are more very poorly written questionnaires and more blunt pleas for money.  I’ll give you a quick example of one I got today.  Here’s the question:

20.  Are you concerned about the rise in political correctness and left-wing radicalism on America’s college campuses, where conservative views are suppressed, and conservative speakers are harassed and even attacked?

Oh come on!  That’s such a lop-sided question.  And of course the choices for answers are yes, no and undecided.  That’s like asking someone if they have stopped beating their wife yet.  There is no way of honestly answering it and it’s not really asking a real question anyway.  I would really like to see a REAL survey.  

But the thing that really annoys me about these are that every single one of them is more wrapped up and spends more time trying to convince me to send them money.  And the one today just annoyed the daylights out of me.  It was from the National Republican Senatorial Committee.  The last page had the “Assessment Verification and Reply” where you verify that, yes indeed, these were my answers AND I am enclosing my most generous contribution of:

and then they have these boxes you can check.  I know you’ve seen them.  This particular one though had $1,000, $500, $250, $100, $50, $34*, $25, and Other: $_____.  Look closely at the $34 one and see that there is an asterixis behind that one.  If you look right below the box with all the numbers in you can read that:

*Your gift of $34 is just $1 for every Senate seat in 2024.  Like their saying, “You cheap bastard.  These poor starving baby Senators and all you can spare is a lousy dollar?  How dare you!  But if you think about, these poor senators get paid $174,000 a year.  That’s more than TWICE what I get paid.  Plus they get compensated for their staff, their office, their all kinds of stuff, I just read a minute ago that the average allowance for senators is OVER $3.7 million a year!  And!  AND they can gain a retirement after 6 years.  It’s not a great retirement at that point, but still.  I have to work for 20 years to get a not great retirement.  I’ll bet after 20 years theirs is pretty darn good.  And now they are going to shame ME for not sending THEM my money!  How about shaming them for being ridiculously over paid? 

I say we put them under the same pay scale as the military.  For crying out loud, they’re not even getting shot at for a living!!  Make them all E-1’s for their first year, make them have to work a minimum of 20 years in Government service to get a 50% retirement.  And at least once, they have to be deployed for a year and be shot at.  

I, Impish Dragon, so make a motion.  Do I have a second?

Oh, and before any of you ask, I did NOT send them a check.  But I am considering answering the questionnaire and writing in the margins and telling them how stupid each question is and how they could have reworded it to make it a worthwhile question.  And adding at the end WHY I’m not sending them a check and why they should strongly consider sending all of us one.

That really, Really, REALLY ought to tell us something.

I really want them!!!

Breaking News:  Local glass blower was rushed to the hospital this morning because he inhaled whilst working.

A hospital spokesperson said, “He’s okay, but he does still have a pane in his stomach and a glazed look on his face.”

Interesting fact:  Lumberjacks know EXACTLY how many trees they cut down each year.  Apparently they keep a log.

I got tired of being asked how I got the scars on my forehead, and finally answered:  “I’m married.  Those are beak marks from being hen pecked.”

Questions asked about….

The Pregnancy: 

 Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?

*Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.


Are birth control pills deductible? 

*Only if they don’t work. 


What is a chastity belt? 

*A labor-saving device. 


Should I have a baby after 35? 

*No,  35 children are enough. 


Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? 

*Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.


My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?

Your therapist. 


 During The Pregnancy: 


How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? 

*If it’s the flu, you’ll get better. 


 I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I’m pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?

*Not if you don’t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long. 


What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex? 

*Childbirth. 


I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? 

*With any luck, right after he finishes college. 


 Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet  have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

*Yes, your bladder. 


Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?

*Depends on what you’re doing with them. 


What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy? 

*Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder. 


 My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

*Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. 


 When is the best time to get an epidural? 

*Right after you find out your pregnant. 


What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning? 

*It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it’s way out of you.


What are forceps? 

*Giant baby tweezers. 


 Does labor cause hemorrhoids? 

*Labor causes anything you want to blame it for. 


After The Pregnancy: 


 Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? 

*No, but your husband might get on your nerves. 


Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised? 

*When it’s a girl, for starters. 


 Where is the best place to store breast milk? 

*In your breasts. 


 Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? 

*Yes, baby lips. 


What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? 

*It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. 


How does one sanitize nipples?* 

Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan. 


 What are the terrible twos? 

*Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey. 


What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? 

*When you see teeth marks. 


What is the grasp reflex? 

*The reaction of new father’s when he sees new mother’s breasts. 



What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away? 

*They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.


 Do I have to have a baby shower? 

*Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly. 


What causes baby blues? 

*Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos. 


What is colic? 

*A reminder for new parents to use birth control. 


What are night terrors? 

*Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again. 


Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

*When the kids are in college. 


Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? 

*Yes, pregnancy. 

The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a “walk” and the students were free to leave – with no penalties for missing a class.

The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that “jumped” ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to “jump” ahead 1 minute.

It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely “absent-minded”). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them “You have 1 hour to complete”.

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully “jumped” the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he’s worried about getting seasick.

The doctor suggests, ”Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.”

The guy replies, ”Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?” 

The doctor says, ”No, but it’ll look real pretty in the water.” 

Back in the old days, the USSR Prime Secretary ordered the soviet scientists to build a telescope he could use to watch the Americans.

So they built and it was beautiful. When he came to test it, he looked through it and saw a big city with lots of skyscrapers.

He said, “Is this the New York? Where’s that building they call Empire State?”

The scientists pushed some buttons and the Empire State building came to be seen. 

“What are those large photos on that building?” he asked.

The scientists pushed more buttons, and the large photos that came into focus turned out to be those of Marx, Engels and Lenin; the grandfathers of communism.

“Hey, what happened to the Americans? Are they crazy, showing large photos of our Communist Fathers on their streets? Show me what the text below says.” More buttons pushed revealed the text below the photos:

“Don’t grow beards like these! Use Gillette!”

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH

1.  Two World Wars and One World Cup

2.  Proper beer

3.  You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket

4.  You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events

5.  Union jack underpants

6.  Water shortages guaranteed every single summer

7.  You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.

8.  Bathing once a week – whether you need to or not

9.  Ditto changing underwear

10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH

1.  Yur nay English!

2.  Yur nay English!

3.  Yur nay English!

4.  Yur nay English!

5.  Yur nay English!

6.  Yur nay English!

7.  Yur nay English!

8.  Yur nay English!

9.  Yur nay English!

10. Yur nay English!

My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business.

I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited.

We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home.

The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear. When it did not, my thoughtful seven- year-old gave me a hug.

“It’s okay, Mom,” she said. “The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again.”

Okay folks, that’s it.  Time to go.  Love and happiness to you all.  Till next time.