It seems my normal state of affairs lately is “running late”.  Here it is again, Friday night, and I’m just now starting tomorrow’s issue.  And I only have a few hours to put it together.  I really don’t like this.  I like putting more time and effort into my work.  Especially when I have stuff to talk about.  

Like Texas and the complete screw up that our Government is making of the border situation.  Biden was actually recorded saying that they can’t stop the flow of military aged men coming across the border.  That sounds an awful lot like treason to me.  We have no idea how many terrorists and people that wish us ill have already crossed, but I do know that it’s more than 40% of the ones who’ve crossed.  They actually had an interview with the head of one of the Iranian terror groups, who had freely walked across the border and he told the interviewer, “You have no idea who I am…but you will.”  And now that they do know who he is, they have no idea where he is.  And he was ballsy enough to say that, while being recorded, to someone who was interviewing him.  Plus he stood there and pointed out everything that America was doing wrong.  Governor Abbott of Texas has set the perfect stage with his letter to Washington and there are an awful lot of other state Governors who are backing him up.  This is an invasion and it is the Federal Governments sworn duty, by the Constitution to defend the States borders from invasion.  And if they won’t do it, then the Constitution gives the states the power to do it.  Not only is Biden’s administration NOT doing it, he is helping the invaders.  That is treason by any sense of the word.  Fellow campers, if you haven’t realized it yet, we are at war…and not just in Ukraine.  We are at war in Iran, Israel, and in our own country.  And it’s all being backed by China and Russia and sanctioned by our own leadership.

Please, I beg of you, if you haven’t made yourself right with God and Jesus, do so soon.  This is all leading up to the final days.  I can feel it.  It might not happen in my lifetime or even in my grandchildren’s lifetime.  But it might happen before I get done writing this next sentence.  Christ could return and take up His faithful followers…and we would be the lucky ones.  Although, I shouldn’t say lucky ones.  But, compared to all those that will be left behind to suffer through the next seven years, whoa baby.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to turn this into a proselytizing session. But sometimes I just can’t help myself.  If anyone would like to talk about that some more, you’ve got my email.

There are other things that we need to talk about, there’s a great, infuriating, but great, article that Stephen B. just sent me that I want to share with you guys, and a 30 minute … um … discussion (?) that I just had with the Social Security Administration about my brother that I really want to share with you guys, but for now…

Okay, to lead us off, here’s a pretty cool article sent to us by our own dear Stephanie.  Thanks sweetheart.

Once every 221 years: What to know about the rare 2024 cicada emergence

While 2024 has already been dubbed the “Year of the Cicada,” the title is especially apt for Illinois as a dual explosion of cicadas will hit parts of the state, with an overlap of two major broods and an emergence that hasn’t been seen in centuries.

The rare event, which could bring billions of cicadas to the surface, only occurs once every 221 years.

Read the rest of this article here:  

I don’t know where they got this gif of me…

Stephen B. sent us this article in answer to the question I asked, no this is not the article I was talking about in the opening, that’s a different article I’ll get to in a minute, this is the question I asked about the recharging road in Sweden.  Actually a couple of others also sent me articles, but I got his first and I liked this article and the other article wanted me to shut off my ad blocker and accept cookies and other things that I don’t like doing so you guys are getting this link.

Sweden’s building an electric road that could charge EVs while driving

And like Stephen pointed out to me, I’ll point out to you, notice the word “could”.

Electric vehicle sales are expected to grow hugely over the next few years, so European countries are now racing to install enough infrastructure to keep them charged. 

Sweden is planning to build a first of its kind, permanent electrified highway by 2025 that would enable EVs to charge while on the go.

And again, read the rest of the article here.  (You are supposed to click on the word “here” and it’s supposed to take you there.  I’m trying something different this time and it should work.  If it doesn’t, my apologies and I’ve ruined the whole thing.  But, we’ll fix it next time, I guess.  But from all appearances, it SHOULD work.  So, go back and click on the word “here”)

And this one is from Stephanie again… and you’ll never guess where Stephanie is from?  I’ll give you one guess.

Mississippi: 35 Facts They Never Taught You In School

https://www.movoto.com/blog/35-mississippi-facts-they-never-taught-you-in-school/

That one’s kinda subtle.  But think about it…try singing it.. there you go!

Just because he is adorable!

This one comes to us from Leah and admittedly it’s a little weird.  No, I’m not making any connections there and you shouldn’t either.  Here’s the headline and the first bit of article:

Stinky situation: Farting passenger on plane allegedly causes flight to turn around

A gassy man apparently caused a big stink aboard an American Airlines fight, according to a viral social media post.

The plane eventually turned around and the passenger was asked to get off the plane, Reddit user lamgalatx wrote.

We all breathed a sigh of relief when he was removed,” lamgalatx noted.

The stinky situation reportedly happened on Jan. 14 during a flight from Phoenix, Arizona to Austin, Texas.

Okay, you’ll have to click here to get the rest of it.  It’s a cute, quick, short read.  Thanks Leah.

Lynn sends us this one.  And I wonder if there is a difference between the Humane Society and the Humane Society of the United States?

You’ve probably seen ads from the Humane Society of the United States: Slow, sad music and pictures of needy dogs and cats that your donation will help—supposedly. In reality, these ads are perpetuating a massive deception on animal lovers. Only 1% of the money raised by the Humane Society of the United States is given to local pet shelters, and HSUS runs zero pet shelters of its own. Despite calling itself a “humane society,” it is not related to the numerous humane societies in towns and counties across America. Thanks to name confusion and misleading ads, however, HSUS collects millions from unsuspecting donors and local shelters get shortchanged.

How little of the money raised by HSUS goes to pet shelters in your state? The map below, which was made using data from HSUS’s tax return to determine the amount of grant money going to help local shelters care for pets. And if you’re wondering where the money does go, here’s a start: Over $100 million in Caribbean “investments,” a multimillion-dollar bribery lawsuit settlement, and a big fat paycheck for CEO Wayne Pacelle.

When I did a google search of “Is my local Humane Society affiliated with the Humane Society of the United States, I got this answer from the Humane Society of the United States:  Local Humane Societies and SPCAs are independent entities and aren’t run or overseen by the HSUS (or any other national entity).  The HSUS works with and supports local shelters in many ways, but running local animal shelters is not why we were founded.  So, do not take out your frustration of the HSUS on your local Humane Society of (fill in the blank) County that you have been supporting all this time.  Thanks Lynn!

AHHHHH ANOTHER EXCUSE TO PLAY MY FAVORITE…..!!!!!

YES!

Okay, so THIS is the article that Stephen B. sent me that I wanted to rant about!!!  But, I’m now REALLY short on time and I’m not even half way done with this issue.  So, I’ll  tell you what the subject line of the email he sent me was:  WHAT??????????   And my response was:  Unbelievable!!!!!!!!  And here’s what he sent me:

Seattle has agreed to pay $10 million to 50 demonstrators who sued over the police department’s heavy-handed response to racial justice protests in 2020, in a settlement announced by attorneys from both sides Wednesday.

Now, here’s the link: LINK  And now, you must go and read the article, because when I tell you that the police may have used a little bit of excessive force to the MOB, but I really don’t blame them.  They were NOT peaceful protestors.  This is pure craziness and just another example of  everyone buying into the whole craziness.  Sure, let’s all agree how great the emperor looks in his new clothes.

“These stupid scavenger hunts get worse every year.”

It has been said that, the average man has had sex in a car 15 times.

That’s something to keep in mind next time you’re looking for a used car.

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his five- year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaaather……………and unto the Soonnn………and into the hole he gooooes.”

RING! RING! RING!

* Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Dave…

       Is this the water department?

* Yes Ma’am, for most of this area…

       Good. I have some very technical questions to ask you about the water…

* I’ll try and help…

       Why are my nipples getting so hard?

* You’re not really serious…

       I AM SO!!  My nipples… they’re hard and they have this white coating on them!

* Uhhhh, huh… hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh… stuff…

       Not only that, they’re getting warped!

* I see…

       They used to be soft, pink and round!

* I’m sure they were…

       Now they really look disgusting!

* I’m sure they do…

      So I want to know what you’re going to do about this!

* I really don’t think I can help you. Have you discussed this with your personal physician?

       Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was from the water!

* I see… uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing this?

       He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that

* Sounds painful… can’t you just sponge them off?

       Painful?!  THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I’M TALKING ABOUT!

* Now I understand…

       Are you going to buy me new ones?

* Why would we do that?

       Because your water ruined these. My baby won’t suck them anymore. He’s been sick and I think it’s from the white stuff… he used to really suck…

* May I ask how old your baby is?

       He’s six, going on seven

* Six… and he refuses the bottle? Maybe he’s getting a little old for the bottle…

      DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!

* I wasn’t. How long have you been using these nipples?

       Since he was born

* Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in the water… kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple… and they are hard and warped because of being boiled and bitten for six years…

So! You are refusing to pay!

* Well, that’s not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest they might just be plain worn out.

       THEY WOULDN’T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!

* There is really nothing more I can do for you…

       JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?

* Well, why don’t you just run down to our main office. There you can file an insurance claim…

       What good would that do? Will they give me the money?

* They will investigate and make a judgement whether to settle or not…

       Well, you sure haven’t been any help! How do I get them to pay more attention than you have?

* Just show them your nipples!

I got Goat on a Boat…anybody got anything different?

Sir Isaac Newton may have discovered the laws of gravity, but here’s a parallel set of laws that govern moms and dads. 

A child’s behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent. 

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time.  Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time. 

The choice of a preschooler’s best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house. 

A child’s enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent’s enjoyment. 

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home. 

A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year—unless it is the only food in the fridge. 

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor. 

Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat

Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.

Confused guests constantly mistaking him for a beanbag chair.

Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

No longer cleans self unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

Catfood dish replaced with a trough.

Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.

It’s no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

She only catches mice that get trapped in her gravitational pull.

Has more chins than lives.

Joe from NJ sent me this form in email…I’m kinda hoping it was a mistake…. Joe…you got something you need to talk about, buddy?  A country you’re planning on overthrowing?

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. About you.

[_] Mr.

[_] Mrs.

[_] Ms.

[_] Miss

[_] Lt.

[_] Gen.

[_] Comrade

[_] Classified

[_] Other

First Name: …………………………………………

Initial: ……..

Last Name:……………………………………………

Password: ……………………….. (max. 8 char) Code Name:………………………………………..

Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ………. ……….

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat

[_] F-15 Eagle

[_] F-16 Falcon

[_] F-117A Stealth

[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20.. /……./…..
4. Serial Number:…………………………………..
5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package

[_] Catalogue / showroom

[_] Independent arms broker

[_] Mail order

[_] Discount store

[_] Government surplus

[_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up

[_] Store display

[_] Espionage

[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance

[_] Speed / maneuverability

[_] Price / value

[_] Comfort / convenience

[_] Kickback / bribe

[_] Recommended by salesperson

[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation

[_] Advanced Weapons Systems

[_] Backroom politics

[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America

[_] Iraq

[_] Aircraft carrier

[_] Iraq

[_] Europe

[_] Iraq

[_] Middle East (not Iraq)

[_] Iraq

[_] Africa

[_] Iraq

[_] Asia / Far East

[_] Iraq

[_] Miscellaneous Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_] Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Color TV

[_] VCR

[_] ICBM

[_] Killer Satellite

[_] CD Player

[_] Air-to-Air Missiles

[_] Space Shuttle

[_] Home Computer

[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply:)

[_] Communist / Socialist

[_] Terrorist

[_] Crazed

[_] Neutral

[_] Democratic

[_] Dictatorship

[_] Corrupt

[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending

[_] Cash

[_] Suitcases of cocaine

[_] Oil revenues

[_] Personal check

[_] Credit card

[_] Ransom money

[_] Traveler’s check

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker

[_] Sales / marketing

[_] Revolutionary

[_] Clerical

[_] Mercenary

[_] Tyrant

[_] Middle management

[_] Eccentric billionaire

[_] Defense Minister / General

[_] Retired

[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers; please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf

[_] Boating / sailing

[_] Sabotage

[_] Running / jogging

[_] Propaganda / misinformation

[_] Destabilization / overthrow

[_] Defaulting on loans

[_] Gardening

[_] Crafts

[_] Black market / smuggling

[_] Collectibles / collections

[_] Watching sports on TV

[_] Wines

[_] Interrogation / torture

[_] Household pets

[_] Crushing rebellions

[_] Espionage / reconnaissance

[_] Fashion clothing

[_] Border disputes

[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future – as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDonnell DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military, Aerospace Division.

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged, or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor, or irrational religious beliefs.

If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored.

No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email; although the Collie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert.

Notice from Microsoft: However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk, and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

NHL player who refused to wear the pride rainbow, Ivan Provarov had his jerseys completely sell out on NHL Shop and Fanatic.

America Hates Wokeness.

Does anyone remember…way back…when one of the channels on TV every night at 10 pm would come on and say, “It’s 10 p.m.  Do you know where your children are?”  I almost want to say it was NBC because I seem to remember it with the peacock.  Just checked and according to Wikipedia, which I don’t trust as far as I can throw it, from the late 60’s to the late 80’s and on a lot of different channels, so the whole peacock thing for me might have been a local thing.  And it all started because most cities started to enact a curfew in response to a rise in crime.

This is from brother Joe.  Some of this are old, but they are all cute as can be.

What do you do or say, when an innocent child asks you something completely innocent and they are so serious? These have to be original and genuine – no adult is this creative.

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. 
Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you just look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.  She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, ‘How does it know it’s me?’

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough.’

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked, ‘How much do I cost?’

MARK (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at the older lady for a while and then asked ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ Concerned, James asked, ‘What happened to the flea?’

CHARLOTTE (age 5) was the only young girl taking a karate course with a class of little boys. One night after a karate session her father noticed she was limping in pain. When he asked what was wrong, she replied, ‘I think I got kicked in the nuts.’

This particular Sunday sermon…
‘Dear Lord,’ the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, ‘Without you, we are but dust…’ He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four- year-old-girl voice, ‘Mom, what is butt dust?’

Supreme Court Rules Texas Must Replace Barbed Wire With Giant Red Carpet

U.S.·Jan 23, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

NOGALES — In yet another 5-4 decision, the United States Supreme Court has ruled that Texas must remove all barbed wire along the border and replace it with a massive, plush red carpet.

“How will migrants be able to get in the country if there’s barbed wire in the way?” said a visibly confused Justice Sotomayor. “They might get hurt! An elegant red carpet makes much more sense. It’s soft and red and can helpfully point the way to gaps along our border and make our new migrants feel welcome. It says that in the Constitution somewhere. Like, in Section 3 Article B or whatever.”

The border patrol responded to the ruling immediately and is now hard at work cutting gaps in the barbed wire fence and rolling out a red carpet across the border. “Hooo boy! This is just like in the Hollywood picture shows!” said one officer while rolling out a carpet for a small band of Al Qaeda operatives and Somali pirates. “Welcome to America, friends! You’re all stars to us!”

The ruling also specified that migrants be supplied with limousines, bodyguards, and expensive gift bags filled with face creams and jewelry. “It’s the least we could do,” said Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. “It says that in the fourth paragraph of the 38th Amendment, I’m pretty sure.”

At publishing time, Texas Governor Greg Abbott had desperately attempted to deter migrants by lining the red carpet with bear traps.

Sounds just like Orlando

Bride: “The two best things that I cook are meat loaf and apple dumplings.” 

Groom: “Which is this?”

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang.

In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table.

It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking.

The woman’s three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words.

She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband’s voice on the other end say, “Nobody’s said hello yet, but I’m positive I have the right number.”

SAN ANTONIO, TX — With the Biden administration challenging Texas’ right to defend its own border, Governor Abbott has ordered razor wire placed around The Alamo in preparation for a final stand against the feds.

“This is why we remember The Alamo,” said Governor Abbott as the wire was unrolled. “Because you never know when a senile President will refuse to allow us to defend our border from invasion. Also, because it’s a really handy marker if you get lost in downtown San Antonio. The Riverwalk gets so confusing.”

Though some questioned Governor Abbott placing The Alamo at the heart of his defenses, Texas has rallied around the governor’s plan. “Sure, the Alamo fell once,” admitted local woman Mandy Timmons. “But Davy Crockett didn’t have razor wire, or a massive, heavily-armed citizenry. I like our chances.”

According to surveys, Texans have for decades now been praying for something to finally trigger secession. “Pretty much every Texan wants to secede, we just needed a reason,” explained local man Raul Gonzales. “It always seemed like secession would be such a hassle, what with all the paperwork. I’m so glad we finally got the little nudge we needed.”

At publishing time, dozens of Texans had reported that the ghost of Davy Crockett had been seen lurking on The Alamo walls at night, watching the horizon.

“Four years ago, my cousin ran for a Member of Congress.”

“What’s he doing now?”

“Nothing. He got elected.”

Prayer for Husbands

Dear God, Keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from bargains they do not need and bargains they cannot afford.

Lead them not into temptation, for they know NOT what they do!

Prayer for Wives

Almighty Father, Keep our Husbands from looking at other women and comparing them to us.

Save them from making fools of themselves in cafés and nightclubs.

Above all, please do NOT forgive their trespasses for they know EXACTLY what they do.

A rich man went to his vicar and said, “I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I’ll have a surprise for you”. The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.

Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. “It’s the finest building money can buy, vicar,” said the man. “No expense was spared.”

And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.

But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back.

“A church with only one pew?” asked the vicar.

 “You just wait until Sunday,” the rich man said.

When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at  the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.

“Wonderful!” said the vicar, “Marvelous!”

The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into  his text and, when 12 o’clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight.

Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.

“Wonderful!” said the congregation, “Marvelous!”

Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects.

One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few minutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, “Get back in there, and don’t come out until you’re told!”

The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened.

Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.

I LOVE that one!!  And that is oh so true!

In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month programme that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills. The people were encouraged to faithfully practice these techniques.

The following year, the program was declared a complete failure; the birth rate had actually increased.

The experts were puzzled, until a survey was conducted. The survey revealed that most of the rural Chinese people were faithfully following the birth control techniques; 79% of the men were taking the pill every day, and 98% of them were carefully putting a condom on their index fingers before sex – just as demonstrated on TV.

Dear Alcohol…

First and foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you’re even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m.  Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not what to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal but why do you suggest that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie and some stale chips. (washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries)? Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:

Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down, it’s completely unnecessary. The black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures:

This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don’t like when I’m sober. Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?

5. Beer Goggles:

If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I’m with you and why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??

6. Furthermore:

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m.-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you from your biggest fan.

Joe, we really have to talk, my friend.

So, it’s now very late, I got home from picking up my Izzy Dragon a little while ago and I am ready for bed.  I was SO Mad this morning.  I had just started to have this dream about Mary and my alarm went off!  I actually shut it off and laid there and tried to go back to sleep to get back into the dream and figured I’d be late to work or even call in sick or whatever —

And I couldn’t fall back asleep.

Wow…what a disappointment.

Anyway, I got a letter from the Social Security Administration today addressed to my brother and I guess, according to the letter, he applied for disability and was approved.  According to the letter he was to start getting checks in the amount of two thousand and some odd dollars a month beginning in February.  So, of course, my first thought is they don’t know he died.  So I call and have to fight my way through their computer menu first: “Customer Service!”

“I understand you’d like to speak to someone, but if you tell me what your call is about, perhaps I can assist you quicker.”

“Um… okay… report a death.”

“Okay, I understand you’d like to plan a murder.  For pre-planned murders, press 1, for accidental deaths, press 2, for pre-planned that appear to be accidents, press 3, for suicides, press 4, for all other deaths, press 5, for something else, press 6, to hear this menu again, press the star key.”

So I press 6

“Hello, welcome to the Social Security Administration help line.  How can I be of assistance today?”

“I want to speak to a human being!”

I understand that you’d like to reek of string beans.  I’m sorry.  I’m going to have to connect you with a customer service representative since I don’t know how to handle that request.

After a truly ridiculous amount of fake computer clicks and snaps and transfer sounds like I was being switched to a switchboard on Mars and back again…I swear I wouldn’t have been surprised to have heard Lt. Uhura’s voice ask if I needed to be beamed up…another computer voice comes on and says:

We’re sorry, all of our representatives are busy helping other customers at the moment.  Your current estimated wait time will be approximately 45 minutes.  If you’d like to leave a call back number press 2 or you can stay on the line.  If you leave a call back number, you will not lose your place in line.

Now, I’ve never had great luck leaving a call back number so I almost always hang on the line and let the hold music play, but theirs’s was some truly horrendous and scratchy hold music.  So I took a chance, recorded my name and they already had my number and I hung up.  I figured if I did get a call back it would be twice what they told me.  But surprisingly, right at around the 45 minute mark, (I didn’t really time it all that accurately, but it was fairly close) I got a call back and was put on hold again for about 5 minutes and this great guy named Michael came on the line.  He actually was helpful and nice, spoke English and actually joked back at me when I cracked wise with him.  So, that’s the good news.  The bad news is that SSA screwed up big time.  Because when I told Michael what was going on, he told me that they already knew my brother was dead.  I said, “Oh good.  So you guys have a handle on this and I won’t worry about it.”  He he said no, I’m going to put you on hold for a minute and check on something.  That proceeded to be me on hold for 25 minutes on and off for the next 30 minutes of our phone call.  The bottom line being that yes, they knew he was dead, but somebody decided to send him payments every month anyway.  Now, they owe his estate back pay for when he was still alive, but they haven’t even figured out yet how much that is.  This was not back pay they were sending him.  This was his regular monthly disability pay.  Even though they knew he was dead.  Like Michael told me, if I hadn’t called them and got this stopped before it started and the checks started showing up, the paperwork mess for his estate (for ME!) would have been HUGE!  Even though it was them that messed up.  He said the only thing he can figure is that some new kid at the local office messed up and did the wrong paperwork.

I told him that would have been in Florida, and Florida is such a screwed up state that it wouldn’t surprise me at all!  It is SO bad there, I can’t see how anyone lives there!

And there was a long pause on the phone and I said, “I’m gonna feel really crappy if you live or are from Florida.”  and he comes back with, “Tallahassee”.  And there’s another long silence on the line and then he starts cracking up and he says, “Nah, I’m just kidding.” and we both laugh and that’s what I mean that he poked back, which I thought was GREAT!

Anyway.  That was my adventure with the SSA today, and now I’m falling asleep and you guys are going to be able to read this in about 2 hours so I need to hit the rack.  May God Bless you and Keep you until we can meet again.  And may Goodness and Mercy follow you all the days of your life.

And like Yukon Cornelius told me just a little while ago, read your Bibles people!  And pray!