So, I started putting this together and before I got anywhere at all I got sucked down a YouTube rabbit hole of  Karens being arrested and stupid drivers and stuff like that and before I knew it the whole hour I was going to dedicate to this was gone.  And now I have to take the dogs out and go and get Izzy from work and go to bed so I can get up and go to work in the morning.  We are at the beginnings of an ice storm for over night so maybe I’ll get a base delay or maybe even a base closure for tomorrow and I’ll have some time to work on this tomorrow morning…we’ll see.  So, until then.  God bless you my friends.

So, where was I … oh, yeah, well, we did get delayed this morning, but not enough for me to do any work on this.  It’s not Tuesday night and I have to get this finished tonight or it won’t get done because I have jail tomorrow night.  We did get an ice storm… sort of.  It wasn’t as bad as everyone worried, but it was still pretty bad.

Anyway, long story short, I need to get this issue going so you guys have something to read on Thursday.  I’ll try not to rant too much, but there are a couple of things I want to talk about, so we’ll see how that goes.  In the mean time…

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all your crose.” So she did. “Now, get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of room.” So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, “OK now crawl reery fass to me.” So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said “Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.”

Confused, the woman asked, “What is Ed Zachary Disease?”

Dr. Chang replied, “It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.”

This is from Stephen B.

I saw your post about the Loch Ness soup ladle.    Here is a picture of a Loch Ness Monster I made for my son at the request of my daughter in law…..(it is carved in 4 different parts.)

I think it is adorable!

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete’s abilities.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say,

“Oops, gotta run!”

I really need to check into this!  Or even better, have one of my many Dragon Laffs fact checkers out there check on it for me.  Any takers?

Just because it’s a beautiful pictures

Two girls were discussing pranks they had played on people in the past while waiting for a bus.

After they boarded a crowded bus and one of them whispered to the other, “Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat.”

Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily.

“My dear Mr. Wilson,” she gushed, “fancy meeting you on the bus. Am I glad to see you. Why, you’re almost a stranger. My, but I’m tired.”

The sedate gentleman looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before, but he rose and said pleasantly, “Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn’t often I see you on washday.

No wonder you’re tired. Being pregnant isn’t easy. By the way, don’t deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the Lawyer’s office to see whether she can get your husband out of jail.”

The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it

I was greeted with ” is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss” not sounding anything like my name, so I said who is calling?

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber band Powered Freezer company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he calling this number.

I then said off to the side, “get really good pictures of the body and all the blood” then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shakey voice.

I then told him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn’t tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but after what I had pulled, very enjoyable.

Okay, before someone else points it out, this is quite obviously a rip-off of Tom Mabe from the famous Bob and Tom show out of Indianapolis.  Right here:

A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.

When asked what he would do if released, he replied, “I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place.”

Obviously, his release was denied.

Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. “I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place”

Again, he was turned down.

Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.

The patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”

So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready. So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out.

But this time he was ready. He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down.”

“Good,” they said, and then what?”

He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”

They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?

“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed.”

“Yes?”, the board said excitedly.

“Then I am going to gently remove her panties,” he continued.

The board members were really getting excited now and asked, “Then what are you going to do?”

He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!”

“We are willing to purchase ALL the girl scout cookies you can acquire … and we don’t care HOW you acquire them!”

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business.

Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds.  Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem.

The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill.  The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of… “dye a rhea.”

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

-Voltaire (1694-1778)

YEAH BABY!!!

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern education and expanded government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Re-classifying the dead horse as “living-impaired.”
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
15. As a last resort, sell it on Ebay.

And I deal with some of these strategies every single day.

Absolutely the PERFECT response!!

A truck driver, who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job.  

He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. 

Upon his arrival at the workers’ compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.  

Assessor:  “I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.” 
Trucker:  “Yeah, I feel really sick.” 

Assessor:  “All right then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?” 
Trucker:  “Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.” 

Assessor:  “And what about the cabin in which you drive?”
Trucker:  “Oh yeah. That’s lead lined, all lead lined.”

Assessor:  “What about the waste itself?  Where is that kept?” 
Trucker:  “Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.” 

Assessor:  “Let me see if I get this straight.  You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.” 
Trucker:  “Yeah, that’s right.  All lead.” 

Assessor:  “Then I can’t see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.” 
Trucker:  “I’m not suing for radiation poison.  I claiming for lead poisoning!” 

Women always say some snide little comments when they catch their guy looking at a cute girl.

Bills wife caught him last week. She said, “You look like a kid in a candy store!”

Thank God Bill is witty. He came right back with, “Yeah, well, I’m married now so, I’m a kid with diabetes in a candy store.”

TEN THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a hoot.
3. How about “never?” Is “never” good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
5. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the mess-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
9. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
10. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear.

“You filthy pervert!” she shrieked. “What makes you think I’d let you do a thing like that to me?”

Then her eyes narrowed and she said, “Unless you’re the s.o.b. that stole my diary…”

Despite the old saying, “Don’t take your troubles to bed,” many women still sleep with their husbands.

I loved that one!

Sometimes you might feel like no one’s there for you, but you know who’s always there for you?

Laundry.

Laundry will always be there for you.

Nostalgia was a lot better back in MY day.

“Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.”

[Terrible joke.  Only three stars.]

You can’t hang with me if you’re going to cry every time they handcuff us.

Guess who cleaned their house today!!

Not me, but someone did and I’m proud of you!

Just got my shot for Shingles.  
Just to be safe I got one for Vinyl Siding, too.

“Allow me to slip into something more comfortable.”
[Gets in my car and leaves]

Not me!  That’s crazy!!

Okay, so I want to bring one more thing up.  Did you guys hear about the two Navy Seals who drowned?  Even the American Legion is apparently buying into this farce.  Why farce?  Well, supposedly they tell us that one of them fell over board and the other one went in after him to try and save him and they both disappeared and can’t be found and are presumed drowned.  That was the first story that came out.  The American Legion email that I got referenced a Stars and Stripes article that says that the Seals seized an unflagged ship carrying illicit Iranian-made weapons.  While boarding the ship, one of the Seals went under in the heavy seas and a teammate went in to save him.

Now, add to that the article states that the seals were backed on this mission by drones and helicopters.

And it comes out today when they identified the men that one was 37 years old with like 10 years of being a seal and the other was 27 with a couple of years of experience.  Both of them were highly decorated.

Here’s where I as a surfer, sailor and someone who spent a LOT of time on the water as a younger person, and apparently MANY in the SEAL community have a problem with this “story”.  Seals wear floatation devices.  They also wear locator beacons.  Seals spend half their life in the water, if one of them were to fall in the water, why would another feel like he had to go in after him?  And if they had so much gear on that they would sink quickly, like some had postulated, they would be trained in how to quickly get out of that gear.  It also doesn’t explain why they couldn’t be located since the locator beacon is also an integral part of their uniform.  Heck, as an old man, I could stay afloat for several hours with NO floatation device in any kind of seas even now and these guys spend, like I said, half their breathing hours in the water and are in the best shape of their lives!

So, I’m sorry.  I’m throwing the BS flag on this play.  Someone is lying to us about something.  This did NOT go down the way they said it did.  

Anybody care to argue with me over this?

And that’s all I’ve got for today my friends.  Time to call it a night.  I’ve still got a ton of stuff to do before I can call it a night.  My Love to you all.  May our God Bless you with Peace and Comfort until we meet again.