Lots of nice comments about the last issue and the Whelplings artwork.  Thanks very much.  This episode is going to be even quicker than the last one.  I’ve had a very…um…full week.  I finished up Thursday’s issue on Tuesday, then spent all day on Wednesday either at work or at the jail with my ministry, which is going really well.  Then on Thursday, I was at work and at Thursday night ministry at the church, which is also going really well.  And in the meantime, the spirit is causing me to write…pushing me to make points to, well, to be honest, to myself and to other people.  I got hit with the same theme like five times this week and then I read Matthew 7 in the middle of my normal bible study and had to stop in the middle of it to call up a blank page and start writing.  A little later on I’ll let you read it.  In the mean time, let’s get started laughing or you guys won’t have anything at all to read tomorrow morning.

“Dad, who built the Suez Canal?”

“I don’t know, son.”

“Dad, who discovered penicillin?”

“I’ve no idea, son.”

“Dad, what’s the capital of Italy?”

“I ain’t got a clue, son.”

“Dad, you don’t mind me asking all these questions do you?”

“Of course not, son. If you don’t ask, you won’t learn anything.”

First golfer:  “What was your score?”

Beginner: “Seventy-two.  It’s not too bad, I guess, but I hope I’ll do better on the second hole.”

Doug went to a psychiatrist and said, “Doc, I’m really worried about my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture.

“The psychiatrist said, “Well I wouldn’t worry about that. It’s probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?”

Doug said, “Her driver’s license.”

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one.

“No,” another contended.  “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the third insisted.  “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

“Hey, fellas,” he interrupted, “the best prayin’ I ever did was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.

“The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.”

Marty Feldman  (1934-1982)

United Kingdom Law

Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin.

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.

The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.

Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, “Whenever it breaks.”

It was the night of the worst blizzard of the year. The streets were filled with drifting snow, and the winds were howling fiercely. A man, covered with snow and frost, enters a bakery.

He says to the baker, “I’ll have one roll.” The baker wraps the one roll and asks if there’s anything else he can get him.

“No, that’s it,” says the man, “just one roll.”

The baker says, “You came out on the worst night of the year to buy just one roll?”

The man says, “Yes, for just one roll.”

The baker asks, “Are you married?”

The man says, “Of course I am. Do you think my mother would send me out on a night like this?”

Andy: Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row… 

Psychiatrist: Hold it, Andy. That doesn’t sound so terrible. 

Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end…

How many times do we have to see a crowd of defenseless people die before we realize being defenseless isn’t the answer?

TREASON

You don’t steal an election, give money and weapons to the Taliban, destroy your military, destroy the food supply, destroy energy and gas, disassemble your border and encourage an invasion of your own country and it NOT be a TREASONOUS act against your own country and people.

ONLY an IDIOT would cut off oil from an ALLY and buy it from an ENEMY who CALLS FOR YOUR DEATH at their morning Prayers.

HEAVEN has a wall, a gate, and a strict immigration policy.  HELL has open borders.  Let that sink in.

That is adorable!!!

A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse’s trainer.

The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn’t win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.

The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.

The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack! So the jockey gives the horse a sharp thwap on the shoulder.

 Nothing.

He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.

Nothing.

He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.

The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says “Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk”!

MAN RULES

• Men are NOT mind readers. 
• Learn to work the toilet seat.
  • You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. 
  • We need it up, you need it down.
  • You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down
• Sunday sports:  
  • It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
  • Let it be.
• Crying is blackmail
• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: 
  • Subtle hints do not work!
  • Strong hints do not work!
  • Obvious hints do not work! 
  • Just say it!
• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  
  • That’s what we do.
  • Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 
  • In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
• If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
• You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both..
  • If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
• Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials… 
• Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
• ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. 
  • Peach, is a fruit, not A color.  
  • Pumpkin is also a fruit.  
  • We have no idea what mauve is.
• If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
• If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. 
  • We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 
• If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really . 
• Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
• You have enough clothes.  You have too many shoes.
• I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!
• Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; 
  • But did you know men really don’t mind that?  It’s like camping.

I write down everything I want to remember.

That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.

POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please… while others are preparing to go.

10.Don’t take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

When Steph was about five she and I were headed to McDonald’s one day. 

On the way we passed a terrible car accident. 

Usually when we see something like that, we would say a prayer for those who might be hurt. 

So I pointed to the accident and said, “We should pray.”

From the back seat I heard her heartfelt prayer:  “Please, God, don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.”

See Stephanie, I remember, even all the way back to when we were little and growing up together!

Practice Safe Fax

Q.  Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A.  Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q.  How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A.  Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.

Q.  My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo’s to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A.  Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.

Q.  If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A.  Certainly not. As far as we can see.

Q.  There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A.  Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a “professional” when their needs become too great.

Q.  Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A.  Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.

Q.  What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A.  Don’t panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won’t mind if you try again.

Q.  I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A.  Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won’t transmit anything you’re not supposed to.

Q.  Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A.  No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.

Q.  There is a man I’d very much like to fax (I’ve tried several times) but he can’t seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A.  You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.

A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens.

The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price.

“This looks great,” said the young doctor. “I just can’t figure out how you’re able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on.”

“It’s just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic,” replied the older medico. “For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year.

My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic.”

“But that doesn’t explain this fine house and all this land,” said the younger man.

The elder doc replied, “That’s where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever, right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don’t look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them.”

He continued, “I’ll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course, that’s just the beginning. A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they’re looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working.”

“Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!”

Sir Laurie Blodgett, Professor of Sexual Physiology at Oxford, was lecturing his class: “And so, gentlemen, as you can see through a consideration of the anatomical possibilities, there are precisely seventy-six distinct positions possible in the sex act. If we classify these positions –“

At this point, however, a deferential French student rose in the back of the classroom and said, “Monsieur le Professeur, I am sorry to be forced to interrupt you, but there are, actually, seventy-seven distinct positions possible.”

Professor Blodgett regarded the French student with a frown. “My dear young man,” he said, “my statement reflects long and serious research in the field by many of the most highly respected authorities, men of age and experience. We are ignoring mirror images and trivial variations, of course”

“Of course, Monsieur le Professeur. But I too, speak with knowledge. The fact is that I, myself — I who am speaking to you at this moment — can personally, of my own experience, vouch for the existence of seventy-seven.”

“Well,” said Professor Blodgett, “in a dispute such as this there is an easy way of settling the matter. I will carefully describe the seventy-six distinct positions, and when I am done I will ask you to describe a seventy-seventh, different from all the rest. The remaining students in the class will, I trust, keep careful count and judge between us.”

“Begin, Monsieur,” said the Frenchman.

“I will,” said the professor. “We will start with the prime-basic, or common, position: woman horizontal-dorsal, man horizontal-ventral, parallel in line and direction through a vertical axis of symmetry –“

“Sacrebleu,” cried the Frenchman, “seventy-eight!”

So, and lest you thought I forgot, this is the perfect spot and time to copy the short essay that I wrote the other night through prompting of the Holy Spirit.  It is quite self-explanatory.  I hope you enjoy.