I’m so proud! What you see, in the above header, was created by none-other than my son, the Whelpling! He is playing with an AI program that he uses and wanted to make me my own Impish Dragon instead of using other peoples version and this is what he came up with after a little bit of work this morning bouncing ideas back and forth. I think it’s pretty good. Now, that’s not to say that I’m not willing to entertain other ideas…any of you other budding artists out there think you have what it takes to draw me?
I know what you are all thinking. Why not just take a picture of me and be done with it? The problem is that I just don’t have time to be posing for all the different situations where I find myself needing to be for headers for the ezine and advertisements for the company and product endorsements and movie industry … no wait…I can’t talk about that one. Anyway, it’s just so much easier to have a … shall we say, cartoon mascot for the ezine. And I think that the Whelpling did a GREAT job…but maybe it’s not quite there yet. And maybe it is. What do you guys think?
But for now…
I agree…so much I agree!
That is so adorable. The look on the baby’s face is so precious!
All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors
– Anon
Okay, I’m not ready for ANY of those yet!
This one is from our buddy Joe from NJ…and I agree with him.
One of my all time favorites!
________________
Rick and Ron in a bar…
One says “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead!”
“Wooo, what the heck happened to him?”
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“What a horrible way to die!”
“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”
“Man, what a way to go!”
“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”
“Now that is one awful way to go!”
“No no, he survived that, he …”
“Hold on now, just how the heck did he die?”
“I shot him!”
“You shot him? What the heck did you shoot him for?”
“He was wrecking my freaking house.”
I agree! Great one! Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse!
Like any good cartoon, it’s the little things that matter…like the picture on the wall behind them…
A little old lady was selling seashells on a street corner.
One afternoon a well dressed man passed by her, and she grabbed his arm. “How about some nice seashells?” she asked. “No, thank you,” the man replied.
Suddenly the woman clutched her throat and fell to the pavement, “What’s wrong?” asked the man. “I’m going fast,” the old woman wheezed. “Please buy some shells.”
Deeply touched, the man handed over enough money for all the shells just before her eyes slid peacefully shut.
The next day the man was walking down a neighboring street and saw the woman again vending her wares.
“Hey,” he yelled to a nearby police officer, “I thought she passed away yesterday.”
The officer smiled knowingly. “Ah, but you were conned,” he said “You see, she sells seashells by the seizure.
Okay, so that’s me in the passenger seat and Izzy driving. And it could just as easily have been me saying, “You just ran over that man!!” and then her, “Well, he shouldn’t have been standing there!!!” and me again, “You’re driving on the sidewalk!!” And I just read this to her and she didn’t appreciate my humor at all. But, a true artist is never appreciated in his own time.
Ten Signs That Your Life Is About To Change:
- While watching the news, you spot your spouse marching in a Gay Pride parade.
- The bank notifies you that your paycheck has bounced.
- On a densely foggy morning, while driving in the center lane of a highway, you suddenly run out of gas.
- You arrive at your wedding to find, two ushers, four bridesmaids, and six pallbearers.
- You ask your doctor for a physical and he replies, “I’m sorry, I dont do autopsies.”
- The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and the invitation begins with “Dear Weenie…”.
- While surfing the internet, you suddenly get the following diaglogue box: “ICBM launch successful. Confirm strike? (Y/N)”.
- You receive an invitation from the Oval Office to “chew the fat”.
- You hear that your dentist has been arrested for using radioactive material as tooth-filling.
- At the vacant house next door, you notice a U-haul van and a truck which looks very similar to the one on the Beverly Hillbillies.
- Your twelve-year-old daughter suddenly develops a craving for pickles and ice cream.
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention.
When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.
Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation.
To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”
“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”
The CEO was scheduled to give the keynote address at an important convention so he asked one of his top employees, Goldberg, to write a punchy, 20 minute speech for him.
When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. “What’s the idea of writing me an hour long speech?!” he demanded. “Half the audience walked out before I was finished.”
Goldberg was baffled. “I wrote you a 20 minute speech,” he replied. I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”
Whether you and your wife are newlyweds or have been married for several years, this thought has, at one point or another, crossed your mind: “Is my wife planning to murder me?” Though determining the answer is not easy, there are warning signs.
- She listens to podcasts about wives murdering their husbands: Sure, many wives do this, but your wife takes notes. Not good!
- She always says things like “If you died, would you want me to remarry?”: Yeah, it’s over for you.
- She has a large collection of Stanley tumblers that are heavy and sturdy and would make a great blunt weapon: Have you seen the size of those things?
- Her Amazon wish list includes hydrofluoric acid and large plastic barrels: We both know what those are for.
- She keeps encouraging you to get the COVID-19 vaccine: Those things kill.
- She asks you to lie down in the trunk of her car: “Just to see how much cargo space it has,” she says.
- She has an oddly specific fitness goal of being able to deadlift exactly your body weight: Why would she need to only lift that much?
- She planned a romantic date to that old abandoned mine on the outskirts of town: “It’ll be great. There won’t be anyone else around.”
- She books you a window seat ticket on Alaska Airlines: Even though she knows you prefer the aisle.
- She’s currently sharpening an axe on the kitchen counter: Run!
While none of the items listed above is a guarantee she’s trying to kill you, the odds are not in your favor. Keep your eyes peeled, chief.
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to ‘God, USA’ they decided to send the letter to the President. The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note to God which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington DC and, as usual, those guys deducted $95.00.
A rich American tourist was vacationing in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot’s ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear…
“I thought I told you yesterday to get the hell out of here.”
Well, I meant to get to this earlier, but better late than never. This comment is from Saturday’s issue..
To be honest, Dragon, I don’t get the Michelangelo meme (despite one of your readers trying to explain it); nor do I get Bowery Boys reference.
Must be the stupid pill I took this morning.
Keep up the good work!!!
Well Sammye, I’m assuming your talking about this Michelangelo meme:
Maybe this will help…This is also Michelangelo…
And the Bowery Boys reference had to do with one of the characters always using the wrong idiom or word at the wrong time, just like the joke did….like irregardless and stuff. It was a very old TV show that us older folks watched when we were kids… in fact … Kris says…
I was never a fan of the Bowery Boys.
It wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea.
He noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love,
your son,
Josh
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report card that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home
I’ve often wondered what people have against the horse I rode in on.
A man was telling his buddy over coffee, “You won’t believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, “Dad, do not pay off my college tuition loan, cancel my allowance, throw away all my clothes and take my iPhone and laptop. In addition, please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and lock me out of your house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone you choose.”
“Holy Smokes”, replied the friend, “She actually said that?”
The father replied, “Well, she didn’t actually put it quite like that. I’m paraphrasing a little. “What she actually said was, Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We’re going to work together on Biden’s 2024 re-election campaign.”
A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event.
Some best friends have matching tattoos, but me and my bestie have matching mental issues.
And that is it my friends. Until next time.
Dragon Laffs 
Loved your son’s art. He’s clearly got talent. For the rest, I thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated the humor throughout. I most strongly agree with the comment on “Harry & Meghan”.
One of you Bet, Thanks, just what I needed.
Thanks, Dragon. Never knew anything about the turtles (I knew they existed, that’s about it). I remember the Bowery Boys — like Kris stated, they weren’t my cup of tea.