There are many things that are presented on this site that are funny, controversial, personal, … but the thing that amazes me more than anything else, is the way that you guys respond to what gets posted.  Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about.  Here’s just a couple of comments that I read just a few minutes ago before I started this issue:

Thanks Evan,  I’m glad you enjoyed the issue.  And yeah…the lawsuit…which is still hanging over my head.  My lawyer friend has called them, left messages with them, emailed them, and as of the writing of this current line, they have not gotten back with her.  So…I don’t know what to do.  She’s doing this as a favor.  I guess if I don’t hear from them by the middle of next week, I will call their office and let them know that we have repeatedly reached out to them to resolve this issue and they have not responded, so I will write back to the court and let them know the same thing.  That we tried not to waste the court’s time and this is the response we got.  See if that doesn’t rattle some cages.

Anyway, the caring and understanding that you guys show to me is way above what I think other web owners get.  And I appreciate that to no end.  So, without further ado…

Oh Great!  Here we go with this stuff again.  You really expect us to believe that These things really exist?  I know I’m just a simple dragon…well…now that I think about it, my cousin Eddie was rumored to have had an affair with a common sparrow…

Now this one…I think my ex-wife kept this one as a pet…just for me.

This next one is so good!  

Thanks Stephanie!

Me either!

And this tree looks absolutely terrified!

Not sure if you’re into this sort of thing, but here’s an article that gives you a short little description on Creepy Urban Legends From Each U.S. State. https://www.insider.com/urban-legends-us-2018-1

Yes, yes it did!

Yes, it’s a mean joke, but doesn’t mean it isn’t funny

If it were only so…

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer guy and still think they are sexy.

Another mean but funny one

Okay, for this next one, we tried, truly we did, to find this on YouTube because we really wanted you to watch it and we didn’t want you to have to expend any more effort than necessary to go and find it.  But, we couldn’t…find it on YouTube that is.  So, you are going to have to click on the link.  And you are being HIGHLY ENCOURAGED TO DO SO!!!  It is well worth the watch.  And read the captions.  It is GREAT!  Thanks to Stephanie for sending this one in.   https://www.facebook.com/share/r/fDH3TBjQAYCKH36y/?mibextid=D5vuiz

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just  can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

  ~ Hemant Joshi

Well, how do you send interoffice memos at work?

Okay, the above little meme doesn’t do this next joke justice.  And me jumping up and down and yelling, “I love this one!  I love this one!  I love this one!” Doesn’t really do it either.  This is absolutely one of the funniest jokes I’ve ever read in my lifetime.  If you’ve never read this one before, you are in for a treat and if you have, you are still in for a treat:

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

Poor planning indeed!  I laughed so hard!

Bernie had never been on a deep-sea fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he’d ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful?

With every pitch and roll, Bernie wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

One of the deckhands came up to him and said, “Don’t worry, young fella.  Nobody ever died of seasickness.”

“Oh noooo!!” Bernie wailed… “You’ve just taken away my last hope for relief!”

I’ve known many people who get motion sickness.  And apparently Joe, who sent in this one, is one of them because he entitled his email, “Been There”.  Izzy suffers from it.  On a long car ride she will have to occasionally ask to pull over so she can jump out and throw up.  Personally, I don’t get it myself. 

I’m the guy that loves the monster rollercoasters and stuff.  In fact, I had a chance to have an incentive flight in a T-38 when stationed at Holloman AFB, NM. 

They told us not to eat a greasy breakfast, to just eat something bland because they knew how mean the pilots could be.  Not me, I had bacon and over easy eggs and hash browns for breakfast.

Well, unbeknownst to us, the pilots had a bet that whoever couldn’t make their rider puke had to buy the beer. 

We were a five ship flight, that is to say a four aircraft flyover for a retreat ceremony with an inflight spare.  I was in the spare.  So while the other four jets were flying really close to the ground in formation over the flag, my jet was way up high in an over watch position.  My pilot said, “There they are, can you see them?”  I said no, so he flipped the jet upside down and pointed up out of the top of the canopy at the ground and we flew upside watching downward through the top of the canopy as they flew over the flag.  I thought that was cool.  He was upset that it didn’t bother me, but he wasn’t done playing tricks. 

After the flyover the five jets flew out to the desert to play dogfight and chase each other through the sky.  We were all maintenance guys doing the ride alongs and we were made of pretty tough stuff…or so we thought. 

Well, it got to the point that the pilots were getting desperate when none of us were puking, so #1 asks the controller for permission to  do a loop.  You have to ask permission because of the changes in altitude that you do.  A loop is pretty tough on your stomach because you pull all kinds of gees going up into the loop and then suddenly you’re weightless at the top and coming down the other side for just a short little while and then you’re hit with even more gees as you pull up out of the loop.  When you drive down the highway at high speeds and you hit the dips in the road and your tummy goes whoop.  Like that only multiplied by a gazillion. 

Anyway, #1 does a loop and then we hear over the radio, “My guy’s puking!”  Then #2 does a loop and “My guys puking!” same for 3 and 4.  Well, now it’s our turn and my pilot asks me over the intercom if I want to do a loop and I say, “Sure!” And we do a loop and he’s listening for the sounds of retching and what he hears instead is, “Let’s do it again!”  He did barrel rolls, and stuff I’ve never even heard of trying to get me to throw up.  It was the greatest ride I’ve ever had.  Needless to say he bought the beer.  It was like the world’s biggest rollercoaster.  He let me fly for a little bit.  It was great fun. 

So yeah, I don’t understand the whole seasickness thing or motion sickness or whatever.  But, I think it has to do with growing up on boats and surf boards and the like.  Maybe that’s the key.  Start when you’re little.  I don’t know.

Yeah, I’m not sure…maybe it was supposed to go along with a story or something.

People wonder why are they paid so much for just being on the phone. Take a look:

—————————————————

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”

Customer “Ok.”

Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”

Customer “No.”

Tech Support:: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”

Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”

—————————————————

Customer: “I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.”

Tech Support:: “Did you install the update?”

Customer: “No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?”

—————————————————

Customer:: “I’m having trouble installing Microsoft  Word.”

Tech Support:: “Tell me what you’ve done.”

Customer: “I typed ‘A:SETUP’.”

Tech Support:: “Ma’am, remove the disk and tell me  what it says.”

Customer:: “It says ‘[PC manufacturer] Restore and  Recovery disk’.”

Tech Support:: “Insert the MS Word setup disk.”

Customer:: “What?”

Tech Support: “Did you buy MS word?”

Customer: “No…”

—————————————————

Customer:: “Do I need a computer to use your software?”

Tech Support:: ?!%#$

—————————————————

Tech Support:: “Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?”

Customer: “Wow. How can you see my screen from  there?”

—————————————————

Tech Support:: “What type of computer do you have?”

Customer:: “A white one.”

——————————————————————–

Tech Support:: “Type ‘A:’ at the prompt.”

Customer:: “How do you spell that?”

—————————————————

Tech Support: “Is your computer on a separate telephone line?”

Customer: “No.” (clicks the button to log on to our service) Tech Support:: “Well then we can’t-“

Customer:: “It says ‘no dial tone’.”

Tech Support: “That’s because you’re on the line  with me right now. You need to-“

Customer:: “No, that’s not it. It does this all the  time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through.”

Tech Support:: “No, ma’am. It’s not even trying to dial right now because you’re on the phone with me.”

Customer: “It must be busy. I’ll try again later.”

—————————————————

Tech Support: “What’s on your screen right now?”

Customer: “A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store.”

—————————————————

Tech Support:: “What operating system are you  running?”

Customer: “Pentium.”

—————————————————

Customer: “My computer’s telling me I performed an  illegalabortion.”

—————————————————

Customer: “I have Microsoft Exploder.”

—————————————————

Customer: “How do I print my voicemail?”

—————————————————

Customer: “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”

Tech Support: “What does it say?”

Customer: “Something about an error and non-system disk.”

Tech Support: “Look at your machine. Is there a  floppy inside?”

Customer: “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.”

—————————————————

Tech Support: “Just call us back if there’s a problem. We’re open 24 hours.”

Customer: “Is that Eastern time?”

—————————————————

Tech Support:: “What does the screen say now?”

Customer: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”

Tech Support:: “Well?”

Customer: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

While in a very exclusive jewelry store, the shoplifter was caught attempting to steal a watch.

“Look,” said the shoplifter, “Neither of us want any trouble. How about I just buy the watch and we can forget all about this?”

Agreeing, the manager made up a sales slip. The shoplifter looked at the slip and said, “Actually, this is a little more than I had intended to spend. Could you show me something a little less expensive?”

Sasquatch sent this one with the subject line of “Wow….”  and I agree with him…100%

Ever since I was a child I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, “I’ve got problems, every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.” 

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink.

“Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I’ll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street, he asked, “Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?

“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”

With a bit of an attitude he said, “Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody there now.”

It’s always better to get a second opinion.

And environment that is not safe to disagree in is not an environment focused on growth – it’s an environment focused on control.

~ Wendi Jade

When the conversation is about guns, they pretend to care about “the children.”

When the conversation is about abortion, they can’t kill “the children” fast enough.

Scientists have discovered several new species of Poison Ivy:  Harvard, Yale, Penn and Princeton.

The Media went through Kavanaugh’s High School Yearbooks but they can’t be bothered with Hunter’s Laptop.

Last week there were 36.82 million deer hunters running around with guns.  NOT one mass shooting took place – FACT!

SO NOW BURING A GAY FLAG IS CALLED A “HATE CRIME” but burning the American Flag is FREE SPEECH!!!

I actually got this suggestion from several different people.  And rather than having someone threaten to sue me … again, I’ll just give you a tease and you’ll have to click on the link to read the rest of it.

The Babylon Bee’s Predictions For 2024

Dread it. Run from it. 2024 has arrived all the same. But fear not as the team at The Babylon Bee has been hard at work for you coming up with the most probable, and completely accurate 2024 predictions to help you make it through the New Year.

And remember, it’s just an election year. How crazy could it be?

January 3 – Kamala becomes President after Biden passes away peacefully in his sleep underneath her pillow

January 4 – Biden revealed to only be mostly dead, regains Presidency

January 6 – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dies again

January 9 – David French publishes revolutionary op-ed “The Conservative Case For Only Supporting Progressive Causes”

January 23 – Streaming services all band together to provide content bundled for $180/month, finally letting you get rid of cable

So, that’s January… for the rest of the year’s predictions, go here:  https://babylonbee.com/news/the-babylon-bees-predictions-for-2024?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=email

Okay, so I think I’ve found another favorite joke of all time.  Thanks for this one Joe.

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parent’s house on Christmas Eve.

I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays.

I thought my mother and by date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees.

So, I was wrong.

Sue me.

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation. “I know these family things can be a little weird,” I told her, “but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve.”

“Sounds fine to me, ” Karen said.

I had only known by mother for 31 years when I told her I’d be bringing Karen with me. “She’s a very nice girl and she’s really looking forward to meeting all of you”

“Sounds fine to me, ” my mother said.

And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me’s. What more could I want ?

I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the entire year – an Italian woman’s raison d’etre. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for. I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn’t clean. She doesn’t cook. She doesn’t bake. And she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being.

I brought her anyway.

7:00 PM we arrive. Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother grills Karen like a cheeseburger and cannily determines that Karen does not clean, cook, or bake.

My father equally observant. He pulls me into the living room and notes, “She has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being.”

7:30 PM Others arrive – Uncle Ziti walks in with my Aunt Mafalde, assorted kids, assorted gifts.

We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black olives, salami, prosciutto, provolone and anchovies

When I offer to make Karen’s plate she says “Thank you. But none of those things, okay?” She points to the anchovies. “You don’t like anchovies?” I asked. “I don’t like fish,” Karen announces to one and all as 67 other varieties of foods-that-swim are baking, broiling, and simmering in the next room

My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things are getting uncomfortable.

Aunt Mafalde asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve. Karen says “Knockwurst.”

My father, who is still staring in a daze, at Karen’s chest, temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, “Knockers?” My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot.

None of this is turning out the way I’d hoped.

8:00 PM Second course – The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen declines on the crab sauce and says she’ ll make her own with butter and ketchup. My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my “Merry Christmas” napkin from my lap, and place it on the “Merry Christmas” tablecloth and walk into the kitchen.

“I don’t want to start any trouble”, my mother says calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands. “But if she pours this on my pasta, I’m gong to throw acid in her face.”

“Come on,” I tell her. “It’s Christmas. Let her eat what she wants.”

My mother considers the situation, then nods. As I turn to walk back into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder.

“Tell me the truth,” she says, “are you serious with this tramp?”

“She’s not a tramp,” I reply. “And I’ve only known her for three weeks.”

“Well, it’s your life”, she tells me, “but if you marry her, she’ll poison you “.

8:30 PM More fish….My stomach is knotted like one of those macrame plant hangers that are always three times larger that the plants they hold.

All the women get up to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen, who instead lights up a cigarette.

“Why don’t you give them a little hand?” I politely suggest. Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks.

“Dear, you don’t have to do that”, my mother tells her, smiling painfully.

“Oh, okay,” Karen says, putting the forks on the sink. As she re-enters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head and smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says “Whoops.”

I vaguely remember that line from Torch Song Trilogy. “Whoops?” No. “Whoops is when you fall down an elevator shaft.”

More fish comes out. After some groaning, Karen tries a piece of scungilli which she describes as “slimy, like worms.”

My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home.

Aunt Mafalde does the same. Karen, believing this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her chest.

My Uncle Ziti doesn’t know what to make of it. My father’s dentures fall out and chew a six-inch gash in the tablecloth.

10:00 PM Coffee, dessert …. Expresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Karen, believing that this is something all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it.

“This is fun,” Karen says. Fun? No. Fun is when you fall down an elevator shaft. But amazingly, everyone is laughing and smiling and filled with good cheer – even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder and says, “Get the bitch out of my house” 

Sounds fine to me.

As opposed to,,,???

Christmas Oddities

In Italy they have no Christmas trees, instead they decorate small wooden pyramids with fruit.

In Caracas, the capital city of Venezuela, it is customary for the streets to be blocked off on Christmas eve so that the people can roller-skate to church.

An artificial spider and web are often included in the decorations on Ukrainian Christmas trees. A spider web found on Christmas morning is believed to bring good luck.

It is a British Christmas tradition that a wish made while mixing the Christmas pudding will come true only if the ingredients are stirred in a clockwise direction.

A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.

Sending red Christmas cards to anyone in Japan constitutes bad etiquette, since funeral notices there are customarily printed in red.

In Norway on Christmas Eve, all the brooms in the house are hidden because long ago it was believed that witches and mischievous spirits came out on Christmas Eve and would steal their brooms for riding.

Epstein List Hangs Itself Moments Before Release

U.S. — In a shocking turn of events, the Epstein List was found hanging in a secure document storage facility this morning, according to local authorities.

“This is such a tragedy for many of us who desperately wanted to know who was on that list,” said former Presidential candidate and document security expert Hillary Clinton. “Now we’ll sadly never know. My thoughts and prayers are with the family of this ‘Epstein List,’ may it rest in peace.”

Authorities confirmed the list was found hanging by a rope tied to an overhead beam, and that it had killed itself completely of its own accord.

The list was cremated and buried this morning.

OUCH!

Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus traveling in a lift of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $50 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??

Santa of course, the other two don’t exist!

My wife told me, “Sex is better on vacation.”

Not the best postcard I’ve ever received!

Her:  I wish you would just grab me, throw me up against the wall, tear my clothes off and choke me while you….” 

Me:  [interrupts] …Do you have any idea how many felonies that is?”

Umm…okay, sure!

Every day around midnight, I’m shocked to find out it’s only 6 pm.

I’ve got a couple working in my building you can have.

I can’t afford an Ancestry DNA Kit to learn about my relatives.  So instead, I posted online that I had won the lottery.

That is one big ugly dog

You think you can hurt my feelings? 

I used to hold the flashlight for my Dad.

And that my fellow campers, brings to a close another exciting episode of Dragon Laffs.  I want you to remember…

And I want you to remember that I am always praying for you to have God’s Blessings upon you and that He might bring you Happiness and Love, Health and Comfort all the days of your life.  So, until we meet again.  Be well my dear friends.