I’m not really sure what day this is.  Well, I’m sure what day I’m writing this, I’m just not sure what day YOU will be READING this.  Because I haven’t decided when I will be putting this one out there.  But you know, come to think of it, I really don’t ever know what day you guys will be reading this, ’cause you guys can read it anytime you want to.  

Anyway, I’ve gotten a couple of notices that some people, occasionally can’t seem to get the whole issue through email.  Now, understand that I have no control over the email aspect of this whole process.  It wasn’t until fairly recently that I even knew that so many of you were even reading it by email.  I though that everyone was just getting an email notification that the episode was posted and that everyone was going to the website to read it.  So, on those occasions when the email does mess up, you can always go the way that I thought you guys were going in the first place and go to the website and read it the old fashioned way.  Just go to:

I mean, it is why I pay for the domain name every year…right?

So let’s jump into today’s issue.

This could get really exciting.

This is disgusting!

And this next one is crazy … funny, but crazy.

Entire Driveway Stolen in Central Florida

A woman in Reddick, Florida, didn’t even have to open her front door to realize she had been robbed. That’s because thieves stole her driveway. Well, the brick pavers that made up the driveway to be exact.

And here is the rest of the article  https://www.miaminewtimes.com/news/entire-driveway-stolen-in-central-florida-6526367

My cousin, Susan, says that teaching a Sex Education class has its own special problems.  

She complained. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don*t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.” 

Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday.

The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman,

in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, “Hello, I’m Gladys Dunn.”

To which the gentleman replied, “You’re not the only one!”

Dancing till dawn

Well, the perfect end to the perfect … whatever.  I’m sitting here, working on Dragon Laffs, watching a little TV.  It’s about 7 at night on the 30th of January, Saturday night.  I’ve just finished dinner, yet another can of chili with a PB&J cut into little squares so I don’t have to bite into the sandwich cause it hurts.  Oh, and just for the record, I had oatmeal for breakfast…again.  That’s the same for three weeks in a row, now.  Oatmeal for breakfast and canned chili for dinner.  Oh, I’ve had the occasional can of beef ‘o roni thrown in here and there, but for the most part… you get it.  

Anyway, so I’m sitting here and the door bell rings and there’s a Sheriff’s Deputy at the door with a summons for the lawsuit that has been hanging over my head.  So now I’ve got twenty days to get it worked out.  So I called my lawyer friend again and she’s going to reach out to them again.  But of course my heart is racing, my head is pounding…the perfect end.

Dear Father in Heaven, this next year has to be better than the last two have been.  Please Father.

This one is from Ted.  Jim Stafford plays Classical Gas at Branson, MO.  But, it’s not what you think..

Poor Johnson had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet on a horse, it would lose; if he chose one elevator rather than another, it was the one he chose that stalled between floors; the line he picked before the bank teller’s cage never moved; the lane he chose in traffic crawled; the day he picked the picnic was the day of a cloudburst; and so it went, day after day, year after year.

Then, once, it became necessary for Johnson to travel to some city a thousand miles away and do it quickly. A plane was the only possible conveyance that would get him there in time, and it turned out that only one company supplied only one flight that would do. His heart bounded.

There was no choice to make! And if he made no choice, surely he could come to no grief.

He took the plane.

Imagine his horror when, midway in the flight, the plane’s engines caught fire and it became obvious the plane would crash in moments.

Johnson broke into fervent prayer to his favorite saint , Saint Francis.

He pleaded, “I have never in my life made the right choice. Why this should be, I don’t know, but I have borne my cross and have not complained. On this occasion, however, I did not make a choice; this was the only plane I could take and I had to take it. Why, then, am I being punished?”

He had no sooner finished when a giant hand swooped down out of the clouds and somehow snatched him from the plane. There he was, miraculously suspended two miles above the earth’s surface, while the plane spiraled downward far below.

A heavenly voice came down from the clouds. “My son, I can save you, if you have in truth called upon me.”

“Yes, I called on you,” cried Johnson. “I called on you, Saint Francis!”

“Ah,” said the heavenly voice, “Saint Francis Xavier or Saint Francis of Assisi. Which?”

Just another cool picture

Definitions you won’t find in the dictionary!

ADULT:

1. A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. 

BEAUTY PARLOR:

2. A place where women curl up and dye. 

CANNIBAL:

3. Someone who is fed up with people. 

CHICKENS:

4. The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 

COMMITTEE:

5. A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 

DUST:

6. Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

EGOTIST:

7. Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 

GOSSIP:

8. A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. 

HANDKERCHIEF:

9. Cold Storage. 

INFLATION:

10. Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 

MOSQUITO:

11. An insect that makes you like flies better. 

RAISIN:

12. Grape with a sunburn. 

SECRET:

13. Something you tell one person at a time. 

TOOTHACHE:

14. The pain that drives you to extraction. 

TOMORROW:

15. One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. 

YAWN:

16. An honest opinion openly expressed. 

WRINKLES:

17. Something other people have. You have character lines

I try to find the good in every situation.
Wait.
That was a typo.
I meant “food”.
I try to find the food in every situation.

If women just use you for dinner dates, you are a foodie call.

Only on the New York Subway

Working at an unemployment office has to be a tense job…knowing if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 94,239 times, you’re a WEATHERMAN.

I don’t jog…
because I’ve watched enough Law & Order to know that’s how you end up finding a dead body.

The bad part is that there are probably some of you out there who have NO IDEA what that last meme is about AT ALL.  I can’t possibly be that old, can I?

Mike Gallagher, the 8th most recognized talk radio personality in the U.S.A., is heard by over 2.25 million listeners weekly. He compiled and wrote the following essay entitled, “Obama: It was You.”

* It was you who spoke these words at an Islamic dinner – “I am one of you.”
* It was you who on ABC News referenced – “My Muslim faith.”
* It was you who gave $100 million in U.S. taxpayer funds to re-build foreign mosques.
* It was you who wrote that in the event of a conflict- “I will stand with the Muslims.”
* It was you who assured the Egyptian Foreign Minister that – “I am a Muslim.”
* It was you who bowed in submission before the Saudi King.
* It was you who sat for 20 years in a Liberation Theology Church condemning America and professing Marxism.
* It was you who exempted Muslims from penalties under Obamacare that the rest of us have to pay.
* It was you who purposefully omitted – “endowed by our Creator ” – from your recitation of The Declaration Of
Independence.
* It was you who mocked the Bible and Jesus Christ’s Sermon On The Mount while repeatedly referring to the ‘HOLY’ Qur’an.
* It was you who traveled the Islamic world denigrating the United States Of America.
* It was you who instantly threw the support of your administration behind the building of the Ground Zero Victory mosque overlooking the hallowed crater of the World Trade Center.
* It was you who refused to attend the National Prayer Breakfast, but hastened to host an Islamic prayer breakfast at the
White House
* It was you who ordered Georgetown Univ. and Notre Dame to shroud all vestiges of Jesus Christ BEFORE you would
agree to go there to speak, but in contrast, you have NEVER requested the mosques you have visited to adjust their decor.
* It was you who appointed anti-Christian fanatics to your Czar Corps.
* It was you who appointed rabid Islamists to Homeland Security.
* It was you who said that NASA’s “foremost mission” was an outreach to Muslim communities.
* It was you who as an Illinois Senator was the ONLY individual who would speak in favor of infanticide.
* It was you who was the first President not to give a Christmas Greeting from the White House, and went so far as to hang
photos of Chairman Mao on the White House tree.
* It was you who curtailed the military tribunals of all Islamic terrorists.
* It was you who refused to condemn the Ft. Hood killer as an Islamic terrorist.
* It is you who has refused to speak-out concerning the horrific executions of women throughout the Muslim culture,
but yet, have submitted Arizona to the UN for investigation of hypothetical human-rights abuses.
* It was you who when queried in India refused to acknowledge the true extent of radical global Jihadists, and instead
profusely praised Islam in a country that is 82% Hindu and the victim of numerous Islamic terrorists assaults.
* It was you who funneled $900 Million in U.S. taxpayer dollars to Hamas.
* It was you who ordered the United States Postal Service to honor the MUSLIM holiday with a new commemorative stamp.
* It was you who directed our UK Embassy to conduct outreach to help “empower” the British Muslim community.
* It was you who funded mandatory Arabic language and culture studies in Grammar schools across our country.
* It is you who follows the Muslim custom of not wearing any form of jewelry during Ramadan.
* It is you who departs for Hawaii over the Christmas season so as to avoid past criticism for NOT participating in seasonal
White House religious events.
* It was you who was uncharacteristically quick to join the chorus of the Muslim Brotherhood to depose Egypt’s Hosni
Mubarak, formerly America’s strongest ally in North Africa; but, remain muted in your non-response to the Brotherhood
led slaughter of Egyptian Christians.
* It was you who appointed your chief adviser, Valerie Jarrett, an Iranian, who is a member of the Muslim Sisterhood, an
off-shoot of the Muslim Brotherhood.
* It was you who said this country is not a Christian nation.

And is it you, as so many of us think, that is still behind the current democratic administration?

I was just sent this story by Joe from NJ.  We both agree that it’s a bit of an oldie and in fact, I do believe that I’ve used it before.  Now, I’m not saying that it’s a TRUE story, but I am saying that it COULD BE a true story.  I have certainly seen God do much harder things that people have prayed for.  So, I choose to believe that somewhere at some time, in some small way, a child received an answer to a prayer by a small kitten falling from the sky in front of them and that kitten becoming a most loved on friend for a very long time.

An Answered Prayer

Br. Jim’s kitten climbed a tree in his backyard and wouldn’t come down. The tree wasn’t sturdy enough for Br. Jim to climb it to rescue the kitten or even to prop a ladder against it to climb up. He didn’t want to bother the fire department. He wasn’t even sure they really came out to rescue kittens anymore. Besides, he prided himself on figuring things out on his own. The first thing he figured out was that kitten wasn’t coming down on her own. So he pitched a rope up into the tree and looped it around some of the branches. Then he hooked the other end of the rope to his car bumper. He figured he could carefully bend the little tree over until he could reach up and rescue the kitten. 

Things started out fairly well. He eased the car forward. The tree bent over. But the kitten, clinging tighter than ever to the branch he was wrapped around, still was a bit too high. So Br. Jim pulled the car up a bit farther. Then disaster struck! The rope broke. The tree went “boing!” and the poor little kitten went sailing through the air out of sight.

Needless to say, Br. Jim felt awful. He searched all through the neighborhood, but nobody had seen a stray kitten. Finally he said a prayer,  “Lord, I just commit the kitten to your keeping,” and  gave up to go on about his business.

A few days later he was in the grocery store and met one of his church members. He was amazed to see cat food in her shopping cart. This woman had always been very vocal in her dislike of cats. So he asked her why in the world she was buying cat food since she hated cats so much.

“Br. Jim, you see it’s like this,” she explained. “My little girl has been begging and begging me for a cat and I kept saying no. Finally I told her if the Lord gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.” The woman’s face changed, got a look of awe, as she went on. “Well, my little girl went out in the yard, got down on her knees and started praying for the Lord to send her a kitten.” The woman slowly shook her head. “Preacher, you are never going to believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of my little girl.”

Never under estimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.  Proverbs says a merry heart worketh good like a medicine. I hope the story made you smile, but we can be pretty sure that poor little kitten used up one of its nine lives on that flight through the air.

Yup!

Yes, that is Dolly as a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.

In the 1980s, A&W tried to compete with the McDonald’s Quarter Pounder by selling a 1/3 pound burger at a lower price.  The product failed because most customers thought the 1/4 pound was bigger.

This is why I don’t argue on line.

Women have only 2 problems:

1.  Nothing to wear.
2.  No room for all their clothes.

Someone said to me, “You’re hard on your kids.”

Yeah, that’s why they aren’t little jerks.

And sometimes it’s the internal voice of approval when you give it over to God…and then LEAVE it there.

I’m thinking of taking the wine box back to complain.  It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it only lasted me 3 hours.

I have to ask the Whelpling if that was him

The older you get the more you realize how precious life is.  You have no desire for drama, conflict, or stress.  You just want good friends, a cozy home, food on the table, and people who make you happy.

“I gave you life; You give me your Reese’s; That’s the deal.”

~ Every Mom on Halloween

I know this one isn’t him.

Burglar:  [points gun at me] Alright buddy, just show me where your valuables are and I won’t hurt you.  

Me:  Ha ha, sure thing dude – ALEXA, CALL THE POLICE 

Alexa:  Shuffling songs by The Police

[Roxanne plays as I get shot 16 times]

Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets.  Sharon is not up for a good time.

What an awkward phone call that was…

My wife sent me a text that said, “Your great”

So, naturally, I wrote back, “No, you’re great”

She’s been walking around all happy and smiling.

Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave it?

If you’re asking that question, I have one for you…How long have you been married?

Today is the last day of 2023 as I’m sitting here writing this and I’ve got a lot on my mind right now. 

First, let me say thank you to all of you who have wished me and mine a Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and all the rest.  I do appreciate it.  I also appreciate the many kind words about understanding for the fewer issues coming out with my busier schedule of late.  That is much appreciated as well.  I have received many comments, emails and messages from you guys and they have almost all been well wishes and words of understanding.

Again, today is the last day of the year, New Year’s Eve, and I have NO plans to do anything tonight.  My dear Izzy Dragon is working tonight, so it’s not like I can go too far from home, I’m not a big drinker and I won’t drink and drive and this is a real dangerous night to be out driving.  Besides all that, I’m of an age that New Year’s Eve parties just don’t hold the same appeal to me that they used to.  

But, this is a time for contemplation.  One of the things I’ve been contemplating lately is the eight different words that the Greeks had for the concept of love.  It intrigues me so much that I’m in the middle of writing an essay on it.  Imagine the deeper the understanding of the bible.

I’ve contemplated the difficulty in giving things over to God that I want so much to try and control myself.  There are SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS going on in my life right now.  And not a single one of them do I have complete control over.  Most of them I don’t have ANY control over.  On my way into church today, I had one of our elders, whom I hadn’t seen in a while because he and his wife have been ill, ask me, “So have you gotten all those issues worked out since I’ve seen you last?”  I replied to him that absolutely nothing had been worked out yet, except my brother’s funeral…and he’s not even “buried” yet.  And he doesn’t even know the extent of ALL the issues I’ve got going on right now.  You guys know more than he does. 

I’m a worrier.  It used to keep me up at night.  But now, since I’ve learned to give things over to God, I know there is a time when it will be my turn and until then, just let it go…but that is hard.  I sit here and I feel like there ought to be SOMETHING that I should be doing.  But God’s time is not my time and I know that all things work out for His good.

I contemplate not having Dragon Laffs come out as often as I would like.  I know that many of us use humor to get through the day.  To help us with the hard times.  The sorrows and the griefs.  That is one of the  main, if not THE main purpose of this publication.  This is my own “worst time of the year”.  You would think that it would be over now, but it’s not.  It’s working it’s way to a peak.  On January 8th it will hit a peak for me and THEN it will go down.  Hopefully.  I also contemplate why it seems to be worse this year then it was last.

The lawsuit will be decided soon now that I’ve been served.  I’m hoping they will settle for a reasonable amount since I have everything tied up paying for my brother’s estate stuff.  I try not to worry about money.  I have REFUSED to worry about money.  It is hard, when I’ve spent my whole life not having any and virtually living paycheck to paycheck.  God has ALWAYS made sure we’ve had enough, but I’ve always had to do my part, too.  At one point in my life I was working 3 jobs to make ends meet.  When Mary was so sick.  Of course I was a much younger man then. And it’s that part of my life that’s coming back to bite me now because one of the MANY credit cards that we had that we were trying to lump sum pay off, got tired of waiting their turn and wrote it off and then sold off the debt.  And now THAT company that bought that old debt is taking us to court.  I suppose I should be glad they waited until I could afford it.  And if this stuff with my brother wasn’t going on, I could probably just take the money and pay them off.  Or more likely make them a decent offer, since I’m sure they bought the debt for pennies on the dollar and pay it.  But of course, this is happening at the worst possible time.

And now all I’m doing is complaining and that’s not what this is for, this is for contemplating, but these are the things that I contemplate and much more.

But more than anything, I hope to be there for you guys in the coming year and beyond.  I want you to know that you are there for me as much as I am for you.  More so.  I need this as much as you do.  

Rereading this I can tell that my mind is in a dark place, so I’m going to end this and get it set up to publish on Thursday.  I may revisit it before than or I may start working on Saturday’s issue.  Regardless, my prayer for all of you is for God’s blessing of love and happiness for you in the coming year.  May you all feel His Peace and Comfort in your lives.