So, I really like the header that I built for today’s issue. I’m sitting here on Christmas Eve Eve, watching 7 hours of Rankin/Bass Christmas specials on YouTube with Izzy Dragon before she has to go to work and I thought since you guys got the Christmas episode of Dragon Laffs this morning, that I would start on the post Christmas Issue for next Thursday while I had a little time. Not sure how much I’ll get done, but I’m sitting here and I hate not multitasking.
Right now we are watching Santa Claus is Coming to Town. That’s the one with the Burgermeister. We started Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and then the Little Drummer Boy. I have forgotten so much about these shows. But they are fun. Very formulaic, but fun.
Anyway, let’s go have some fun, and then maybe we’ll come back and talk some more.
See! I like that option. It’s got to be cheaper and easier than even cremation. I tried to convince Mary to just dump my body in a dumpster (hence the name) somewhere. She insisted that she wanted a burial and stuff so there was a place where she could come visit me. Even though I told her that wasn’t me anymore, that I wasn’t there. She insisted. So, I told her that was fine, because you know that burial services and such are for the those that are left behind, not for the one who has departed.
But chopper! Now THAT’S the way to go!
Probably not sanitary or healthy though.
Absolutely! We should outlaw high speed trains. Electric cars are fine though.
This one was sent to me by brother Wheats. One of my oldest and dearest friends. My roommate in Germany that goes back 42 years. (HOLY CRAP! 42 years!!!)
And this one was sent to me by Stephen as a video clip that I couldn’t use and I’m ashamed to say I laughed so hard and watched it over and over again and laughed and laughed. So, I looked and found it where I could use it and show it to you guys. It is funny. Cruel, mean, but funny.
Simple but elegant.
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and, on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. And, to his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT. His Bishop, however, was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted in shock. When he came to, he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. And this was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.
Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
I do have some unusual friends.
Here’s a surprising one from Joe.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
– Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890-1969), Inaugural Address, January 20, 1953
A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: “This bill is one year old.”
By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: “Happy Birthday.”
Again, just because it’s cool.
I received a handful of late Christmas cartoons/memes and want to share them with you before it becomes too late. So, here they all are, in one hilarious grouping.
I really like that one. Now THAT is my true meaning of Christmas!
That’s right! Dealing in memes is a dark and dangerous undertaking.
They don’t. I’ve tried.
That’s not a new one, in fact it’s an old one, but to me, it’s probably one of my favorites of all time.
And finally, to all of you who sent me special Christmas and Birthday wishes, I’d like to say:
Now, back to our regularly scheduled programing…
It would sure help
The Good Samaritan
As Mrs. Jones went to the market, she realized upon arriving that she had lost her purse somewhere along the way. Feeling very upset, she started to walk back in the scant hope that it will still be where she dropped it.
However, after 2 minutes, a boy comes running at her, holding her purse in his hands. “Is this yours, lady?” He cries at her
“Yes it is!” She cried in joy. She was so happy she hugged the boy and opened the purse to see everything was there. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.”
The boy replied, “Well, the last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward…”
There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya.
On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic.
As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies.
She wanted to always remember this moment and try to share it with friends when she arrived home.
With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, “Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?”
Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, “If you boil the water, you won’t get dysentery.”
That’s even worse than when Mary and I would drive in the car and a song that I liked would come on the radio and I would start to sing and Mary would turn the radio up to drown me out. I know … I KNOW I can’t sing, but dang!
Leon, a supervisory aerospace engineer, had been retired three months before he visited his old work place.
He wandered into one office and found a draftsman laboring earnestly. He hardly looked up the whole time he chatted with Leon.
Sensing that he was interrupting an important project, Leon was about to excuse himself when the draftsman threw down his instruments and sat back.
“For Pete’s sake,” he said, “it’s just dawned on me that I no longer have to look busy when you appear.”
That is such a wild picture.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
- “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: … “Well, doc, it’s like this –
- First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
- Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
- Then I asked my wife for help.
- She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
- She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
- We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
- First with both hands, then an armpit, and
- She even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked!
- “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied,
- “Yep. And none of us could get the jar open!
This next one is too funny. I’ve always wondered what would happen… thanks Joe.
Now, before you get mad at me over this one, this one is from Joe.
Illinois, Guernee Law
It is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts.
(I’ve never seen a horse wearing shorts!)
He may have just now noticed. Some men are like that.
Maybe started the last roll from the bottom instead of the top?
Nobody ever does.
Guess I had more political Christmas memes hiding away. Should’ve used those in the last issue…oh well.
Political Quotes . .
- *Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain
- *We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
— Winston Churchill
- *A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
— George Bernard Shaw
- *A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
— G. Gordon Liddy
- *Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
— James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
- *Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
— Douglas Casey, Classmate of W.J.Clinton at Georgetown Uni. (1992)
- *Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
— P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
- *Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
— Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
- *Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
— Ronald Reagan (1986)
- *I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
–Will Rogers
11 *If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free.
— P.J. O’Rourke
- *If you want government to intervene domestically, you’re a liberal.
If you want government to intervene overseas, you’re a conservative.
If you want government to intervene everywhere, you’re a moderate.
If you don’t want government to intervene anywhere, you’re an extremist.
— Joseph Sobran, Editor of the National Review at one time (1995)
- *In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
— Voltaire (1764)
- *Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you.
— Pericles (430 B.C.)
- *No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
— Mark Twain (1866)
- *Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it.
— (Meandyou)
- *The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
— Ronald Reagan
- *The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
— Winston Churchill
- *The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
— Mark Twain
- *The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
— Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
- *There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress.
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”
Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
“Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.”
Pure genius!
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.
“Hoot mon,” he said, “in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20.”
“That might be true,” said the travel agent, “but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked.”
“Well, at $50/hour for a boat,” said the Scotsman, “it’s no wonder he walked.”
Amen
An American and an English officer were in the Officers’ Club having a few drinks.
After several of them, they hit on the idea to make the following (gentleman’s) bet:
The one who could tell the biggest lie would win. They drew straws, and the American officer got to start:
“Well,” he says, “there once was an American gentleman–”
“Stop!” cried the Englishman, “You win!”
This next one is pretty cool. Again, thanks to Joe.
Yeah, been there done that. But, haven’t we all. I remember Mary and her mom talking…and this is just a couple of years ago mind you…well, I just looked it up and mom died almost 18 years ago, so it just seems like it was just a couple of years ago. ANYWAY, Mary and I were at least several years married and Mary and her mom were talking and Mary accidently said the “F-Word” and both of them, at the exact same time – Mary ducked and mom swung to slap Mary’s face. And it was pure instinct on both of their parts. I laughed so hard. What a great memory that is.
I probably shouldn’t post this next one because I use an awful lot of these where I work, but here goes:
Secrets of Government Workers (You pick the Government!)
1. Never walk without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving
valuable training expenses.
3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.
10. Have 2 Jackets
If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere
11. MOST IMPORTANT:
DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake
Now that one I believe because I’ve seen spiders about that big in New Mexico.
What you are about to witness next is probably the luckiest…or dumbest…man in the world.
A man walked into a doctor’s office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his right ear, and a banana in his left ear.
“What’s wrong with me, Doc?” he asked.
The doctor took one glance and pronounced, “You’re not eating properly!”
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M.” The set “C,” the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels “feel” as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 2002:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?
Teaching Math in 2020:
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es……..
And when you have friends like you guys it makes it a lot easier to hang on.
Are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men?
When I read that to Izzy, her response was, “Are the houses made out of the men or are the men made from the houses?” That’s a really good question…
And that, my dear friends, brings us to a close of another issue. I wish you all a wonderful and blessed day, may laughter and joy be yours until we meet again.
Dragon Laffs 
Loved the humor and the boxing one was a real hoot. I can just hear her saying “God’ll get you for that!”
Loved the Charles Bronson video. In the early 60’s, I was a young teen when the movie, The Great Escape came out. All my friends left it, in love with Steve McQueen. I was in love with Charles Bronson, and stayed in that condition to this day! However, It is not monogamous, for I also fell in love with Sam Elliot.