Well, it’s Saturday.  I made it this far with my new…teeth.  I hesitate to call them teeth, but they are supposed to be used that way.  Right now they are just red.  Red with pain.  But, I am beginning to start eating food.  I had oatmeal for breakfast and right now, I’m eating like a school kid, eating canned mini-ravioli.  It’s soft and it’s food.  Kind of.  But at least it’s filling and it will put something in my stomach.

I had a couple of … well, I won’t call them complaints, instead I’ll call them observations … I had a couple of observations about this morning’s issue.  It was said that the link in the email didn’t take them to the issue for today.  I have no control over the email that goes out.  That’s all controlled by Word Press.  I post the episode to the website and Word Press sends out an email saying it’s up.  So, my recommendation to everyone when something like that happens is, just go to the website and read it there.  It’s really easy, just go to dragonlaffs.com https://dragonlaffs.com/ and the issue will always be right there….plus all the old issues. 

Oh!  And in reply to Gene M. I know I replied in the comments section, but AFTER I replied there, I did go and check them out at Amazon and was very impressed with the write up and the reviews, so I did order a pair, caught a special coupon to go along with the special you were talking about and got an extra 15% on top of everything else and even beat the $22.76 price you were talking about.  Couldn’t pass them up after getting the personal recommendation from a long time reader…I should have them next week!  Maybe I’ll even wrap them and put them under the tree for myself as a present!  Thanks again!

Now…

You younger ones won’t even get that one.

Okay, admit it…how many of you have had conversations just like that one?

Four women share a birthday and always celebrate it together.

For their 30th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the waiters are cute and wear tight pants.

For their 50th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the prices are reasonable and it has a good wine list.

For their 60th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because it’s quiet and has a nice view.

For their 70th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because it’s wheelchair accessible.

For their 80th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because they’ve never been there before!

A friend who lost her mate several years ago developed a friendship with a man who had also lost his spouse. They seemed a perfect match, and all their children agreed they should get married. This was their invitation: 

Phil, Richard, Karen and Allison and John, Matt and Steve request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their Mother and Father. Because they are combining two households, they already have at least two of everything. So please, no presents! 

Reception and garage sale immediately following the ceremony. 

In a high school science quiz, there was the question,

“When water becomes ice, which of its physical properties increases?”

Everyone answered,

“Its volume increases.”

Well, almost everyone. One wise guy wrote,

“When water becomes ice, its price increases.”

So nicely done!

I dunno…the only thing I can think of is, “Batter Up!”

A teacher asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. Here are some of the lines she received.

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He’s makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer.

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You’ll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful 

There was a little mouse in his little hole in the wall. 

The one day that he really wanted to take a walk, a huge cat was right at his step. 

The little mouse was so upset that he couldn’t leave. 

While he was trying to figure it out, he heard a dog barking. 

That’s when he got a great thought. He said to himself, “Where there is a dog there is no cat and where there’s no cat I can go for my walk.” 

So he strutted on out of his hole. 

All of a sudden the cat grabbed the mouse, chewed him up, and ate him.

Then the cat said, “Wow, it’s great to be bilingual!” 

A monkey is walking through the jungle when he comes across an elephant.

“Hello, Mr. Elephant”, he says, “what a fine day it is. Would you like to see my cock?”

Slightly startled the elephant says, “Good morning Mr Monkey. Why on earth would I want to see your genitalia?”

“Oh, it’s absolutely amazing”, came the reply, “you won’t regret this” and with that the monkey whips out his member which, as promised, amazed the elephant. There were FOUR tips to this particular monkey’s monkeyhood.

“My word!” said the elephant, “aren’t you the lucky one”.

The monkey continued his jaunt through the jungle when he happens upon a giraffe. “Hello up there Mr Giraffe. Let me show you my cock!”

Spluttering out the leaf he was munching the giraffe protests but he is equally as stunned as the elephant when he sees the monkeys’ four headed knob. “Incredible!” he states.

And off trots the monkey until he encounters a jaguar asleep under a tree. “Mr Jaguar! Mr Jaguar! Look at my extraordinary penis!”

Stirring from his sleep the jaguar wakes to find the mutant cock before his eyes, which he promptly bites off. 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH”, screams the monkey, “What did you do that for?”

“Because I’m a four point tool eater Jaguar” 

We do have very strange slumber parties.

If you can walk, you can dance, if you can talk, you can sing.

You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.

– Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)

What’s the difference between the Government and the Mafia?

One of them is organized.

This is actually so very true…I have seen this next “joke” in action:

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.  Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?”  So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?”  So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?”  So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,” so they laid off the night watchman. 

Actually, it’s a lot of the time…

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” she explained. “It took us awhile to find a new pilot.”

Okay, that bothers me just reading about it.

Umm… How do they know?

Now THAT is a beautiful quote!!

That’s a good one, too.

The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy his dream spread in Wyoming.

“So, what did you name the ranch?” asked his best friend when he flew out to visit

“We had a heck of a time,” admitted the new cowboy. “Couldn’t agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch.”

“Wow!” his friend was impressed. “So where are all the cows?”

“None of ’em survived the branding.”

I give huge props to anyone who has the guts to get on this elevator!

You know, it might be completely incorrect, but it’s still gonna be funny…or wretched…or both.

Gee…that sounds awfully famil…I’m sorry, who are you guys?  You’re here to do what?  Change what I’m writi…XXXXXXXXX

That never happened.  That doesn’t sound at all familiar.  I don’t know what you are talking about.

Okay, so I was just kidding.  For now…

On this day in 1775, the British demanded we surrender our weapons. 

We shot them.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Whoever is making the comment, “How dumb can the democrats get?”  Please stop.  They are taking it as a challenge.

Yeah, welcome to modern day America.

Boy, ain’t that the truth.  Especially if your best friend is God.

Yeah, and you shouldn’t have said “FREE GIFT”.  Aren’t all gifts, by definition, free?

Iowa, Fort Madison Law

The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.

Izzy Dragon would agree with you 100% on that…and then politely ask you to hold the pumpkin pie.  You think I’m kidding?  She told me that while I was gone in Florida and we “celebrated” Thanksgiving separately, her dessert was Cool Whip.  I said, “On what?”  She said, “Just Cool Whip.”

THE PERKS OF GETTING OLD

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won’t wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won’t get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

You can’t remember who sent you this list.

You find yourself nodding in agreement as you read down this list.

That is my dog

Definitely something we would have tried in the dorm in Germany.

Remember when……..

A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note. 
A window was something you hated to clean and ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was a job for the night
Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account and if you had a 3 1/2″ floppy you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public you’d be in jail for a while.

I’ve worked for this guy.

Okay, if you didn’t get the last one, try singing it.

 

Yup!  There you go!

THAT IS AN AWESOME SIGN!!!!  I’m a Christian man and I would beg God’s forgiveness for stealing that sign!  An awesome group!  You younger folks are honestly sitting there going, “Who?  I’ve never heard of them.  Who are Emerson, Lake and Palmer?”  Let me help.”

One of my absolute favorites, but not really representative of their music…but maybe it was… Keith Emerson and Greg Lake died in 2016 and by way of modern computer science, Carl Palmer put together a reunion tour in 2023 to FANTASTIC reviews.  But this one…this one is much more emblematic of ELP’s music and who knows, maybe you’ll even recognize it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-xEbQcJ9WA

So, it was a short tour, but I hope you enjoyed it.

Okay, going to be a little offensive here, but you can’t be a Christian and hate gay people.  You can’t be a Christian and hate people of a different skin color.  You can’t be a Christian and hate people for living differently than you.

To put it very bluntly, you can’t be a Christian and hate PEOPLE.

No, you don’t hate people.  Some people would say that you hate the sin and not the sinner, but I  won’t even go that far.  You understand that it is God’s Word that tells us what is right and what is wrong and it is ALSO God’s Word that tells us that it is not up to us to judge or to seek revenge.  Those are His tasks.  Our job is to love everyone.  That’s hard sometimes.  But that’s what God wants us to do.  We also have to forgive.  That’s even harder.  Okay, being led off on a tangent here, I don’t know why, but follow along with me. 

So, we’ve spoken before of Matthew 22: 37-39 – And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the great and first commandment.  And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

So, our neighbor is everyone.  So, we are supposed to love everyone like we love ourselves. 

Now it gets harder, we are supposed to forgive everyone.  Ephesians 4:32 – Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. 

And one more, just for emphasis.  Luke 6:27-28 – “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.” 

Sounds tough, doesn’t it.  Now, I give you a scenario.  I want you to picture a child abuser…[dramatic pause] … someone you know, maybe you are friends with … [longer dramatic pause] … maybe someone you even invited into your home because they needed someplace to stay … and they abused one of your children. 

Now, you are not being asked, you are being told, by God that you need to 
■  Not seek revenge on this person  (Romans 12:19)
■  Forgive this person
■  Love this person

Now of course, you have free will.  God gave you that, too.  So, it’s all up to you.  And looking back at Ephesians, you may think that you are supposed to forgive people because of all the things that God forgave you over, but  now you are saying to yourself “Hey!  God never forgave ME for Child Abuse!  So why should I have to forgive this slimy animal who did this horrible thing to MY CHILD!!!”  Well, for one thing, you aren’t doing it for the slimy animal, you are doing it for you.  And if that person can come before God, truly repentant, be sorry for what he’s done, he, too can end up in eternal glory, in Heaven.  Just like the murderer on the cross beside Christ. No, you aren’t doing it for this person, you are doing it for YOUR salvation.  Same with the not seeking revenge (look up heaping hot coals on his head in the bible and then figure out what that REALLY means) and the same with loving this person.  

And I’m not saying it is easy.  I’m not saying I could do it.  (I pray, please God don’t EVER test me with something like that.)  But, that is what He is telling us we need to do. 

Could you? 
Could you NOT seek revenge? 
Could you forgive? 
Could you love this person?

Eventually.  If I’m being honest.  God has been so good to me and has PROVEN Himself over and over to me.  So yes.  I think, for me…eventually.  But God, I’m gonna need some help. 

Okay, that went further afield than I thought it would with a simple meme.  Yeah, you can’t be a Christian and hate.  There.  Got it.  Let’s move on.

I’ve seen this next one before and it is absolutely marvelous!! Thanks Joe for bringing it back around again!

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26.

He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.

In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.”

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

      1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
      2. it is a major component in acid rain
      3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
      4. accidental inhalation can kill you
      5. it contributes to erosion
      6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
      7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked fifty (50) people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
       Forty-three (43) said yes,
       Six (6) were undecided,
       And only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible Are We?” 

TEACHER SAYS

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
   Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.
   
   
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
   Really means: The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes.
   
   
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
   Really means: He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.
   
   
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her.
   Really means: The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term.
   
   
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
   Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.
   
   
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
   Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.
   
   
7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
   Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument.
   
   
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
   Really means: He’s a bully.
   
   
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
   Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.
   
   
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
    Really means: She’s so immature that we’ve run out of diapers.
    
    
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
    Really means: He must have written the Whiner’s Guide.
    
    
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment.
    Really means: Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.
    
    
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome.
    Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking.

A baker is just getting ready lock his front door when a man rushes up. “I need to have a cake made right now!”  he exclaims.

“I’m sorry,” replies the baker.  “But I was just closing up.  I’ve dismissed my staff; I’ve shut down my machines; I’m afraid you’ll have to come back tomorrow.”

“I can’t wait until tomorrow!”  insists the man.  “It’s absolutely imperative that this cake be made right now!”

The baker always liked to think of himself as a nice guy, so he says, “All right, I’ll see what I can do.”  He goes inside and turns all his appliances back on.  He then approaches the counter and ties on his apron.  “Okay, what is it you need?”

The man whips out a sketch from his pocket.  It’s a very well drawn depiction of a cake.  “It has to look just like this,” says the man. “Exactly one foot wide, one foot long, and six inches tall.  White frosting, blue icing, and a red cursive “S” in the middle.  Just like this.”

Somewhat startled, the baker ponders the sketch for a few moments and replies.  “I think I can do that.  It will be ready in about half an hour.”

“Half an hour!?”  exclaims the man.  “That won’t do.  I need this in fifteen minutes.”

“Fifteen minutes?”  responds the baker.  “I’m not sure I can do that. I suppose I might be able to get it done that fast if I used some pre-made dough.  It wouldn’t taste as good but…”

“I don’t care.  Just get to it, please,” blurts the man, while checking his watch frantically.

So the baker goes back and makes the cake.  He works faster than he ever has before, and somehow produces the cake in just under fifteen minutes.  He presents it to the man fresh out of the oven.  “Will this be sufficient?”  he asks.

The man takes a measuring tape from his pocket.  He checks the length, width, and height very carefully.  He then compares it to the sketch. Suddenly, a look of horror comes across his face.  “No no!”  he exclaims.  “The ‘s’ is the wrong shade of red!  It has to be the same shade as the sketch.  Oh, what will I do now??”

“Calm down,” says the baker.  “If the shade really is a problem I think I can re-ice it.  It may take a few more minutes…”

“You can?”  asks the man anxiously.  “Well please, get going!”

So the baker quickly takes the cake back and puts on a new “S”.  A few minutes later he brings it back to the visibly distraught man.  “There you go.  Is this what you were looking for?”  he asks.

Once again the man scrutinizes the cake, checking every detail.  He compares the shades of red, and this time decides they’re all right. “Okay” says the man quickly, “this is good.  Can I pay you now.”

“Of course,” says the baker, hastily readying the cash register. “Now, the boxes we have available are over here.  Do you want to pick one out?”

“Oh no, that won’t be necessary,” answers the man.  “I’ll eat it here.”

How hugely, completely, and overwhelmingly disappointing of a joke

I found this next one quite interesting

Yup, that one looks really familiar.

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good, either.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.

“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”

“I know,” said his physician, “I can cure pneumonia.”

No kidding!!!

The young woman really thought she’d been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, “So . . .  how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?”

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, “Thrown.”

And that my friends brings us to the end of another episode.  I hope you all have a wonderful Monday morning.  I hope this went to all your inboxes and the link worked like it was supposed to.  Remember the email address is impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and the donation button in the upper right corner of the page still works…not that I’m asking for money, I’m not….just sayin’.  Also, may God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.  And until that time…