I got such a warm welcome back from so many of you guys on last Saturday’s issue.  Thank you so much!  Really made me feel special.  I am starting this one on Sunday.  I got off work a little while ago and I’m going out to meet with some of my dart friends to let them know what’s going on.  I have pretty much abandoned them and they have been so good to me, that I need to sit down with them and let them know what’s up.  That’s on my agenda for tonight, but before I go I want to put a little time in here, with you guys and try and push out some laughter.  We all need some laughter, right?  So, what do you say we jump right in to some of that, shall we?

The Real Meaning of Hotel slogans

Old world charm …………………………… No bath
Options galore …………………………….. Nothing is included in the itinerary
No extra fees ………………………………. No extras
Nominal fee ………………………………… Outrageous charge
Standard ……………………………………. Sub-standard
Deluxe ………………………………………. Standard
Superior …………………………………….. One free shower cap
Cozy …………………………………………. Small
All the amenities ………………………….. Two free shower caps
Plush ………………………………………… Top and bottom sheets

Okay, we’re not doing this again.

I wouldn’t trust it.

A pirate captain was on the lookout for buried treasure.

After months of hard sailing, day in and day out, his ship caught site of land, the land to which his treasure map had been leading.

He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island.

Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp.

Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the pirate’s feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp.

It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest.

Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination.

The Captain turned to his first mate and said, “Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!”

Yeah, that worked out so well.  Now they’re changing it back.

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

“Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man said.

“Aw, Dad, it’s okay” the son said. “The police car right behind us did the same thing.”

Me, stopping and asking for directions.

Presented to us, by Joe from NJ are Science FACTS!!

SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread- consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.
6. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.
7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.
8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.
10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

Note: Bagel holes seem to be relatively safe…and inexpensive, too.

I’ve finally given into the pressure and have posted a picture of me in the shower…

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. “Don’t worry,” my husband reassured me. “I’ll have him trained in no time.”

I watched for several days as my husband patiently “trained” our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?”

He got the following reply.  “Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it.  I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her.  And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother!  Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.  As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother. Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.  Remember, too, that I am my wife’s grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.

Now can you understand how I got put in this place?”

After staring blankly with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: “Move over!”

Modern day MOPP gear.  Some of you will get that.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices. 

-Edward R. Murrow (1908-1965)

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid; the other was eating fireworks. 

They charged one and let the other one off. 

Georgia  Law 

No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.

This surprises me not at all having just come back from Florida, which is Georgia’s stupid little brother.

The Relationship With Your Wife/Girlfriend Is Over When … 

She puts your dinner on the floor in the Rover Dish. 

The milkman is wearing your bathrobe. 

You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show. 

She starts every sentence with the words “To whom it may concern.” 

Your mail comes addressed to “Current Resident.” 

The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit. 

Her mother looks at you and starts laughing. 

You are urged to stir your coffee “very well,” before drinking it. 

Your favourite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet. 

All of your shirts have a target painted on them. 

People are already referring to her as the “widow.” 

You come home and all that is left of the house is the foundation.

Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads “Eat At Dick’s Place.”

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.

“Lady,” one of them explained, “we’re on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar.”

“Wow,” the woman replied. “Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?”

“Our baby-sitter’s boyfriend.”

RELIGIOUS DEFINITIONS:

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone agrees with.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending church.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

BAPTISMAL WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

JONAH: The original “Jaws” story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in churches.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at church often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left or are putting on their coats.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

I bought a bird feeder.  I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed.  What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it Lovingly with seed.

Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. 

Then came the shit. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table… everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own Pocket. 

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn’t even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. 

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ….. Quiet, serene…. and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let’s see…… our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegal’s came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child’s second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn’t speak English. 

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to ‘press one ‘ to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than ”ours” are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. 

Just my opinion, but maybe it’s time for the government to take down the bird feeder.  

If you agree, pass it on; if not, just continue cleaning up the shit!

After many years, Morris, a young Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family in Israel.

“But…where is your beard?” asks his mother upon seeing him.

“Mama,” he replies, “In America, nobody wears a beard.”

“But at least your keep the Sabbath,” mama asks.

“Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath.”

“But only kosher food you still eat?”, asks mama.

“Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher.”

The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, “Morris, tell me, are you still circumcised?”

Beware of the dreaded Amish Flu!

First you get a little hoarse. Then you get a little buggy.

Indiana Law

If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices

Okay, I live here and this surprises me, not at all.

A plumber attended to a leaking tap at a neurosurgeon’s house.

After a 2-minute job, he demanded $100.

“I don’t charge this amount even though I’m a surgeon.”

“You’re right — that’s why I switched from surgery to plumbing!”

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: 

“Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.” 

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: 

“Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class.” 

And that’s it my friends, I hope you had as much fun reading as I did putting it together.  May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.