Okay, so the above header is not my best work. 

And it’s not fair to pick on my beloved Air Force.

But, I couldn’t help myself. 

It is still Saturday and now our time dilation is even more apparent, so we’ll not dwell on it. We’ll just slowly slide to the right and move along with our laughter.  Since I just finished the last episode a few hours ago, I have nothing new to say…

That is definitely my plan.

And yet, another of my plans.

And that pun deserves this:

This is a horrible line!!!!

I’ll be Burger King and you be McDonald’s. 
I’ll be doing it my way and you’ll be loving it.

I’ve opened six birthday cards so far and already up $165.  I love working for USPS.

The mother had washed her hair and just put rollers in –  but she didn’t have a hair net for them, so instead she used a pair of panties to keep them in place.

Her 4 year old son had watched the process and was fascinated.  His mother told him, “Good thing there’s only us here, so that nobody sees me like this…”

Suddenly, the doorbell rang.  The little boy ran to open it, and outside stood a salesman who wanted to speak with the woman of the house.  The son yelled, “Mom, mom! Take off your panties!  There’s a man here who wants to talk to you!”

This is how I spend most of my days at work.  I had no idea someone had snapped this picture of me.

That is actually a GREAT idea…

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water…
Schwepped her off her feet!

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.  He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.  The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.  On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.  Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area.”

The king was polite and considerate, he replied, “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.  He is an extensively educated and experienced professional.  And besides, I pay him very high wages.  He gave me a very different forecast.  I trust him and I will continue on my way.”  So, he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.  The king and queen were totally soaked, and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional.  The he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.  I obtain my information from my donkey.  If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this date.

A lady named Ann Tenna got married.
The reception was spectacular.

“We really need to do more than just hang out on the corner…”

Ghost Aurora over Canada
Image Credit & Copyright: Yuichi Takasaka, TWAN

Explanation: What does this aurora look like to you? While braving the cold to watch the skies above northern Canada early one morning in 2013, a most unusual aurora appeared. The aurora definitely appeared to be shaped like something, but what? Two ghostly possibilities recorded by the astrophotographer were “witch” and “goddess of dawn”, but please feel free to suggest your own Halloween-enhanced impressions. Regardless of fantastical pareidolic interpretations, the pictured aurora had a typical green color and was surely caused by the scientifically commonplace action of high-energy particles from space interacting with oxygen in Earth’s upper atmosphere. In the image foreground, at the bottom, is a frozen Alexandra Falls, while evergreen trees cross the middle.

The only reason why most wives don’t murder their husbands is because they don’t have any shoes that match the prison orange jumpsuits they make you wear.

Sorry I sprayed that WD-40 in your mouth…

But it DID stop that noise you were making.

In her single days Mrs. Potatohead actually refused to date Walter Cronkite and Vin Scully, because they were just commentators.

I accidentally used the dogs shampoo today and I’m feeling like such a good boy.

It’s been brought to my attention that I have offended some of you.
I must apologize…
I meant to offend all of you.

Joe, let’s just forget the whole “Build Back Better” thing and I’ll settle for, put it back the way you found it!

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999.
I want to go grocery shopping like it’s 1999.

I can’t imagine doing that for the first time.

Imagine your card declines at the tattoo shop and they bring out the sandpaper.  

Just overheard a guy call his wife at Starbucks and ask, “Do you want your ice coffee or are you still being a bitch?”

And who says romance is dead?

We were having a debate about something during history class in high school.  The two arguing the hardest both had interesting reputations.  The kid who had a reputation for being a jerk told the girl that had a reputation for sleeping around to shut her mouth.  She retorted, “At least people like it when I open my mouth!”  The entire class lost it, including the teacher.

I was walking through a cow pasture. 
I was tired. 
I sat on a stool. 
I’ll never do that again!

Fact Of The Day:

World’s First Speed Limit

The world’s first speed limit was established in the United Kingdom in 1861.  The Locomotive Act of 1861 set the speed limit on open roads at 10 mph (miles per hour).  By 1903 the legal speed limit had gone up to 20 mph.

Somehow I’ve lucked out and have an 8 year old who thinks secretly reading under the covers past her bedtime is an act of rebellion, and it hasn’t yet occurred to her that her flashlights never seem to run out of batteries.

We live in a time where intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

Fact Of The Day

The Great T-Shirt

Created in 1904, the t-shirt was targeted to single men who couldn’t sew or replace buttons.

(Another) Fact Of The Day

Horses Can’t Vomit

Horses cannot vomit.  They are physically unable to do so, partly due to the fact that they have weak vomiting reflexes.  While all humans and many animals use vomit to rid their body of something toxic, horses (and rats and rabbits) do not.

I did not know that!

I wanted to throw this in before I close this out.  It was a cute little comment that I thought you guys would enjoy.