I have been fuming over something and didn’t think I needed to say anything, but, surprisingly, I find that I need to.  Maybe not for or to you guys, (I truly and deeply hope and pray that I don’t need to direct this at any of you guys) but maybe for me. 

I know that you have all heard about the horrible attack by Hamas on Israel.  This is so terrible for many, many reasons.  Beheading innocent civilians including old people, women, and even at least one infant.  That is absolutely disgusting.  The taking of hostages, raping said hostages again, including children.  Taking one older woman’s phone, filming her awful murder and putting it on her own Facebook page.  And it goes on and on.  

Hamas over the years has taken the money that many generous people have donated to the lawful and wonderful Palestinian people that was supposed to go to improving their housing, water, electricity and they’ve dug extensive tunnels under the Palestinian homes and THEY have good housing and water and electricity.  And if the Palestinians decide, well I’ll just dig my own well and get my own water.  The Hamas leadership tell them they can’t.

Everybody blames Israel all the time saying they shut off the electricity and water when they are the ones who were trying to help them.

Even now, Hamas kills and rapes and tortures.  The Israelis find out where the Hamas are hiding, they tell the regular Palestinians who are living there that they are going to attack that building or that neighborhood and that they should leave BEFORE they attack.  How is that a way to run a military campaign?  What other military force in the WORLD would do that sort of thing.  And then Hamas FORCES the Palestinians to stay, because they cowardly hide behind women and children.

Okay, so that paints my general picture.  That’s not the part that has me so fired up.  The part that has me so worked up is the insanity going on around the world where there is anti-Israel protests going on!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!  These people are trying to live on a tiny patch of land that’s about the size of New Jersey!  It’s the only place in the world they can call home.  It’s the land promised them by God in the Bible.  They are being so far past good it’s not even funny.  And THEY ARE THE BAD GUYS?!?!  

You protesters are brain dead.  I’m not saying that Israel’s leadership are all angels.  They’re not.  But in this…you guys are so wrong.  So very, very wrong.  One side is warning you ahead of time where they are going to be attacking and that you should probably not be there and the other side is raping and beheading children!  I’m sorry, if you can’t see the difference than you are not a human being, you’re an animal. 

And that’s all I really have to say about that. 

And now I’m going to go and take a break and come back.

Okay, I need to get some work done on this issue or it won’t get published.  I have the stupid enema on Monday, while you guys are reading this, I’ll be in the hospital with a tube shoved up my butt getting radioactive dye … okay, never mind.  Suffice it to say I’ll not be having a pleasant day.  And I’m worried about it and I have my church praying for me and I won’t even be able to go to church on Sunday because I’m working this weekend.  Yeah, life is difficult right now.

And for those of you who are about to say that God doesn’t ever give you any more than you can handle, that is NOT what it says in the Bible and that is NOT the truth of the matter.  That has to do with temptation.  You will never be tempted with more than you can overcome and there will always be a way back to forgiveness if you do fall into the sin of temptation.  That’s where that comes from.  God often gives you more than you can handle, for His glorification.  And nope, not gonna get into that right now because that is a MUCH longer conversation, but with a little bit of effort you can track down all of those answers yourself in the Bible.  For us, we need to laugh!

Spells that Work!

Spell to Get Measles

1. Find someone who has measles.

2. Lick them.

Spell to Turn Day Into Night

1) Stand facing a large tree or wall.

2) Close eyes tightly.

3) Keeping eyes closed, run straight ahead as fast as you can.

Spell to Breathe Under-Water

1) Attach concrete block to your feet.

2) Jump into water.

3) Breathe normally and sing the tune to “Flipper”.

4) Takes about 5 minutes for lungs to adjust.

Spell to Commune With Pink Elephants

1) Pour glass of vodka or alcoholic drink of choice.

2) Drink.

3) Repeat steps 1-3.

Spell to Attract Lightning

1) Cover yourself in metal: jewelry, chains, golf clubs, nails, nuts & bolts, hub-caps. Etc.

2) Go out into a thunderstorm and hold a long TV antenna high in the air.

3) Wait.

Spell to Stop a Runny Nose

1. Get two cotton balls.

2. Shove one up each nostril.

3. Tape them there.

Spell to Make a Person fall in Love with You

1. Call person at least thirty times a day.
   2. Park outside their house and shut your headlights off.
   3. Leave sweet tokens on doorstep (i.e.-roses without petals, a nice headless Barbie doll…).
   4. Follow them everywhere they go… careful, they’ll try to lose you!
   5. Don’t worry if they get that silly restraining order, that means the spell is working!

Spell to Make Your Computer Fast

1. Open Window.
2. Throw Computer out window.

(If the computer hit ground really fast, the spell worked.)

Spell to Save on Gas

1. Cut holes in floorboards of car.
2. Remove shoes.
3. While still seated, pedal feet really fast.
4. Scream “Yabba Dabba Do!”

Optional: Invite passengers to join in the fun!

A Spell to Go to the Bathroom

1) Drink so much water that you think you will burst.

2) Drink another glass anyway.

3) Wait ten minutes, then guzzle a can of Pepsi.

4) Repeat step 3 as often as desired to increase the  spell’s effect.

Alternate Spell to Go to the Bathroom

1. Eat a bushel of prunes.
2. Take a dose of Exlax.
3. Wait. Stay close to the bathroom!

WARNING:

Spells are not guaranteed. Use at your own risk.

An elderly lady hustled onto a crowded bus carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of a man and grabbed the overhead rail such that the picnic basket went hanging over the man’s head. The man politely offered the seat but the sweet lady declined saying she was going to get off soon.

Suddenly the man felt something dropping on his head.  He tilted his head to find out, the liquid was leaking and dripping, which went in his nose and ran down across his lips. He got the taste of it, looked up at the lady and asked with a smile, “Pickles, ay?”

The old lady replied, “No, no, puppies, dear!”

A minister is visiting his grandchildren to celebrate Christmas.

When he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.

His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows what it is. She replies, “Yes … it’s breakable.”

And that’s how Impish Dragon got sent to the principal’s office at least once.

They love me so much they even make sand art of me.

I understand Stephanie is quite the cook and not just in the fall.

I’m only kidding…and teasing her cause we’re friends…

She really can’t cook at all … no, no, no I mean, that’s not Stephanie!  Stop hitting me!!!

One of the best things about this time of year are those pumpkins.  Not a big candy corn fan, but those pumpkins…YUM!

And THIS stuff!!!!! 

I eat WAY too much of this!!

PICK-UP LINES FOR PIRATES

“I must be huntin’ treasure, ’cause I’m diggin’ yer chest.”

“Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber.”

“See this hook? Variable speed with five alternate attachments, Baby.”

“Nice poop deck on ya, lassie. Care fer a swabbin’?”

“Avast, me pretty! Strike your panties and prepare to be boarded.”

“I’ve hidden booty all over the Caribbean — but never have I seen one like yours!”

“That’s NOT my parrot talking, Sweetie!”

“That’s a lovely pair of 8-pounders you have there.”

“My peg-leg’s ribbed for your pleasure.”

“Why not climb my main mast and I’ll visit your crow’s nest.”

Those were bloody awful!!!!

A recent survey found that 85% of the guys who die while having sex are cheating on their spouse.

It’s not the sex that’s killing them.

It’s worrying about getting caught, they’re scared to death !

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. While shopping they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, “Come in! Come into my humble shop.” 

Once inside the shopkeeper said, “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.” 

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after hearing what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them.  The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?” 

The Pakistani man replied, “Just try dem on, Sahib.” 

After much badgering from his wife, he agreed to try them on.  As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes – something his wife hadn’t seen in many years…  raw sexual power. 

With a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, and yanked down his pants. 

The Pakistani began screaming: 

“YOU HAVE DEM ON THE  WRONG FEET !!! YOU HAVE DEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!!” 

“I think we took a wrong turn in Newark.”
“I think we’re IN Newark!”

The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. “You say you’re here,” he inquired, “because your family is worried about your taste in socks?”

“That’s correct,” muttered the patient. “I like wool socks.”

“But that’s perfectly normal,” replied the doctor. “Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks.”

“You DO?” exclaimed the man. “With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?”

I…okay…wait…what?

John and Greg driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic. John says, “Let’s stop here, and have our picnic under that tree.”

Greg says, “No! Let’s have it right here in the middle of the road.”

They fought for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road.

All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.

John says, “You were right! If we were under that tree, we’d be dead now!”

Sandra’s car was unreliable and she called Michael for a ride every time it broke down. One day Michael got yet another one of those calls. 

“What happened this time?” he asked. 

“My brakes went out,” Sandra said. “Can you come to get me?” 

“Where are you?” Michael asked. 

“I’m in the drugstore,” Sandra responded. 

“And where’s the car?” Michael asked. 

Sandra replied, “It’s in here with me.” 

No kidding!!!  I need a new fence and I want them to come over and build one for me just like that one!

I really, really, REALLY want to know the backstory behind this sign.  Why was it necessary to post it?  Why?

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.  The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him find something.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife and she directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

The salesgirl, obviously confused, says to the man, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”

He answers, “You see, it’s like this.  Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and rolling papers.  Because it is Sooooooo much cheaper.”

“So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!”

Somehow I think this guy is going to be back and he’s going to be going to the tampon aisle AND the first-aid aisle.

I went out with my girlfriend and asked her, “Why is it every time I go out with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?”

“Because I’m a prostitute.”

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.

Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.

“The good news,” he explained, “is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before.” The guy paled.

“If that’s the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?”

“Well,” the doctor elaborated, “the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog’s vet.”

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. 

After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception. 

“William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?”

“Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time.” 

“Wow, fifty dollars!” exclaimed the bride, “the monks only used to give us an apple…” 

This next one was sent to me by our good buddy Joe, from NJ.  I remember this one.  It was a HUGE feather in the cap of every 462 (Weapons Mechanic, Load Toad, Bomb Loader, whatever you wanted to call us) out there.  That was our AFSC (Air Force Specialty Code) 462X0 or 462 for short.  Just like now, I am a 3E9.  Not sure what the Weapons Mechanics are now.  All the AFSCs have changed.  Anyway, like I said, I remember this…it was WAY COOL!

Paddy and Mick are in the pub talking about their sex lives. 

Paddy boasts, “The wife and me go at it like rabbits every night!”

“You lucky bum!” replies Mick.  “I only get it once a month, and I call it the Bruce Lee night.”

“Why in the world do you call it that?” asked Paddy

Mick replied, “Because it’s the only night, I enter the dragon!!”

My daughter asked, “I hope you’re going to shave off that stupid mustache before we go on holiday!  It’s embarrassing.”

I was stunned.  Bravest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say to the wife.

I hate when people are outside when I’m trying to parallel park.  I need some privacy.

A teacher asks her class, “Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood’s girlfriend?”

Little Paddy raises his hand and says, “Yes Miss, it’s Trudy Glen.”

“No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion.”

“But Miss, what about the song?  ‘Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen!'”

A man I sometimes chat to in the park when walking our dogs was telling me this morning about his new rescue chickens.  He pretty much made my day when he told me he’d called them Hen Solo, Jabba the Cluck, Obi-Hen Kenobi, and Princess Layer.

I might be going mad, but are the two e’s in bee actually silent?

Okay, here’s another one from Joe…and this one is just plain nuts.  

A good relationship should make you feel strong, productive, and able to take over the world.

…Oh wait.  That’s coffee.  Coffee does that.

Got up at 5 am, ran 4 miles, came back, made a vegetable smoothie for breakfast, did 2 loads of laundry, mopped and vacuumed floors, and that’s all I remember about my dream.

And with that complete and total ridiculous statement bouncing around inside my head, I’ll end this one right here.  Remember to keep me in your prayers while you are reading this and may our good Lord Bless you and keep you until we meet again.