It’s Saturday morning and I have NO idea at this point, cause it’s currently Monday, what I will be doing.  That’s not normally like me.  I normally have everything planned out.  But this week has been so fluid, that I don’t know what’s going to happen.  So, all we have is today.  All the rest of it is in God’s hands.  And it’s all part of His plans. 

So, let’s move on to the laughter in our lives.  That is the fun part and the part that keeps the sun shining for us.

Here’s a great old joke sent in by Lynn.  I really like this joke because it joins so many different things together.  So, my dear camper friends, listen in and laugh along.

On a dark, moonless night, a captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.  He turns on his signal lamp and sends the following message, “Change your course 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed.  He signals, “I’m a US Navy Captain.  You must change your course, sir.”

The lone light is growing closer.  And soon it signals back, “I’m a Seaman First Class.  You must change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is mad.  He signals, “I’m an aircraft carrier.  I’m not changing my course.”

The light signals back a final message, “I’m a lighthouse.  Your call.”

Lynn sent me a video of Lego mechanics going over the new rules for mechanics.  But it was in a format that I couldn’t use.  So I went to YouTube looking for it and couldn’t find it.  But what I did find was the original video (comedy satire) it was based on.  So, I will show you that instead.

When you get to feeling your own self importance, remember this picture…send in by our own Leah D.

Photo of planet Earth (Pale Blue Dot) captured by Voyager 1 at a record distance of 5.9 billion km. (the radio signal took 5.5 hours to reach Earth), showing it against the background of space. This is absolutely mindblowing image of our home planet. Learn more about this image from here

https://www.futurespaceworld.com/voyager-1-captured-the…/

Another one of my baby pictures…

Ships don’t sink because of the water around them. Ships sink because of the water that gets inside of them. Moral of the story, don’t let what is happening around you, get inside of you and weigh you down.

What Shakespeare Really Meant

 While Shakespeare was a very wise man. But you’d never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare’s quotes into modern day English. It’s about time we  were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe. 

The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies. 

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let’s kill all the lawyers. Really. 

Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It’s OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would. 

Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips. 

Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once. 

I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether. 

Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you’re screwed. 

They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she’s really a man, listen to them. 

That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you’re desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex. 

O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn’t necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size. 

The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup. 

I’ll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don’t expect me to call the day after. 

Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country. 

Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you’re telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot. 

‘Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock. 

My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You’ve never had twins and you never will. Get over it.

Whatever happened to our favorite Disney characters? 

MICKEY MOUSE: Died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said “No” for 50 years. 

DONALD DUCK: Served as a main course at Epcot’s China Pavilion.

PLUTO: Caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed. 

GOOFY: Assassinated during first term as President of the United States. 

SCROOGE McDUCK: Died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS. 

HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE: Involved in an underground child pornography ring. 

CHIP & DALE: Extracted from Richard Gere’s colon.

SNOW WHITE: Fell for the “apple trick” again.

DOPEY: ’nuff said.

SNEEZY: Died of pneumonia with Jim Henson.

GRUMPY :Executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.

HAPPY: Killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.

DOC: Was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under bridges and eating out of used cat food cans. 

SLEEPY: Never woke up.

BASHFUL: Now a stripper with the Chippendales.

MARY POPPINS: Shot down over Iraqui airspace.

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN: Male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.

WINNIE THE POOH: Had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570. 

PIGLET: Gunned down in a mafia hit.

RABBIT: Died of an aneurism while watching over his garden.

EEYORE: Committed suicide.

TIGGER: Accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.

PETER PAN: Christopher Robin’s lover, committed suicide in despair.

TINKERBELL: Caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid. 

And this guy…he tied up a lot of friends of mine.  Well, not tied up really, as much as put in some other “zone”.  Well, let’s just say that he tasted worse than he looked.

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling West. 

It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. 

This, of course, is the origin of the statement, “He who has a Tates is lost.”

Adulting be like:

Paycheck:  $624.42
Bills:  $597.63

A lady failed the written driving test four times.  At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass. 

But the test had the same question, “You are driving at 60 mph.  On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff.  On the road you see an old man and a young man.  What will you hit?”

The woman walked up to to the examiner and said, “I’ve answered this question all four ways, wall, cliff, old man, and young man, yet I failed all four times.  How is this possible?  What am I supposed to hit??!?”

The examiner looked her right in the eye and replied, “The brakes!”

You guys are making me work.  You are sending me some really great stuff, but in formats that I can’t use, so I have to go out and find them in formats that I can use and it causing me way too much fun!  Let’s do this one from Leah D. first.

And now we’ll do this one from Stephanie.  The bad news is I have to give you the back story first because the video that I found doesn’t give you that.  The good news is that the video that I found gives you much more of the end story…so…

Here’s the back story.  Gainesville, Florida Police Officer Bobby White responded to a noise complaint.  The complaint was that there were kids being noisy while playing basketball in the street and the … um … “person” who would rather see them doing what?  playing video games?  smoking on the street corner?  robbing liquor stores? … who called it in thought that was a bad thing. 

When Officer White showed up, he obviously didn’t respond the way I’m sure the caller expected.  He played basketball with the kids for last little while of his shift, making good community connections, and even promised that he would be back after his shift to play a full pick-up game with them.

And that’s pretty much where the video picks up.  

And the video is right.  That’s a day those kids will never forget for the rest of their lives.  And maybe, just maybe it will make enough of a difference in their lives to actually make a difference in their lives.  But, who is the hero of the story?  Shaq?  For giving away $800 and a couple of hours of his “important” time, which I’m sure is worth much more than $800 an hour?  Nope.  Although what he did was truly a wonderful thing.  The real hero or heroes are Bobby White and the rest of those cops who handled that noise complaint the right way.  And built bridges instead of walls.  Who allowed  the kids to be kids.  Just like thousands of cops do every single day across this great country of ours.  Yes, I know, they’re not all like that, but the overwhelming majority of them are.  Most people don’t know it because it’s always the bad ones who get all the news coverage.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease.  Even right here in our little county in northern Indiana.  I gather there was an article somewhere about the “Worst Cop in the US” who came from Miami County Ohio.  OHIO!  Well, these rocket scientists around here started flinging mud about our cops with a link to the article, even though the headline of the article said Ohio.  Someone would point out that it was an article about Ohio and then another person would pipe right in with another derogatory comment quoting the article again.  Time after time after time after time.  And it’s like, “Hey!  Genius!  You can’t look right above what you just posted to see the last dozen people said the exact same thing and got shot down?  Not to mention that WE DON’T LIVE IN OHIO!  We don’t have anyone on our force by that name and we don’t even have lieutenants in our rank structure.  All of which have been mentioned time and time again, if you would just READ!!!”  But they don’t.  Because it’s easier and more fun to cast blame or shame or negativity, than to say what a good job someone is doing.  And the majority of the cops are doing a darn good job! 

Okay, I gotta get off this soapbox or I’ll be here all day.  And I’ve got stuff to do.

And here’s another good one sent in by Joe from NJ.

Confused about the meaning of Service?

I become confused when I hear the word Service used with these agencies:

• Internal Revenue Service

• US Postal Service

• Cable TV Service

• Civil Service

• Federal, State, City, & Public Service 

• Customer Service

This is NOT what I thought Service meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had bought a bull to Service his cows.

BAM ! … It all came into focus.

• Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am.

Behold the warranty… the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.

― Tom Waits (1949-)

A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on.  Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

I’ll have to ask my farmer buddies if it’s getting close to corn syrup season around here.

A thief who tried to nick a fur hat in the north-eastern Russian town of Vologda is recovering from his injuries. 

When the man put his hand to the hat, the coat’s collar bit and scratched him so badly that stitches were required. 

The hat’s owner explained to the police that he was wearing his Siamese cat as protection against the sub-zero temperatures.

Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it.  First kid says, “My daddy’s a baker. That’s b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat.”

Second kid says, “My daddy’s a banker.  That’s b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys.”

Next kid says, “My daddy’s an electrician. That’s e-l-a-k…uh, e-l-e-x…uh….”

Teacher interrupts, saying, “That’s okay, Rayford.  Think about it and we’ll come back to you.”  Turning to Little Johnny, she says, “You’re next, Johnny.”

Little Johnny says, “My daddy’s a bookie.  That’s b-o-o-k-i-e, and I’ll lay you odds ten to one Rayford don’t ever spell electrician.”

Here’s a whole bunch of different kinds of Taters

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called “Spec Taters”.

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.
They are called “Comment Taters”.

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don’t want to soil their own hands.
They are called “Dick Taters”.

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called “Agie Taters”.

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called “Hezzie Taters”.

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called “Emma Taters”.

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called “Sweet Taters”.

What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Bad Golfer:  “Whack!”  “Crap!”

Bad Skydiver:  “Crap!!”  “Whack!!”

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards.

The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

“This is a very smart dog,” the man commented.

“Not so smart,” said one of the players. “Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

Okay, I know it’s a gif and it’s on a loop, but it still cracks me up!

A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman’s bra.

That’s correct. While unfastening a woman’s stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries.

Actually, I can vouch for that.

I got injured today while trying to undo a woman’s bra.

When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas.

A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor for  having used the same tests for the past 35 years. 

“Don’t you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that all of your students know EXACTLY what’s on the test before they sit for it?” 

“Doesn’t matter,” replied the professor. “You must realize that with a subject like economics the answers are different each year!” 

ROFLMAO!  So very, very true!

You just knew, the way things were going, I had to throw my two-copper pieces in at least one more time before this one was over, didn’t you?  I guess my lead in the other day…um…Monday, struck a couple of nerves, which is a good thing.  The one on the Christian website and Columbus / Indigenous Peoples’ Day.  You remember…  Well, I’ve gotten several comments about this and I’m going to share them and talk a bit…if that’s okay with you guys.

And if it’s not okay with you guys, I’m going to do it anyway.