Well, today (the day I’m writing this, not the day you’re reading this) is Thursday.  So, I’m in court! 

NOT!

My court case got canceled! 

I never even got a chance to be turned down for Jury duty.  They called me the day before yesterday and cancelled my case.  So, either someone made a plea deal or someone got in MORE trouble or filed a continuance or something to that effect.  But, regardless, The Dragon Has Left The Courthouse!  Actually, the dragon never entered the courthouse, but … well … you get the idea. 

But I still took the day off work.  Just not for Court Duty.  I had to take my own leave instead of Administrative Leave.  AND I missed out on that juicy $1.57 mileage check.  Really bummed about that.  I had big plans for that money.

So, in order to get me out of my depressive state, we just HAVE to have some laughter, right?  So…

Here is a Classic old sign…

Here’s a very strange article sent in by our own Stephen B…

Brain-eating cannibal back in public life after 10 years in psychiatric hospital

Tyree Smith, from Bridgeport, Connecticut, killed a homeless man and then ate his brain and eyeballs. Ten years after being committed to a state psychiatric hospital for 60, he has been released.

A man who killed and ate a man has been released back into public life 

A man who killed and ate a man has been released back into public life after ten years.

Tyree Smith, from Bridgeport, Connecticut, killed a homeless man and then ate his brain and eyeballs according to officials.

The horrific case made headline news, with Smith found not guilty of murder by reason of insanity after a July 2013 trial.

In lieu of a stint behind bars, Smith was ordered committed to a state psychiatric hospital for 60 years.

But now, ten years after the grim incident, the state Psychiatric Security Review Board said Smith was ready to be transitioned back into the community.

Smith has been released from the facility, Connecticut’s most secure, as of writing.

He will be living in a Waterbury group home, and is not allowed to associate with anyone involved in criminal activity.

The board stated in its report: “Tyree Smith is an individual with a psychiatric illness requiring care, custody and treatment. “Since his last hearing Tyree Smith has continued to demonstrate clinical stability.  Mr. Smith is medication compliant, actively engaged in all recommended forms of treatment, and has been symptom-free for many years.”

Angel Gonzalez’ mutilated body was found in the vacant apartment where Smith once lived.

During the trial, Smith’s cousin Nicole Rabb claimed he arrived at her Connecticut home in December 2011, talking about Greek gods and ruminating about needing to go out and get blood.  When she saw him the next evening she noticed what appeared to be specks of blood on his pants and that he was carrying chopsticks and a bloody ax.  Smith then allegedly told Rabb he killed a man and ate his brains in the Lakeview Cemetery while drinking sake, and grimly warned he intended to eat more people.

A month later, police found Angel Gonzalez’s mutilated body in the vacant apartment on Brooks Street in Bridgeport where Smith had lived as a child.

Police later recovered the bloody ax and an empty bottle of sake in a stream bed near the Boston Avenue cemetery.

Smith will be living in a Waterbury group home, and is not allowed to associate with criminals 

The defense’s case rested on the testimony of Yale University psychiatrist Dr. Reena Kapoor, who testified that Smith had kept his lust for human flesh after his arrest, even offering to eat her.

Kapoor claimed Smith suffered from psychotic incidents since childhood and heard voices that told him to kill people.  She then said the voices ordered Smith to eat the victim’s brain so they would get a better understanding of human behavior and the eyes so that they could see into the “spirit realm.”

Kapoor added that Smith went to Subway after eating the man’s body parts.

The report on Smith’s release said: “He denied experiencing cravings but stated that if they were to arise, he would reach out to his hospital and community supports and providers.”

(Oh, I am so sure he will.)

Yup, I agree with you, Stephen.  I’m sure he will definitely reach out…to someone.

And this one was sent in by Lynn…

Next, we have several pictures of people who have “discovered” themselves in Art Museums.  That must have truly been a freaky experience!

One day while stitching a cut on the hand of an old Iowa farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Joe Biden and his upcoming role as the likely Democratic nominee for re-election as president.

The old farmer said, “Well, as I see it, Joe Biden is like a damn ‘post tortoise’.”

Being from the city and not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, “What is a post tortoise?”

The old farmer said, “You know. When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise.”

The old farmer saw the very puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued, “It’s quite simple. You know that he didn’t get up there by himself, that he doesn’t really belong up there, that he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, that he is elevated far beyond his ability to function, and that you just have to ask yourself what kind of dumb ass morons put him way up there in the first place?”

Let’s finish up the surprise art…

One of my favorite pictures.  Relaxed, on the soft forest floor, cool summer day…It’s a good picture.

There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite late.

One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like a wreck.

His wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came home so late.

He replied, “Well, after I left work today, a few friends and I went out to the bar for a few drinks.

We met up with some rather good-looking young women and started to drink to excess. Things just kept happening, as you can well see.

I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed home.”

She screamed, “You liar! You were in the lab again, weren’t you?”

Now THAT, is pretty darn bad…

Wow!  Is that how you guys feel after Monday waiting on Thursday to get here?

A really drunk man was walking along the street one day. 

He was staggering quite a bit, and made two nuns that were approaching him very nervous. 

The two nuns split apart – one walked to the man’s left and one walked to the man’s right. 

After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said, “Now how in the heck did she do that”? 

So, Sasquatch sent me a part of a video that I couldn’t use.  But it was one of those WOW videos, so I searched and found the original.  Now, according to what Sasquatch sent me, it was called “The most important video you’ll watch all year!” and the one I found was the WHOLE video.  Much longer and complete.  So, here it is on YouTube where you can watch it.  It starts off a little slow, but stick with it.  It really jumps into it at the six minute mark.

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. 

After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. 

“Fine,” said the pleased mother. “If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you.” 

“Oh, I didn’t ask Him to help me not misbehave,” said Johnny. “I asked Him to help you put up with me.” 

Whatever works

The new pastor decided to visit the children’s Sunday School. The teacher introduced him and said, “Pastor, this morning we’re studying Joshua.”

“That’s wonderful,” said the new Pastor, “let’s see what you’re learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?”

Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, “Pastor, I didn’t do it.”

Taken aback the Pastor asked, “Come on, now, who tore down the walls  of Jericho?”

Teacher, interrupting, said, “Pastor, Billy’s a good boy. If he says  he didn’t do it, I believe he didn’t do it.”

Flustered, the Pastor went to the Sunday School director and related the story to him.

The Director looking worried, explained, “Well, sir, we’ve had some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him and see what we can do.”

Really bothered now, by the answers of the teacher and the director, the new Pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story, including the responses of the teacher and the director.

A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said, “Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that.”

Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody else has thought.

~ Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi (Hungarian Biochemist 1893-1986)

The man who gives in when he is wrong … is wise;

The man who gives in when he is right … is married.

Reminds me of another old and wise saying:  There are only two times you never argue with your wife.  When you are right and when you are wrong.  And if you ARE arguing with your wife and you ARE right, apologize immediately!

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff for a medical degree?” the young man blurted out.

“To save lives,” the professor replied before continuing the lecture.

In a few minutes, the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?”

The professor stared at the student for a long time.

“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”

Two Englishmen walking through the woods with a large Salmon under each arm when they met two Irishmen, Michael and Donal. 

“Hey there’s some wonderful salmon, where did you get them?” 

“Don’t tell anyone,” replied the Englishmen, “but we poached them out of the river.” 

“How did you do that?” asked Donal 

“Well, Fred here dangles over the bridge, I hang on to his legs and when the salmon leap out of the water on their way upstream, he just catches them.” 

“We’ll try that Michael me boy.” says Donal 

They get to the bridge and Donal hangs Michael over the edge of the bridge by his legs, after about twenty minutes Michael screams… 

“Quick pull me up, pull me up!” 

“Have you got a salmon?” asks Donal, 

“No,” replies Michael “but there’s a train coming.” 

That is SUCH a cool picture.

Picking up the Sunday paper at the corner stand, I ran into one of my neighbors doing the same, and said, “I hear you have an anniversary coming up soon, is that right?”

He replied,   “Yep, a big one… 20 years.”

“Wow,” I exclaimed and asked, “what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?”

My neighbor replied, “We’re going on a trip to Australia.”

“Jeez, Australia, that’s some gift!” said I. just a wee bit envious.  “That’s going to be hard to beat. What are you planning to do for your 25th anniversary?”

“Go back and get her.”

Don’t you just feel all warm and fuzzy all over now?  

Nah, me neither.

Really Important Stuff My Kids Have Taught Me

1. It’s more fun to color outside the lines.

2. If you’re going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

3. Ask why until you understand.

4. Hang on tight.

5. Even if you’ve been fishing for 3 hours and haven’t gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you’re still better off than the worm.

6. Make up the rules as you go along.  The government is very good at this one.  I use this one every day at work.

7. It doesn’t matter who started it.  Again, this one matters quite a bit at work.  You must make sure that, where it matters, you have evidence that points to someone else starting it.  Unless it’s something good, then you have to have evidence of you starting it (preferably in someone else’s hands, so you can also look humble)

8. Ask for sweets.

9. If the horse you’re drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog. And also claim that’s what you were drawing all along.

10. Save a place in line for your friends.

11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you’ve finished studying.  I’ve found that’s pretty much ALL the time.

12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
     That is also my rule for governmental budgeting.  I ALWAYS ask for twice what I want.  And invariably get half what I need.  I told that to my boss (the big boss, not my immediate supervisor) once.  And she got upset with me.  But, then saw that my section was the only one that was fully funded for that fiscal year when every other one wasn’t.  I, very imaginatively justify the doubled amount, even though it is all made up nonsense and then when about half of it is denied, like it normally is, I’m right where I wanted to be.  When everyone else gets their legitimate budgets cut in half, they are lost trying to scramble around and make it work out.  On those RARE occasions when I actually DO get what I ask for, I look like an incredible HERO at the end of the year, when I turn back like half of my annual budget because I managed to SAVE the American taxpayer some money.  It’s all just numbers on a column anyway.  But, why cause yourself so much stress? 

Well, isn’t that something to be so proud of.

Yup, I agree.  Like I said once before.  I can’t be a vegetarian.  I eat things that eat vegetables.

A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts. 

The doctor gave her the choice of either having an implant or wearing a special bra that inflates when you flap your arms up and down. 

The woman chose the bra. 

The next day she went to a bar to try out her new bra. She saw an attractive man sitting alone at the bar. 

Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man, who had started flapping his legs. 

“I see we have the same doctor,” he said. 

Hmmm, how many youngsters aren’t going to get that one? And just because I like to, let’s go back 58 1/2 years, all the way back to April of 1965 with this one…

One of my favorite parts of the show!  Going back in time and showing the youngsters the stuff we used to listen to when we were their age.

It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed.

I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back.

Then the bus driver took over.

“Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen,” he shouted.  “Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?”

You know, it cracks me up.  I’ve been getting SO many emails lately with so many obvious scams.  
“Please open your invoice”
“Your UPS package”
“Thank you for renewing your subscription…just click here…”
Over and over and over again.  Sometimes three and four times a day.  And all you have to do is click the link or open the pdf and you’re infected with their virus.  And I guess people must be doing it, or they wouldn’t keep trying it.  So, folks, I’m sure most of you are way too smart to worry about this, but in case you have family or friends who aren’t, please let them know, unless you are 100% sure that the invoice or subscription or whatever is DEFINITELY something you ordered, don’t click on any link or open any attachment sent to you by someone you don’t know.  And even if it is someone you know, double check the email address they are sending it from if it sounds like something they wouldn’t send to you.
That’s my Impish Dragon Public Service Announcement for the day!

Mrs. Grednick, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting.

“My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure,” she lamented to the  woman next to her.

“Well,” the lady replied, “what’s wrong with that? You’ll feel better, too.”

“You don’t understand. He likes to do it while I’m stuck at these damn meetings.”

A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when Little Johnny, covered in soot said to him respectfully, “Sir, can you tell me the time?” 

The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, “It is a quarter to three, young man.” 

“Thanks,” said Johnny. “At exactly three o’clock you can kiss my ass.” 

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He has not been running long when an old friend stopped him. “Why are you running like this at your age?” asked the friend. 

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, “That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!” 

“So what’s your hurry?” said the friend. “You still have ten minutes.” 

Wendy meets Tammy for lunch. “You’re looking very tired today, Tammy. Did you have a late night?” 

“Yes,” replies Tammy, “but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. 

He gave me a choice of two wishes.” 

“Wow,” says Wendy, “so what were the choices he gave you, Tammy?” 

“He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory  or else he could give my boyfriend a bigger penis.” 

“So tell me already, Tammy, what did you choose?” 

“I can’t remember,” replies Tammy. 

Can you imagine if you were a kid and every week your carrots came in a bag marked potatoes?  It’s the only bag the grocery store had.  Everyone knows that they are carrots because you can see through the bag, so they don’t worry about it.  And you grow up thinking that you pronounce the word carrot, and it is spelled p o t a t o e s.  And then you go to school and find out how silly you are and go home and beat your parents with a carrot stick.

This one is from Joe from NJ and these are some really cool pictures

I guess a little truth in advertising is a good thing…but I don’t think that it’s a surprise to anyone who lives in the area. 

And that’s it my friends.  I hope you guys enjoyed the episode as much as I did.  May your day be blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet here again.  And remember…