What day is today?

Today is Thursday!

The day that this dragon has been called in for Jury duty!  So, I won’t know until after you guys read this whether or not I’ve been selected as a juror, but we’ll see.  I almost hope that I am since I’ve never done it before.  But, we shall see…and then I’ll share with you guys.

But, I’m writing this from the perspective of Sunday, after starting the day with a GREAT sermon from Pastor at church this morning, then doing my normal Sunday chores.  Sunday is about the only day that I have specific chores for a specific day.  

That’s weird, right?

Well, Monday is trash day, so Sunday is trash collection day.  Go through the house, empty all the waste baskets and the main trash can in the kitchen, check for any boxes that might need broken down or anything in the fridge that might need thrown out, that sort of thing.  On a bad Sunday, takes 15 minutes to do with trading out of trash liners.  Today, it was about 5 minutes.  

The other “have to” chore on Sunday is setting up next week’s medicine.  That can often be somewhat of a chore.  ‘Nuff said about that.  In fact, ’nuff said about a lot of stuff.  So, everyone grab your gear, head for the next stop on your journey and I’ll see you on the other side…

This is now the debate de jour.  Which side is bigger or which way do you prefer your toast cut or some other silly thing that has to do with the way it is cut.  Does it really make any possible difference to anyone?  And why do these things go around the internet sometimes?  

My three-year old daughter was talking to me while I shaved. The topic was cartoons, television and reality. She was going into great detail about the characters in the Dragon Tales cartoon. 

When she finished I said, “Honey, are cartoons real?” 

“No.” was her brief reply. 

“Is TV real?” I said looking at her. 

“No.” 

“I’m glad you know those things aren’t real,” I said patting her head. 

“You know what’s real?” she asked wide-eyed. 

“You tell me.” 

“Monsters are real!” she said walking out. 

“No they’re not!” I called after her. 

“Yes they are!” 

“No they’re not!” 

“Yes they are!” 

“No, honey,” I said. “Those scary things that occasionally come into our house is only Mommy’s family…” 

THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE!

1. If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.

5. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?

6. If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

7. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

8. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?

9. Money talks. Chocolate sings.

10. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

11. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
    A. Because no one wants to quit.

12. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

13. Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks  the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

 Well, the plan went off without a  hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

“Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s a battery salesperson.”

“Batteries?” cried the wife ……………………….

 “Yes” he replied.

“Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”

“He’s…he’s right behind me, isn’t he?”

Well, I’d say that qualifies as a “how in the world did that happen?”

That’s a great line!

Understanding relationships:

ATTRACTION- The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT- What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING- The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL- Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around young children.

EASY- A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT- A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND- A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE- A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man  as “playing hard to get.”

INTERESTING- A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT- What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY- How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC- A man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID- A man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or one who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER- Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG- A man’s term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just sex.

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time. 

A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip. 

“I don’t think I’m ever going to do that again!” says the first guy. “Since we’ve been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers ‘7 come 11’ all night long. I haven’t had a wink of sleep!” 

“I hear ya, buddy,” the second guy replies. “My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we’ve been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers ‘hit me light, hit me hard’. I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!” 

“You guys think you have it bad!” exclaims the third guy. “My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!” 

Joe from NJ sent this email to me concerning one of the items from an earlier issues…

How many caught the typo?

_________________

Threw out my back sleeping and tweaked my neck sneezing so I’m probably just on strong fart away from complete paralysis.

So…did you catch it?

At the Fairy Picnic

I hate when I go out in public and the public is there.

I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy a souvenir from America and turn it over, then find out it was made in China.

Weight Loss Goals:  To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

This picture goes way back…mom looks really good in this picture.

Fact Of The Day:

The Largest Flying Bird

Say hello to the Andean Condor, the largest flying bird on Earth.  Found in the Andes Mountains of Peru, the condor weighs in at approximately 27 pounds, stands 48 inches tall, and has an amazing wingspan of 14 feet.

I golfed with a hilarious 78 year old man, and he was dishing out life tips the whole time.  The most couldn’t care less guy I’ve ever met. 

He tells me after the round, “Don’t talk to me in the parking lot, my wife is picking me up and she thinks I went deaf five years ago.”

What a legend.

You know you’re getting old when you run into your friends at the pharmacy instead of the night club.

Stephanie, who sent the above meme to me, both agreed that they do indeed marry each other…since both of us were proof.

If I ordered an axe from overseas and had it shipped, I would have a foreign axe sent.

The Wizard of Oz is 84 years old!  If Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, heart, or courage, she wouldn’t be in Oz.  She’d be in D.C.

Yup…I agree.  In fact, that might be the stupidest thing I’ll read all week.

We should be able to call in healthy.  “Look, I’m not coming into the office today.  I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work.”

I keep telling myself to stop talking to weirdos, but then I would not have any friends left.

It was so windy that when I was walking to the gym, I got blown into the liquor store!

That is one old ticket!!

Count Dracula was 412 when he moved to England in search of new blood.

Sauron was 54,000 years old when he forged The One Ring.

Cthulhu had seen galaxies flare into life and fade to darkness before he put madness in the minds of men.

It’s never too late to follow your dreams!

Just imagine coming home late and getting into bed with your girlfriend.  You tell her a funny story and the guy under the bed starts laughing, too.

Fact Of The Day:

Rent A Pineapple

Once upon a time, 18th century England to be exact, pineapples were rented for the night.  They were such a status symbol that people would rent one and take it with them to a party or gathering.

The riddle:  These 7 words all have something in common.  See if you can figure out what it is! 
1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

The Answer:  In all the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

My favorite character in the Wizard of Oz is the Scarecrow.  I mean, come on, it’s a no-brainer.

Me either…truly.  Except these…that’s it my friends.  May your days be Blessed by God above until we meet here again.  Love and Happiness be showed down upon you all.