As days turn into weeks turn into months, sometimes there are so many things going on that you forget things.  Things that you meant to do and to follow up on, to check on, but you forget.  They slip your mind.  Especially as you get older.  Am I getting old enough that I’m becoming forgetful?  Or is it that I’m just so busy, that I’m pushing myself so hard, that things are beginning to drop along the side?  I’m sitting here thinking that today is Friday and the last time I remember the television set being on…now, we don’t have cable any longer, so it hasn’t been on NEAR as much, but it’s still been on.  Internet, Prime, Netflix, that sort of stuff…but the last time I remember it being on, was last Sunday night when I watched the recording of  the church service from earlier in the day.

Which means I never even turned it on for noise this week.

Which means it is understandable why I forgot to check up on a buddy of mine who I told myself to check up on him.
And I didn’t.
And I feel bad about that.
I’ve let him down.

I almost feel like I need to start carrying a notebook around with me to keep notes.  Maybe I should, probably won’t read it though.

[And as a side note to brother Wheats, we’ll both go sailing in Heaven my friend.  The Earth will be changed back to perfection, we will be given perfect bodies, imagine what that will be like…perfection all around.]

And for the rest of you…Let’s move on to other things.  I must go to bed soon.  Even though it’s Friday night, I have to get up early and I was 3 hours late getting home from work today.  I want to get a couple of laffs in before I put this up for the night, so …

Let’s do some mail real quick…

You can’t do without your phone for the length of time it takes to get a haircut?  The human race is doomed!

This next one was sent in by our dear and special friend Stephanie.  And it is AWESOME!!

AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS

The following has been written by the late Douglas Adams of “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” fame.

“Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea.

Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the “Great Australian Bight”, proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can’t spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.

Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.

Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else.

A stick is very useful for this task.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died.

The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man’s proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.  They also discovered a stick that kept coming back.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.

More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert – equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on ‘extended holiday’ and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching

a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a sour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the ‘Grass is greener on the other side of the fence’ syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land “Oz” or “Godzone” (a verbal contraction of “God’s Own Country”). The irritating thing about this is… they may be right.

TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA

Don’t ever put your hand down a hole for any reason – WHATSOEVER.

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.

Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning is imperative.

Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.

Wear thick socks.

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.

If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die. And don’t forget a stick.

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS

They pronounce Melbourne as “Mel-bin”.

They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

They think “Woolloomooloo” is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that “Wagga Wagga” can be abbreviated to “Wagga”, but “Woy Woy” can’t be called “Woy”.

Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it’s a must-have.

How else do you get a stain on your shirt?

They don’t think it’s summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

And they all carry a stick.. 😊 🇦🇺

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

-Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

I love that story.  I’m pretty sure I’ve run it before, but it’s so funny it’s worth running again.

“No, this is my toy!  And you can’t have it!”

A girl, who was not quite four years old, was alone in the house when the phone rang. She answered it and was told that Mr. Brown was calling.  “I’m sorry, no one is here. Can I take a message?” she said.

Mr. Brown replied, “Certainly.”

After a pause, Mr. Brown heard, “O.K., I’m ready. Who did you say this is?”

“Mr. Brown.”

“How do you spell Brown?”

“B-r-o-w-n.”

A long pause, and then, “How do you make a B?”

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience. Father O’Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

“Wellll,” he says, in a fine Irish brouge, “Ey wint oot into th’ wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi’ me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle…WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God’s HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An’ jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God’s HOOOOLY word.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says, “Oy! You don’t know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures.”

I had a leak in my roof over my dining room, so I called a roofer to take a look at it.

“When did you first notice the leak?” he asked.

I told him, “Last night, when it took me four hours to finish my soup!”

“Lady, Lady on the ball, Who’s the most perfect dragon of them all?”

Reaching into a pair of pants and finding money is a good feeling…

…until the person wearing the pants starts screaming at you.

I placed an Instacart grocery order today, and got a text that the store is out of the brand of hummus I ordered, so naturally they’re replacing it with Neutrogena nighttime face cream.

And how many of the younglings aren’t going to get that one?

People are waiting on God to heal the land when in reality God is waiting on the people to repent and turn from their wicked ways.

When you feel like you are drowning in Life, don’t worry about it — your lifeguard walks on water.

I NEVER CALLED YOU UGLY

All I said was:
“I bet you could Trick Or Treat over the telephone”

That’s awful!!!

“Stay away from negative people.  They have a problem for every solution.”

~ Albert Einstein

Absolutely.  Because “They” are the ones who are ON it.

WARNING:  Do NOT give Rice Krispies to young children!  I ate them as a youngster.  Now, when I stand up, I snap, crackle, and pop!

Between 1912 and 1948, the Olympics gave out medals for sculptures, painting, architecture, music, and literature in addition to sports competitions.

Little Boy:  Teacher are you…sleeping in class? 

Teacher:  No, I am not sleeping in class. 

Little Boy:  What were you doing, sir? 

Teacher:  I was talking to God.

The next day the naughty boy fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him… 

Teacher:  Young man, are you sleeping in my class? 

Little Boy:  Not me sir, I am not sleeping. 

Angry Teacher:  What were you doing?? 

Little Boy:  I was talking to God. 

Angry Teacher:  What did he say?? 

Little Boy:  God said He never spoke to you yesterday.

I don’t know who needs to know this but, even if a bear wears socks and shoes he still has bear feet!

Okay, this is just…weird.  Stephanie brought up that it could’ve been the police who put that in the paper in an attempt to draw out the killer.  I can see that.  That’s pretty deep.  I’d LOVE to know how this one worked out.

If mediums can communicate with the dead imagine what a large could do!

Only in Florida…Nah!  I’m sure there’s people like that everywhere!

Okay, here’s some suggestions for Unsociable people:  Simply pop your coat on before answering your front door.  If it’s someone you don’t want to see, you can say you are on our way out.  In the unlikely event it’s someone you DO want to see, you can simply say you’ve just arrived home.

Nah!  It’s actually not as cool as the Monopoly thing.

A guy walks into an antique store and says, “What’s new?”

They kicked him out.

Experts:  A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Actual Human Beings:  I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips or not.

No kidding.  Makes you want to say, “Hey, what’s going on Little Guy?  Are you alright?  What happened?  Who hurt you?” 

And with that thought in mind, it’s time to put this issue to bed.  At the last minute, I would like to add a thank you to:

William F.

Thank you for your generosity.  It is deeply appreciated.  Truly.  And another donation means I’ll bring up again that you have just a short while longer for me to bother you about making a donation to your favorite ezine.  And that’s all I’m going to say about that. 

So, until we meet again, may God Bless you with Love and Happiness and remember…