A lot of people I know are getting sick with the Election Variant of Covid.  It started a bit early.  But, it will probably give them a good excuse to start their mask mandates and their shot mandates and all the other controls they want to put into place.  

The thing is, I don’t think it’s going to work out for them this time like it did for them last time.  Even the sheep aren’t going to go along with the nonsense rules this time around.  Too many people learned too many different things that just weren’t true last time around.  

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Anyway, While you’re reading this, I’m probably at a special event for the Substance Abuse Prevention Council of Miami County as a representative of Miami County Living Free.  Boy, that’s a lot of words in a row.  We’ll have a table/booth set up there and pass out pamphlets and try to help some people with life controlling problems.

I wish they could all be helped with laughter…sometimes it goes beyond that.  But, for us, let’s get our fix going.

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. 

After inquiring about each other’s health one asked how the other’s husband was doing. 

“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!” 

“Oh dear! I’m very sorry.” replied her friend “What did you do?” 

“Opened a can of peas instead.” 

We are now in for a plethora of Dilbert!! 

I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. I’d finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on the job.

How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it.

A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear end and asked the second most stupid question I’ve ever heard, “Are you reading that paper?”

I stood up, turned the page, sat right back down on the paper and answered, “Yes.”

Computer Literacy

So you think you’re computer-illiterate?

Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article — this from some years back when CD-ROM drives were standard. But since “You can’t fix stupid,” this still applies today.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, “the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid”. The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked “What power switch?”

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”
Tech: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
Tech: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”
Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

“Burp!  Gotta love those afternoon snacks!”

I would like to take a moment to thank some more  contributors, 

Kristine M.     Theodore K.     Robert B.

Your generosity is much appreciated.  Truly, all of you guys are the best.  Still a little time left for you guys to get in on the action.  Every little bit helps.  You can hit the donate button at the top right hand column of the web page or if you don’t like to use PayPal, you can write to me at any of my numerous email addresses and I can send you the snail mail address and you can send a check or something to that effect.

impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com     impishdragon@gmail.com     impishdragon@hotmail.com

More Help Desk Calls…

In my 5+ decades in the computer business, I’ve seen some really bad operator failures, but here are the 3 of the worst that come to mind:

At an unnamed university affiliated hospital in NC, an operator placed a bucket on top of a computer rack to catch a drip from condensation off the A/C duct. You guessed it, the bucket finally filled and overflowed into the rack and then was overturned into the rack by the operator while trying to remove it. Cost (insurance claim): 180 K$

NOAA was setting up 3 separate mirrored locations with all their accumulated weather data – 384TB. The method was to purchase 3 systems, set them up side by side and over months, all the data from tape was copied onto the 3 machines. One then remained in DC. The other two had all the disks removed and labeled and then were shipped in air conditioned trucks (to prevent moisture condensation on the disk platters) to the two remote locations – one in WV and one in NC. These were complicated storage systems using an ADIC shared file system, an SGI system controller and > 500 drives in multiple racks. The one in NC was constantly experiencing issues due to relatively unskilled contractors. One night, one of the contractors was playing around with the ADIC file system and provisioning new INodes. He unintentionally provisioned 1,000 new INodes OVER the root INode structure, essentially wiping out 384TB of data with a single keystroke. The file system company sent two engineers on site for a month, but finally gave up and could not recover the data. The system was disassembled and sent back to DC to be re mirrored which took months. Set back the entire program by months and cost untold amounts of $.

And finally, a contractor admin working in the data center of a major bank one night accidentally knocked the plastic cover off the EPO (emergency power off) button in the data center. While replacing the cover, he accidentally hit the button instantly taking down the entire data center (in a very ungraceful manner) and over 200 ATM locations for roughly a day. The bank fired not only the CIO, but also the contracting company, who then went bankrupt, plus the bank sued them and they sued the bank. I heard this one directly from the sad individual who accidentally pushed the button while we were interviewing him for an SE position. (As I recall, we hired him, partly based on his honesty)

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ‘Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?’

She giggles and shyly replies, ‘Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.’ St. Peter says, ‘Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.’

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question; ‘Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?’ The girl is a little reluctant but replies, ‘Well, once I fondled and stroked one.’ St. Peter says, ‘Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.’

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, ‘Reeva, What seems to be the rush?’

The girl replies, ‘If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it!’

Relaxing before dinner

That has got to be in the World’s Top 5 Book Shelves!

Pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt…

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, it seems pretty painful…

Yup.  That’s about right.

Okay, Ladies Please!  Pay attention, PLEASE!

It’s “Fell In Love”

NOT “Felon Love”

You all deserve so much better than that.

My best friend passed away recently.  Grieving before his grave I said, “Bro, I really missed you.  My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now.  How about you reincarnate as my child?”

One month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy.  As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.  I’m really happy that my prayer worked…

I hate strip clubs.

I can’t touch her, she won’t touch me, I can’t touch myself, and she gets all my cash.

It’s like being home with the wife!

When I was in class 7, I used to ask a lot of questions…!

One day, I asked my English Teacher, “Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H …in hour, Honor…etc. …????

My English Teacher said, “We are not ignoring them; they’re considered silent”

(I was even more confused…????)

During the lunch break, my Teacher gave me her packed lunch and asked me to heat it in the Cafeteria. 

I ate all the food and returned her the empty container….!!!!

My English Teacher:  What happened?  I told you to go and HEAT my food, you are returning me an empty container.

I replied, “Madam, I thought ‘H’ was silent.”

Dedicated to all English Teachers

I’m actually weirder than you think.

If it wasn’t for the fact that they actually used that one, it would be much funnier than it is.

I have 1,000 Mars bars in my fridge and my friend has 1 in his.  I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.  This is how celebrity charity appeals work.

The Sargasso Sea, a region in the middle of the North Atlantic Ocean, is the only sea that has no coast

You don’t get a body like mine overnight. 

It takes years of moderate neglect and bacon.

How come bills never go on sale?

Like rent 25% off or pay 2 electricity bills and get the next one free.

I was asked what I look for in a relationship.  Apparently, “A Way Out” wasn’t the right answer.

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, “What rotten luck I’ve had today! What in the world should I do now?”

A man standing next to her suggests, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing  they notice about a woman is their eyes.

And  women say the first thing they notice about men is  they’re a bunch of liars.

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in the Isle of Man.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs.

She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.

Again, she didn’t know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.

The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…

 

(Please scroll page down.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What were you thinking?

 

Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

 

I got myself a senior’s GPS.  Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

I made a huge To Do list for today.

I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

I’m a little ticked off.  Well, I’m a lot ticked off. And quite a bit disappointed.  I’ve told you before about Izzy Dragon asking me about why I vote Republican.  My answer, well, I don’t ALWAYS vote Republican, but mostly they represent the kind of things I believe in much more closely than any other party, so that is why.  Then she threw this up in my face.  Congress Woman Lauren Boebert of Colorado escorted out of “Beetlejuice” musical in Denver after “causing a disturbance” and Video shows Rep. Boebert giving middle finger to “Beetlejuice” usher and other headlines.  Then she read me excerpts from the articles.  Apparently, this republican Congress woman was vaping in the theater and when a nearby PREGNANT woman asked her to stop (politely) she said No and proceeded to call her names and denigrate her.  Her and her friends were loud and obnoxious in the theater and when asked by the staff to quiet down her response was “Do you know who I am?”  Which just irritates the crap out of me.  Finally the police had to be called and she threatened to call the mayor and she was escorted out.

Now, I know the odds of her ever seeing this are slim to none and I was going to actually write her a personal letter, but I really didn’t think that would get anyone’s attention, so I thought, well maybe …maybe someone will see it here and if nothing else, I get to say my piece publicly. 

Miss Boebert, I have spent over 30 years of my life serving this country and one thing that I’ve learned above and beyond any thing else is that one of our biggest responsibilities we have as public servants is to set a good example.  Do we know who you are?  Yes ma’am.  We most certainly do know who you are.  You are our employee.  You work for us.  Just like I work for them.  You and I both answer to them.  It is our duty, our responsibility to give them our very best ALL THE TIME.  We should be setting the example.  Plus, you are representing the Republican party.  How are we supposed to hold you up as being better than the moronic democrats when you refused to stop vaping, illegally I might add, when a pregnant lady asked you to?  You should be ashamed of yourself.  I’m ashamed for you.  I’m ashamed to be associated as belonging to the same government workforce that you belong to.  My mother raised me better than that.  My Drill Sergeant definitely did.  Now, I have to explain to my daughter that, just like not all people who call themselves Christian are actually Christian, not all people who call themselves Republican…not, scratch that…not all people who call themselves public servants actually give a care about the public they are supposed to be serving.

Anyway campers, if you’re interested in reading the articles you can find them easily enough and that’s it for me.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.