Well, it’s Thursday, if you’re reading this then we’ve made it through another couple of days.  I’m looking at it from Sunday afternoon while the recording of my church’s service plays on my TV.  It’s still the beginning where our worship team is singing and playing and it sounds beautiful. 

“I know how the story ends.  We will be with You again.  You’re my Savior my defense.  No more fear in life or death.  I’m fighting a battle you’ve already won.  No matter what comes my way, I will overcome.  Don’t know what You’re doing, but I know what You’ve done.” 

I think I probably missed a few words in-between there somewhere, but you get the gist of it.  I can’t believe how much has been impressed upon me lately to … I don’t know … help (?) people. or maybe just care about people. 

I’ve had an interesting couple of days…

And now it’s Wednesday and I’m getting back to this opening before I wrap up this issue.  The anniversary of 9/11 has passed and my week is partially over.  Things have gone just as strangely this week as they started out.  Had an at home sleep study last night that I completely screwed up and will have to take over again.  I will not be having my Jail Ministry tonight (Wednesday) because my partner is sick.  I won’t go do the jail by myself.  Not sure yet whether I will be doing the Thursday night class or not.  Will depend on whether I can get someone to open the doors for me or not.   

Anyway, I’ve rambled on enough, it’s time for you guys to get to the fun part., so…

“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”

“Do you drink a lot?”

“Not really – I spill most of it!”

When one wishes to unlock a door but has has only one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law)

A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)

When one’s hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)

Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance So Sorry Law)

When things seem to be going well, you’ve probably forgotten to do something. (Cheney’s Second Corollary)

When things seem easy to do, it’s because you haven’t followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it’s probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem. (Law of Gravitas)

Most problems are not created or solved; they only change appearances. (Einstein’s Law of Persistence)

You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of Dingaling)

Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call you’ve been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)

If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of Wasteland)

The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)

The probability that one will spill food on one’s clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell Scoop)

Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the phone to ring. (Law of Yes Now)

Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of Ding Dong)

Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one’s hairdo. (The Don King Principle)

After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Fatal Irreversibility)

Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of Delay)

Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won’t come out alive anyway. (Theory of Absolute Certainty)

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion.

One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of thinking.

The Optimist owned a huntin’ dog that could walk on water.

His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a duck…the dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, “What do you think about that?”

The Pessimist replied, “That dog can’t swim, can he?”

Because it’s an awesome pencil drawing

This is an excellent story…

We blonds at the ofise are tierd of all the, the dum stoopid jokes about us.

We think this is hairassment. It causes us graite stress and makes our roots turn dark.

We have hierd a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol.

We will take this all the way to the supreem cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side. We of also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so offen a red hed joke. If we don’t get our way we will not date anybody that ain’t blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise:

XOXOXOXOOXOXOXOX

XOXOXOXOOXOXOXOX

(sined with a pensul so you can erace it if you make a mistake

A girl sat sobbing in the police station. “I . . . I was raped by an Irishman,” she wailed.

“How do you know it was an Irishman?” the officer asked.

“I had to help him,” the girl replied.

A boy and his pet…

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other.

The first mouse says, “You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us?

I love those things. I eat ’em like candy.”

The second mouse, not to be outdone says, “Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us?

What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it.”

The third mouse says, “You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I’d love to keep hanging out with you here, but I gotta go screw the cat.”

Because of lack of money, Angelina and her husband spent their wedding night at her parent’s house. In the evening Angelina and Tony went upstairs to their bedroom while Mama was in the kitchen making sauce for the evening meal.

Angelina was a virgin and had a lot to learn.

After a few minutes she came running down to the kitchen to her mother.

“Mama, Tony is kissing me all over!”

Her mother assured her it was ok and kept stirring the sauce as Angelina went back upstairs.

A few minutes later she came running back down.

“Mama, he wants to take my clothes off!”

Her mother said it was ok and Angelina went back up.

She soon was back telling her mother that Tony started taking HIS clothes off.

Mama continued stirring the sauce and told her it was ok so Angelina went back up.

Not only had she never seen a naked man, she was surprised to see that Tony had a club foot. She ran back to the kitchen yelling:

Mama, Mama, he’s got a foot and a half!!!

Mama looked at her and said:

“Angelina, you stir the sauce, I’ma going upstairs!!!

This one is called Reality Bites and was sent in by Steve…

“A machine like this is required to move 500 tons of earth/ ore which will be refined into one lithium car battery. 

How much fuel does a cat 994 use in 12 hours?

 

“This is a CAT994H,” the hysteria-fueled post reads. “It burns 1800 gallons of fuel in a 12 hour shift. This machine is required to move 500,000 lbs. of earth in order to get the minerals needed for ONE SINGLE Tesla car battery.

Lithium is refined from ore using sulfuric acid. The proposed lithium mine at Thacker Pass, Nevada is estimated to require up to 75 semi-loads of sulfuric acid a day.!  The acid does not turn into unicorn food as AOC believes.

Refining lithium has created several EPA SUPERFUND SITES.  IT IS VERY
TOXIC TO THE ENVIRONMENT.!

A battery in an electric car, let’s say an average Tesla, is made of:
25 pounds of lithium,
60 pounds of nickel,
44 pounds of manganese,
30 pounds of cobalt,
200 pounds of copper,
and
400 pounds of aluminum, steel, and plastic, etc…. averaging 750-1,000 pounds of minerals, that had to be mined and processed
into a battery that merely stores electricity…. Electricity which is generated by oil, gas, coal, or water ( and a tiny fraction of wind and solar )….

That is the truth, about the lie, of “green” energy.

There’s nothing green about the “Green New Deal”.

You people better learn how to vote or this nonsense will continue to flow down on top of you from the throne of government upon of which you put these people.

Stop drinking the Green New Deal’s sulfuric acid Kool-Aid.!

Dr. Phillip A. Fields
University of South Alabama
Mobile, Alabama 

We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.

– Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894)

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad:  People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum:  Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid:  So what is the problem?  We all use our work telephones.

This is what happens when Dad is left in charge…

We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. 

Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case. “She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body,” the teacher said. 

“In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?” 

While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff’s officer taking the course raised his hand and replied, “A suspect.” 

Read this question, come up  with an answer, and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is  not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right  – including me. (You’ll appreciate this fact soon enough…)

A  woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, She believed him to be her dream and  she fell in love with him right there but did not ask for his number and no  matter how hard she tried she could not find him.

A few days  later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing  her sister? Give this some thought before you answer. (Scroll Down)

 

 

 

Answer:  She was hoping the  guy would appear again at the next funeral.

If you answered this  correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous  American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a  killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and  answered the question correctly. If you didn’t answer the question  correctly – good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please  let me know so I can take you off of my email list — unless that will  tick you off, then I’ll just be extra nice to you from now on.

Well…I thought I was joking, but I actually said out loud, “Ha, ha, she probably thinks the guy will show back up to the next funeral. ha, ha, ha.”  So…what does that make me if I thought the correct answer was a JOKE?!?!  I need some serious help.

So, Ozzy is moving out of America to England because he thinks the USA is “getting too crazy”.

Let that sink in…

Ozzy Osbourne thinks America is too crazy.

We are doomed!

At no point in history have the people forcing others into compliance been the good guys.

A young couple took their three-year-old son to Dr. Cohen.

With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small “member”.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem.”

The next morning, at the breakfast table, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.

“Gee, mom,” the boy exclaimed. “For me?”

“Just take two,” his mother replied. “The rest are for your father.

Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the tallest mountain on earth?

*

*

*

*

*

Mt. Everest

Yup, you’re right…it’s a wok in the park.

Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made.

—Otto von Bismarck (1815-1898)

Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said,  “I have a complaint!”

“Yes, ma’am?”

“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”

“What was wrong with it?”

“It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!”

The librarian nodded and said, “Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book.”

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the “Three Little Pigs.”

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.

She said, “And so the pig went up to the man with a wheel barrow full of straw and said ‘Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'”

The teacher then asks the class, “And what do you think that man said?”

My friend’s son raised his hand and exclaimed, “I know! I know! — ‘Holy smokes! A talking pig!'”

Apparently the teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Tom in deep thoughts is sitting calm, very quiet.

Jerry asks, “What is wrong with you, Tom?”

“Please don’t ask.”

“I am your childhood friend. Talk to me.”

“My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant.”

“That’s not possible.”

“No, he did.”

“How’s that possible?”

“He punctured my condoms!”

Lawyer: “Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.”

Judge: “And what is the nature of the new evidence?”

Lawyer: “Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.”

My first stop on my vacation was my sister’s house in Montana. She’s extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards. This time, I figured I’d done her one better.

I boasted, “You’ll be impressed. I’ve already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I’ll be staying. They’re all stamped and ready to go.”

My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, “You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?”

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

“Yes, mother, I’ve had a hard day.

Gladys has been most difficult – I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.”

“Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.”

“You were perfectly right.”

“You want to speak with her? All right.”

He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

“Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!”

That is indeed the end my friends.  I hope you all had as much fun reading as I had writing.  

One last little push for donations, if anyone is still interested in contributing this year, there’s still time to contribute for the month of September, if I don’t get any more contributions, I’ll probably just go ahead and drop it for this year.  As usual, you guys have been very generous and it is deeply appreciated.

And until we meet again, may God Bless you all  with Love and Happiness.