I gotta tell you, first thing, out of the gate and I already have some people to thank for their donations! You guys are something special. I tell you what. I mention, at the end of the last episode that it’s time for everyone to start thinking about throwin’ ole Impish the price of a cup of joe and before the electrons are even cold, you guys start tossin’ money around. So, let’s go…
William E. – first one out of the gate and your generosity is overwhelming, thank you, sir.
Donald G. Henry S. and some promises from others already. Thank you all very much. It is deeply appreciated.
For those of you who may be new and don’t get what’s going on, one time a year, I ask for donations to pay the bills. Once a year there are a couple of bills that come due to keep this thing running the way it does. Pays for the website space at dragonlaffs.com and yes, I know that most of you get it in your email box, but there is an actual website you can go to that has years worth of Dragon Laffs. And it’s called…wait for it … dragonlaffs.com. I know, amazing, right?
ANYWAY, the website costs money and is ad free and I promised would remain so because, don’t we all just hate ads? And I have to pay for the domain name every year, even if everyone KNOWS it should be mine, right? And the deal was, so long as the campers paid the bills, it showed that I was still wanted/needed and I would continue to do this crazy thing that started like more than 20 years ago in it’s original format, but 17 years ago here. That I wouldn’t try to make money off of it, or beg for donations throughout the year. One time a year, when the bills come due in September, and that’s it.
So now is the time folks. Time to pitch in. Or is this the year that will be the end of Dragon Laffs? No, I’m not preaching doom and gloom, it’s only the second day for crying-out-loud, just laying it out there. I had to say something, right?
Enough about that. Thanks to you guys and on to the good stuff. It’s already late and I have a full day tomorrow, so let’s get some laffs tucked under our belt so I feel like I’ve accomplished something tonight before I fall asleep behind this keyboard.
And here’s another oldie but goodie, but it’s not from Joe in NJ it’s from Lynn and it’s called the Cynical Philosopher…
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Now this next one is from Joe and it’s a pretty cool story…
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
“Hello? Anybody? Hello? Has anyone lost this wood nymph thingy? Hello? Anybody?”
A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, “Please make my dog win the next dog race.”
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, “Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, “Could I please have another look at the dog?”
Awww, that’s just mean. Funny…but mean.
Pheromones are the natural chemicals found in animals, including humans, that the body uses to attract the opposite sex. Fragrances, such as perfumes, are detected by the Olfactory Glands in the nose, The presence of pheromones are picked up by the vomeronasal organ which is located in the nasal pit directly under the nose. When the vomeronasal organ is triggered by pheromones, it sends a signal to the brain that creates a subconscious increase in desire for persons of the opposite sex.
So why am I telling you about pheromones? Well, I’ve been getting a lot of junk email lately about miracle pheromone treatments that can help me attract persons of the opposite sex. Honestly, I am happily married and am not interested in attracting anyone to me other than my wife. However, I didn’t think that the makers of “Primal Instinct” needed to know this fact when I sent them the following email:
Dear Sir/ Madam,
I recently purchased a bottle of “Primal Instinct,” your most popular pheromone product. At first I was rather impressed with the product as I noticed that women were giving me more attention from the very first time I used it. I am in the habit of joining my friends at a popular nightclub on weekends and I was in the habit of always carrying my bottle of “Primal Instinct” with me right up until a most unfortunate incident that occurred last Friday night.
I decided to use a little more than my usual amount of the pheromone product and the night started off well with several women asking me to dance shortly after my arrival at the club. I decided to up the dosage a little more and ventured to the men’s room to do just that. Unfortunately, the entrance to the men’s room is a bit close to the sink and mirror area and my elbow was bumped by another patron as I was applying a liberal dosage of “Primal Instinct” to my neck region. As a result, the entire contents of the bottle spilled down the front of me.
This is when the nightmare began. I attempted to go from the bathroom to the bar by the straightest path, which just happened to be directly across the dance floor. I reached the midpoint of the dance floor when I noticed what seemed to be an odd glow emanating from all areas around me. It was when I stopped in the middle of the dance floor that I realized that the glow wasn’t a glow at all but was the whites of the eyes of seventy-five women. I realize now that I should never have stopped walking.
The ensuing stampede was the most frightening thing I have ever experienced. Women were coming at me from all sides and their intentions were not to ask me to dance. They began ripping my clothes from me and I was just lucky enough to be able to crawl out underneath them as they converged into a tangled mass in the center of the dance floor.
I slipped outside without being detected but the prevailing winds were evidently blowing towards the nearby women’s college. As I walked home, I could see the eyes of hundreds of women as they approached me through a forest pathway. As cars would pass and their headlights shone on the woods, it was like looking at a massive heard of deer. I picked up my pace but that only made me sweat, causing me to leave a pheromone vapor trail. It was like a fast motion version of “Night of the Living Dead” except these women weren’t interested in my brain. I was able to make it back to my house but the scratching at the door continued for most of the night.
When I purchased your product, it came with a money back guarantee if not completely satisfied. I am dissatisfied but not because your product attracted more women than I had anticipated and its not the fact that I had to explain to my wife why five hundred women were scratching at the door. I’m dissatisfied more or less because of the effects caused by my wife getting a whiff of the pheromone stuff and letting five hundred women into the house.
Please send one half of the refund to Mercy General Hospital. Send the other half to George Garth, my divorce attorney.
There was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies.
But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her “ladies” in for bridge etc.
This one night she didn’t want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don’t come in and make another scene.
Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.
“You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed” she told him.
“Oh, relax,” says he, “I’ll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I’ll be gone.”
“Just keep your mouth shut,” says she again.
Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.
She ‘flipped’ and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said,”wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story.”
“I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on.
One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?
You know that pathway that Thor takes to get back home? Yeah? Well, this ain’t nothin’ like that!
There are a blonde, brunette, and a redhead at a maternity ward.
The redhead says she’s having a girl because when she had sex she was on top.
The brunette says she’s having a boy because the guy was on top.
The brunette and redhead notice the blonde starting to cry.
They asked her what was wrong and she said, “I’m having puppies.
Told my doctor that my morning exercise program where I bend down near my feet and stand up again hurts my back. She told me to stop doing them.
Told her it’s the only way I can put on my pants.
Here’s another good, informative video from Joe. And if the rest of you find something that’s worth sharing with the rest of the class, by all means, send it along.
As our dear Stephanie put it… we’re so glad that Chicago has some of the most stringent Gun Control Laws in the country! And here they are, evidenced hard at work!
Chicago TV news crew robbed at gunpoint while reporting on a string of robberies
I’m not going to bother you with the details here, you can read the news article for yourself right here: https://apnews.com/article/chicago-news-crew-robbed-while-reporting-6bac099937b2435254d558792ede9b7d
Jill was a knockout but alas, she also was virtually brainless.
Fortunately, this was no drawback as far as John’s plans for the evening were concerned. He was delighted when she agreed to come up to his apartment for a night cap.
As he prepared the drinks, full of anticipation, Jill explored the apartment, stopping now and then to examine a painting or a book title, she didn’t quite understand. Finally she stopped dead in front of his fireplace.
“What on earth is that?” she asked pointing to a carved wooden object lying on the mantel.
“Oh, that. It’s African,” he replied. “They use them in their fertility rites. It’s a phallic symbol.”
“Oh, I see.” stated Jill demurely. “I’d hate to tell you what it looks like!”
Morris Epstein was taking an oral exam applying for US citizenship.
He was asked to spell “cultivate”. He spelled it correctly.
He was then asked to use the word in a sentence.
He brightened up and said, “Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home.”
Morris passed
Bud Light has dropped to 14th in America
Sound of Freedom just hit $100M at the Box Office.
“Try That In A Small Town” is the #1 song on iTunes.
Disney lost $900M+ on their last 8 releases.
The silent majority is real.
Campers, if you have not figured out that this is an invasion, that we are AT WAR…then I am very, very surprised at you. Groups of military aged Chinese men, all wearing similar backpacks, crossing our southern border, several times a day…, known terrorists being caught at the border, how many are getting through? It is not just Mexicans and South Americans coming across. This is an invading military force.
The man has no integrity. None.
None at all.
Our buddy Joe from NJ has some weird friends…
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.
Also from Joe:
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I’m kinda with him on that one.
Every home should have one … can anyone tell me why?
That is so weird
Clerk in flower shop: “Sorry, we don’t have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets?”
Customer (sadly): “No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone.”
Here’s an oldie, but goodie…and a quickie…
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?”
I agree 100%!!! Whoever invented those things should be hung by them!!!
There was a major sale at Victoria’s Secret and Thorn wanted to get his wife some really sexy lingerie.
The store was packed with women for this big sale and before he knew it, Thorn was pushed and shoved by frantic women all trying to get at the merchandise.
Thorn remained calm for as long as he could, then bowed his head and pushed hard and effectively and plowed through the crowd of women.
“Hey you!”, an angry female voice yelled out at him, “Try acting like a gentleman!”.
“That’s what I HAVE BEEN doing,” Thorn retorted, “But since that isn’t working out for me, I’m gonna now act like you ladies!”
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of Morrisons Store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street and at the end turn to your right.”
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new minister in town. I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle. “Awww, come on… You don’t even know the way to the Post Office.”
There was a Roman Emperor who never aged after he turned 19.
His name was Constant Teen.
And that’s it my friends. Thank you all for your contributions to today’s issue. Thank you for the wonderfully kind words that I’ve been getting in email and comments. And thank you again for the very generous donations that have come in so far to help pay the bills. There’s only a small window for you guys to help me out, it doesn’t take much from each of you. The price of a cup of coffee is all I’m looking for. You can go to the top of the right hand column on the web page at dragonlaffs.com and click on the donation button or paragraph or whatever it is and that will take you right to the PayPal account where you can donate. If you’d rather not donate through paypal you can do Zelle or send a check by emailing me and I can give you the instructions for that privately since I’d rather not blast that out over the interwebz for everyone to see. And of course the best way to get ahold of me is impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com or impishdragon@gmail.com.
Have a wonderful weekend my friends. Hopefully you will hear back from me on Monday. Until then, may God Bless you with Love and Happiness.
Dragon Laffs 