Welcome to Thursday.  I’m running SO FAR behind.  Today (Monday) was my first day back to work.  I was gone for five days, right?  I mean, I didn’t imagine it was five days and it was really 35 days. 

[Checking calendar]

Nope.  5 days. 

I swear I had enough missed messages and emails, that you’d think I was gone a month.  I caught up on the important stuff, but haven’t even filed my travel voucher yet.

And then I finally get back to REALLY get back to my emails here and you guys have been GREAT!  I’ve got a gazillion emails to go through with enough material to keep me going for eons.  Well, maybe there’s a tiny bit of exaggeration going on there, but you get my point.  And even a couple of comments from a new guy…

Weird Temperatures

 After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?” “In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.” After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after making love with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?” “Oh that crazy old fart…” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”

Hey guys, Aussie Pete has a really special request for all of us.  I think we ought to do our best to help our brother out.

“Guys, pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible……

He said he’s an eighth theist.”

And this one comes from Friend of The Show Stephen B…

Thanks to George for this one…(click on “wing suiter meets his maker”)

Another wingsuit skydiver dies.   It’s unbelievable what these guys will try.

WING SUITER MEETS HIS MAKER

When we battle, even Nature reacts!

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

A psychiatrist’s secretary walked into his office and said, “There’s a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. . . . He claims he’s invisible.”

The psychiatrist responded, ” O.K.,Tell him I can’t see him.”

A Public Service Message For Women To Better Understand The Male

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t, know where to start.”  We will then drink beer.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman.  You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this isn’t a problem.

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread.  I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.”  For all I know, these are the same thing.  And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV.  If it has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.  (Though one time I was able to survive, by holding a calculator.)

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. If you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2023, I will share equally in the housework.  You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest.

I don’t know…I got nothing…but it is cool, right?

If you find yourself feeling useless, remember: it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.

A man started to snore in his seat at the opera. “Please stop your snoring,” the usher pleaded. “You are disturbing the others.”

“Look, buddy,” the man said angrily, “I paid for this seat and I’ll do whatever I want.”

“Yes, sir,” replied the usher. “But you are keeping everybody awake.”

Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market.

It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern day Scrooge.

One day, during the winter, the lake froze over. The peddler realized he could cut two miles off his trip if he crossed over the lake.

He was spotted halfway across the frozen water by the tycoon, who came out of his mansion screaming.

“Get off my lake!” he yelled. I’ll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!”

A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.

He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits.

None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits.

He successfully raised a number of them and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.

The young man replied, “I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.”

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me … your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”

Not only would I vote for the potato, I’d contribute to the potato’s campaign.

IF GUN OWNERS WERE AS CRAZY AS THE ANTI-GUN ADVOCATES CLAIM, THERE WOULD BE NO ANTI-GUN ADVOCATES LEFT.

A woman walked into a pet store.

“I haven’t got much money”, she told the clerk, “so I’d like to know if you’ve got any kittens you’ll let go cheap”.

“I’d let them, Ma’am.” said the clerk, “but they prefer to meow.”

Our dear Nursey friend Marsha sent me this…

I love Arron Lewis…never met him, but you know what I mean. Started with Am I The Only One..listen when you get time…I have changed some of the words to it though depending on where I’m at…am I the only one that can fill the ice cube trays or change the toilet paper role… if at work there is restock supplies, etc. Also like the new guy…something Anthony…I Want To Go Home….

Music is what keeps me sane, if this counts as sane.

Marsha.

I’ve listened to some of his music and, although it’s not really my thing, I do like what he has to say.  And yeah, Marsha, knowing what you do for a living, I’m not taking the high/low on sanity for you dear friend.

The Truth Behind Men’s Phrases

“Haven’t I seen you before?”

“Nice ass.”

 

“I’m a Romantic.”

“I’m poor.”

 

“I need you.”

“My hand is tired.”

 

“I am different from all the other guys.”

“I am not circumcised.”

 

“I want a commitment.”

“I’m sick of masturbation.”

 

“You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”

“You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

 

“I really want to get to know you better.”

“So I can tell my friends about it.”

 

“It’s just orange juice, try it.”

“Three more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”

 

“She’s kinda cute.”

“I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.”

 

“I don’t know if I like her.”

“She won’t sleep with me.”

 

“I miss you so much.”

“I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.”

 

“Was it good for you?”

“I’m insecure about my manhood.”

 

“How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?”

“Is my penis really that small?”

 

“I had a wonderful time last night.”

“Who the hell are you?”

 

“Do you love me?”

“I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”

 

“Do you ‘really’ love me?”

“I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”

 

“How much do you love me?”

“I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.”

 

“I have something to tell you.”

“Get tested.”

 

“I’ll give you a call.”

“I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”

 

“I’ve been thinking a lot.”

“You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

 

“I think we should just be friends.”

“You’re ugly.”

 

“I’ve learned a lot from you.”

“Next!!!!”

 

“I’m on a long distance call, can you call me later?”

“I gotta turn on my answering machine.”

 

All I can say for this next one is, Joe, you should be ashamed of yourself!

There’s a small German town near Munich called Pfilzerplatz, and the town is known around the world for producing the finest stationery and paper anywhere. You want wine, you go to France; you want big waves to surf, you go to southern California; you want good paper, you go to Pfilzerplatz.

Anyway, nearby Munich had a growing problem — the thousands of stray dogs in the city were breeding with one another and were beginning to overrun the city. So the higher-ups of Munich organized a new department to get rid of the dogs. Soon enough, they had chased all of the dogs out of the city. No one knew where they went — they just went away.

A couple of days after the dogs disappeared from Munich, they appeared in Pfilzerplatz. And because Pfilzerplatz is so much smaller than Munich, the town was soon totally overrun with the dogs. So the town’s mayor decided that the town should be evacuated.

Everyone left the town, thus shutting down the paper mills. Well, a couple of days later, the townsfolk were watching the town from the hills, and they saw smoke rising from the smokestacks at the paper mills. Knowing that there weren’t any humans left in the town, they knew it was the dogs running the factories. And so the mayor rushed off to Munich, found Munich’s mayor and announced:

“You’ve got to help us! The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!”

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks, “What’s wrong with your turtle”?

“Not a thing,” the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!”

“Not a chance!” replies the barkeep.

“Okay then, says the guy. You take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I’ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”

So, the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three, calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and yells, “I win!”

And now…

…it’s time to bring up my pretty much most unfavorite time of the year.  And I didn’t even realize that it had come around until I got a warning from WordPress.  Seems that the bills are coming due and it’s that time of the year again for me to ask for your guys help.  So, to the part that I hate, I am now soliciting donations to help keep this site ad free.  So, for the month of September, consider donating a cup of coffee to Dragon Laffs.  If you think it’s worth it, you guys will cover the bills.  I do the work, you guys pay the bills.  That’s the way the deal works.  You will let me know when you no longer feel like it’s worth it.  And that’s when I’ll hang it up.  Until then and so long as you guys are still happy. 

Anyway, you guys get the idea.  It’s time to give if you want to.  And until the next time we meet.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness.