Well, it’s Monday…at least it is when you’re reading this.  It’s actually Thursday when I’m writing this and I haven’t left home yet.  When you’re reading this I arrived in Colorado Springs yesterday and since I’ve already got this issue planned out, this would have allowed me to maybe post a couple of pictures or given you guys an update on what has happened so far.  Not sure if I was able to do that or not, since it hasn’t happened yet, but it would be cool to get the regular issues posted ahead of time and then post some real time issues in between as things are going on, to let you guys know what’s up.  I’ll see if I can’t do that as time permits.  Like I might have mentioned already.  Lots of classified “Secret Squirrel” stuff going on.  For you younger crowd out there: 

 In 1965, Hanna-Barbera produced a sendup of spy flicks, which starred a squirrel wearing a trench coat. The cartoon was, of course, “Secret Squirrel.” For whatever reason—pleasing alliteration, most likely—the military adopted the phrase, and service members began applying it to all things classified

Anyway, that’s the layout.  So, let’s get on with the show, shall we?  We’ll probably talk more as we go on…

I’m pretty sure that loses something in translation.

Yeah, that one, too.

I overheard a friend telling his pal, “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.”

“What is she doing?” the pal asked.

“Waiting for me to get home.”

A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada.

The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by.

“Och, whut’s thaaat?” he said.

His Canadian friend looked out and said, “Oh, that’s a moose.”

“Och! If thaaat’s a moose, hoo big are your cats aroond here?”

Personal Ads from Men 

What they really mean… 

* 40-ish… 52 and looking for 25-year-old 

* Athletic… Sits on the couch and watches ESPN 

* Average-looking… Unusual hair growth on ears, nose & back 

* Educated… Will always treat you like an idiot 

* Free Spirit… Sleeps with your sister 

* Friendship First… As long as friendship involves nudity 

* Fun… Good with a remote and a six-pack 

* Huggable… Overweight, more body hair than a bear 

* Like to cuddle…. Insecure, overly dependent 

* Open-minded… Wants to sleep with your sister but she’s not interested 

* Physically fit… I spend a lot of time in front of a mirror admiring myself 

* Poet… Has written on a bathroom stall 

* Spiritual… Once went to church with my grandmother on Easter Sunday 

* Stable… Occasional stalker, but never arrested 

* Thoughtful… Says “Please” when demanding a beer! 

Because he is adorable!!!

Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. 

His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn’t want to miss a single one of his words. 

One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew’s bar mitzvah. 

Because he didn’t want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi’s sermon. 

In that way, he could listen to it when he got back. 

When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. 

They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to football. 

Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi’s sermon. 

The Rabbi got wise to this. 

So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. 

His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi’s pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines. 

This was believed to be the first incidence in history of “artificial insermonation.”

Boy, you can get an award for just about anything nowadays.

I rest my case.

There was a father and son who were always in competition with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine. A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. 

“How was the exam?” asked his father.

“They asked quite a lot of ‘fill in the missing letter’ questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn’t good enough to get accepted,” the boy replied. 

“Well in that case I better take that exam myself,” the father said. So off to the university he went. A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. 

“How was the exam?” asked his son.

“They asked quite a lot of ‘fill in the missing letter’ questions about first aid and I got them all wrong but one.” 

“Gee, Dad. Which question was that?”

“The question was…”, started the father, “What do you do when you come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?” 

“That’s easy”, the son replied. “The answer is pulse.”

“Oh, hell,” said the father,” I got that one wrong as well.”

This one is actually pretty cool to watch.  I have a personal deep interest in submarines…I don’t know why, but I do, so I found this especially interesting.  Thanks to Joe from NJ for sharing it with us:

“Darn it!  There’s always someone trying to take pictures when I’m trying to bathe!”

Now that I’m over 50 my Doctor says I should go out and get more fresh air and exercise.

I said … All right. I’ll drive with the car window down.

Me neither…

Personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5′-4″ (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just Buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

There was a husband who was in the habit of taking the family dog for a nice long walk each evening. 

It was good exercise for both of them, his wife felt, and the dog became so used to the routine that it positively drooled to be taken out on schedule every night. 

So when her husband was sick one evening, the wife took the dog out instead. 

To her surprise the dog pulled vigorously at the leash and led her around the block to a house around the corner and began to scratch at the door. 

A female voice called out, “I won’t be a minute, darling.”

Soon the door was opened by an attractive young woman in a negligee, and the dog dashed in straight to a dish of meat that was waiting for him — obviously as usual. 

Last evening, which would have been last Thursday night for you guys, Joe and I discovered something.  We don’t know if it’s intermittent or all the time now or if it’s going to go away…BUT, hotmail addresses when writing to the impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com email address are getting bounced.  When I consulted my IT department about it, they said it wasn’t anything they could do about it, it was on hotmail’s side.  And I’m sure if we consulted hotmail, they would say that it was on WordPress and Titan Mail’s side.  So, the work around is, that any of you who are sending stuff to me with a hotmail address and having it bounce, just go back to what we used to do and send it to my old address, which is still active, and I still check and some of you still use at: 

impishdragon@gmail.com
or
impishdragon@hotmail.com

I’m pretty sure I have @yahoo.com also, but it’s been so long, I’m not sure that’s hooked up to anything anymore…so don’t use that one.  I used to have it @aol.com also…but when I dropped aol like 100 years ago, I also lost that one.  My goal was to have impishdragon@ every platform available and for awhile, it looked like I was going to do it…at least all the major ones, and then so many of them came about that it just became impossible to keep up, so I quit. 

Okay, PSA is over, back to the show.

You could make a case that that is VERY SERIOUS putty

And here is another very interesting YouTube from our brother Joe

One day, Little Johnny visited a doctor for a vaccination.

After the doctor gave him an injection, he tried to bandage around Johnny’s arm.

“I think you’d better bandage around the other arm, doc!” asked Little Johnny.

“But, why? I’m supposed to bandage around the injected part of your arm to let your friends know not to touch it.”

“You really don’t know anything about how my friends behave!”

If a madman wants to kill innocent people he will always find a way. 
Madmen and killers don’t need guns to kill people.
Timothy McVeigh used fertilizer.
The 911 terrorists used box cutters and airplanes.
The Nazis used cynanide gas…
Taking guns from innocent people will not protect those innocent people. 
The problem is NOT guns. 
The problem is a Godless society.

We need to quit looking for intelligent life on Mars and look to see if there is any intelligent life in Washington D.C.

You sure can’t prove it to this Dragon!!!

You can change your clothes and powder your nose, but in the end your Maker knows.  A man can’t be a woman, and a woman can’t be a man, pretend all you want, but “you am” what “you am.”

They’re all a bunch of Chicken Littles

Perhaps they should look at forgiving medical debt for cancer patients instead of student loans.  Education is a choice, cancer is not.

Can I get an Amen to that?

NO IT DOES NOT!!  IT DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT GIVING UP YOUR RIGHTS ANYWHERE IN THAT GLORIOUS DOCUMENT!  SO WHY ARE WE BEING FORCED TO?  AND WHY ARE WE SO ANXIOUSLY ACQUIESCING??? 

Yeah……and nobody cared……and the rest of us cried……

The day is coming, my dear friends.  You will be forced to choose.  I pray, every single day, that my friends and fellow campers will all be on the right side of the decisions that are going to have to be made.

Nooooooo!!!!!!

Poor Rabbit.  He was always the only sane one in the bunch.

Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply “XX”. 

Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered. 

He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. “Mr. Schwartz,” said the banker, “I need to ask you about this check. We weren’t sure you had really signed it. All these years you’ve been signing your checks ‘XX’, but we just got one that was signed with three XXX’s…” 

Mr. Schwartz answered, “No problem, my friend. It’s just that since I’ve become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name.” 

One night at the dinner table, Jill commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don’t love me any more…”

“Nonsense, darling,” replied John, “you just cook better now.”

Since we’ve already gotten a bunch of YouTubes on here today, I’m going to go ahead and add another one.  This one was send in (kind of) by Sasquatch.  A huge friend of the show (see what I did there?) and I immediately fell in love with this song.  Now, you have to understand something.  I am NOT a country music fan.  That was my dear Mary’s forte.  So, when I downloaded this song to my phone and added it to my playlist for rotation during driving and lawn mowing and stuff for when I’m not listening to pod casts, this song now has the unique distinction of being the ONLY country song on Impish Dragon’s phone and play list.  So, sit back and get ready to listen to: 

As a matter of fact, I started playing it while I’m typing it.  I might even have to check out some of his other stuff.  Thanks to you my friend Sasquatch for showing me something new.

This is an old one, but I like it so much that I’m going to rerun it again here.  It shows ingenuity, hard work, outside the box thinking, and all those other buzzwords.  

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders but wasn’t getting many. 

Then he discovered the problem: a 10-year-old boy was standing by the road with a hand-painted sign which read, “RADAR TRAP AHEAD.”

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket full of change.

Now Joe says this one is an old classic, but I’m not sure I’ve ever heard it before…and I’m an old classic, so…

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor’s office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.

There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.

They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method.

That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said.

Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don’t forget to take them.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, the pail and saucer, method.

After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn’t have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.

He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don’t have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.

She replied, “Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter all in one. 

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man taking a morning swim. When he got to shore and stood up the explorer couldn’t help but notice the size of his penis. The young man had the longest, thickest penis he had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was. 

“He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir,” came the reply. “This is his morning ritual.” 

“Ask him,” the awed Brit said to his companion, “how did his penis get to be this size?” 

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation. 

“Well, what did he say?” asked our hero to his assistant on his return. 

“He said, ‘Doesn’t the white man’s shrink in cold water?'”

Here are some “Facts” from brother Joe

If at first you don’t succeed you are running about average.

Life is the ultimate IQ test.

The world is so fast that there are days when the person who says it can’t be done is interrupted by the person who is doing it.

Questions pile up at a much faster rate than the answers.

One cannot have too large a party.

The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

My first rule of a happy marriage: It’s better to be happy than right.

Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service!

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early.

Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the Pastor.

Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”

 

And again, thanks to Joe, here are some Broadcasting bloopers…

Broadcast Bloopers

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s eclipse coverage remarked: “They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s come in his shorts.”

HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”

ULRIKA Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when she revealed: “I had a good eight inches last night.”

LORRAINE Kelly on GMTV: “This year’s hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here to give our model one.”

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.”

RICHARD Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown: “Ah, ‘erection’, let’s see it up please Carol.”

DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith: “You’re a bit of a knockers man.”   “Yes,” he replied. “I’ve come across quite a few in my time.”

HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: “She was practicing fastest finger first by herself in bed last night.”

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:  “Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg.”

BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers: “Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel room.”

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: “With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off.”

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: “What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?”

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69.”

STEVE Cram covering the men’s 200 metres at the World Athletics Championships: “Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion inside him.”

CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant called Richard when he told two women competitors: “That’s enough Dick for both of you.”

EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed: “This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen.”

BEST TILL LAST

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: “You’d eat beaver if you could get it.”

I have GOT to remember that one.  And with that, I’ve got another one locked away for next week.  I might be able to get one more done before I leave.  We’ll have to see.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again, my friends and remember…