And now I’m starting on Saturday’s issue.  I’m back to being pretty far ahead again, so I’m not really sure what I should be saying right now.  So, I’m going to leave the opening statements go for right now and jump into the laffs and see if maybe I can come back to this later.  If, on Saturday, you are actually reading these words because they are still here, then I apologize because either I forgot to come back and fix them or I ran out of time.  Either way …

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

An electrician didn’t get home until after 2am.  His wife asked, “Wire you insulate?”

He replied, “Watts it to you, I’m ohm, aren’t I?” …

Not saying it’s really hot, but I was sweating so much I hydroplaned off the toilet seat and landed in the bath tub.

Like surfboarding, but much more fun!!!

The police were at a crime scene.  The only thing found was a nose.

They’re calling it, nobody knows.

My wife and I both order stuff from the same Amazon account.

We’re Prime-mates

Where did the IT guy go?

He probably ransomeware.

“It was him!  He was the dirty beast that did this to me!”

WELL…Unfortunately, the cost of living has finally affected me financially.  In order to offset the extra cost for food, electricity, etc.  I have a need to make some extra money on the side…it is what it is.  So here’s to my new venture.

I am now proud to announce that I am selling ADULT TOYS.  I hope no one will feel embarrassed to ask for them.  I have all kinds, sizes, and styles according to your needs.  I can send pictures and dimensions etc.  Just ask.  Discretion is guaranteed!!  Ask for your anytime.  I have everything listed below: 

-Walkers
-Wheelchairs
-Oxygen tanks
-Walking sticks
-Adult diapers
-Teeth glue
-Heating glue
-Heating pads and more

What did the horse say after tripping in a pothole?

Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.

Mike:  Hey buddy, what’s wrong? 

Paddy:  Just had a big fight with the wife.  That woman fights for no frickin’ reason at all. 

Mike:  Why? What happened? 

Paddy:  We were both very excited and were just about to start having sex.  She removed her jeans and then her top, when I asked, “Why are you wearing your sister’s bra?” 

And that’s how the fight started.

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chuck Norris walks into a bar. 

The bar says, “Ouch”

It’s got to be a government board.  When I first joined the Air Force in 1977, they were in the process of enforcing the “Paperwork Reduction Act of 1976”.  This paperwork reduction act actually added one additional piece of paper to every set of aircraft forms on the flightline.  Perfect government sense.

We’ve probably all been the recipient of a butt-dial before.  Usually, it’s nothing particularly concerning unless the sound of the inside a purse or a sports bar happy hour is terrifying to you.  But for a man identified only as “Elijah,” he fired off one of the unluckiest butt-dials in history as far as both recipients and content are concerned.  He unknowingly dialed 911, where the operator then heard him playing the video game Rainbow Six: Siege, as he barked triumphantly into his headset that he’d “killed two.”

A couple minutes later, Elijah was treated to some real life CQB experience as a SWAT team showed up at his house investigating what they thought might have been a double homicide.  Luckily, once they realized that the only murder he’d ever committed was virtual in service of video-game objectives, everyone was left unharmed.

WHAT!?!?  To the point that doctors have to WARN people NOT TO DO THIS!?  

My wife told me I’ve grown as a person.

Her actual words were “you’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.

Why would anyone let their little girls go see that movie?

I just switched my “20 year Home Mortgage” to a “Student Loan.”

Follow me for more financial advice.

When someone suggests that I should “remember January 6th” I “remember gas was $2.19 a gallon!”

Instead of electric cars, I think we should bring back the electric chair.  It would solve more problems.

You think the media isn’t prejudiced?  Explain these figures:

It’s not a Booster!
It’s the 4th Shot of a Product That Already Failed Three Times

Just think!
If both the baseball teams worked together, they could score so many more points!!

I asked my two-year-old to take his dirty clothes and put them into the hamper. 

He asked me what a hamper was.

I told him, “You know, where we put our clothes before we wash them.”

He got a big smile on his face, grabbed all his dirty clothes and threw them on the floor of my bedroom…but, on his daddy’s side of the bed.

Jon and I were sitting on the porch chatting last night when the subject turned to getting older and Jon said, “Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.” “What do you mean?” I asked “Well,” he replied, “I can barely remember the last time I was able to get ‘excited in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!” I said, “Healthier? How is that?” He paused and then related, “Years ago, when we were both younger, almost every night before we went to bed she’d get these terrible headaches, and now that we’re older, she hasn’t had a headache in years.”

I have questions

Still…still, I have questions.

I remember the day after my son was born, I walked in the hospital room and they were changing his diaper. I looked at him and exclaimed ” man, Teri look at the size of his willy, it’s huge!” “I know, Pete” she replied…..”But at least he’s got your ears.”

That’s actually a pretty cool idea.  Weird, but cool.

After our honeymoon, I told Teri, I felt like a new man. She said she did, too.

 

Stephanie sent that one in and said that, “actually someone yelled at my husband, ‘BLASPHEMY!'” 

Feeling sick, my sister Lisa grabbed the thermometer from Mom’s drawer and popped it into her mouth.

“Uh, Lisa, that’s the dog’s thermometer” Mom yelled.

Lisa spit it out “Ewww, that was in Molly’s mouth?!”

Mom hesitated before replying, “Not exactly.”

Learn the ropes….

To understand how an organization works. It has a Nautical origin, where sailors had to learn which rope raised which sail.

To The Bitter End….

This phrase has come to mean the end of one’s endurance.The “bitt” is a post at a ship’s prow to which the end of an anchor’s cable is fastened. If all the anchor cable has been let out, you have come to the bitter end.

Pay Through the Nose….

When the Vikings invaded ninth century Britain, they brought with them their violent customs and imposed strict tax laws on the locals. (Aye, and you thought it was a scheme thought up by our current Government) any citizen refusing to pay would either have his nostrils slit open or his nose cut off. Only when English king Eldred beat Viking leader Eric Bloodaxe in 954 at the battle of Stainmore did the practice stop. However the phrase remained to imply paying dearly for something through the nose.

Keep your pecker up….

Remain cheerful. This is the English pecker, i.e. mouth, as opposed to the American, i.e. penis.

Kick the bucket …..

Die. The wooden frame that slaughtered animals were hung from is known as a bucket. The death spasms of the animals caused them to kick the bucket.