This little guy, pictured above is on his way to my house.  He is a gift, being sent to me by our own Stephen B.  You have seen his carvings here before.  And now, I am the beneficiary of his artistic skills.  All I can say, and say as publicly as I know how, is thank you very much.  Stephen, you are way too kind to this old dragon.

From here, nothing else seems anywhere near as important, so let’s jump into the laffs.

Most snakes crawl on the ground, but there are some snakes that walk upright and speak English.

I’m gonna quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money!

I estimate I’ll be home again around 10pm this evening.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.

Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.  Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.  That’s how villages were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice-versa.  These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1.  Liberals.

2.  Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer.  This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called “vegetarians” which was an early human word meaning “bad hunter”) learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing.  This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women while others became known as girlie-men.  Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like special flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water.  They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.  Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.  Another interesting evolutionary side note:  many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals.  Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer.  They eat red meat and still provide for their women.  Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively.  Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing.  They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.  Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.  That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America.  They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. 

Here ends today’s lesson in world history.  It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.  And that’s okay, we understand.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and also to just irritate a bunch of liberals. 

And there you have it.  Let your next action reveal your true self, personally, I’m going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks!

Being VERY familiar with Border Collies, this is not near as far fetched as it looked.

“I want to know who the little brats are who are making so much noise this early in the morning!  I will eat them myself, one by bloody one!!!!”

Stephen B sent this one to us:

Who doesn’t remember Howard Cosell saying “Down goes Frasier, Down goes Frasier” in the Ali Frasier fight?

Check out these two videos on the Gardians vs the White Sox.

First video announcer says, “Down goes Anderson, Down goes Anderson”!

Second video shows the punch and how Anderson got stunned and fell down like he was KO’d.

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what: Metal, Wood, Stone. Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. 

One wizard told the King, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.”

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King’s wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.” The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince’s pants?

Answer below ↓

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

M&Ms of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What on earth were you thinking?

 

I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 horsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

13. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

15. 1000 cc’s of wet socks = 1 literhosen

16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

Companions forever.

Okay, this is something special.  My good friend, brother, and someone who I’ve come to count on for special stuff and good conversation.  There are a couple of you out there.  Joe sent me this and it hit me really hard.  There are some GREAT Words of Wisdom here.

Words of Wisdom

• Compliment three people every day.  This can never go wrong.  One of the greatest way to lead people is to catch them doing something right and them tell them about it.

• Watch the sunrise at least once a year.   More.  Watch other things of God’s making.  And then thank Him for that.  

• Be the first to say, “Hello.”

• Live beneath your means.  It is ALWAYS better to not live above your means.  Live as far beneath your means as you can. 

• Treat everyone like you want to be treated.  Matthew 22:39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.  And there is a reason that is the second great commandment behind loving the Lord with all your heart, soul, and mind.  You can NEVER go wrong with treating someone the way YOU would want to be treated.  Putting yourself in their position and reacting in the way you think they would want you to react.

• Never give up on anybody.  Miracles happen.

• Forget the Joneses.  If you are worried about what the neighbors think or trying to outdo them, you already are wrong.

• Never deprive someone of hope.  It may be all he has.

• Pray not for things, but for wisdom and courage.  That is wonderful advise at any time.

• Be tough-minded but tenderhearted.

• Be kinder than necessary.  Always

• Don’t forget, a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.  This is very important to remember.

• Keep your promises.  At all costs!!

• Learn to show cheerfulness, even when you don’t feel like it.  A real smile goes so much further than anything else you can give.

• Remember that overnight success usually takes about 15 years.

• Leave everything better than you found it.  This will leave you with a GREAT reputation

• Remember that winners do what losers don’t want to do.

• When you arrive at your job in the morning, let the first thing you say brighten everyone’s day.

• Don’t rain on other people’s parades.

• Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.  Always great advice.

Thanks Joe!

Most snakes crawl on the ground, but there are some snakes that walk upright and speak English.

My daughter just phoned me and the conversation went like this!… 

Her:  You know that Gladiator movie that I got you? 

Me:  Yeah 

Her:  Wind it forward one hour, 16 minutes, and 28 seconds. 

Me:  Right, I’ve done that. 

Her:  Okay, you see that gladiator at the front fighting the lion? 

Me:  I can see that, yeah. 

Her:  Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other! 

Me:  Okay, I see them. 

Her:  Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a woman gladiator holding a spear.  

Me:  Yes!  I can see her! 

Her:  Right…!  Those are the Sandals I want for my birthday.

Fact Of The Day:

US President for Only 32 Days

William Henry Harrison was the ninth United States President and his term of office lasted for only 32 days, from March 4, 1841 to April 4, 1841.  Harrison gave a nearly two hour speech at his inauguration on March 4.  It was a rainy and cold day.  Harrison chose to ride on horseback and wore neither an overcoat nor a hat.  Thirty-two days later, he died of pneumonia.

That’s so sad…

I’m gonna quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money!

I estimate I’ll be home again around 10 pm this evening…

We really picked a bad generation to start a World War III…they can’t even fight anxiety from being called by a wrong pronoun.

Yeah, that one’s been around for a LOOONNNGGG time.  But it is so worth repeating.

This is such an important question.  Why are we not shouting this from the rooftops?  At all the congressional and senatorial meetings?  Why are we not holding these idiots accountable? 

Crazy how Florida is hotter than California but Florida has electricity.

Lucky for me I don’t have enough friends for an intervention.

Fact Of The Day:

The Four Chicken McNuggets

Did you know there are four different shapes for the McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets?  Well now you do.  The four shapes are: Ball…Bell…Bone… and Boot.

The next time you dislike your life, remember it’s all about perspective.  I have a friend who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries, and has people who want to have sex with him all the time.  And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison.

Mean people don’t bother me a bit.

Mean people who disguise themselves as nice people bother me A LOT.

Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.

Where does Peter Pan like to eat out?

Wendy’s

My favorite allergy song is “Blowin’ in the Wind” by Peter Pollen Mary

My mate phoned me and said, “I’m in a quiz, could you help me?  What is the second largest State in America?”

I replied, “Texas.”

Thirty seconds later he sent a message to my phone saying: What’s the second largest State in America?!!

When you die, what part of the body dies last?

The pupils… they dilate.

And that’s it my friends.  I’m getting closer and closer to leaving for Colorado.  I hope I have an opportunity to carry on while I’m gone.  I’m leaving in the middle of the night Sunday morning. 

And by the way, our “Who’s the oldest and Who’s the youngest” contest is still going on.  Right now I’ve only gotten 4 entrants.  And if that’s all I get, then so be it.  Nobody has gone for the youngest yet.  I asked for 30 year-olds and nobody bit, so how about 40 year-olds?  Any takers? 

And in the mean time, May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.