Okay, so it’s been a tough weekend.  I know you are reading this on Thursday, but I’m falling behind in my getting ahead of dragon laffs.  I have the one for tomorrow, Monday, ready to go … and that’s it!  Not that long ago, I had three ahead.  Now, I’m behind. and I have to try to get caught up again so I have some saved up for when I’m gone for a week.  I’ll be gone from the 20th to the 26th.  I HOPE I’ll be able to do some while I’m gone, but since I’ve never been here before and since I’ve never been to this type of conference before and since it’s touted as being this super secret squirrel thing…who knows what I’ll be able to get accomplished?

So, I’m gonna try to get ahead…but right now I’m going to quit for a little bit.  Feed the dogs, feed the Izzy dragon and come back in a little bit.  While you’re waiting for me to come back, why don’t you guys laugh at a couple of funnies…

A quiet little man was brought before a Judge. The Judge looked over the charges, then peered down at the little man in amazement. “Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” asked the Judge.

“I’m a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof.”

“Yes, go on,” said the Judge.

“Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to check them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. The lady there gave me some forms to fill out. I filled out the forms and got in another line to get my new card.”

“And?” prodded the Judge.

“And then the guy behind that counter said, ‘Can you prove you’re from New York City?’ So I stabbed him.”

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”

The second nun answered, “Indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand.”

“I can handle that without a problem” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. “We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said, “back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo”.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “the curlers are on the house.”

Well, I was right, it’s been one of those weeks.  It’s now Wednesday.  I went home early from work today because I feel like crap.  I have a meeting with a lawyer this afternoon to work on my Will, then I have my Jail Ministry tonight and Izzy is working tonight so I have to pick her up late, technology still hates me, but in much more subtle ways.  About two weeks before I have to go to Colorado, so I hope I have time to do Dragon Laffs while I’m there.  It’s all just AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tolkien was a genius when it came to us dragons.  One of the few humans who “got” us.

Here’s an old one that’s been told many different times and many different ways.  Well, here it is told another time and another way:

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

‘Janie, do you have a story to share?’

”Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

“Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

Boy, isn’t that the truth.  I go to bed at night almost cold and sometime in the middle of the night, someone throws on the blast furnace and suddenly I’m sweating to death.

Thanks to Sasquatch for sending me this next article.  Quite interesting…

Illinois Gov. Pritzker allows non-US citizens to become police officers with new law: ‘Fundamentally bad idea’

Critics slammed the law allowing eligible foreign nationals to become police officers as ‘madness’

Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker signed a bill into law that allows non-U.S. citizens to become police officers in the state, angering critics who slammed the idea of foreigners arresting American citizens as “a fundamentally bad idea.”

Read the rest of the article here: https://www.foxnews.com/media/illinois-gov-pritzker-allows-non-us-citizens-become-police-officers-new-law-fundamentally-bad-idea

Mike Rowe on Shark Week

Last year, sixteen people were killed by these ridiculous looking birds – twice the number killed by sharks. Don’t be fooled by their goofy looks. Ostriches are dinosaurs – just like sharks. They stopped evolving a long time ago. They can go from 0 to 45 mph in a few seconds. They can kick with 2,000 pounds of force. Their razor sharp talons can disembowel a man in the blink of an eye, and their breast bones are thick enough to stop a bullet. Plus, they walk around with that crazy, jacked up “backward knee-thing” popular with aliens and ghouls who crawl across ceilings in bad horror movies. Couple years ago, I saw an ostrich charge into a door that someone left open on an F-150. Tore the thing right off its hinges. Ostrich Week – I’m telling you, it’s a ratings grabber, guaranteed.

Or what about snakes? Whenever I got bitten by a snake, ratings went through the roof. Like sharks, snakes come in hundreds of species, live mostly out of sight, and inspire a deep-seated, primal dread. But unlike sharks, the fear inspired by snakes is somewhat justified. Snakes kill over 50,000 people every year, and maim a whole lot more. I know this because I just narrated a video for The World Health Organization, which officially freaked me out. I’m telling you, a snake bite from a cobra or a viper will make you yearn for an encounter with a Great White. Snake Week = Ratings Gold.

Of course, for sheer death, the best creature to feature would have to be the mosquito. Last year, mosquitos killed over 750,000 people. That’s 749,992 more than sharks. True, a mosquito won’t bite you in half, but aside from killing with impunity, they’re annoying in ways a shark can’t begin to match. A reporter from Outside Magazine once asked me to identify the most terrifying sound in the animal kingdom, expecting me I guess to invoke the growl of tiger, (which kills hundreds,) or the trumpeting of an angry elephant, (which also kills hundreds,) or maybe the mournful howl of the timber wolf, (also deadlier than sharks, by far.) But I went with the high-pitched whine of a mosquito vectoring in on my neck, moments before falling asleep. Not only does that sound remind me of every blood-borne disease there is, it requires me to leap out of bed, turn on the lights, and embark on a relentless quest to kill the little bastard with my slipper before going to sleep. I simply can’t rest with a mosquito in the house. Mosquito Week would be a real eye-opener.

When you finally turn on to that last street and you can see your driveway after a long trip or a hard day at work…

What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?

Chocolate chimp cookies.

Our very good friend of the show, and fellow camper Joe from NJ sent us these “Trueisms” 

* Money can’t buy happiness… but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

* Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they’re ok…

* Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.  (Or a bad example)

* The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

* Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

* Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will NOT be evenly distributed.

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why.

The waiter said “Chopsticks were provided only on request.”

“But,” the man countered, “if you gave your patrons chop-sticks, you wouldn’t have to pay someone to wash all the forks.”

“True,” the waiter shot back, “but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess.”

That’s actually not a bad explanation

A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and roadworthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. 

So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his father. “I need to borrow two hundred dollars” he says. 

At the other end, his father says, “Sorry, I can’t hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line.” 

The boy shouts, “Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!”

“Sorry, I still can’t hear you clearly,” says his father. 

The operator cuts in, “Sorry to butt in, But I can hear him perfectly clearly.” 

The father says, “Good. YOU send him the money!” 

Sandra’s wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready and she wasn’t going to allow anything to dampen her excitement, not even her parents’ nasty divorce. 

Her mother, Theresa, finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER! 

Several days later, Sandra was horrified to discover that her stepmother, Caroline, had purchased the same dress. She asked Caroline to exchange the dress, but Caroline refused. “Absolutely not! Caroline exclaimed. “I’m going to wear this dress and I’m going to look like a million in it!” 

Sandra told her mother, who graciously replied, “Never mind, dear, I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s YOUR special day, not hers.” 

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Sandra asked her mother, “Mom, what are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don’t have any place to wear it.” 

With a sheepish grin, Theresa replied, “Of course, I do, dear! I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!” 

Joe was telling his buddy Jack about a recent diagnosis of his high blood pressure.

“The doctors told me to quit eating red meat,” Joe said,

“Well, did you quit,” asked Jack.

Joe replied, “Sure did. You think I’m a dummy or something? I haven’t had a drop of ketchup on my hamburgers since!”

I want to share a comment that one of our friends of the show, fellow camper and I guy I’ve been corresponding back and forth with has sent in.  He’s a great guy, we agree on a LOT of different topics and where we disagree, we behave like grown up adults (Washington D.C. are you paying attention?!) and we talk about it!  We debate … with the goal of expressing our point of view in the hopes (however delusional) of changing the others mind.

John,  we agree more than either one of us would probably admit and disagree more than either of us would like. 

I disagree on the Obamas.  I think the upper ranking democrats have their own agenda as their top priority and the benefit of the United States is WAY TOO FAR down the list of priorities if it even appears on there at all.

I think Chris Christie, DeSantos, and several other people would be better Presidents than Trump.  The problem is, I don’t believe that any one of them are electable unless or until Trump is knocked out.  Plus, Trump is a proven commodity.  He did a great job the last time he was president, even if he was a bit acerbic.  But, I do believe he is past his prime.

I agree with you almost completely on the song and could probably be easily persuaded to your side on the rest with further discussion.  What pisses me off about it all is the idiots screaming about it being a racist song.  It is not.  If you see it that way then you need to examine the person in the mirror for racism.

I do not agree with you completely on Jan 6, as we both know, but I also have insider information that you may not have (that sadly, I can’t talk about here) that sheds completely different light on the whole situation.  Trump didn’t incite anything, he told everyone to behave themselves.  But, the fact that he was dumb enough to think that once the fix was in on the election there was anything that he could do about it after the fact was awfully naïve for a business man of his caliber.  And if nothing else, the way he behaved from that point forward shows me that he is no longer ready to be president, but he is still better than what we have now.

And I agree, he is in just as crappy shape, if not worse physically as Biden.

Why is it we can’t get a decent younger (45-50ish?) man or woman.  We all know that there has to be some really smart, dynamic people out there who would do a GREAT job.  The problem is that they won’t play ball with the political machine and they aren’t super rich.  The two requirements needed in today’s politics.  And that is going to be the downfall of this country.  We need a God fearing individual to take the reins to do what’s right, for the right reasons.

And lastly, to your history lesson, I would say that for some reason those buildings were either protected or of no interest.  No interest because there was nothing of value in them or nothing worth burning or protected in that politically protected, gang protected, etc.  At that point in time I was a YOUNG teenager living on the other side of the country (New Jersey) and had very little idea of things that were happening in our world. 

Thanks for your letter my friend.  I enjoy talking with you.  I think if I was feeling better and had more time, I could’ve given you more of a response.  

A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.  She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried. 

She asks, “What if the baby starts coming, and I can’t get to the hospital in time.” 

The doctor replies, “Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors. 

It’s a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant.” 

The blonde interrupts with, “Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?” 

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. “I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”

“Oh God no!” cries the man. “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”

“The good news is… I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant.”

“Go for it doc,” says the man, “as long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

“Just great,” says the golfer. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved.”

“That’s great,” said the surgeon.

“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.

“That’s unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”

“Well, just two, said the golfer, “I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.”

Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.

“What’s the matter?” asks Olaf.

“Oh,” sobs the old lady, “I want to have a look  the frozen puddings but, as you can see,  there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.”

“No problem,” says Olaf, lifting her onto his back, “I’ll take you.”

Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back.  She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.

At the other end the old lady’s husband is waiting with her wheelchair.

“I’d really like to thank you,” says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, “but I don’t even know who you are!”

Olaf just smiles, waves and walks off.

“I was really worried about you,” says the old lady’s husband.  “What have you been doing?”

She replies, “Well, I’ve been through the desserts on a Norse with no name.”

Yup!

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike.

Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors’ demands are as soon as they can get a nurse over there to read the picket signs.

Dr. Frankenstein had been noticing for several years that his “monster” seemed to be lacking a certain “je ne sais quoi” in his life.

He and Mrs. Frankenstein were discussing the problem one day, and the Missus suddenly had a bright idea. “Maybe he needs a mate.”

“Good idea, my dear,” said the doctor. “Let’s create him a mate, and he can make love to her for the first time this coming Valentine’s Day.”

So, they worked day and night and finally got the lady “monster” ready in time to “wake her up” on Valentine’s Day.  The original creation was there beside Dr. and Mrs., just jumping from one foot to another in eager anticipation of the solution to this cravings.

As the electricity snapped and popped, Dr. Frankenstein shouted, “Look! She about to speak!”

The new creation sat up and croaked in a broken voice: “Oooooo —oo! Head—-ache!”

A group of scientists in Britain announced that they have successfully grown human teeth in a laboratory for the very first time.

This is great news for dentists, and even better news for guests on the Jerry Springer Show.

If men are from Mars
And women are from Venus
I can only assume the “other genders” are pulled out of Uranus.

The Modern Toolbox

Hammer – In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself. 

Screwdriver – The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver. 

Phillips Screwdriver – The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka. 

Pliers – A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install. 

Multi-Pliers – Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels. 

Electronic Stud Finder – An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself. 

Halogen Light – A work light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway. 

Cordless Drill – A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool. 

Air Compressor – A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house. 

Chain saw – Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself. 

Vise Grips – A pair of helping hands that doesn’t critique the job you’re doing or offer advice 

Try Coffee

Power corrupts.  Absolute power is really kind of neat. 

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 

Press to test. <click> Release to detonate! 

Professionals are predictable… amateurs are dangerous 

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. 

No they really aren’t.

A couple of final things to wrap things up.  

I’m cooking Men’s Breakfast at church on Saturday morning and tomorrow…well, today, while some of you guys are actually reading this, I’m testing out my experimental breakfast on a smaller scale for the guys at work.  I’m making this recipe up…well, not completely, but adapting something I found … and I think it’s going to be really good.  But, if it doesn’t work out, then I’ll have 24 hours to find something else.  I’ll let you know.

You remember in the last episode we started a … contest?  Not really a contest, but more of a survey, looking for the oldest and the youngest camper that we have amongst us.  Here it is from Issue #2211

A lot of you youngsters aren’t gonna get that one.

I wonder if we even have any youngsters on here.  I know we have some oldsters on here.  I know for a fact that there are several of you out there in your 70s.  So let’s do a poll.  In fact, let’s do two polls.  Here’s the first one.

If you are in your 80s or over and are a regular reader of Dragon Laffs send an email to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and tell me how old you are.  And in case of a tie, send me month and year of birth.  Oldest person I’ll send a questionnaire to or something and do a profile of them in Dragon Laffs (if they are willing) to share them with their fellow campers.

Same thing for the youngest regular reader.  That one is going to be a little tougher.  I’m just guessing here.  Let’s say for youngest let’s start with anyone in their 30s or below.  And same deal.  I’m come up with some sort of way of doing a profile on you for Dragon Laffs…again, if you’re willing.  

Put either “oldest” or “youngest” in the Subject line of the email.  And let’s do a cut off of say August 28.  That’s 3 weeks from today and the Monday after I get back from Colorado.  How does that sound to you guys?  This could be great fun!

Well, I only got 3 responses so far, so let’s keep those cards and letters coming!  And right now, I have GOT to go.  You guys be well, be safe and May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.