It’s Monday…well, it’s Monday that you are reading this, it’s actually Wednesday that I’m writing this.  You’re reading this after I’ve worked all weekend teaching CBRN Defense tactics to a bunch of Traditional Reservists.  I’ve got about 3/4 of a class scheduled for Sunday or about 15 people.  I’m hoping for a good class.  It’s the best part of my job…my day job.

You guys are the best part of my night job.  I love doing this job.  I would rather spend time doing this, pushing out dragon laffs, talking with you guys than just about anything else.  My church ministries are about the only thing I get more satisfaction out of. 

So, we’re going to jump in on the laffs right away and we’ll talk some more as the issue goes on.

Kids aren’t afraid of the full moon, they’ll play in it’s light.
Kids aren’t afraid of the water, they will learn to survive it as infants.
Kids aren’t afraid of Clowns, the real Clowns, they will laugh for hours.
Kids aren’t afraid of people, they will walk up to strangers and talk.
Kids aren’t afraid of Ghosts, they are the ones who see and hear them.

Kids aren’t afraid of Magic, they will look for it everyday.

MOM’S SPECIAL BROWNIES

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. “no, no.”

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.

Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat’s tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake.

Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.

Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.

Throw cat outside while there’s still time and he’s still able to run away.

FROSTING

Mix the following in saucepan:

1 cup sugar

1 oz unsweetened chocolate

1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away — far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn’t know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.

Put Jr. in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man’s front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven.

Yeah, I got no idea, but it’s a cool picture

So, let’s do a little mail.  I got this one from … well, just read it yourself:

This link is cool as heck!  It’s from Stephanie, of course, and I don’t have a chance in heaven of being able to follow it!!!! https://www.facebook.com/reel/3497159433902389

The funny thing is that’s EXACTLY what her expression looks like!!!

When visiting her family in Los Angeles, a woman decided to explore a trendy shopping area.

After window-shopping, she entered a store with unique table displays. Each table was laid out with distinctive linen, fine china, silver and crystal. The woman was the only customer.

The young cashier initially asked if she could help, but the woman declined and said she was only browsing.

The woman was a bit put off by the glances the cashier kept giving her, but nonetheless, she spent almost an hour examining the different makes of china and silver.

It was only after thanking the shopkeeper and leaving that this woman discovered she had been inspecting the tableware at a chic restaurant.

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

It was nice for a while…but then she got to be really high maintenance.

And while we’re talking about high maintenance and stuff…Stephen B., one of our regular regulars, sent me this out of the blue confession that really threw me for a loop.  Of all of our regular campers, I really didn’t expect it from him.  This is what he wrote.

I better admit it before you hear it from someone else. 

Some years ago, I made a sex tape. 

I was desperate for money. 

Please don’t think bad of me.

I don’t think badly of you, brother, we all do things we aren’t proud of when we get strapped for cash.  Some of the things I’ve done, I’m not really proud of.  But this is your confession, not mine.  Well, then in an attempt to come really clean and bare his soul, he sent me a still from the thing!  I wasn’t sure what to do with it, but then I  thought I ought to share it with you guys, so… here it is.  I will give you a chance to get the kids out of the room first.  It’s right below the arrows.

Hey!  It wasn’t my Sex Tape.  I just gave it a little extra hype.

Royal chairs are rarely throne out

A good way to get smarter is “by degrees.”

“Mommy likes Microsoft Windows ’cause she never has to wash them,”

Whats the definition of a farmer? A man who is outstanding in his field.

“Aren’t the sounds of the brook lovely?” Tom babbled.

The doctor who treats anorexics says, “My patients is wearing thin.”

Man who run in front of car, get tired.

Man who run behind car, get exhausted

These questions were reportedly asked by elementary children and appeared in a newspaper article.

Dear God: Why did you make people talk foreign languages? It would be easier if everybody could talk English like you and me.

Dear God: If you made the sun and the moon and the stars you must have had lots of equipment.

Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones why don’t you just keep the ones you have now?

Dear God: How come you only have 10 rules and our school has millions?

Dear God: When you made the first man did he work as good as we do now?

Dear God: There were no clouds Saturday so I think I saw your feet. Did I really?

Dear God: I know there’s a God because I go to His house on Sunday and see all the cars parked there.

Dear God: Where does yesterday go? Do you have it?

Dear God: I’m afraid of things at night more than in the day. So if you could keep the sun on longer that would be a good thing.

MOM’S SURVIVAL TIPS

1. Don’t sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.

2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you’re taking a shower.

3. When someone tells you that what he’s about to say is “for your own good,” expect the worst.

4. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to act idiotic.

5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don’t swallow it whole.

6. When a politician says, “let me make something perfectly clear, remember that he usually won’t.

7. You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever.

8. If someone says, “I know what I mean, but I just can’t put it into words,” he doesn’t know what he means.

9. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time.

10. Don’t waste time trying to be your own best friend. You can’t pat yourself on the back, and it’s unsatisfying to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead.

A week or so ago, maybe two, I put an old cooks thermometer in my car to see how hot it got sitting out in my parking lot at work.  I hit an all time high the other day…

And that wasn’t even the hottest part of the day.

A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper.

“Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge.

“Toilette pepper!”

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, “Let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.”

Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

“Help me find my ball; you look over there,” he says to Sid.

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.

“I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?”

“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”

“And a liar, too!” Sid says with amazement. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”

As I normally am, but only with my dear friends and fellow campers

Instead of locking up merchandise in stores, we should be locking up the people who steal it.

Just saying…

Can someone please update me on what’s offensive today. 

It’s hard to keep up.

Yeah, I ain’t buyin’ it either, kid!

NOTHING!!!!!

And that makes perfect sense to them and we are supposed to accept that with a smile on our faces.

And that’s because John Kerry is the PERFECT example of…

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

Get ready folks, that’s your President before the 2024 election.  You know the democratic party is going to get rid of Joe before the election so that he doesn’t have any possible chance of running in 2024.  They are in the process of undermining him right now.  That puts that moron as the first black woman as president.  Which opens the door for the first ELECTED black woman for president.  And guess who that’s going to be.  Michele Obama.  Yup, we were talking about that at work today and the more I think about it, the more sense it makes.  (Yes, I know.  I want a DNA test, too to prove she’s a woman, but that’s how they are going to present her)  You know THAT election is already rigged.  She will be controlled by her husband, George Soros, and the entire democratic machine.  And you can kiss this country goodbye.  We have GOT to change the voting laws in ALL the states to outlaw these stupid electronic voting machines because they are FAR too easy to manipulate.  Otherwise this country is doomed.  And you remember where you heard it.  RIGHT HERE ON DRAGON LAFFS!

That’s an old trick that my mom taught me YEARS ago!

A lot of you youngsters aren’t gonna get that one.

I wonder if we even have any youngsters on here.  I know we have some oldsters on here.  I know for a fact that there are several of you out there in your 70s.  So let’s do a poll.  In fact, let’s do two polls.  Here’s the first one.

If you are in your 80s or over and are a regular reader of Dragon Laffs send an email to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and tell me how old you are.  And in case of a tie, send me month and year of birth.  Oldest person I’ll send a questionnaire to or something and do a profile of them in Dragon Laffs (if they are willing) to share them with their fellow campers.

Same thing for the youngest regular reader.  That one is going to be a little tougher.  I’m just guessing here.  Let’s say for youngest let’s start with anyone in their 30s or below.  And same deal.  I’m come up with some sort of way of doing a profile on you for Dragon Laffs…again, if you’re willing.  

Put either “oldest” or “youngest” in the Subject line of the email.  And let’s do a cut off of say August 28.  That’s 3 weeks from today and the Monday after I get back from Colorado.  How does that sound to you guys?  This could be great fun!

It surely doesn’t happen very often!

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

THE NEW MATH

NAME____________________

GANG NAME______________

1. Ramón has an AK-47with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho’s. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne’s $800 per day crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 – 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week’s income?

10. Marvin steals Juan’s skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Monday at work, Maury was asking Pauly about Pauly’s date with Sandy the previous Friday night.

“So, how did things go?”

“It started out really well. We went to a fancy restaurant and had a great meal. Lots of good conversation, the music was nice and a perfect start to the evening.”

“So how was Sandy?” asked Maury, winking slyly.

“Stunning!” replied Pauly.

“I knew that she is a really good looking woman, but stunning?”

“Absolutely!” answered Pauly. “Right after I suggested we spend the night together, she hit me with the taser.”

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out aughing.

She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read “Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins”, then she moved under one that read “Sloans Liniments remove Swelling”.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read “William Stick Did The Trick”. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read “Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.”

He won the case.

Young son: Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you’re perfect? 

Father: She does? Wow! How do you know? 

Young son: I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith. 

Father: When was that? 

Young son: Just before she used the word idiot. 

That’s it my friends.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.