And it’s Saturday and it’s August and it’s running right around again.
I will be missing out on some time later on this month. I have to go to Colorado Springs for a week. And before you guys ask, I can’t tell you why. It’s one of THOSE things. I’ve never been there before. I spent 6 months at Denver WAY back in 1977 for my first Tech School as a Weapons Troop. I haven’t been back since. And I’m going to pay a visit to brother Owl in September to help get him back on track after his stroke, so I may miss some time there as well. So, we’re going to get as many laughs in as possible between now and then.
I had amnesia once… or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
I am neither for nor against apathy.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses side saddle.
What is a “free gift”? Aren’t all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible… and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not sure.
How can there be self-help groups?
Is it just me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Is the ʽsʼ: or ʽcʼ in ʽ scentʼ silent?
Why does fridge have a “D” in it but refrigerator doesn’t?
Why can you drink a drink but you can’t food a food?
The word queue is just a Q followed by four silent letters…
Why is a W called “double-u” when it’s clearly a “double-v”?
I did some financial planning, and it looks like I can retire at 80
and live comfortably for 11 minutes.
We all know that mirrors don’t lie… I’m just grateful that they don’t laugh.
69% of people find something dirty in everything they read.
Fred, Junior has been asking those questions again; about the difference between Classic Rock and Disco. Maybe it’s time to have that little talk with him; about the Byrds and the Bee Gees.
We have the ability to hide in plain sight.
All the time.
Brilliant marketing scheme!
PLAGIARISM: Getting in trouble for something you didn’t do.
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
My legs for always supporting me.
And my fingers because I can always count on them.
Useless/Useful Fact #1: The word “shark” was first used to describe an evil or nasty person long before it was the name of the animal.
Useless/Useful Fact #2: The word “escalate” didn’t exist until about 30 years after “escalator” (it was formed by lopping off some letters from escalator).
One of Dragon Laff Embassies
This next one is a creation by my buddy Wheats.
And this one was sent to me by Izzy because it perfectly represents our two dogs. The bus is our good older dog Pepper and the train is our beast Willow.
I’m outdoorsy —
as in I like drinking on patios
People think I go out of my way to piss them off…
Trust me…
…it’s not out of my way at all.
“PLANT BASED”
is the newest meaningless marketing term used to dupe people who know very little about nutrition but who “kinda-sorta” want to eat better.
THINGS THAT ARE PLANT BASED:
sugar, vegetable oils, flour, kid cereals, cocaine, heroin, Jack Daniels…
Truly, the human race is doomed.
FACT OF THE DAY:
Go to the Owl Cafe
Around late 2016 or early 2017, something new started popping up in Tokyo, Japan…Owl Cafes! Jusat as the name implies, these are cafes where you can go to enjoy some coffee while in the company of owls. You are allowed to interact with the owls and are even encouraged to pet them.
I have a friend of mine who was killed while riding a motorcycle who hit a dark horse on the road at night on a back road. The police are sure he never even saw it, or if he did, he never had time to do anything about it.
Somebody needs help and shouldn’t write signs.
Doomed. Just doomed.
My friend kept telling me vegetable jokes, I yelled, “Stop! PEAS!”
I would love to know what this tag was actually attached to.
I agree wholeheartedly with TheBlackSavageOne
Reminder: Monopoly ends when no one can afford to live on the board anymore.
At that point, everything becomes worthless. The money means nothing. The hotels sit abandoned. The only thing left is to restart the game and do it again.
It’s unsustainable. It’s what we’re doing right now.
Izzy sent this last one to me. I think there is a point where we can go too far, extreme far right nut-case person in Florida. Back up a little, how about.
Oh please! And we’re supposed to believe THIS stupid picture?
And how many of those 5 million jobs were actually people going back to work to the same jobs you morons took away during COVID?
Statistics: The OTHER Side
When the lotter hit $1.6 billion: 146 million people bought tickets.
In the 2016 Presidential election, 136 million people voted. (10 million less)
To get more people to vote…
Every election we should pick one voter to win $1.6 billion
NAACP issues warning to African Americans to avoid visiting Florida; employees in restaurant and tourism industry brace for 0.00% drop in tips.
Daughter: Dad, why does Ariel wear seashells?
Me: Well, because b shells are too small and d sh–
Wife: Stop!
I bought my daughter a handbag from Iraq.
She said, “Thanks for the Baghdad.”
Biscuits and gravy is a weird dish.
It’s pretty much just really wet flour on really dry flour.
* 1 in 4 car accidents are caused by texting and driving *
People: Won’t be me!
* 1 in 302,575,350 chance of wining in Mega Millions *
People: You never know!
I’ve just bought an original Van Gogh painted coffee table. I know it’s an original because there’s a bit of veneer missing!
I have come to the conclusion that I have a memory like Etch-A-Sketch. I shake my head and forget everything.
I have so many questions…
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, “Where is everybody?”
The bartender replies, “They’ve gone to the hanging.”
“Hanging? Who are they hanging?”
“Brown Paper Pete”, the bartender replied.
“What kind of a name is that?” the cowboy asked.
“Well,” says the bartender, “He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper shoes.”
“How bizarre,” said the cowboy. “What are they hanging him for?”
“Rustling,” said the bartender.
Okay, if you didn’t see that coming from about 1/3 of the way through the joke, you really weren’t paying attention.
Actually, I know how this one happened. I saw something similar in real life. Either didn’t go in park or didn’t engage the parking brake.
I consider myself to be a generous person. I won $5,000 in a local raffle and donated a quarter of it to charity. I’m going to Hawaii with the other $4,999.75.
And that’s it my friend. May God Bless you and keep you until you join with us again next time.
Dragon Laffs 