I can tell I’ve had a rough week. Today is Thursday as I start this writing to you and I woke up feeling like crap so I called in sick, but looking at my calendar, I missed two birthdays this week.  Not that I would have done anything super special for them, but I would have at least texted to wish them both a happy birthday.  So, I messaged them both with a happy belated birthday.  (Sorry Stephanie) The mower is still in the shop with no word yet, waiting to hear from them.  And my poor Willow Dragon has pooped on the floor three times in the last couple of days which is COMPLETELY outside of her norm, so I’m wondering if she’s not feeling well either. 

My depression is over the moon right now.  I just want to curl up in a ball and do nothing, but I know if I do that, then that is exactly what I will do.  So, I turned to Dragon Laffs and you guys to try to alleviate some of that gouging depression that is eating its way through my chest.  So, let’s do all of us a favor and

That’s a lot of friggin’ bananas!!!

This one is from Stephanie and it’s really interesting.  Thanks Stephanie…

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I asked her not to do that.

“Why?”

“Because it’s been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.”

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”

“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, “Um, it’s on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a mommy.”

“Oh.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

” I get it!” she beamed. “Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy.”

Notice to people who visit my home.

1. The dog lives here. You don’t.

2. If you don’t want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. Yes, she has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What’s your point?

4. OF COURSE she smells like a dog.

5. It’s her nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff hers.

6. I like her a lot better than I like most people.

7. To you she’s a dog. To me she’s an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things.

8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups.

9. The same applies for the cats, except they will ignore you…until you’re asleep

Dragons and fairies have been friends for a long time.

This is an old one, but worth replaying over and over again.

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, “Why are you spending so much time on this one?” 

And the Lord answered, “Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart-and she will do everything with only two hands.” 

The angel was astounded at the requirements. “Only two hands!? No way! And that’s just on the standard model? That’s too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrowto finish.” 

“But I won’t,” the Lord protested. “I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days.” 

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. “But you have made her so soft, Lord.” 

“She is soft,” the Lord agreed, “but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.”

“Will she be able to think?”, asked the angel. 

The Lord replied, “Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate.” 

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman’s cheek. “Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.” 

“That’s not a leak,” the Lord corrected, “that’s a tear!” 

“What’s the tear for?” the angel asked. 

The Lord said, “The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride.” 

The angel was impressed. “You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing.” 

And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. 

They stand up to injustice. They don’t take “no” for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. 

Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. 

They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. 


HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH. 

Doug and Bill went out drinking one night and didn’t get home till the wee hours.

They see each other the next day at work and Bill asks, “Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?”

Doug replies, “No, but that didn’t keep her from talking for two hours.

Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise.

She booked passage on a cruise liner — first class all the way. The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.

One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn’t enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard.

A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ship’s crew realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead.

Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent’s fireplace mantel.

Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned.

“I’m telling you, I can get you as many as you want at 5 gold pieces each.”

A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, “Mommy, my stomach hurts.” 

Her mother replied, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!”  She then prepared a bowl of soup. 

Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner.  

The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, “I have such a terrible headache!” 

The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!” 

The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.

– Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

That will bring some of you guys way back.

Father visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time.

Goes up & down the aisles with his son, at the local Giant Food Store.

Dad: “Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??”

Son: “Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice.”

A few minutes later, in a different aisle

Dad: “Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?”

Son: “Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!”

A few minutes later, in a different aisle

Dad: “Und give a look here!! Baby Powder !! Vat a country, vat a country!”

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse’s office.

When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. “Why are you dressed like that?” I asked her.

“I told my son,” she explained, “that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I’ve come to spend the day with him!”

There’s no reason to tailgate me when I’m doing 50 in a 35.

And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous. 

I often look at my children and can’t see me in them. 

Then they open their mouth and say something sarcastic and I’m like there I am!

My brother in arms Wheats asked me to pass this next one on, so that’s what I am doing.  I think it’s GREAT!!

People who say they don’t have time for my B.S. need to learn how to manage their time better. 
Wake up an hour earlier. 
Use better time management techniques.  

I saw two guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay?

They arrested me.

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image.  Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s removed from the body.

You know you’re over 40 when you have “upstairs ibuprofen” and “downstairs ibuprofen”.

Still trying to get my head around the fact that “Take Out” can mean food, dating, or murder.

When you realize that 1970 and 2022 are as far apart as 1970 and 1918….

I’m just gonna need a minute…

A woman with a salad walked past me in the restaurant and said, “You know a cow died so you could eat that beef burger.”  I said, “If you weren’t eating its food, it might have lived.”

Hey, I want you to pay attention to this one…

Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

I AM SWIFT AS A GAZELLE.

An old one. 

With arthritis. 

Run over by a land rover.

Seven days ago.

And that’s it.  It helped…not as much as I wanted, but it helped.  May God Bless you and keep you until next time.