And now it’s Monday.  Time is just flying by.  I really don’t know what to say to start today off.  So, maybe I’ll come back later and add to this, so for now…

But wait!  I’m back, with something to share…

I got this really wonderfully nice comment from Leah that I want to share with you right up front…

Mom: Your son brought a note home from school today.

Dad: What did it say?

Mom: They want a written excuse for his presence.

A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. “It’s only a stone’s throw from the beach,” he was told.

“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man.

“It’s the one with all the broken windows,” said the clerk.

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner.   

• I read that 4,153,237 people were married last year.
  • Not to cause any trouble …. but shouldn’t that be an even number? 
• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom …
  • Until they are flashing behind you. 
• When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their bodies.
  • Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. 
• Relationships are a lot like algebra.
  • Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? 
• America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy …
  • But won’t cross the street to vote. 
• You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?
  • That’s common sense leaving your body . 
• My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
  • We’ll see about that! 
• I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been Googling my name on her computer.
  • I saw it through my telescope last night. 
• Money talks …
  • But all mine ever says is good-bye. 
• You’re not fat,
  • You’re just easier to see. 
• If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive,
  • Try missing a couple of payments. 
• I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.
  • Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?” 
• I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penney …
  • Has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor” 
• The location of your mailbox …
  • Shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. 

Even the longest roads start with the first step.

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
“Life begins,” said the priest, “at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus.”
“I believe,” said the minister, “that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin.”
“You’ve both got it wrong,” said the rabbi. “Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house!”

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

Doctor: Don’t worry about it. You’ll pass eventually.

Liz: I’m the examiner!

“Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we’re going to get married next week!”

The bride-to-be was ecstatic. “Gee, honey, don’t you think you two should wait till he’s been practicing for a year or so?” cautioned her mother.

“Oh Mom,” said the bride with a blush, “we’ve been practicing.”

“I don’t know, he looks fairly harmless…”

Notes For The English Milkman

“Dear Milkman, I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.”

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

“Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it”

Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

“Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today.”

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

“Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.”

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you ‘to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened.

“My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle.”

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.”

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

“From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.”

My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

“Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.”

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don’t leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.”

1. Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?

In case they get a hole in one!

2. What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

3. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

4. What does a sprinter eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast!

5. What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

6. What do you call a fish with no eye?

A fsh.

7. Why are elevator jokes so funny?

They work on many levels.

8. What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?

Live stream it.

9. What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

10. What does a baby computer call his father?

Data.

And here’s a BONUS joke for the road….

I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat, it was obvious that she thought her cat understood her…I came to my house, I told my dog…we laughed and laughed.

This is a beautiful story sent in by Stephanie that you need to check out.  That’s Steph, for sharing with the rest of us. https://www.ladbible.com/news/us-news/paul-alexander-iron-lung-machine-usa-474412-20230719

Another good one from Stephanie.  This one is worth watching just for the laughs!  Thanks for another great share, Steph. https://www.facebook.com/reel/1242981943188006?sfnsn=mo&s=F5x8gs&fs=e&mibextid=6AJuK9

No amount of facts or reason can convince those who willfully choose to remain ignorant.

Life Hacks for 2023: 
1)  If Bill Gates is involved, avoid it.
2)  If the news says it’s good for you, it’s not.
3)  If Klaus says you will be happy, you won’t.
4)  If the FDA says it’s safe, it’s probably not.
5)  If you’re being silenced it’s because you’re sharing the truth.

If people can go to prison for lying to congress, shouldn’t members of congress go to prison for lying to the people?

Once you understand that the “solution” wasn’t created to solve the “problem”, but the “problem” was intentionally created for the “solution” to be rolled out — then you will comprehend the magnitude of evil in the people behind everything.

I WON’

This one is from Joe and he says:

Subject: 1% ers  –  Hard to believe but this includes many of us. Shocking .

99% of those born between 1930 and 1946 (worldwide) are now dead.

• If you were born in this time span, you are one of the rare surviving one percenters of this special group.
• Their ages range is between 77 and 93 years old, a 16-year age span.

INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT THE 1% ERS:

• You are the smallest group of children born since the early 1900’s.

• You are the last generation, climbing out of the depression, who can remember the winds of war and the impact of a world at war that rattled the structure of our daily lives for years.
• You are the last to remember ration books for everything from gas to sugar to shoes to stoves.
• You saved tin foil and poured fried meat fat into tin cans.
• You can remember milk being delivered to your house early in the morning and placed in the “milk box” on the porch.
• Discipline was enforced by parents and teachers. 
• You are the last generation who spent childhood without television; instead, you “imagined” what you heard on the radio.
• With no TV, you spent your childhood “playing outside”.
• There was no Little League.
• There was no city playground for kids.
• The lack of television in your early years meant that you had little real understanding of what the world was like.
• We got “black-and-white” TV in the late 40s that had 3 stations and no remote.
• Telephones were one to a house, often shared (party lines), and hung on the wall in the kitchen (no cares about privacy).
• Computers were called calculators; they were hand-cranked.
• Typewriters were driven by pounding fingers, throwing the carriage, and changing the ribbon.
• ‘INTERNET’ and ‘GOOGLE’ were words that did not exist.
• Newspapers and magazines were written for adults and the news was broadcast on your radio in the evening (your dad would give you the comic pages when he read the news).
• New highways would bring jobs and mobility. Most highways were 2 lanes (no interstates).
• You went downtown to shop. You walked to school.
• The radio network expanded from 3 stations to thousands.
• Your parents were suddenly free from the confines of the depression and the war, and they threw themselves into working hard to make a living for their families. 
• You weren’t neglected, but you weren’t today’s all-consuming family focus.
• They were glad you played by yourselves.
• They were busy discovering the postwar world.
• You entered a world of overflowing plenty and opportunity; a world where you were welcomed, enjoyed yourselves.
• You felt secure in your future, although the depression and poverty were deeply remembered.
• Polio was still a crippler. Everyone knew someone who had it.
• You came of age in the ’50s and ’60s.
• You are the last generation to experience an interlude when there were no threats to our homeland.
• World War 2 was over, and the cold war, terrorism, global warming, and perpetual economic insecurity had yet to haunt life.
• Only your generation can remember a time after WW2 when our world was secure and full of bright promise and plenty.
• You grew up at the best possible time, a time when the world was getting better.
• More than 99% of you are retired now, and you should feel privileged to have “lived in the best of times!”
• If you have already reached the age of 77 years old, you have outlived 99% of all the other people in the world who were born in this special 16 year time span. You are a 1% ‘er”!

While visiting a museum with my kids, we were impressed with the very large dinosaur. I asked the guide how old it was.

“1 million yrs. and 94 days” he replied.

“How did you determine the exact age?

“It was 1 million yrs old when I started working here 94 days ago.”

Stephanie sent this to me in a format I couldn’t use and I love this one so much I tracked it down in YouTube that I can use…

Set your WIFI password to 2444666668888888.

So when someone asks, tell them it’s 12345678 

Apart from being exhausted, financially unstable, nearing a mental breakdown, and being fat, everything is great.  Thanks.

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore.  I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, I realize that they didn’t care either.

Random Thought of the Day:

If someone threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey, would you be stoned off your ass?

Technically, yes.

Doctor:  You need to listen to your body more. 

My Body:  You’re old and you want tacos.

And that’s it, my true and gracious friends.  May you be Blessed by God with Love and Happiness until we meet again.