Good Morning Campers,

I’d like to start out by saying that tomorrow, Saturday, which is two days ago for you guys, would have been Mary and my 28th anniversary, so I’d like to take this opportunity to wish my dear departed wife a happy anniversary. I miss you terribly but I know that you are in a much better place than we are and I envy you for that. I KNOW you are happy and cherished and that’s all I need to know for me to be content. As for the rest of you, thank you for giving me the opportunity to share that with you, the rest of my family and dear friends. Now, on to the rest of the show.

Having raised three 4th graders, I can certainly understand the sentiment, but putting it on a sign is a bit over-the-top and gets the whole “premeditated” thing thrown around.

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimers…

She said she can’t remember what she ever saw in me!

There we go picking on kids again.

What were they used for? How used are they?

Okay, you remember the Mexican Word of the Day Memes? Well, here’s a whole website full of them. 31 of them to be exact. Sent in by our own dear Stephanie. Go ahead and click the link, it’s fun! https://theawesomedaily.com/31-mexican-word-of-the-day-memes/

How do you spell garage? Well, like Dodge, but with a G R…

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

– Two Italian men and one Italian woman
– Two French men and one French woman
– Two German men and one German woman
– Two Greek men and one Greek woman
– Two English men and one English woman
– Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
– Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
– Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
– Two Irish men and one Irish woman
– Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/store/restaurant/ laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they’re satisfied because the English aren’t having any fun

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn’t they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of friggin’ nowhere so she can go to the spa, get her nails done, get a “hot rock massage”, and go shopping…

And you’ll only get THAT one if you’re a certain age.

I read books, I drink…or um…eat chocolate chip cookies and I know things.

Hillbilly Moms Letter

Dear Son, I’m writing this slow ’cause I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

Won’t be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven’t seen ’em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn’t make the final payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether if it is a boy or girls so dont know if you are an Aunt or Uncle???

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.
One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other 2 drowned. They couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time.
Nothing much happened. If you don’t get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Mom

P.S. – I was going to send you some spending money, but I had already sealed the envelope and mailed it.

John meets Bill at the bar and he is looking somewhat sheepish and embarrassed.

Bill says, “Hey John, whats wrong?”

John says, “I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said ‘Black Tie’ only. But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!”

Does that mean that it puts MORE grass down?

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”

“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”

The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Inland Revenue and write on the envelope, ” Now you have everything.'”

I was definitely told that the bus stopped here.

Okay, this one is hilarious! Stephanie sent this one, too. When asked the A.I. What Europeans think that Americans from each of the different U.S. states looked like…this is the pictures that came up. You have GOT to click on this link! https://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/european-ai-american-list?utm_source=dynamic&utm_campaign=bfshareemail

A WHISPER – It is best to whisper!!

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied, in a loud voice, “NO, I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man’s table and said with a laugh:

“I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?”

The man responded in a loud voice:

“$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ….. I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: “I study law, and I know how to screw people”.

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree.

Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

“Who is this incredibly fine archer?” cried the duke. “I must find him!”

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

“You didn’t just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?” asked the duke worriedly.

“No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.”

“That is truly astonishing,” said the duke. “I hereby admit you into my service.” The boy thanked him profusely.

“But I must ask one favor in return,” the duke continued. “You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.”

“Well,” said the boy, “first I fire the arrow at the tree…
…and then I paint the target around it.”

Puny Words

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

A Marine fell asleep on the beach. He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs and was taken to the closest hospital, which happened to be a U.S. Naval Hospital.

His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister.

Anything that touched his legs caused agony.

The lead on the medical staff at the naval hospital, that night, was a Chief Corpsman, in the emergency room.

The Chief checked him out and then prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water, electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the 3rd class corpsman, who was with the Chief inquired, “What good will Viagra do him in that condition?”

The Chief replied, “It’ll keep the sheet off his legs.”

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven’t seen each other since graduation.

They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says “It’s OK. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure, how’s yours?”

Sally replies “It’s just great, ever since we got into S&M.”

Sue is aghast. “Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that.”

“Oh, sure,” says Sally, “He snores while I masturbate.”

As a military Vet who has served two tours in Afghanistan, and I’m still on active duty (though I’m now stationed locally in the US). I don’t expect special treatment from civilians fro my service, but I do know that many stores offer discounts to active military personnel and so I usually ask cashiers if they offer the discount. Today, I encountered someone really rude when I asked — and it wasn’t the cashier. I had to say something.
Me:  Do you offer military discount?
Cashier:  No sir, we don’t.
Lady in line behind me:  Rude…
[Cashier and I stare blankly at her]
Lady:  All of you think you’re entitled because you’re in the military and deserve special privileges. My God…
Me:  No ma’am. It’s a discount, not a privilege. A privilege is being able to go home to your family every night while living in a free country because some people willingly give up their “privileges” so people like you can have them.
Lady: …………………
Me:  [Turns to the Cashier] Sorry if asking for a discount offended YOU.
Man at the back of the line:  Here’s your military discount. [Pays for my meal]
Man’s Wife:  You deserve it…for having to put up with [EXPLITIVE]’s like her.
Honestly? Made my night…
Feel free to share!
I just did brother!
Privileged! I will tell you that it is a privilege to serve my country and to protect people like them, maybe not so much the lady in line behind him, although people like her come as part of the package deal. You get the good and the bad. We are privileged, but not like you think. Well, not like she thinks. Too much time away from home, away from family, away from loved ones. I figured it out, that I missed Izzy’s 2nd through 7th or 8th birthday. It just so happened that I got sent TDY every year that same time. That poor girl thought I was leaving on purpose. “Is Daddy gonna be here for my birthday THIS year?” Yup, privileged. But that 9th birthday when I was actually there!! Her smile could’ve lit up all of downtown. And you don’t even want to talk about the Christmases and Thanksgivings and … well, you get the idea. And that’s just a tiny piece of the puzzle. We won’t talk about the crappy pay, the long hours, the horrible working conditions, the whole, you know, being shot at. Yeah, we are SO privileged.

Of course we know now that the Secret Service and the FBI were unable to get any DNA or fingerprint evidence off of it at all. Hmm, well, boys and girls can you say, “Cover up?”

The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip.

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat.

Father Mouse jumped and said, “Bow-wow!”

The cat ran away.

“What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse.

“Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.”

Mary and I were working for Little Caesars when this promotion came out. As a matter of fact, Little Caesars is where Mary and I met. Bitter Sweet. And here I am, writing this on what would have been our 28th anniversary. (Yes, it’s now Saturday) It was 6 Baby Pans put together on one long box.

And in a quick throwback to Saturday’s issue. You guys remember this old ad that I showed you on Saturday:

Well, I got a very nice email from Friggin’ Pete about that particular ad. It is really quite interesting. And I’m sharing it with you guys.

Howdy Impish! Here’s the write up I did on your Chicken Dinner ad to post in my facebook group.

This is a real add for the Chicken Dinner candy bar that was introduced in 1923 by the Sperry Candy Company of Milwaukee WI and was one of the most popular 1920s candies. The bar was pretty much a chocolate-covered nut roll. Sperry aggressively marketing Chicken Dinner with billboards, magazine ads and, most notably, a fleet of trucks decorated to look like chickens with horns that would cackle and crow when pressed. Chicken Dinner bars ceased production in 1962 and Time named them 6th in their recent rundown of the 13 most influential candy bars.

It’s estimated that between the first and second World Wars alone, more than 30,000 candy bars came out and another crazy one was The Vegetable Sandwich Bar.
The Vegetable Sandwich Bar was a 1920’s unfortunate combination of celery, peppers, tomatoes and dried cabbage coated in chocolate. The makers claimed that it aided digestion and “will not constipate.” I couldn’t find a picture of that one though.

Thanks Pete! And it just goes to show you that we have the smartest readers of any website anywhere!

That is a pretty cool gargoyle.

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all the aspects of their future.

“What will you do if I die before you do?” Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she’d probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, “What will you do if I die first?”

He replied, “Hell, probably the same thing.”

Sure, you guessed it…it’s a roll-on anti-perspirant.

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams”

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.

“What would you say if I told you that I’ve been sleeping with your best friend?” she asked provocatively.

“Well,” he mused, “I’d say that you’re a lesbian.”

THE SITUATION

In Washington , DC , at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, this man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approximately 2,000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After about 3 minutes, a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule.

About 4 minutes later: The violinist received his first dollar. A woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

At 6 minutes: A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

At 10 minutes: A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent – without exception – forced their children to move on quickly.

At 45 minutes: The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

After 1 hour: He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed and no one applauded. There was no recognition at all.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell, playing incognito in the D.C. Metro Station, was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people’s priorities.

This experiment raised several questions:

* In a common-place environment, at an inconvenient or inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?
* If so, do we stop to appreciate it?
* Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made — how many other things are we missing as we rush through life?

Puns from an unexpected source. It’s not usually Joe who sends us puns, but today it is…

PUNS INTENDED

1. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

2. Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

3. Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.

4. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

5. When you dream in colour, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

6. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

7. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

8. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

9. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

10. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

11. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

12. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

13. Local Area Network in Australia is the LAN down under.

14. Banning the bra was a big flop.

15. A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

16. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

17. Shotgun wedding, a case of wife or death.

18. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

19. What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, It’s a dead giveaway!)

20. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

21. If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?

22. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

23. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

24. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

25. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

26. Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

27. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

28. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

29. Without geometry, life is pointless.

30. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

31. Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

32. When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

33. A backward poet writes inverse.

34. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

35. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

36. If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

37. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

38. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you a flat minor.

39. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

40. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

41. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

42. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

43. Every calendar’s days are numbered.

44. A lot of money is tainted. It ain’t yours and it ain’t mine.

45. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

46. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

47. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

48. Once you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

49. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye.

50. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

51. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

52. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

53. The poor guy fell into a glass-grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer’s