And another weekend has come and gone.  Although I don’t know it, because to me, today is Tuesday.  In my attempt to stay well ahead of schedule, I’m still trying my best.  I have VERY little time this week, so I’m squeezing in a few minutes here and there when I can.  I’ve got a few things on tap to show you and discuss with you that may be out of date by the time you finally read them, but…it’s the best I can do  right now at this truly busy time for me.  But, timeliness is next to Godliness…or something like that.  So…

As dessert was served to the visiting pastor, the hostess apologized for not having any cheese to go with the apple pie.

Hearing this, her little son slipped down from his chair and left the room, then returned with a small piece of cheese which he shyly placed on the pastor’s plate.

“Why, thank you, son,” said the guest as he popped the cheese in his mouth, “You must have found the last piece! Where did you find it?”

Flushing with pride, the little boy said, “Oh, it was in the mousetrap.”

Oh, Yum!

It just goes to show you that there is a group for everyone.  I’ll bet my neighbors belong to this group.  The Door Appreciation Society!  I’ve told you their story before.  That he likes to change out his front door every week or so at 0300 in the morning.  He has a stack of front doors leaning against the side of his garage…yeah, that guy!

“na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Batman!”

“Snackman! na, na, na, ..” No, huh?

This guy and his girlfriend lived in Austin and they decided to go and see the northern lights.

They figured that they would just drive north on I-35 until they got to the end and that should do it.

So, they set out on their trip and they’re both very excited. They are so excited that it is all they can talk about.

Well, after a couple of days they get to the end of I-35 just south of the Canadian border. They find a nice field to park in and the entire sky is lit up with the beautiful northern lights.

The guy, who’s been driving, leaps out of the car at the wonder of it all; he’s jumping up and down like a little kid.

Meanwhile, his girlfriend is still sitting in the car and reading a magazine.

He can’t believe it! So he says, “What’s the matter? … Does the aurora bore ya, Alice?”

Now, Joe from NJ said I would love this one and he was absolutely right…

A pastor was working late on a Saturday night at the Almighty God Tabernacle.

Around 10:00PM he decided to call his wife before he left for home.

Although the pastor let the phone ring several times, his wife didn’t answer.

A few moments later he tried again and she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn’t answered before, and she said that the phone hadn’t rung.

The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office. The caller wanted to know why the pastor had called him Saturday night.

The pastor was confused.

The caller said, “It rang and rang, but I didn’t answer.”

The pastor remembered the incident and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he’d intended to call his wife and must have dialed the wrong number.

The man said, “That’s OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide that night, but before I did, I prayed, ‘God if you’re there, and you don’t want me to do this, give me a sign now.’ At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the Caller ID, and it said, ‘Almighty God.’ I was just too afraid to answer!”

I thought this was a MARVELOUS story and wondered if it couldn’t be true and although I found it referenced several times on line, SNOPES (who I don’t trust at all) says it’s not true and that they couldn’t even find an Almighty God Tabernacle.  Well, I found an Almighty God Missionary Tabernacle in Detroit, MI fairly easily and to me, that’s close enough and their caller ID would probably come up as “Almighty God”…so…

It could happen. 

Thanks Joe! 

Great Story!

I’ve got people I work with that are like that.

Dragon Hop-Scotch — played from rock to rock to rock.  It’s a little more difficult than you humans play.

“Happiness depends upon ourselves.”

Aristotle (384 BC – 322 BC)

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight
The flight attendant asked passenger John, “Would you like dinner?”
“What are my choices?” John asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket. He opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

As the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window, the policeman 👮 ‍got out of his vehicle and approached the kid, “I’ve been waiting for you all day.”

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police vehicle 🚔 comes up. The cop gets out of his car, walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.”

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness or a death in your immediate family. But that’s it — no other excuses whatsoever!”

The smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

 

 

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD:

1) You can’t count your hair.

2) You can’t wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, sure you can still breathe, you silly person.


TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU:

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it . . . 🙂

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

 

8) You just checked to see if there IS a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving person — and everyone else does it, too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

Real and Real Funny Obit…thanks to Leah D. for this next one:

James Loveless

March 11, 1963 — June 14, 2023

Somerset

Born and raised in Kentucky in 1963-a state that has been recently leaning toward more liberal values, we might add–Jamie, a divorcee, father, grandfather and proud owner of a few lots in the trailer park, had had enough and up and died on us on June 14th in order to avoid another Presidential stolen-election mishap in the near future.

As a gluttonous eater of fried foods and snack cakes, as well as the occasional chili cheese dog, James, tried in vain to give up the ghost by clogging his arteries and having a stroke in 2015. His twin boys, Rocky and Rodney, had other plans and made him go to the hospital. While waiting in the ER at the hospital, he was heard saying, “Let’s make a break for it!”, only to be heard by one of the hospital staff and forced to go through the procedure. He wasn’t too excited about the prospect, but went anyway.

On many occasions in life, James was seen in his back yard at the trailer park during the early hours of the morning, hammering beers, standing over country-style ribs, and yelling, “It’s got a head like a cat on it!”, while nearby neighbors would peek out their windows bearing looks of disgust and amazement, as his party guests were slurring remarks about needing to speed up his cooking style. “We’ve been here since 5 o’clock,” they would say. “I’ve got work in the morning.”

We don’t know if he was married, but he definitely was a lady’s man. There was Kathy, Mary Lou, Tammy, Debra, Carrie, Tina, etc., etc. “It’s the bones”, he told us as proudly pointed his skinny, pasty-white legs. “Women love a good shin”. We think he might even have some females waiting for him on the other side. Jamie loved his family more than anything else in the world…except ice-cold Busch, room-temperature Busch, T-bones, New York strip, prime rib, shrimp, swimming, poker, hatch-back Mustang GTs, tank-tops, Kentucky Men’s basketball, and his personal copy of Eddie Murphy’s Raw.

He leaves behind his second-favorite son, Rocky(and Lizeth) Loveless of Arizona City, AZ, his favorite son, Rodney Loveless of Science Hill, KY, a younger brother, Joey, and unofficial daughter Melissa(and Coy) Vance of the trailer park, as well as a pair of old boxers which have ‘Buttweiser the King of Rears’ printed on the design. He will be moderately missed.

“I have a message for you from the Queen!” [TWANG!]

Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. 

“Father, I am sinful.” 

“Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you.” 

“Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it’s been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. 

Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.” 

“That’s bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake.” 

“Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too.” 

“That’s not very good of you.” 

“Father, last month, I went to her uncle’s house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too.” 

“Father? ……… Father?” suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. 

So he began searching for him. “Father? Where are you?” 

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. 

“Father, why are you hiding here?” 

“Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me.” 

I’ve just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi.
It’s brilliant.
It comes with Aldi King’s horses and Aldi King’s men.

I’ve been trying to break up with an Optician recently.  It’s really hard.  Every time I tell her I can’t see her anymore, she moves an inch closer and says, “How about now?”

I keep my marriage fresh by unveiling a new personality every few years.

If you walk into a forest and cut down a tree, but the tree doesn’t understand why you cut it down,

do you think it’s stumped?

PAID FOR SEX?
“My friend asked me the other day if I’ve paid for sex.  I reminded her that I have children…So yes, I’ve paid dearly for it.”

NO THANK YOU!!!

This one is an old one, but it’s good and very much appropriate to today:

Ok, it’s really coming to the point where eating out is CHEAPER and more CONVENIENT than buying groceries and cooking at home.

We’ve seen the village and we don’t want it raising our children.

Conservative, Liberal, Greens or Labor , I think you’ll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’

Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his Diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ‘

The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’

The little boy replies, ‘The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit.’

Camp LeJeune bottled water just passed Bud Light in sales…

English is a fascinating language.

In “plumb”, the b is silent.
In “knife”, the k is silent.
In “pneumatic”, the p is silent.
In “align”, the g is silent.
In “transwomen”, the transwo is silent.

The list goes on and on!

And to put the icing on the cake…

To advance revolutionary transgender agenda targeting children, Biden violates basic tenet of US Flag Code and disrespects every American service member buried under its colors. 

 U.S. Flag Code §7. (e) The flag of the United States of America should be at the center and at the highest point of the group when a number of flags of States or localities or pennants of societies are grouped and displayed from staffs.

Bastard!

This one was sent in by Leah D…and it’s beautiful!

This one comes to us from Pete

Just doing some reminiscing today. I remember back in school my Chemistry Teacher told the class to write a 1000 word essay on acid…..I got about halfway done and my desk melted and my paper grew wings and flew away……..

Why would the Air Force have these left over?

The things I used to care to do, I no longer care to do, but I really do care that I don’t care to do them anymore…….

Because Napoleon believed that armies marched on their stomachs, he offered a prize in 1795 for a practical way of preserving food. The prize was won by a French inventor, Nicholas Appert. What he devised was canning. It was the beginning of the canned food industry of today.

Oh how true that is!!!

My aunt’s neighbour in New York had a beautiful black cat, Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night.

One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbour searched for him in vain for several days. The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he’s been out sowing his wild oats.

Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again.

The next spring, he returned.

Perplexed, my aunt’s friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the street.

“A black cat?” the woman said. “Oh, yes! My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida with us every winter.”

Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break.

For me, it’s biting my fingernails.

One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.

“Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box.”

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker’s technical support line for assistance…

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: There’s smoke coming from the power supply on my computer…

Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply…

Customer: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files…

Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it…

Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command…

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician’s efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded…

Technician: I’m sorry. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there’s an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem…

Customer: I knew it!

Technician: Just add the line ‘LOAD NOSMOKE.COM‘ at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes… About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer…

Customer: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking…

Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Customer: MS-DOS 6.22…

Technician: Well, that’s your problem. That version of DOS doesn’t include NOSMOKE. You’ll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out…

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again…

Customer: I need a new power supply…

Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?

Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply…

Technician: What did he tell you?

Customer: He said my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE…

All the time…

The pastor of the church was speaking a few words on proper conduct to the Sunday school class.

“Willy,” he said to a model little boy in the front row, “Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?”

“Sure,” Willy said, “Back of the church yard.”

Joe from NJ says this is a very old classic, but I’ll have to hold off on judgement since I’ve never heard it before…but it is funny

Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play – normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Just love #14

And again Joe tells us this a classic, but this time I agree with him.  I heard this one a LONG time ago.

A FLORIDA Highway Patrol officer stops a man on a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. But, to play around with him the officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a ‘nut case’ on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, “It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ 
I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
“After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
“Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. 
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.”
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Women will pour hot wax on their vaginas and rip it off just to make you like them more and you’re surprised when they act crazy?

You know what sounds amazing for dinner?

Anything I don’t have to cook.

And with that truly horrible joke from Picard, I am done!  I’m outta here.  That’s it!  Until next time.  May you be Blessed with Love and Happiness!