Another week under the belt, even though I am starting this one on Tuesday.  Thursday’s issue is already in the bank and I’m starting on Saturday’s issue because I have a very full week ahead of me.  Wednesday is my jail ministry and it’s going to be an important night, Thursday is a brand new ministry that I am (we are) starting at my church called “Completely Free” and it’s put on by my belonging to Miami County Living Free and it will be a 13 week study of The Book of Romans …

out of the Bible …

you know …

Paul …

his letter to the church in Rome …

sigh. 

YOU HEATHENS!!!! 

You’re pulling my leg, I know you are.

You aren’t heathens. 

You are well educated, and well-esteemed men and women. 

Well, except you, over there.  In the corner.  You need to go. 

Sargent-at-Arms, remove that Orc! 

And while that scuffle takes place in the back of the room, in the front of the room, let’s begin our guffaws, shall we?

This guy is definitely committed!

Today I had to go to Wright-Patterson AFB in Ohio.  It’s an annual trip that my office has to make.  Some of you will understand when I tell you that it was a PMEL run.  Those of you who don’t understand, don’t worry about it because it has nothing to do with the story.  Because the story has to do with this great picture of a C-130 that flew right over us as we were leaving the base because the road went right around the end of the runway.

One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.

“I am,” said the hawk, “because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey.”

“That’s nothing,” said the mountain lion, “I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws.”

“I am the most powerful,” said the skunk, “because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you.”

Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all… Hawk, lion, and stinker.

Osama Bin Laden was shot and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. 

“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do: I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.” 

Osama Bin Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. 

“No,” said Osama bin Laden, “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could do that all day long.” 

The devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 

“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Osama Bin Laden. 

The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama Bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. 

Osama bin Laden took this in disbelief and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.” 

The devil smiled and said, “OK Monica, you’re free to go.”

“And the sneaky Ninja-Dragon leaps into the fray and defeats all his foes!”
Impish!  Stop playing around and get in here and finish your lunch!
Yes, Mom!

One of my favorite characters of all time!

I have significant questions…

Why?

“Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger?”

“No, but in the cafe next door I saw a man eating chicken!”

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror.

Being curious the man rowed over and asked, “What is the mirror for?”

“That’s my secret way to catch fish,” said the other man. “Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.”

“Wow! Does that really work?”

“You bet it does.”

“Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I’ll give you $30 for it.”

“Well, okay.”

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, “By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?”

“You’re the sixth,” he said.

Still annoys the crap out of me…
Service men and women who gave their lives for this country get one day – Memorial Day
Military men and women who offer to give their lives for this country get one day – Veteran’s Day
Sinners who go against the Plan of God get a whole month!
And yes, I know that’s going to tick some people off, and I don’t care!

AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don’t sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.

Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane’s arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, “Hi, Dad! I’ve got some good news!”

As I waved back, I said loudly, “What’s the good news?” Alex shouted, “Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!”

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mommy was.

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so.

One day they came up with an idea–each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank.

They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The husband looked at their savings and said: “Isn’t it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy. But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills.”

The wife replied, “Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?”

Come on, do you get it?  Do you get it?  Alright, I’ll let you know in a second…

…too much time (thyme) on my hands?

The young mother wanted so much to be a part of her teenage children’s group. She worked hard at learning all the styles the young mothers wore and all foods the children like to eat. 

She always tried to look young and spiffy and to have an abundant supply of snacks when the gang dropped by. She even learned how to talk “young” learning all the buzz words and hip sayings. 

One day all this came to a screeching halt when, after serving the right snacks, she heard herself say to a room full of hormone dripping teenagers, “If anyone want secs, just let me know. I’ll be in the kitchen getting it ready.” 

Two doctors were jogging down a wood path, each arguing as to who was the better doctor. The 1st claimed he was better, then the 2nd. This went on for 30 minutes or so! 

Finally the 1st doctor said to the 2nd, “If your so good – then prove it”. The 2nd doctor said “ok I will”. The 2nd doctor looked around, up and down and saw an owl sitting up in an old oak tree. He said “see that owl”, the 1st replied “yes”, “I’ll give that owl a tonsillectomy in 10 minutes” said the 2nd doctor. The 1st doctor encouraged him to try. 

The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree and grabbed the owl. With a “clip”, “snip”, and “clip” – the 2nd doctor was done. He proceeded to say, “9 minutes and 15 seconds later, I’m through – beat that!”. 

The 1st doctor then stated that he could beat the 2nd doctor by performing a vasectomy in 5 minutes. He asked the 2nd if he successfully completed the vasectomy in 5 minutes would he be the better of the two doctors. To that the doctored replied “yes”. 

The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree and grabbed the same owl. With a “clip”, “snip”, “cut”, “bang”, “stitch”, and “clip” – the 1st doctor was done. He completed his operation in a record 3 minutes and 35 seconds. Both doctors went on jogging down the path happy and content as to whom was the better of the two doctors. 

The next day the Mr. Owl and Mrs. Owl were flying along when Mrs. Owl stated “I’m tired, lets land and rest a while!”. Mr. Owl said “ok!” 

Mrs. Owl looked around and saw (with here keen vision) a wonderful old oak tree to perch on, see stated, “lets land over there on the old oak tree”. 

Mr. Owl looked around and saw the oak tree, only to proclaim, “I’M NOT LANDING THERE”. Mrs. owl said “why not”, Mr. Owl again proclaimed “I’M NOT LANDING THERE”. This went on for some time! 

Mrs. Owl said, “tell me why you don’t want to land there or we’re going to!”. 

Mr. Owl said; “Well, ever since I landed in that old oak tree yesterday, I can’t hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot. 

Paddy was looking for work, and his mate told him that they needed someone up at the Blacksmiths. Paddy went to see the bloke, and said, “My mate tells me your looking for someone to work here.” 

“Yes, that’s right.” said the Blacksmith, “Can you shoe Horses?” 

“I’m not sure,” said Paddy, “but I once told a Donkey to fuck off.” 

Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting , but when he gets to his favorite field he sees the village priest is already there. Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out. The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack. He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits. 

Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it. 

“Easy,”says the priest.”Put your finger on your wife’s pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole.They can’t resist the smell, so when they come out,grab them.” 

Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor.He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed. 

Without looking up, Maureen giggles, “Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?” 

Did you hear about the cannibal policeman who was arrested? 

He was caught grilling his suspects. 

After living in the swamps all his life, Boudreaux decided it was time to visit the big city of Breaux Bridge.

In one of the stores, Boudreaux picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not knowing what it was, he said “Mais, how bout dat! Dat’s a picture of my daddy!”

He bought the mirror, but on the way home he remembered his wife, Marie, didn’t like his dad. So he hung the mirror in the shack behind the camp, and every morning before leaving for the woods, he would go and look at it.

Marie began to get suspicious of this many trips to the shack. So, one day, after Boudreaux left, she searched the shack and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So dat’s da ugly witch he’s been runnin’ ’round wit!!!”

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Uh, excuse me, mister, but what are you doing?”

The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”

“How?” asks the man, puzzled.

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”

Over dinner, my wife said to me, “I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!”

“How did you meet this fellow?” I asked, very concerned.

She said, “Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car.”

Following a really good party one night, the hosts decided to leave the assorted bottles and dregs until the next morning.

As they staggered downstairs next day, they found their young children finishing off all that they could find, and looking the worse for wear.

Not knowing what to do, the father suggested taking them out in the car for some fresh air.

A traffic policeman, seeing the car going round and round the block for no reason, pulled him over and breathalyzed him … and the meter showed positive.

While matters were being sorted out, one of the children asked the policeman if he could try the breathalyzer … and the meter again showed positive!

“Damn,” said the policeman, “another faulty meter!”

He then apologized to the driver for stopping him, and drove off without another word…

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius…

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

–Mariah Carey

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“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

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“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”

–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”

–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”

–A congressional candidate in Texas …

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“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”

–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it..”

–Al Gore, Vice President

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“I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ….”

— Dan Quayle

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“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”

–Lee Iacocca

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“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”

— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”

–Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”

–Keppel Enderbery

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“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”

— Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

And that, my dear friends, is that.  By the way, just so you know, yesterday, Friday, was the 17th anniversary of Dragon Laffs!  I know, I know, I should’ve made a bigger deal out of it, and I was going to, but there was a bunch of other stuff that was going on and it kind of slipped my mind.  So, we’ll celebrate twice next year.  So, may God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.